How to tell someone life is too short ?

@Josie I’ve acknowledged that abuse ie shouting and threatening is not acceptable, I’m not interested in making this about another abuse discussion.

There is no question that its not acceptable, verbal abuse is not acceptable. But you did make the discussion about abuse, including other types of abuse, by invalidating abuse survivors and victims. Thats’s the part that’s not okay. That is damaging and hurtful to others.

JosieGc

“Sadly the selfishness of certain individuals on here knows no bounds . Needless to say , anyone who has been abused by a parent would be well advised to estrange them, however I don’t believe anyone on this thread can look in the mirror and fell themselves in all honesty that they are victims of abuse .
Victims of their own selfishness would be more accurate.”

Blimey Ladysuisei this is an awful thing to say. I know you are hurting and grieving and have compassion for what you are going through , but you cannot make damaging remarks like this to other human beings, you have no right. You know nothing of others experiences of abuse.

You literally minimized the abuse of those that responded to your thread. This is deplorable. Shame on you.

In this part of what you said - “Needless to say , anyone who has been abused by a parent would be well advised to estrange them, however I don’t believe anyone on this thread can look in the mirror and fell themselves in all honesty that they are victims of abuse .
Victims of their own selfishness would be more accurate.”

@march do you honestly believe that having an adult conversation about TIME being short then instead needs to result in estrangement? I don’t understand this . It’s not intended as a lecture it’s a sentiment. I’m meaning time goes by so fast , you will soon end up feeling regret which is so destructive and damaging to live with . Well I think so anyway . I’m trying to avoid the possibility of regret . Also my son will be estranged from the whole side of my family should he continue like this . My family are following suit. Time is running out for my dad , his grandfather and I know he will regret this . This has a lot to do with it .

@Ladysuisei Moving on from the other discussions in the thread so far, what do you want to get out of the thread? What would be the most useful advice or support, bearing in mind most people seem to be advising you not to raise this subject with your son?

LadySuisei you have stormed into gransnet and upset a lot of people here, estranged children and estranged parents

You came to a thread about narcissistic abuse by abuse victims saying they were wrong to use that term and then said it about your own son on a different thread.

You have made some extremely awful comments and are unable to back up any wrong doing on your son's part other than the distance between you you don't like

You are very clearly in need of serious help as your behaviour here show your behaviour towards others is not healthy at all and your behaviour here shows how you are treating your family

Please get help

I don't read it that way at all.
I think the op has had little to no kindness shown to her, throughout her posts.

She has responded accordingly.

Disagreement is not unkindness and there is no excuse for minimizing people's abuse simply because they aren't telling the OP she is right. If that's responding accordingly, well then I see where her son gets his disrespect. Just awful, awful behaviour. The internet is filled with varying opinions. Those who cannot cope when others don't agree should step back until they can get their emotional issues under control. There is no excuse for OP's behaviour here. None.

@josie - that should read ALL victims of abuse . Point being some people estrange for much less serious reasons than abuse .
Some people estrange because they get fed up with “ difficult “ people. Or because they simply are selfish . I am entitled to an opinion. I certainly do not condone abuse having been a victim of abuse for 18 years . This is private business and I don’t talk about it within this forum

@VioletSky I am not going to enter into mud slinging but you seem to enjoy stirring your own special sort of trouble. I comment mainly on the friendship thread . Funnily enough I don’t have issues with people on there

@ MissAdventure thank you - I feel like I’ve done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson . The comments have been awful considering the subject of the post wasn’t exactly heavy

I genuinely think you want nothing but sympathy and agreement that everything you say and do is jutified

I can only give you the sympathy

I will leave this thread

Ladysuisei

@VioletSky I am not going to enter into mud slinging but you seem to enjoy stirring your own special sort of trouble. I comment mainly on the friendship thread . Funnily enough I don’t have issues with people on there

Except, you did have issues with people on there before you apologized. You got into a confrontation with two other posters because they gave you honest feedback. The discussion is still there for all to read. I think you should really take a step back if your immediate response to contrary opinions is to lash out in such rage. The way you and your son respond to stressors is so incredibly unhealthy.

It is not VS who likes stirring her own special sort of trouble.

Ignore her if you dont like what she has to say

Hello Ladysuisei, & I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I can hear how heartbroken you are & I can understand that - I was in a similar situation to you a few years back. But I have learned many things since then, and one thing I can tell you is that, in any argument, it is never 100% one person's fault. However painful and one-sided things feel, it can be really helpful to try & put yourself in the other person's shoes and see how that would feel to you. For as long as we refuse to accept any blame at all for the situation we find ourselves in, and hold onto anger and feelings of betrayal, we will never get anywhere - nothing will be solved. You have had a dreadful shock bereavement, and nobody would dispute that that would be just awful for you, and would be all-consuming for you. So...at the hospital in August 2023, when your DIL was facing a miscarriage, and your son thinking he was losing a child and worried about his wife, maybe he felt the same? Maybe he just couldn't deal with your feelings at the same time as his own? I'm sure he loves you, and I'm guessing his reaction at the time was just compounded by fear. Maybe you could forgive some of his behaviour of you think about it like that? I do really recommend 'taking a beat' and talking things through with a counsellor, so that you can get to a calmer state of mind before trying to tackle things with your son - I would bet a large amount of money on the fact that, like me, there are things you could work on too in order to improve the situation you find yourself in. It is surely worth a try?

Ladysuisei

@ MissAdventure thank you - I feel like I’ve done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson . The comments have been awful considering the subject of the post wasn’t exactly heavy

The internet, if you post publicly, offers different opinions. Most offer it from their own perspective.

I agree that life is too short for daft family squabbles, but, as I’ve said, you really just need to concentrate on mourning your DP and moving home.

Worrying about an adult son throwing tantrums, and a grandchild, not born yet, is never going to help you.💐

'@march do you honestly believe that having an adult conversation about TIME being short then instead needs to result in estrangement? I don’t understand this . It’s not intended as a lecture it’s a sentiment. I’m meaning time goes by so fast , you will soon end up feeling regret which is so destructive and damaging to live with . Well I think so anyway . I’m trying to avoid the possibility of regret . Also my son will be estranged from the whole side of my family should he continue like this . My family are following suit. Time is running out for my dad , his grandfather and I know he will regret this . This has a lot to do with it .'

No, but it won't help will it? We all know life is short, we have all lost people unexpectedly and had really crap things happen, one thing after another, one loss after another, situations that made us think 'what am I doing?'

But your DIL has got to be 8 months pregnant? having someone add more stress to an already stressful situation will only impact her feelings towards you more.
Your son will feel it too. She's already told you she feels harassed by you.

Your husband's family is his wife and child too. If they choose to miss out because they can't control his actions and how he handles separate situations, it's all about cutting their nose off to spite their face really.

*I agree that life is too short for daft family squabbles, but, as I’ve said, you really just need to concentrate on mourning your DP and moving home.

Worrying about an adult son throwing tantrums, and a grandchild, not born yet, is never going to help you.💐*

OP, this is the best advice. You need to worry and concentrate on you.
Not him, her or them.
You can't change anything about other people but you can change how you act and react.

@AmberSpyglass
Missed your question in amongst the insults there !
Well , based on the responses I’ve had I’d say generally speaking pointing out life is too short isn’t of interest to people who responded . Mind you , I don’t think the discussion has reached the demographic I intended it to . I assume younger people probably don’t like this sort of phrase whereas a bit older it might go down a bit better . I think when time is literally too short , then it would be a lot more permanent. When I was 30 I thought I had forever. Now I’m 60 I realise how fast my life has gone by . It’s scary when you look back and I want my son to realise that a decision made today might feel ok , but all too soon he will be 60 and possibly full of regret and sadness . I hope this makes sense .

Let’s look at the positives. You still have a relationship with your son except it is hanging by a thread. He still loves and cares about you or he wouldn’t try, he’d just give up. Perhaps when he is angry or intimidating it is because he is frustrated and upset with the situation. You could really do with a mediator so you could talk and hear each other’s viewpoints.

Having suffered a miscarriage he and his wife would feel devastatingly sad. Dh and I did anyway. Now they are worried this pregnancy is going to be OK. It’s a little unfair to say he’s has a good life with no worries. It’s not true is it? Grief is a terrible thing. It can stop you seeing straight and maybe that is happening to you. It’s a very short time since you lost your dh for which you have my sympathy. Try to take your foot off the pedal a bit for a while.

Ladysuisei

@AmberSpyglass
Missed your question in amongst the insults there !
Well , based on the responses I’ve had I’d say generally speaking pointing out life is too short isn’t of interest to people who responded . Mind you , I don’t think the discussion has reached the demographic I intended it to . I assume younger people probably don’t like this sort of phrase whereas a bit older it might go down a bit better . I think when time is literally too short , then it would be a lot more permanent. When I was 30 I thought I had forever. Now I’m 60 I realise how fast my life has gone by . It’s scary when you look back and I want my son to realise that a decision made today might feel ok , but all too soon he will be 60 and possibly full of regret and sadness . I hope this makes sense .

People have to live their lives and learn their own lessons in their own time. It's not the time for you to share this obvious message with him. It will not go down well. It will anger him. Do his feelings matter at all? Wouldn't you want to avoid conflict? I would struggle to assume positive intent from anyone who repeatedly and knowingly said inflammatory remarks to me about my boundaries every time I visited them. I don't think it makes your son a villain. Respect his boundaries. Just take it easy. Every visit doesn't need to be an opportunity to tell him about what you want and you feel. Where is the harm in just enjoying the fact that he still has and wants contact with you?

@DiamondLily
I think the situation with my son is enabling me to forget in a way the fact that my DP has died . I really haven’t accepted it have I .
Actually this is a silly squabble ! xxx

Ladysuisei

@Grams2Five I’m confused. I don’t have a therapist and neither do I need one . The lady from Mind is a friend . lol 😂

To quote again.

“ I’ve got a lady helping me from MIND the mental health charity who feels that my health is suffering as a direct result of this possible estrangement on the horizon. She’s given me another perspective, which is simply life is too short to allow all this petty behaviour to come between us”.

How strange to word this as though she were helping you in a professional capacity.
To refer to a friend as a lady.

@DiamondLily you’re right my son is throwing tantrums. Dang !
My life really is so empty without my love . I can’t believe he’s gone . There will never be anyone else so that’s potentially a long time alone



time alone