How to tell someone life is too short ?

Ladysue madgran well I can’t see how life will ever resolve itself if an apology is not accepted. This is what worries me . I’ve spoken with so many people about what’s caused this and their opinion is that my son should be adult enough now to start letting it go

Other people may well feel your son should "let it go". Their opinions are honestly irrelevant though. It is what he feels that matters in terms of trying to get to a point where an apology may be heard and accepted as part of a conversation. I truly hope that you can get to that point with him and his family.

Ladysue having read the last few posts on here and your words that you “are quite unwell mentally” you do seem to have very confused thoughts. Counselling may be helpful and I think you would be well advised to seek it from a professional trained counsellor rather than continuing to post contradictory accounts on here in the hope of hearing what you want to hear, and then constantly agonising over poster’s replies. Please get some help to enable you to see more clearly.

Ladysuisei

@Norah - why do you say this when the situation is manufactured by my son ! Not that I am saying I’d want to mind you .
Nice of them to accept the family money then shift the goalposts. Do you agree with this ? Or if it were you , would you expect to be reimbursed based on a broken promise?

I'd say nothing, no use to complain, imo.

Did you have a solicitor draw up this "promise"? If not....

Ladysuisei

@Norah you need to bear in mind the reason for this rift changes from week to week which is why I’ve said manufactured by my son .

He was happy to take the £££ . If that £££ was from a commercial organisation then if he did not fulfill his obligations then he’d be expected to pay it back . In life you can’t have it all ways . Can you ?

Are you a commercial organisation?

Given verbal "promises" are just that -- I'd let it go.

@Norah well very sadly my son has taken advantage of my father then he’s broken the promise he made . Dad never thought a solicitor would need to be involved but you live and learn . I don’t know how my AS can sleep at night he’s changed into an unrecognisable human being………..

Ladysuisei

@wellbeck well maybe that’s the case . Perhaps he’s a ray of sunshine at home and reserves all his anger for me , the person who has been there for him for 30 years . He’s also angry on the phone in a Saturday when I speak to him to make arrangements, so he’s at home then . Given the fact that he’s treated my dad so badly, I will find it impossible to be grateful that he’s coming to see me . He comes to my dad’s house where I’m staying at the moment and he has made life very difficult for everyone. My dad’s 83 and in poor health. And yes , I was expecting to move in with my son and his wife given they had already offered . They have a 6 bedroom house , with a seperate loft space which my father was going to pay to get converted. That’s on top of the funds my parents gave them to buy this house in the first place . Do you think it would be unreasonable then for me to expect to keep their promise ?

Older parents moving in with adult children can be fraught at the best of times, let alone if there are problems.

Why would you even want to live with them, with all this anger and stress flying about between you?

It’s not something I intend doing. I value my independence.

You said before you are moving soon - you’d really be best concentrating on that, and how you want your new home to look.

Concentrate on your friends, other family members, and building a new life for yourself.

Being over-invested in adult children rarely works well.

As for promises….well, unless there’s anything in writing, they are pretty meaningless.

It sounds as if you and your son get upset with each other, whenever you meet. If you moved in, you’d also have a DIL and child in the mix - it sounds as though it would be a disaster.

Keep your home and just try to rebuild the relationships. 🙂

@DiamondLiliy actually up until very recently I had a great relationship with my AS and DIL , which is why we floated the idea of me moving in . The house is big enough for me to keep out of their way but also to feel safe . I’m having enormous difficulty settling into living alone - this is mainly because of my BPD. This disorder causes me feelings of total emptiness ( sometimes suicidal thoughts) and a total inability to be alone with my own company. I’m waiting for this new flat to go through and whilst I’m happy that it’s so much more suitable than where I am now , I will be alone . This terrifies me and is triggering high anxiety. I’ve spoken with my support worker and she thinks sheltered accommodation would be better but the waiting list is massive. Since losing my partner, I’ve lost so much motivation and can’t see as far as making a new home . So , whilst living in my son’s house seems like an odd choice , it’s something that would have been right for me . I wasn’t going to live there rent free - we’d arrange for me to pay them a decent sum every month and I’d be totally private other than for meal times . At one stage we felt it could work . Now , for obvious reasons it won’t be possible. It is a real shame . On here , the perception seems to be that we’ve always been at odds - well actually we haven’t. The fact he wants to come and see me once a week is telling me something. I don’t ask him to come , he just says see you next week ( in an angry voice !)

25Avalon my thoughts are pretty clear but I’m not sleeping very well. I’m on my phone too late going o here which I shouldn’t be doing . Tonight I’ve decided to sleep by 11 , then I’ll feel better tomorrow hopefully. I’ve been mentally unwell for over a year now and on an NHS waiting list for counselling which is 3 years long . So no time soon .

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLiliy actually up until very recently I had a great relationship with my AS and DIL , which is why we floated the idea of me moving in . The house is big enough for me to keep out of their way but also to feel safe . I’m having enormous difficulty settling into living alone - this is mainly because of my BPD. This disorder causes me feelings of total emptiness ( sometimes suicidal thoughts) and a total inability to be alone with my own company. I’m waiting for this new flat to go through and whilst I’m happy that it’s so much more suitable than where I am now , I will be alone . This terrifies me and is triggering high anxiety. I’ve spoken with my support worker and she thinks sheltered accommodation would be better but the waiting list is massive. Since losing my partner, I’ve lost so much motivation and can’t see as far as making a new home . So , whilst living in my son’s house seems like an odd choice , it’s something that would have been right for me . I wasn’t going to live there rent free - we’d arrange for me to pay them a decent sum every month and I’d be totally private other than for meal times . At one stage we felt it could work . Now , for obvious reasons it won’t be possible. It is a real shame . On here , the perception seems to be that we’ve always been at odds - well actually we haven’t. The fact he wants to come and see me once a week is telling me something. I don’t ask him to come , he just says see you next week ( in an angry voice !)

I’m surprised that sheltered accommodation has a waiting list- around here, in a London/Kent suburb, they can offer people a place very swiftly.

I do understand about the lack of motivation after losing a DH/DP, as I’m “living the dream”, but it has to be done.

I will never be truly happy after losing DH, but I realise that I’ve got to reconnect with old friends and find a way. I’m getting support from the oddest people - including my ex husband!

There are days when I can’t see the point of it all, but I have to push through that and look for a bit of “positive”.

My son lives in America, as he’s married to an American girl. They have a very big house. We all get on well, and when they flew over for DHs funeral, they asked me to go back and live with them for the rest of my days….I told them, nicely, that there was no chance of that.

It wouldn’t be fair on them, and I don’t want to give up my independence. I get on with both of my kids, and in laws, and I cherish our relationships, but I don’t want to live with them.

They need their lives, and I need mine.

But, you’ve got to pursue what you think best.💐

maybe your son feels a sense of duty, also a regard and affection for your late husband, so he is trying to support you through keeping in touch.

Ladysuisei

I had drafted a post to you earlier asking if your GP or any other medical professional had ever mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder to you, as I could hear it in your posts. I decided against posting that as I really didn’t want to offend you.

Now that you mention that you do have BPD. I wonder if you have ever heard of DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy)? It is a very effective treatment for BPD.

I would urge you to ask your GP about a referral for DBT. Depending on the waiting times, it may be worth exploring this privately.

I don’t think you can see the part your BPD is playing here in the situation with your son. I can see you hurtling towards a situation that there many be no coming back from, and I think the only way you are going to be able to salvage it is by seeking treatment for your BPD sooner, rather than later.

It won’t only improve your quality of life, but will also show your son and your DIL a commitment to working on a healthy relationship with them, and their child.

Your BPD is preventing you from seeing what others here are seeing.

@DiamondLily how lucky you are having such a thoughtful son !
I’ve largely given up since my DP died . We had planned to get married this year when I was 60 , so life does feel quite pointless. I am struggling living independently which is why I would go into sheltered accommodation if I had the chance . The flat I’m moving to is very nice, in a good area so I’ll see how this goes . Given the choice , I’d be with my family though xx

GG65
Yes I’m aware of DBT and it’s offered on the NHS here in groups . I’ve read the book by Marsha Linehan which was fascinating as she invented this therapy and continues to improve it to this day . Actually, my DIL also has BPD so my son is well aware of the pitfalls. My issue is abandonment, ( obviously) but also my FP ( favourite person) who was my partner died both “ abandoning “ me and depriving me of my FP . This is so painful. I really need to get well for myself, not for my son , who is more than aware of how the bereavement was likely to affect me . Sometimes things are largely out of our control , such as feelings of abandonment and desperation to avoid this happening. DBT might well take me until the end of my life to solve these issues it’s not a quick fix . Also , given the high prevalence for suicide in borderlines I’m surprised my son is being quite as cruel with his verbal abuse. He knows the triggering words and does tend to use them . Maybe he’s worried he’s my new FP ? With the added complications of his wife having the same diagnosis, she’s obviously wanting her FP and struggling with her own issues too . They might not be abandonment, in fact I don’t believe they are . I know she’s a self harmer ( as am I ) so maybe this explains why her pregnancy has been difficult. Mind you they both overlook the fact that I’ve obviously gone through pregnancy myself and would have had issues then , although I’d not been diagnosed.
Yes we have a very complicated situation going on dont we ?

GG65 - BPD can mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder, which are quite different. We don't know which OP has though I assumed Bipolar, bit may be wrong.

Sorry - posted before saw last post.

@GG65
As you can tell I’m extremely self aware when it comes to my PD and how it impacts on my life . Sadly DBT will offer some type of help but I can’t afford to pin my hopes on this salvaging the situation with my family. If I had a physical illness or disability, this wouldn’t be an issue . Once again the stigma of serious mental illness is blamed for all life’s problems, whereas those who are physically unwell would receive empathy and understanding.

Ladysuisei

@GG65
As you can tell I’m extremely self aware when it comes to my PD and how it impacts on my life . Sadly DBT will offer some type of help but I can’t afford to pin my hopes on this salvaging the situation with my family. If I had a physical illness or disability, this wouldn’t be an issue . Once again the stigma of serious mental illness is blamed for all life’s problems, whereas those who are physically unwell would receive empathy and understanding.

Yes, I can see that you are aware of how your BPD impacts your life, but I think you have a blindspot in that you are not aware of how your BPD impacts your son.

From your posts, it is clear that your son does have empathy and understanding for you. But empathy and understanding is not infinite. He seems to be doing what he can to maintain his relationship with you, are you doing what you can to maintain your relationship with him?

I don’t think that casting your son as the villain, your abuser etc is helpful.

I do think DBT could help you in this regard and I would encourage you to rethink your position. It’s not a cure, but it is very effective in helping to manage emotions etc.

Would you say that you feel your BPD symptoms have been exacerbated since your partner passed? Are you currently being prescribed medication to manage your symptoms? It may be worth a visit to your GP to discuss a way forward for you.

BPD is not an easy condition to live with and I’m sorry you’re struggling Ladysuisei.

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLily how lucky you are having such a thoughtful son !
I’ve largely given up since my DP died . We had planned to get married this year when I was 60 , so life does feel quite pointless. I am struggling living independently which is why I would go into sheltered accommodation if I had the chance . The flat I’m moving to is very nice, in a good area so I’ll see how this goes . Given the choice , I’d be with my family though xx

Purely on a practical level, Clarion social housing group offer direct applications for their LiveSmart schemes, (sheltered by another name), which are countrywide. If you don’t like your new home, this is probably worth looking up:

www.myclarionhousing.com/find-a-home/rent-a-home/livesmart-homes-for-older-people

Best wishes. 💐

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Sago

This OP has been prolific on this site recently, in all of her posts regarding this matter she has only just mentioned a really key fact the BPD.
I am not sure now that I believe anything she has posted.

Sago I think that may be a little unkind. It would have been helpful to know the OP suffered with BPD but I don’t think we should necessarily disbelieve everything she has said. Clearly she is a troubled soul telling this from her perspective and the amount of posting demonstrates that.

Some posters have experience of BPD and are now offering good practical advice as to how to live with this which Ladysue really needs to take on board. I feel sorry for the son who is under considerable pressure with both mum and wife both having BPD. Clearly he is struggling.

Avalon You are very generous.

Sago it’s kindness day. “Be kind to others not because they are nice but because you are” as someone said.

@LadySusi, one thing that seems to come up in your responses is, “I did this in that situation…”

You seem to have the expectation that others should react the way you did, otherwise they’re wrong. Or so as other family members did.

Your son and DIL aren’t anyone but themselves. They will react as they do, and insisting that either of them is wrong for that is unkind to everyone involved.

As for the initial event that created the situation? You hurt them. You’ve apologized. You don’t get to decide when or how or if the relationship is repaired. They need to heal. You insist that they’re punishing you, but that makes you the central figure in the situation, and you’re not. They are. They’re making decisions for their family: the two of them and the coming baby. Yes, those decisions impact you, but they’re not doing it to YOU, they’re doing it for THEM. The more you push, the longer it will take. It seems like you’re pushing because the baby is due soon. It’s not going be resolved before then. If you let go of the timeline in your head, you stand a much better chance of being able to repair things. Your son HASN’T shut the door on you, but if you keep pushing, you’ll put him in a situation where it’s more pleasant to not have you in his life.

You don’t want that. So give them time.

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@GG65
Yes BPD is recognised as the most painful disorder for the sufferer. Someone mentioned ( @Sago ) although I won’t dignify her with a response, that I’ve only just mentioned my mental illness and therefore should not be believed! How rude is that . Nobody is obliged to divulge sensitive medical information on a forum- but after a lot of consideration I decided it was relevant.
Yes my BPD has worsened greatly since losing the man I love. As well as losing him , my hopes and dreams and my future, I am constantly anxious and fearful . I have lost my Favourite Person a concept unique to BPD . I’m now feeling constantly empty without this figure and probably have inadvertently replaced my son as my new FP . It’s very complicated- now I feel abandoned by him , another unique feature of BPD . Yes it really is the gift that keeps on giving . This affliction was bad enough when my love was alive but I’m permanently hurting these days . Living alone is torturous for many reasons. . I. Fact I’m staying with my dad until I hopefully move to yet another flat to try .
DBT might be of limited value given they only do group work on the NHS these days .
Life is very hard suffice to say .