The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Will do.

Hi @Smiles and @whiff there’s a lot to think about with moving isn’t there ? Yes I was posting just after 4am because I had a bad night . Actually I feel dreadful today - I’m sure sleep deprivation is catching up with me and I just feel very unwell. When my partner was alive I slept really well - even though I was anxious then . If I woke up at night he’d help me so I’d go back to sleep! Now , as soon as I wake up that’s it even if it’s 4am I’m wide awake , then I crash and burn by the afternoon. I don’t know where all this will end . I’m going to move to the new flat and from there I will need to decide about the house . Yes I agree I’m emotionally attached to the house - we were really happy there , but it’s unfortunate timing . I can’t believe that the estate agent aren’t able to give me an indication about how long the work is going to take . To be honest I would think the LL would be eager to start getting rent on the place so maybe it will be sooner rather than later , it’s just knowing. There’s also the issue of the lifetime tenancy with the housing association place , but my dad wants me close by . He can walk to the house but not to the flat . The flat I got now isn’t within walking distance, it’s only the house that is . This is the problem with social housing, obviously I’m lucky to have somewhere but you need to compromise, normally on area . The damp Whiff has been sorted out , but when we both lived there there was damp coming through in the hallway and then in the living room . He can’t relet it if it’s damp . The garden is quite small and if I do go back then I’ll just keep the lawn - we did other things before but had to remove it before I left . I can do the lawn myself- or get someone in . I’m pretty fit and can do things like that . I suppose going back a while , my son would have helped me but I’m doing things myself now . There’s a lot of things to consider. I just like things that are familiar- I’m really worried I won’t settle in another flat , I just don’t know . I’m having so many issues adjusting to life without my partner it’s dreadful. I wish I could achieve peace but I’m struggling with this .

Well it's to be expected that you're struggling with so much uncertainty and big decisions to make Ladysu. A lifetime tenancy is a huge plus as you'll never have to think/worry about
moving again.

How far is the new flat from your dad? What's public transport like? I can understand him wanting you to be close but you have to think about your long term security too.

I'm sorry you're having trouble sleeping, it's horrible isn't it and catching up during the day isn't ideal, and if you nod off in the afternoon that can make you feel rubbish too.

Things will settle down eventually so hang on in there. You're doing well .

@smiles yes I am not sleeping more than a few hours and it’s catching up with me now .
Yes there are benefits with both housing options- mind you I was thinking about moving to the house then when I can register back onto the social housing site doing this , because he is looking for a long term tenant . By the time I’ve lived there a while I can apply for a property which might be more suitable like a sheltered type place - something age appropriate!!
This flat is very nice don’t get me wrong but it’s on a new development, there’s no transport ( no buses yet ) I could do taxis and eventually there will be a few shops but we’re talking about a couple of years . I think most people living in the block would drive . I’m really concerned I’ll become isolated. With the house I won’t be isolated. I’m not really sure what to think , but being isolated is a massive downside to me . I’m trying not to overthink and not to worry too much about the long term future, because when I start doing this my anxiety sets off . I used to drive , but after a break of around 6 years I don’t know if I got the confidence any more . It’s a pity because I used to enjoy driving but the roads around here are absolutely mad . In fact , my sister who’s been driving for years only ever does short journeys because the roads are horrendous. So if they go further than over dads or to the shops etc , her husband drives . So , I don’t think I could count on driving myself around any more . Normally Dan would take me if I needed to go somewhere that was too far in a taxi but obviously things have changed there . Even if things settle down , I can’t rely on him for things . This is what got me into this situation in the first place . I tend to think I need to be a bit more central , which means the house really . I’m thinking of now and not the future here . It’s awful because when my partner was alive he drove us around- who’d have thought I’d be in this situation? It’s something that could have been sorted if I’d have at least practiced driving occasionally but it’s not something you tend to think about, when you don’t know something is wrong . The lady in the estate agent hasn’t been helpful at all - I been asking her about ID for the application etc and she said something like oh it won’t be needed for a long time yet ! So is a long time a month , 3 months , what ??!! She’s exasperating. So I’ll definitely be trying before I buy with the flat . Possibly a couple of months which is not brilliant. Makes me wonder what’s being done in the place ? She said a shower - maybe it needs to be decorated afterwards I’d have thought so . So , all in all I will be needing my own place sometime in the next month . Maybe I’ll settle in the flat who knows but I think I’ve already decided it’s the house where I want to settle down . Gosh all these decisions are frying my brain . On top of the AS situation my poor anxiety will be getting a battering !!!

Aaagh - realised I forgot to preview my post . Please ignore my reference to my local taxi driver . I use the same one all the time . I’ll get it taken down .

Whooos - I put the name of my taxi driver in there by mistake. I’ve ashes GN to take my post down . Oh dear xxx

Good afternoon everyone. Having a pretty quiet week - my SILs sister died on Monday, so I’m giving DD and SIL the space to deal with all the formalities etc that follow someone dying. We’re texting, but other than that, I’m keeping a low profile.

So, my manicurist came today to sort out my scruffy nails, and give me a hand/arm conditioning session, and apply some new nail gel.

Have also sorted out a hair cut and colour next week - more expense lol

I’ve always thought it important, since DH died, not to neglect what I usually did. It’s hard at times, but probably best I do it.

Ah well, I’ll bat on through our wedding anniversary, with my usual smile plastered on.

Hope everyone is having a nice day. 💐

I wouldn't worry about naming your regular taxi driver Ladysu. Once you get settled into your new home where ever that may be, you could think about having some driving lessons to build up your confidence and if that goes well, perhaps getting yourself a car, finances permitting of course.

Sorry to hear about your s.i.l.'s sister DL.

It does us good to have a bit of pampering. I do my own nails but always feel better when I've been to the hairdressers.

You don't have to 'plaster a smile on' here with us DL. Your upcoming wedding anniversary, the first since you lost your DH, well I can't imagine how hard it will be. We're here for you, just as you are here for us x.

Smileless2012

I wouldn't worry about naming your regular taxi driver Ladysu. Once you get settled into your new home where ever that may be, you could think about having some driving lessons to build up your confidence and if that goes well, perhaps getting yourself a car, finances permitting of course.

Sorry to hear about your s.i.l.'s sister DL.

It does us good to have a bit of pampering. I do my own nails but always feel better when I've been to the hairdressers.

You don't have to 'plaster a smile on' here with us DL. Your upcoming wedding anniversary, the first since you lost your DH, well I can't imagine how hard it will be. We're here for you, just as you are here for us x.

Thank you Smileless - it will be hard, but then another “first” done. Then, it’s on to St George’s Day for the anniversary of his death - gawd. 🙄

I’m hopeless with my nails - one hand looks lovely, but I batter the other hand using the iPad. I’m also hoping that the arm and hand treatment will keep the wrinkles at bay a bit. Hope so.😉

It’s hard though - it would be easy for me not to bother with anything much, (no point`) but I don’t think that’s a road I should go down.

But, I press on - I don’t know of any other way to do it, although, thankfully, I don’t have to pretend on here x💐

@DiamondLily sorry you have suffered a family bereavement and I hope your wedding anniversary isn’t too traumatic. Gosh I haven’t had my hair done since before my partner died . Oh dear it’s just getting very long and I tie it up . Note to self - get hair done .
@Smiles well in the flat I could afford to drive , in the house I couldn’t. Mind you in the house I wouldn’t need to really. I’ve given thought to getting back into driving actually- it’s my confidence. I still have my licence , I’d need refresher lessons I suppose. I did used to drive with confidence so never say never I suppose. I’d like to think I’d do it - wouldn’t buy a car until I was sure ! I must admit that I don’t really like getting taxis , they’re always diesel and make me feel sick !! No I won’t worry about accidentally naming my driver !

Ladysuisei I apologize for asking you to repeat yourself 🌸

Yoginimeisje I’ll try to do better

No one has to pretend on here DL, that's what makes it such a lovely and caring thread. The first year of 'firsts' are the worse and although you're right about it being better to not stop bothering, be kind to yourself too.

Refresher lessons would give you confidence Ladysu and even if afterwards you still don't feel confident enough, you'll have tried and that's all any of us can do. It's definitely worth thinking about though, just think of the difference it would make to your independence and freedom, to where ever you want, when ever you want .

DiamondLily sorry about your sister in law's sister. Hearing of a death always brings it home to you your own loss. Grief is a vicious circle the slightest thing it hits you hard and unfortunately it doesn't get any easier with time. I haven't found time is a healer it just shows how much your loved one has missed. In the film Alice through the looking glass there's a line in it which says time is a thief. And that's how I feel.

&Debs8 don’t worry - no problem xxx

@Smiles well yes it’s definitely something I’ve not ruled out . I’m just needing to get the confidence back and then who knows ? I did used to enjoy driving back in the day and yes I could go anywhere I liked then couldn’t I 😀

@whiff actually I don’t think I’m going to find time is a healer also . I never want another relationship and I will miss my darling man every day for the rest of my life . I think we are all different xxx

Ladysusiei when my husband died aged 47 the thought of spending the next 20-30 years alone frightened me. When we had his funeral I decided I never want another man as no one would measure up to my husband and we had been together since I was 16 and he was 18.

I am pleased if people can find love again but not for me. He was my one and only the other half of me the only person who knew the real me and I him. I have no room in my life for a man plus I am to set in my ways and like living on my own doing what I want when I want. I had decades for looking after others and never putting myself first. Since my move here I do just that . If before the estrangement my son needed me then I helped like I help my daughter if she needs it . But my bungalow is mine my happy place. Don't get me wrong if I could have my husband back fit and healthy I would in a flash but I can't . I like my freedom to much to give that up . As the years go by my body will dictate what I can and can not do but I will always find a way to do things my way.

I miss my husband everyday and that's never going to change . But I was lucky to be so loved and loved in return some people live their whole lives and never have that. We are they lucky ones who had that and some still have that . 🤗

Thank you DL & Smiles I thought I was going to get a hammering for saying all that, however I'm only on page 10 of 12

I don't know what DBT is, is it therapy? I only knew of my estD diagnoses of BPD through my son as we were estranged then. Her darling H must have taken her for analysing. My son reckons she doesn't have it.

As I understand it Yogin, DBT is talking therapy to help people who experience emotions intensely to understand and accept those experiences.

I think it was said here that this thread provides a degree of 'talking therapy' as simply sharing with others can be extremely beneficial even though none of us necessarily have any answers.

Yes Ladysu if you regain your confidence to drive, you could go any where you like .

Sorry for your loss DL

Debs

Ladysu you'll def. need a car if you move into the flat, maybe an automatic would be easier. When I lived in Hullbridge, by the river, it was very cut-off, there was only 1 bus per hour, so I had to ferry my children around all the time, it was a pain! The flat being isolated might be ok for a short time, but better to live somewhere where you can walk to your dad's and elsewhere and has a garden.

Yes Smiles I've always found this thread is my therapy, to 'talk' with those in the same sad boat, getting lots of good advice and sympathy too. You couldn't get that with a therapist who hasn't been estranged.

Whiff your love story with your late Husband tugs at my heart. I'm so sorry you lost him

...and understanding.

@whiff well I can’t see me ever wanting to be with anybody else . My man was the one great love of my life who I still love intensely. He is irreplaceable in my heart and as things stand I can’t see a way through missing him . I’m feeling very low at the moment. Additionally I’m missing my son , even though he doesn’t deserve me missing him . I wake up wishing and hoping he will come back to me . I’ve put all I had into raising him and I’m feeling so devastated and hurt by his treatment of me . To block me on his phone is cruel - sometimes I need to hear his voice is this too much ? xxx

Lady an automatic makes driving SO much easier as Yogin suggested. Well worth considering to get you back on the road! 🚙

I don’t think you ever get over losing the love of your life, but I think, over time, you do slowly, slowly adjust to living alone, and forming new routines.

I certainly feel less traumatised than 6 months ago, although I can still be hurled back there by silly things.

But, I’m learning to find the ”fighter” within me again, and am battling back against stress - that’s the only way I know how to be.

I don’t want anyone else, no chance. I’ve always enjoyed the company of my male friends - but strictly on a platonic basis.

Curiously, the one person who had made me laugh at times is my ex husband. We know each other so well, and can talk about our long history, (ignoring the contentious bits!), and laugh with each other. Which is good - neither of us want anything from the other besides a laugh once a week.

He never moved on from me, so I’m not stepping on anyone’s toes doing this.

I guess we all just muddle on doing the best we can manage.🙂