The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Congrats. Hope it works out. But for now - just stand back and let your son make the running.🙂

And don’t identify them online.

Wahoo. 🍾🥂.

Congratulations to all of you. How wonderful and how nice that your son kept you informed.

Yes there is hope. The fact that your son texted you is a sure sign that he wants to remain in contact, it's a very positive sign.

Now comes the tricky part.......in your excitement.try not to overstep any boundaries your son and DIL might set. Give them time and space to find their feet. Wait and see, let them set the agenda.

And if you are invited to visit don't focus all your attention on the baby.

Buy your DIL a small gift - after all she's the one who has done all the work.

That's lovely Ladysu, many congratulations.

Wishing the baby lot's of health and new mum a quick and easy recovery. Please refrain from posting specifics about your grandson, Ladysuisei. I know you are excited but please be respectful of the right to privacy of your son, the baby, and your DIL. They did not ask you to publicly identify their child online. Now more than ever it is important you understand boundaries. It can very well be a make or break period for your family, so try very hard to act and behave rationally despite the excitement. I am sure they will appreciate it.

Ladysuisei

HELLO MY LOVLIES - I am a Nan . My son sent me a text [name redacted] born yesterday 7lb 8oz . The texts (3) had kisses . Maybe we have hope .
Without hope I have nothing xxx

[Post edited by GNHQ to remove identifying information]

Lady congratulations!

Now stick to "calm" with gentle interest when he tells you things. Dont let excitement run into anything that could even vaguely be interpreted as bombardment. ...even if there is no suggestion of seeing baby etc. Dont let disappointment slip into anger slip into engaging in angst! Hard I know but important at this point if you want to maintain contact.

The fact he texted absolutely shows not all is lost 🌹

Agree with PPs.

Your son’s entire focus will now be on his wife and child for a while, which is normal.

You likely won’t see him on Sunday, because he will be concentrating on them.

Just sit back, share the joy of a newborn, and then wait.

He’s let you know - which is a positive step.

Life may not be as you wish it, but it can improve.💐

@DerbyshireLass thank you for your extremely kind reply . Yes it’s easy to read replies and to become defensive but I try wherever possible to sit back and think of the advice being given . I’ve had some invaluable advice from others on here . I do believe my relationship with my son wil survive- he’s texted me to tell me my 1st grandson has arrived! Baby [name redacted] ( whoops) I should’ve hidden the name below . Aaagh I put his name on here - I’ll get it taken down . I’m excited!
Well , I do need to make plans to move . The flat I was given is really not suitable. Doing drugs downstairs 😳
My housing support worker has called a new today about my situation- she’s coming to update me with some news on Thursday. Called a meeting sorry .
She’s looking into a mutual exchange I have been offered on my flat plus another possibility. I want to go back to “ our house “ , so it depends on what she has been able to organise.
I’m renting. We never had enough money to buy a house . We were happy though - I miss him terribly and my grief is very early. He died suddenly and unexpectedly on 16th January 2023 . I will never get over him and it will take me a long time to become independent- I’m not a naturally independent person. I’m so used to being part of a couple but I will have to adapt .
Now my son has been in touch I can tell from his tone that in time we will escape estrangement. Thanks to the advice on here , I know how to avoid the pitfalls. Yes some advice has been quite brutal BUT very helpful. I have considered every comment actually even when they’ve appeared to be harsh.
I know I can be intense ( Allsorts told me this and it is difficult to hear ) Whiff has been very honest but also very kind , DL again honest but kind , Smiles - well supportive and lively , as is Yogin . Well everyone on the support thread has given me some bit of advice that I’ve taken on board .
I need to step back and let my son come back to me . My DIL didn’t speak to me for the last 3 months if her pregnancy but I don’t care - we reconcile and I will NEVER mention this time ever again . I will learn from it but I will never talk about it to them . It will be in the past . I’ve tried to extend the olive branch so many times but my son has been very angry with me . I don’t know why . I can’t see what I’ve done wrong, maybe it’s nothing more than pregnancy hormones and stress . Let’s hope so . In future though , I will consistently remember their need for space and I will not be intense if I can help it . Today , I’m just grateful for the safe arrival of my GS 🥰

Ladysuisei,

When reading your posts across threads, you have posted your DIL's private medical information. You have posted about her mental health. You have now twice posted the name of their child even after Gransnet mods intervened, along with other specific identifying information. Excitement is not an excuse for violating them this way. The internet doesn't need to know so much of their private business and they aren't the ones choosing to share anything about their lives with readers of this website. It is incredibly disturbing that you persist in this behaviour. You cannot rationally expect them to consider you a safe person to allow closer when you clearly do not respect their basic rights. Please stop.

We all understand how thrilled you are (all been there), but you really need to stop with the personal stuff.

We all just refer to family by initials (DS, DD, GC etc).

Your son and DIL will be furious if they find out.

Please don’t keep doing it - you know you are doing it.

DL no !!! I’ve asked for it to be taken down - what an idiot hey !
Thank you for your advice . I will be patient and wait . I feel things will work out xxx

Ladysusiei congratulations on being a nannie and your dad a great granddad.

The baby was a good weight. But don't text your son . Wait for him . If you bombard him with text or ask for the babies name and picture you will be blocked again. Just give them space . I don't want to happen to you what happened to me . My son asked me for space after his email in May 2020 . So I waited until it was his birthday and second sons the same day in August I knew their new son was due late July. The day after their birthday I had the parcel back all unopened the babies presents were crushed and my son wrote I do not want your vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near me or my family ever again . Zero contact.

I have never been vindictive or manipulative in my life. Luckily my daughter and grandson where here that day. The babies presents when to a charity for babies . Lovely clothes and cuddly toy.

So since then I have never sent a card or present on any occasions. I will not let my son hurt me anymore.

Just back off and wait.

It will work if you actually commit to being respectful of them, their privacy, and their wishes in general. If not, you can hardly blame them for doing what they need to protect themselves.

Ladysuisei

DL no !!! I’ve asked for it to be taken down - what an idiot hey !
Thank you for your advice . I will be patient and wait . I feel things will work out xxx

I hope they do. So just enjoy the moment, and wait.🙂

Ladysu - many congratulations on the birth of your grandson, but can I suggest you go back and reread all the great advice you were given on this thread yesterday. I’m sorry to say if you don’t follow what has been said to you then I fear all will not work out well. You have been given a second chance to put your son and his family’s needs above your own. This is what any loving and wise parent does. You must look elsewhere to get your needs met, so you can rebuild a close relationship with the family. I wish you well.

AHHHHHH!!!

Lady, huge congratulations!!

Please please please listen to everyone on here giving you help and guidance.

How you act now and treat them both will speak volumes for future relationships.

Calm, light and supportive. I hope your DIL is recovering well

@MercuryQueen thank you for your good advice there. Yes you’re right about mismatched expectations I think . It’s a pity that my son doesn’t feel the same as we did when we came together to care for mum , but like you say it’s his way . I’m not annoyed, I don’t need that care as such , just a bit more compassion would not hurt but it’s been a learning curve ! Now he’s finally a parent himself ( only as of yesterday) maybe his perspective will change. As parents we need to put someone else’s needs before our own and compassion is needed to be able to do this . Just the feeling that we’re not at odds would be lovely. I’ve had a few messages from him today following the birth of my GS and I can tell that he’s more relaxed . Things are thawing- after all I don’t even understand what it is I am supposed to have done . So long as we’re able to move forward then as far as I’m concerned there’s no need to even mention the awfulness that’s been going on . This will suit me fine. I don’t harbour grudges and I don’t like dwelling on the past either . Thank you xx

SincgoTime hold on a minute- violating them ! I posted too quickly, in my excitement forgot to use abbreviations. What is your problem. I’ve spoken in general terms about a situation that pertains to a possible scenario of estrangement. This is not violation it’s an error of judgment!

@DiamondLily I honestly didn’t realise my error until I’d pressed post - if you knew me in the real world you’d understand I would never intentionally post personal details, I’m technically inept and get a bit excited!! In fact as soon as I realised I requested that it be taken down . I’m surprised by how quickly people come to judge on here . I’m offended that an error is immediately dismissed as being something done intentionally

@Spring20 yesterday has been and gone - I do not put my needs first . Anyone who knows me in reality would understand this . You are just a name on a forum and you think you know me - you don’t .

Whiff

Ladysusiei congratulations on being a nannie and your dad a great granddad.

The baby was a good weight. But don't text your son . Wait for him . If you bombard him with text or ask for the babies name and picture you will be blocked again. Just give them space . I don't want to happen to you what happened to me . My son asked me for space after his email in May 2020 . So I waited until it was his birthday and second sons the same day in August I knew their new son was due late July. The day after their birthday I had the parcel back all unopened the babies presents were crushed and my son wrote I do not want your vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near me or my family ever again . Zero contact.

I have never been vindictive or manipulative in my life. Luckily my daughter and grandson where here that day. The babies presents when to a charity for babies . Lovely clothes and cuddly toy.

So since then I have never sent a card or present on any occasions. I will not let my son hurt me anymore.

Just back off and wait.

@Whiff thank you from me and my dad . My son sent me a few messages and I didn’t ask for anything, only that was everything ok etc . He replied back in a tone that gives me optimism- he offered to send me a pic and I’ve stared in awe at it for the last few hours . Dad tried to ring him from his home phone but my son messaged me that he couldn’t talk right now . I didn’t attempt to ring , I’m playing this cool . You’d be pleased with me - I’m following valuable advice from those who know .
What happened to you at the hands of your son is very cruel . I can see that you don’t have a vindictive bone in your body , it’s your son ( or his wife ?) who has the problem and you are clearly protecting yourself from future hurt . I desperately want to mend things between myself, my son and his wife because I believe we stand a good chance here . Also having an only child makes you feel so utterly desperate when you think you might lose them . I don’t know how many on here are mothers of only children, but it offers a different insight into the meaning of desperation. Yes , it’s awful losing touch with any child but when you only have one it feels like not being a mother at all . I’ve never felt so holy as these last few months, so yes I’ll back right off , act cool and hopefully they will come back to me xxx

@March AhHHH indeed ! Yes I was just calmly sat there and my phone pinged , saw message from son thought “ oh that’s odd “ then read the news . I’m delighted obviously. I’m delighted that he initiated contact with me and we exchanged a few messages- all were things about the baby nothing heavy . I asked how my DIL was and if labour was “ ok “ , she’s doing well and apparently her labour was ok !! Lucky DIL ! I was worried after what happened to me . I thought she’d be carrying a big baby that would also get stuck , but no all is fine . I’m relieved , happy , delighted with the new arrival, he’s exceptionally cute , but importantly I know I handled the situation properly . I haven’t attempted to phone him , I only sent relevant messages in response to his and I detected a different tone to these exchanges. It seems like he’s all relaxed now the baby is here . I think my DIL is still in hospital I’m not sure I didn’t ask specifically. I just know she is doing fine and tvs baby looks very content and seemed to have a little smile on his sweet face . I know going forward that keeping quiet is my priority. I am waiting for him to come to me . I won’t send any further messages etc unless they are in response to his . I’m aware that the advice is not see anyone for 2 weeks , so I’m not expecting to see them for at least this amount of time . Then we will see . I’m doubtful that he will carry through his threat of not letting me see baby because of the tone in his messages but I’m not going to push it . I’ve taken your advice from your perspective if a DIL on board and I will NEVER interfere, turn up unannounced, keep ringing……
So , for this evening I’m feeling a sense of optimism and I have a plan going forward. Thank you for your advice with this .

@DL yes as far as I can tell the post has been removed thank goodness. I thought to myself what a plank as soon as I saw it !
Yes playing it cool from now on

Ladysu in posting on this forum you have revealed a great deal about yourself and many good folk have offered good advice. As I said I wish you well going forwards.

It's been disenheartening on this thread to see the number of times that LadySui snaps at people whom she doesn't agree with or lashes out at them, but I am sure that we all wish the very best for her, the baby, its mother, father, and grandfather.

I too am the mother of a single son, incidentally, and I know he'd be furious if I revealed things about him online and might not speak to me for months if I did--he guards his privacy fiercely--so it's good to see that LadySui has pulled back on that.

I think Derbylass has an excellent idea--if you're invited to see the baby, bring a gift for the mother. Don't be alarmed if it takes weeks for them to feel comfortable sharing the baby; that's often what the pediatricians advise, and they're not likely to make exceptions.

If it's not too much to offer more advice, don't call the baby your baby or "baby hog"--that is, don't hold the baby and refuse to give him back when one of the parents asks for him. Both of those things ("my baby" and baby hogging) really seem to bother young parents, and there's no advantage to that.

It's wonderful that your son has been in touch. Hold that to your heart and know that they are very busy and may be terribly tired. (I can't be the only one who had a baby who never seemed to sleep . . . )

Laduesui, congratulations on becoming a grandma. He only just missed arriving Mothers Day.
DSL, you're back, welcome and with new teeth, I don't think I would have gone weak at the knees facing all that work, but I know it completely alters your face when it's done and it's worth it.
Nmama, think when it's personal there would be nil chance of a reconciliation if they found out. Understand the reason behind off loading for some though.