The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Madgran77

Wise post Derbyshire Lass, as ever!

Thanks Madgran.......with age comes a little wisdom. 😂 (sometimes ha ha).

Smileless2012

Great advice DerbyshireLass and lovely to see you here and know that all continues to go well .

Smiles. So far so good. 🤞. Of course I am still employing the "red rope policy". Lol.

Sorry to hear that you struggled with going to church yesterday. Hope you feel better today. 💐

Thanks Madgran.......with age comes a little wisdom. 😂 (sometimes ha ha)

Age and experience! As you say, sometimes!! 😏

@LadySu, you said:
The dynamics changed with the pregnancy and given I didn’t know for the first 11 weeks we are talking about approx 6 months of assistance for me then my son concentrated on his own life

It sounds like he and your DIL were there for you for quite some time, but it wasn’t something they could sustain long term. Pulling back to focus on his own life, wife and coming child is normal, ime.

Is it possible that your expectations were too high? You’ve mentioned how your family dealt with things in the past, but those were choices made by you and others. It doesn’t require your son and his wife to do the same.

I think most of the problems may boil down to mismatched expectations. You expect him to do as was done by others, and it seems like when he doesn’t, it causes you upset and confusion, maybe even frightens you? Because in your perspective, this is the way it’s supposed to work, and by him refusing, it’s more change you have to cope with? So then you want to talk about it, argue it, to get things back to How They Ought To Be, not realizing that to him, you’re ignoring his no. He’s answered. It’s not open for discussion or debate. In response, he gets angry, and things blow up.

If you can work to let go of thinking he should follow a certain way of doing things, and accept that he’s going to do things his way, it might help. He told you that he’s not doing things to punish you, but to protect himself. Believe him. You may not agree, you may not think he needs to protect himself, but that doesn’t matter. He feels that way. And if you are able to change your perspective from thinking all his actions are about punishing you, it could help.

Ladysui, you have received such good advice here--sometimes gently, and sometimes more forcefully. I think that it's fair to say:

--Accept that if you see your grandchild, it will not happen immediately; young parents today often wait for several weeks to share a baby, even with close family. Young parents want to wait to make sure that the baby has had the shots that will protect him from illnesses that even loving visitors might accidentally expose the baby to.

--Accept that if they make an exception, it may be that the new mother wants her mother to help the new family get comfortable.

--Accept that they are not going to have you move in. Stop bringing it up. That ship has sailed.

Let me explain why, thinking from their angle. The way you have sometimes behaved has left them feeling that having you in the same house and same kitchen would be quite uncomfortable for them. They might find living with your emotions and needs uncomfortable. At this point your son apparently feels he needs to avoid them by blocking your phone. If you lived with them there would be no way to block out your anguish and anger. That is why they no longer wish to host you.

Most people, unfortunately, find it very, very difficult to share a house with someone who has untreated BPD. That is why getting treatment has been suggested several times. Getting treatment for that, and perhaps for anger management, might make a huge difference in your relationship with your son and daughter in law.

Yes, anger management might be ideal for your son, as well, but that's not for you to suggest until you get your own anger under control.

Those who have suggested that you

--should not send message after message
--should not bring up topics that anger your son
--should not expect support from your son at this very stressful time in his life, and
--should get treatment for BPD and anger management

really want things to get better for you. We truly do.

Smileless, sorry about your trauma at Church, it sounds as if it wiukd have been very difficult even if it wasn’t Mothers Day, you did very well turning up with the other few members and trying. In future I think you’re right to not go, you @nd Mr S have that day together.
Whiff, do hope your daughter is able to see her GP, it’s not been long since her awful cough dragged on.
Mothers Day is one of those days that bring our situation home that little bit more, but it’s just a day and it’s how we are every day that really matters, my son always spoils me on my birthday and Mothers Day and I’m pleased he cares so much. I do however feel the loss of my d but don’t mention it and I dread to think of the reason given for her dislike of me and that won’t ever change. My friends say she must be mentally ill but she’s not.
It’s a very wet day here but it’s lovely seeing the grass greening and the daffodils out, promise of better days to come.

Just a quick one. DerbyshireLass lovely to see hear from you . Glad you still have contact with your son and daughter in law..

Did you find and move into your new home after renting ?

DerbyshireLass - lovely to hear from you, and glad that things are still going well with DS and DIL.

You were patient and handled it just right.🙂

Whiff

Just a quick one. DerbyshireLass lovely to see hear from you . Glad you still have contact with your son and daughter in law..

Did you find and move into your new home after renting ?

Hi Whiff.

Thanks. Still renting. Have enjoyed my "sabbbatical". Have been concentrating on some health issues and have been having extreme dental work. 5 implants 😱😂. Getting there. Aiming to start house hunting soon.

Hope all is well. 💕

DiamondLily

DerbyshireLass - lovely to hear from you, and glad that things are still going well with DS and DIL.

You were patient and handled it just right.🙂

Hi DL.

Thanks. I just hung in there and eventually it came right.

I was so sorry to hear about your husbands death. Life can deal us some cruel blows sometimes. Losing the love of our lives is devastating.

Sending you hugs and 💐.

Blimey Derbyshire Lass 5 implants!!! I had one and that was quite enough to last a lifetime frankly!! Hope it's all been successful. Mine has fortunately! 🙂

Yes. 5 implants, 3 of them supporting two crowns. So a total of 8 new teeth. I must be a masochist.........

Actually it was far less traumatic than I anticipated. It has been a lengthy process but surprisingly pain free.

The worst part was the cost!!! Had to save hard and make some sacrifices, such as no holidays since 2018. No biggie.

My new "Hollywood Smile" is my reward. Tom Cruise eat your heart out. 😂

DerbyshireLass

DiamondLily

DerbyshireLass - lovely to hear from you, and glad that things are still going well with DS and DIL.

You were patient and handled it just right.🙂

Hi DL.

Thanks. I just hung in there and eventually it came right.

I was so sorry to hear about your husbands death. Life can deal us some cruel blows sometimes. Losing the love of our lives is devastating.

Sending you hugs and 💐.

Thanks. Yes, it’s been a buggar of a year - blood, sweat and tears at times. Luckily, I’ve had lots of support.🙂

Unfortunately, bereavement doesn’t happen in isolation. There are always other stresses - and we’ve had the ongoing saga of Miss Dysfunctionality and my first great-grandchild.

We are getting there, it’s ploughing through the family court. All sides have agreed that Miss D can’t have unsupervised contact with the child. It’s just not safe.

Very sad for the child though.

Still, all the family can do is to try and plug the gap.

Glad you’re well 💐

DL was it Signal or Colgate that had that advert with a sparkle on the teeth that "pinged" after someone had brushed their teeth ( many years ago!)? Maybe a new career for you? 🤣

DL. I read with dismay the ongoing situation with Miss Dysfunctionality. It is truly horrendous and, as always, it's the innocent who suffer. Poor child.

It must be so hard for the family. As if bereavement isn't hard enough, you have this thrown at you as well. It's good that you have supportive people round you and that you are all pulling together to watch over the child.

Wishing you the best possible outcome in all this. 💕

I think it was Colgate who pinged and promised the "ring of confidence". And it was Pepsodent who made you wonder where the yellow went, 😂🤣.

A new career? As a geriatric model perhaps?? . Lol. Maybe recoup some of the money spent on my new gnashers.......

A sparkling grinning knasher model! 😄

DerbyshireLass

Hello Ladysu.

I used to post on this thread because at one time I was exactly where you are now, a grieving widow who was fearful of being estranged from my son and DIL and never having a relationship with my grandchildren.

I had been walking on eggshells for about three years but our relationship really deteriorated until eventually there was a brief period of estrangement lasting for 10 weeks.

I read everything I could about estrangement, watched a lot of you tube videos and joined this thread and a couple of other forums. I received a lot of support and friendship, especially on this thread, for which I was very grateful.

You are not estranged yet, there is still a window of opportunity open to you. Your son may be blowing hot and cold but he is still communicating with you and visiting you. That's a positive. You are still in with a chance IF you tread warily.

You may want and indeed need more but at the moment he can't give you more. He has a lot on his plate, what with his wife's mental health issues, the pregnancy, the impending birth. He probably has very little left in the tank right now. I agree he shouldn't shout and swear at you but some people just don't handle stress or pressure very well. It sounds as if he isn't coping well and so he is shutting you out because he feels overwhelmed.

You have been given some very good advice on here so I won't cover the same ground. But I will tell you this, if you adopt some of strategies that have been suggested then you will stand a very good chance of success.

I did exactly what has been suggested to you. I backed off and allowed my son to set the pace. After 10 weeks of estrangement he contacted me and offered an olive branch. I accepted it with grace and charm. When he visited I kept things light, kept conversations bright and breezy. After another few weeks my DIL started visiting again. Since then she has apologised, fences have been mended and we are all fully reconciled. No recriminations or bitterness, it's all water under the bridge. It just took a little time and patience.

Be patient and give him time. Make no demands, don't apply pressure, don't make him feel guilty. Wait and see. In the meantime look to your own happiness. You are not alone, you still have your father, who clearly cares very much for you. Find a nice place to live. Summer is coming so get out and about. Put yourself first, maybe revamp your wardrobe.

You will never get over the loss of the love of your life but you can build a good rewarding life.

Good luck, have courage and take care of yourself. 💐.

@DerbyshireLass hi and thank you for your advice . I’m not currently contacting my son certainly not during the week when I know he’s busy . I am highly confused why my son changed . Like you say . Walking on eggshells is really stressful and not knowing what to say or do makes things feel worse . I don’t know the circumstances of your loss but the only thing I can comment on is my own . Sadly my partner walked out of the house , healthy or so we thought , even though he was going to the GP . Not for anything serious- unfortunately he didn’t leave the surgery alive and I am still in shock . We hadn’t made future plans which was probably silly , considering we’d been together 20 years and had planned a wedding this year actually. Our housing situation was renting and I left the property in September but found the flat to be unsuitable and made me more unhappy than I already was . I panicked about this and have since been hospitalised, not for my mental health but with pneumonia. I’ve stayed with dad for a while as I lost my confidence, meaning I have leaned on my son more than I would have liked . It came as a shock that he’s not wanting to help . I realise I’ve gone down in the pecking order , quite rightly, but to feature nowhere really hurts . Anyway, I don’t want estrangement- I will gladly and graciously accept any olive branch offered should it be forthcoming. I dearly love my DIL - I’ve previously been close to her so I don’t understand her hostility towards me . I really don’t . Yes on Mother’s Day I went OTT with the messages which I regret and won’t do ever again. I acted impulsively not in a calm and measured way which is unfortunate. We all act out of character when feeling threatened or in a panic - this was my poor attempt at trying to get him to acknowledge the hurt he’d caused me by not coming. I don’t make him feel guilty- any sense of guilt he might feel will come from within because he can’t rewrite history. He does know that I’ve been a good mother despite my shortcomings. He has shortcomings too - namely his anger outbursts. I don’t get angry , despite a previous response suggesting I have an anger problem. That’s ridiculous, I am passive and anxious , fearful of what the future might bring. I’m not courageous. I’m indecisive about my housing options- I’ve decided to wait on my previous house which is a private LL , doesn’t offer any guarantees, and is undergoing some minor renovations before it will be ready to move into . I have to accept the reassurance I’ve been given by the letting agent and the LL that the tenancy is mine because I don’t have a choice . I’m trying to decide how often I ought to chase this up given its been a while now that the works started . I think it might be ready soon but I don’t know . I just want to sign something then I’d be happy to wait until the date given for move - in . All these uncertainties combined with not having my man to share them with makes life very difficult. Well you’d understand this . When a few things in life goes wrong I don’t cope very well and that’s when I can’t make sound decisions. I do know I need to give my son his space and I understand that his wife’s mum will have more involvement with my grandson than I will . I’ve always known this although I don’t understand why it should be the case . I didn’t do things this way when my son was born - my MiL had contact whenever she wanted. This is alien to me being prevented from seeing a grandchild . It’s not something I would have done to my mother that’s for sure , but I’m sure he has his reasons. I just don’t understand them .
I am now going to try to make the best choices I can about my life and not involve my son in any decision making . He’ll just be told once I’ve decided I suppose . It’s awful not being close but I’m accepting this as just being another phase of life .

"I am now going to try to make the best choices I can about my life and not involve my son in any decision making."

A wise and prudent approach! It will be more rewarding for you in the long run. Never lose faith in yourself. You will surprise yourself at how resilient you are. I predict that next year you will look back on this period with such pride in how you persevered. I truly do.

Ladysu.......glad you found my post to be of some use.. I was in two minds about posting but I wanted you to know that there is still a chance for you. That window of opportunity to avoid estrangement is not quite closed just yet. Follow the guidance you have been given by all the good people on here and proceed with caution. You may find some of the advice a little hard to take but trust me on this, it is given with affection and with your best interests at heart.

I don't know much about your mental health issues. I am not a health professional so will make no attempt to advise you. However. I too will suggest that if you need professional help then reach out and get it. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't hesitate to seek medical assistance so what's the difference. Whether it's our minds or our bodies, sometimes we just need help to fix them,

It will be 10 years this August since my husband died. What can I say.......the raw grief does eventually subside, as do the panic attacks, the fear for the future and the unnamed anxiety.

We may never fully recover from our loss but life does get easier, we learn to smile and laugh again and to take pleasure and comfort from the small things. We learn to stand on our own two feet and be independent again.

I have moved several times since my husband died. I am a good homemaker, my husband used to joke that I could turn a prison cell into a palace. But, without him, it's just a dwelling place, rather than a home ifyswim. I am sure I will find the right house for me in time.

My last house purchase was a business investment rather than a home. I bought a fixer upper, sacrificed holidays and worked like a demon for 3 years to create a beautiful home and then sold it for a handsome profit, The renovation was hard work but it did me good. It took my mind off my grief and gave me something to focus on, plus some of the profit has funded my dental treatment. The work soothed my troubled soul and gave me my new smile. 😁 win-win.

Currently renting and looking for my next purchase, probably another project. I enjoy renovating old wrecks.

My advice is to bury yourself in work of some sort, doesn't have to be paid work but find something to sink you teeth into. Work on yourself, your new home, new hobbies, new friends. Build a new life. It takes time, effort and courage but it can be done.

Whiff will tell you the same. She moved house and bought a bungalow. She has created a lovely home where she feels safe and secure. She has created a new network of friends and interests. That's the secret to rebuilding your life.

Show your son you can make it on your own, that you are not going to be constantly leaning on him, that you a strong independent woman. Make no demands, don't ask for favours. If you need help to move then pay for it. Find a little handyman for all those little bits that will need sorting.

You can do this. Just take it step by step. And take your time, there's no rush.

No, you’re right DL - my DD and SIL have been wonderful, but I was determined not to become a “needy old lady” lol - I never have been and I can’t start now. They get cross because I’m too independent (in their eyes!).

I’m not moving, because my happy memories are here, and despite it being social housing, DH and I spent a lot of money here (new kitchen, new bathroom, fitted bedrooms etc) because we knew this would be our last home.

I do what I can, I employ tradesmen for big stuff, and SIL does a few little jobs.

I speak to DD daily, my son and DIL, (in America) phone twice a week, and are coming over in May. My GCs phone once a week. SIL hauls me over once a week to eat a roast (my appetite still hasn’t recovered). That’s enough for me.

My health restricts a lot, but I’ve rediscovered old friends, made unexpected new ones, and even (after 24 years) reconnected with my ex - strictly as mates and parents/GPs. That’s fine, and all it will ever be.

I miss DH every day, I’ve struggled at times, but I’ve always known I had to bat on.

DH always said I battled through life like a Sherman tank, and he’d expect nothing less of me.😳

Impressed at your implants - I couldn’t have them. Apparently smoking/gum disease made them a no-no. 👍

DL. Sherman tank .......lol.

Yes, luckily smoking isn't one of my vices. Within the last three months I have finally managed to give up sugar and caffeine. Feeling very smug. 😂.

Unfortunately I had to sell the family home because my husbands illness nearly bankrupted us. I still miss it. Hey ho. I sure I will find something nice.

Yeah..smoking is a bad habit, but it’s getting me through the days and nights, along with a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio. We do what we have to lol 😉

Yeah, well I’ve had to get control of the finances, which DH used to do, but I haven’t had to move, thank God.

Doing the monthly accounts wears me out, but I’ve got to keep my show on the road now, so I get on with it.

@SinscoTime yes I am resident and despite having BPD , I am a determined and tenacious woman. ( I’m also a NAN !!! He messaged me ! )
I will step back , wait patiently and see how the future unfolds

HELLO MY LOVLIES - I am a Nan . My son sent me a text [name redacted] born yesterday 7lb 8oz . The texts (3) had kisses . Maybe we have hope .
Without hope I have nothing xxx

[Post edited by GNHQ to remove identifying information]