The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

@madgran yes thank you for your suggestion of staying calm . In fact despite all the chaos in my life currently, I feel generally pretty calm anyway. I’m not aware of spiralling? I suggest we don’t talk about it just in case things get out of control again . So that’s a new term to me . I hope I get the opportunity to put your advice into practice this weekend. My next challenge is to keep this going on the phone call - that’s often quite bad . I keep taking a step back and sticking to calm subjects like f 2 f xxx

It's good that you're feeling generally pretty calm Ladysu not at all easy in the circumstances.

Have you heard any more about your move? I hope it's not too far off.

Had a good singing lesson this morning, started yet another new piece this time by Handel and in Italian not Latin. It's hard to believe that I'm learning pieces I'd never have thought I could sing . Goes to show what an excellent and extremely patient teacher I've got.

Ladysusiei glad you are feeling calmer. Hope this makes you smile. My alarm goes off at 5 every morning to start taking my tablets. This morning I knock my bedside lamp over knocking my mug of water onto the carpet splashing the side of my bed and my phone landed in the water. Good job it has a cover on it. I have a bed bar to help me in and out of bed and because it left a gap between the wooden side of my bed and mattress I put 2 towels in to fill the gap they got the water and the wooden side . So my mattress stayed dry. Had to repair the lampshade as the 2 metal bits became detached. Note to self make sure I look what I do in the morning. Hope that's made you 😊.

Smiles which Handel piece are you learning I love Handel to be honest all classical music opera and orchestra. Your singing coach knows how get the best out of you. Do you practice at home for Mr S ?

@Smiles no news yet . Because we are exchanging between 2 different housing associations they have different timescales, so I was thinking of giving them a ring . Mind you , my previous house is being renovated ready to relet when I thought it was being sold . The LL has said I can have the tenancy back . Obviously a private let now through an estate agent. J don’t want to lose the flat in case the house goes wrong so it might mean 2 moves !!! Omg what a nightmare. I’m scared to wait for the house and let the flat go . It’s bad timing . I’m emotionally attached to the house I think , so that’s my reasoning here . I’m not completely mad ! Oh another good singing lesson! xxx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hi again Rewriting post I asked to be deleted above but ...I am ridiculously excited at the arrival if our brand new orthopaedic chairs today! Mr M has arthritis in the spine and needs one but I decided one wouldn't do me any harm either so we bought two. They look lovely and are unbelievably comfortable. Sitting here with my feet up and a cup of tea. Hmmm reminding myself of my mum!!!! 🤣

@Whiff - oh no that’s a bit of a bloody shock at 5am !! Yes it did make me smile , which is a good thing at the moment!

@madgran lol - reminds you of your mother . That’s funny . I hope you enjoy your new chair !

Ladysuisei

@Smiles no news yet . Because we are exchanging between 2 different housing associations they have different timescales, so I was thinking of giving them a ring . Mind you , my previous house is being renovated ready to relet when I thought it was being sold . The LL has said I can have the tenancy back . Obviously a private let now through an estate agent. J don’t want to lose the flat in case the house goes wrong so it might mean 2 moves !!! Omg what a nightmare. I’m scared to wait for the house and let the flat go . It’s bad timing . I’m emotionally attached to the house I think , so that’s my reasoning here . I’m not completely mad ! Oh another good singing lesson! xxx

Usually, if you exchange through two housing associations, you don’t do anything else.

Both accept the properties as seen. Estate agents aren’t involved.

Is this another house?

That's a favourite trick of Mr. S's. Whiff. We always take a glass of water to bed and I've lost count of the number of times he's knocked his over.

It's Lascia Ch'io Pianga from 'Rinaldo'. Almerina is abducted by a wicked sorceress and the song is her lamenting the loss of her love she'll never see again because she can't escape. I do like the melancholy pieces as I can really get into them. Not sure what that says about me .

I can't ever have music playing without singing along but tend not to practice the pieces I'm learning for my singing lessons and choir when Mr. S's around. He does hear me if he comes in unexpectedly though. If he's in I go down to our basement living room.

Moving is always stressful Ladysu, so many things have to come together on the same day don't they, and there's the packing. Did you say you'd be getting a removal firm to pack for you? That's what we did when we moved here. They did it in one full day and about 3 hours the following morning. It would have taken us weeks, and because of the heartbreaking reason for our move, we just couldn't face it.

I was thinking this morning about when we moved everything from our original static caravan into our new lodge. Bearing in mind there was no furniture or white goods, apart from the little tumble dryer, it took the best part of the day.

Who'd have thought you could have so many things in such a small space!!!

The new chairs sound great Madgran. You did the right thing buying a pair and I can imagine you and Mr. M. both sitting comfortably with your feet up, enjoying a . Who said getting older can't be fun .

@DiamondLily oh yes ! It’s a different house ……it’s where I used to live with my partner. I left 6 months ago . It was damp etc , but the LL has renovated it and has decided to relet it . He’s given me the first refusal on it . This only came up since the exchange set in progress . The exchange flat is far too good to just let go , so I may have to move twice . That’s if I decide to go back to the house . The house is private LL so downsides , but my dad can just walk round whereas the flat is a bit isolated. I stopped driving 6 years ago so I’m not sure if I’m confident enough now to start again , so largely I’ll be in an isolated area . It’s a new development, so eventually there will be some shops etc . I want to make sure I get this right , so I’m risking the actual cost of the move and obviously the inconvenience, but I’m attatched to the house . It’s a shame they have coincided, because then the decision wouldn’t be available. I hate it when this sort of thing happens, because I feel I need to do it this way .

@smiles yes it’s stressful which is why I’m getting the removal company to pack because I can’t face it on my own . I’ll never get it done . I know I sound incredibly flaky not making a choice and sticking with it but I really need to think long and hard about my old house . When I left , it was in need of work doing , so I realise I’ll be paying more rent but it’s a case of never say never . It’s either the new flat ( 6 months old ) or going back to “ our” house . I do miss having a garden despite the fact I’ll need to mow the lawn ! The flat is opposite a new park and has landscaped garden with benches . I’m really not sure - part of the problem is simply living alone . I can’t settle anywhere without my partner . I do realise I’ve got no choice though and this move ( moves!) will need to be long term . Paying twice will hurt but I really need to make the right decision no mistakes this time . Oh and my cat will prefer a house too

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLily oh yes ! It’s a different house ……it’s where I used to live with my partner. I left 6 months ago . It was damp etc , but the LL has renovated it and has decided to relet it . He’s given me the first refusal on it . This only came up since the exchange set in progress . The exchange flat is far too good to just let go , so I may have to move twice . That’s if I decide to go back to the house . The house is private LL so downsides , but my dad can just walk round whereas the flat is a bit isolated. I stopped driving 6 years ago so I’m not sure if I’m confident enough now to start again , so largely I’ll be in an isolated area . It’s a new development, so eventually there will be some shops etc . I want to make sure I get this right , so I’m risking the actual cost of the move and obviously the inconvenience, but I’m attatched to the house . It’s a shame they have coincided, because then the decision wouldn’t be available. I hate it when this sort of thing happens, because I feel I need to do it this way .

Oh right. I assumed the two flats were housing association. I didn’t realise you and your partner had separate homes.

@DiamondLily sorry I’m being so confusing here !
Me and my partner shared a home for 20 years - I left it 6 months ago . It was damp plus I was very depressed on my own at the time .

I moved to a housing association flat which wasn’t in a good area so I managed to find an exchange , which is what I was happy doing . Going to a different flat in a better area .

Now “ our” house renovated and LL decided to relet . So I might go back .

Renovations not complete and exchange likely (?) to go through first , so I’ll need to go there as a temporary measure then decide if I want the house which the LL is happy for me to do . We were there 12 years . So I might be moving twice within the space of a few months but I’m managing to get away from a poor area for me . I could stay in exchange flat then if LL changed his plans with the house . I realise this is a palaver but necessary to get to a better area . The waiting list here would take around 3 to 5 years to get somewhere decent. It’s terrible. The exchange option is the only realistic way to get something a lot quicker .

I’m sorry - I didn’t explain that very well first time round did I ?
Xxx

No, you don’t have to explain. It was only after years of experience with living in social housing, and working in that field for a while, I was just confused.

For what it’s worth, I would go with the security of tenure with social housing, rather than a private landlord - they can sell up at any time, which isn’t good.

Ladysuisei

@madgran yes thank you for your suggestion of staying calm . In fact despite all the chaos in my life currently, I feel generally pretty calm anyway. I’m not aware of spiralling? I suggest we don’t talk about it just in case things get out of control again . So that’s a new term to me . I hope I get the opportunity to put your advice into practice this weekend. My next challenge is to keep this going on the phone call - that’s often quite bad . I keep taking a step back and sticking to calm subjects like f 2 f xxx

Hi Lady

1. "Spiralling" is a phrase that covers the whole process of getting overwhelmed by the negative thoughts which as you know can be so difficult to deal with. You are managing SO well; listening and analysing and considering so many aspects ...and you are pulling yourself back from many negatives etc. I hope you are pleased with yourself for managing that 👏

2. On the phone- keeping calm is great and in fact all the other aspects of the strategy are exactly the same as face to face conversations

i.e Day to day discussion; let him lead the subject matter; listening; reflecting back to show you have heard etc. as in "I understand that I have hurt you!". No more than that at this stage.

Presumably the reason for ringing is to make arrangements for the Sunday visit? Is there any need to have wider conversation than that?

If he starts on other stuff maybe you could say "If you'd like to discuss that let's talk about it tomorrow when you visit"

I wonder if in the next phone call he might refer to your dads comments this week and his anger regarding that so maybe prepare yourself in advance for that ...prepare responses such as:

"I understand you are angry. I have spoken to Grandad and told him that you do not wish to discuss it."
Just a straight statement! I would suggest not saying that your dad has the right to say things or that he deserves respect etc; if you do you will find yourself being pulled into and engaging in the angst again, and tempers will fly and things will deteriorate. Hold on to the long term aims not short term reactions

....oh so sorry Lady just taken in that you suggested not discussing spiralling and I waffled about it a bit above. Apologies

@DiamondLily - yes I have a wonderful ability to confuse people!
Well it’s going to take a bit of thought I know , because of the secure tenancy .
Mind you , I do know the LL is going to want a long term tenant , he’s only young as well , so won’t need his investment for his pension fund yet .
This is something which I’ll be weighing up , so it’s probably a good idea to try out the flat first . I’m just not used to flats - only ever lived in a house until recently. Then I had a bad experience……….
So many choices ! So much hassle!
xxx

@madgran no need to apologise! Oh I’ve not been spiralling !!
Yes I do find a telephone conversation more difficult to keep control of , but as you say just make arrangements and stick with this . I hope he’s coming anyway. I’d like the opportunity to redeem the situation from last week.
An acknowledgment that I’ve hurt him might be a good idea - he seems to have twigged I’m sticking to a new technique. So this is something different.
In future, if dad sees him I’ve said no more talk about the baby . Anyway we’re fed up with this conversation I know I am . It’s a power trip for my son which I don’t like and also I don’t agree with him weaponising his child like this . My opinion is that good parents don’t do this . I’m tempted to tell him see . So I’ll stay off the subject totally . It’s just more calm chat this Sunday and then we can get back into normal conversation. Obviously if he doesn’t come then I won’t be needing to think about this . I hope he comes because despite the awful times in between, I do enjoy seeing him . I hold out hope he will go back to normal.

It's not a bad idea Ladysu, giving you the opportunity to see what you think about living in the flat, a bit like trying before you buy.

@Smiles yes try before you buy is exactly what I thought ! I may well not be trying it for too long - the cross over time might turn out to be literally a few weeks ! What a nuisance , but I can’t get confirmation from the estate agent about the house being ready . I’ll have no choice really, can’t let the flat go

Smiles love that song have you heard Renee Fleming sing it . Her voice is beautiful.

Madgran I can just picture you and Mr M sitting in bliss with a drink in hand and then nodding off in comfort. My 3 piece is G plan and over 30 years old but my dad always fell asleep in the arm chair after a cup of tea. Had many visitors over the years nod off . But it's very comfortable ,high back and well padded. Mind you still remember buying it when to Coles and my husband turned down the price stickers because he knew I would go cheaper instead of what I wanted. Still remember it was £1,200 which was a lot in those days. But so glad we had it as it will see me out.

Ladysusiei has the landlord of the house you left solved the damp problem? Have you asked as the last thing you need is to live in a damp house. It wouldn't do your health any good as black mould will be growing you may not be able to see it as it may be under the flooring. I know it holds memories but you have to make new ones and I know how hard that is. While you say you will miss the garden the new flat has a park opposite you say. Also you need to think about getting older I know you are younger than me . When I moved one of my wants was a small garden as I had to have gardener for my old house. I know moving to my bungalow has made my life so much easier and it's cheaper to run. It's all water meters here which has saved me a lot I pay £28 and few pennies my old house no water meters and paid £160 and pennies the same as a family of 4. Also it's easier to keep one level warm and easier to clean.

For me moving here gave me a life. After my husband died I existed I didn't live as I had people depandant on me. I rattled round our large house also it was still the children's bedrooms.

Moving here for me gave me a new start yes my son estranged me after him and my daughter wanted me to live closer for years as I lived 100+ miles away. But that hasn't stopped me living my life to the full. This will sound odd but the bungalow is mine . Yes our house was after my husband died but still thought of it if ours.

I loved making it mine sounds selfish but I wasn't happy in my old house after my husband died I didn't want to be their . But you take your memories with you. I was down sizing so had an good declutter which also decluttered my mind and let go of things I should had years before but it didn't make me sad. But unlike you I had 13 years alone in my house the children left in 2006 even having my mom living with me last 18 months of her life I was still alone . When mom's dementia took hold I knew I had to have a bungalow especially when I had jaundice.

See how you go in the new flat . Also like DiamondLily said it security as the landlord of your old house decided to sell so you had to move out he could do the same thing again then you would have all the upset again.

Think you said the flat is a new build only 6 months old so you won't have any damp problems . You mentioned confusing people I do that to myself all the time and to people. I try to say something and it's comes out differently to what's in my head but that's me 😂.

Like Smiles said good idea getting the removal company to pack . I take you will be there while they do it and hope you mark what's in the boxes . I did all my own packing. I did number and put what was in the boxes but I must have had a blind spot when it came to toilet rolls as I had packed 6 packs of 9 rolls no idea why 🤷🤦.

I hope you posting at 4.00 am doesn't mean you had a bad night Ladysu.

There's a lot to think about regarding flat v house. DL and Whiff have made a valid point about security which may well be better long term in the flat as opposed to the house. Also smaller accommodation = lower running costs so something else to consider.

I haven't heard Renne Fleming Whiff but have listened too Joyce DiDonato. They all have amazing voices don't they. I'm concentrating on the music only played on the piano as the melody is clearer than a full orchestra, and that's what I need for a new piece.

6 packs of 9 rolls!!! maybe you had a subconscious premonition of the loo roll shortage Whiff.

Was a good premonition Smiles I started packing in 2018. If you get a chance listen to Hanacpachap Cussicuinin.