The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Ladysui, people are concerned for you to keep the very fragile peace that the baby's birth has given you, and I think that most people on this thread would say that the advice you've received may sometimes be blunt but is very good and entirely well meant.

When something important happens it can sometimes feel as if a person MUST keep thinking about it--as if taking a break is bad luck, somehow. But the truth is that taking a break from thinking about the new baby, your son, and your DIL may be a relief, as they may be exhausted and waiting for the baby to get his first shots.

So just now, distracting yourself from thinking about the new family is very good indeed. There are some things you can do: a long walk has been suggested. Go to the movies--it might be good to choose a comedy. Watch a box set. If you enjoy reading, go to the library and pick up a couple of books you'll enjoy. If you enjoy cooking, find a recipe that looks good, shop for the ingredients, cook, and enjoy the results--I imagine your father would enjoy that too. If you feel you can drive or if your father can, take a day trip out; it's very, very unlikely that your son is going to invite anyone to meet the baby for weeks, frankly, so you're not going to miss an invitation. If you can, go out and shop for a gift for the new mother--perhaps some bath bombs--and buy yourself a little something too. Buy or borrow a jigsaw puzzle and work on it as you listen to the radio or to music. If you knit or crochet, find a pattern for a baby hat or jumper. If you don't but are interested in giving such a gift, find a yarn store and see if they have free classes for new crafters. What are some things you've enjoyed doing in the past? It's time to plunge into them again. You may come away from them feeling refreshed. And the baby isn't going to go away while you do some things you enjoy.

Gosh I genuinely wish people had taken the time to suggest such good ideas and fresh ways of thinking to my EM. Maybe things would not have got as bad as they have if she had been given, and listened to such advice as PP give here.
At the end of the day everyone is responsible for their own actions. And like others have said respect is a 2 way street, in thought, intent and action.

Yes, it is. Words and actions affect all sides.

Yes Otter respect is a two way street. I'm sorry that things are not better between you and your mother .

I think it is inspiriting to see how people can cope and even thrive in the midst of what has to feel like disappointment and diminishment, and how they can offer comfort to others who are struggling.

Otter and Nmama that was lovely of you both to say nice things about this thread.

Without it I would have been lost and felt alone. But knowing people understand ,give good advice and don't blame me for my son not just dumping me but all our side of the family. Has helped me let go as of last year. He hurt me from May 2020. I decided last year not to let him hurt me anymore. Last time I saw and spoke to my son was on my birthday 4 days before the email. Had wonderful time with him and he talked about putting paving down for me to make the garden safer. I now think he had the email already to send when I saw him last. He should have told me to my face and not should himself to cruel and cowardly.

That wasn't how he was raised . My husband and I instilled into the children good values. And we always did our best and I did after he died.

I always thought he was like his dad but my son and daughter in law have turned into my in laws. But I don't hate them like I did my in laws.

At least with my in laws they said things to our face. My father in law told me I was defective. I was born disabled. My husband loved his parents but didn't like them. Once married we went every Sunday if they kicked off we walked out but went back the next Sunday. My husband would never give up on them . After he died I looked after his mom and was her emergency contact even though she denied she had a son and 2 grandchildren. She refused to go too both their weddings. I hated my mother in law for 40 years but because of the love for my husband and she was family I sat by her bedside for 2 days while she died. Only after she was dead did her brother and sister in law turn up.

My son and daughter never gave up on their nan and made sure she had a mother's day card for nan and gift , Christmas and birthday and saw her when they came to see me .

My daughter in law knew my mother in law and they both know what a bad mother ,mother in law and grandmother is.

My parents where total opposite of my husband's . Loving in everyway. Wild horses wouldn't have stopped my mom going to both weddings. And she got to see and hold her first great grandson. Funny enough he was the only person she remembered when dementia took her think because he was a baby. My son and daughter in law brought him to mom's funeral and he never made a sound even though he was awake during it. Funny how I just remembered that.

I am lucky I have a loving caring daughter ,son in law and 2 grandson's. If I was vindictive and manipulative as my son called me then they wouldn't want anything to do with me. So I know I am a good mom , mother in law and grandmother. The fault lies with my son and daughter in law.

But I know who I am and know what my strengths and weaknesses are and know I am a good human being .

That's a lovely thing to say Nmama; thank you .

Well I've got sheets blowing on the line this morning . It's surprising how some decent weather lifts one's mood isn't it.

We're going to our lodge on Saturday for the first time this year and hoping for at least some decent weather. Had intended to be there now but with a few appointments to be kept here, including the dreaded routine mammogram for me tomorrow, it was better to wait.

Big boobs and mammograms aren't a good combination. I always find it extremely uncomfortable and usually end up with tears in my eyes.

We know we're good parents and for the time it lasted, good parents in law and we'd have been good GP's too. It's good that you know this too Whiff. We all need to remember that we are not responsible for our EAC's behaviour. If there's any guilt or shame, that's on them not us.

Big boobs and mammograms aren't a good combination. I always find it extremely uncomfortable and usually end up with tears in my eyes

Oh I know that one Smileless Necessary bit awful! Hope it's not too bad tomorrow! 💐

Madgran77

*Big boobs and mammograms aren't a good combination. I always find it extremely uncomfortable and usually end up with tears in my eyes*

Oh I know that one Smileless Necessary bit awful! Hope it's not too bad tomorrow! 💐

Try doing it when you’ve got all that plus joint problems….eeek!😳

Er ...I recognise that one too!! 😏

It’s taken me days to read this thread and I have to say the advice and concern shown to posters is humbling.

I know just how terrifying estrangement feels and you’re out of control emotionally for a long time in the early days. Well I was.

I don’t have the headspace to engage in such a difficult subject these days but I’m so glad that this thread is here for all who need it. The sensible and good advice is invaluable ….You must save lives.

I'm lucky only got small boobs that disappear when I lie on my back . Every time I have a mammogram they have problems getting my nipples in place. I did ask if they needed a finders fee last time 😁. The radiographer said the problem is my nipples are the same colour as the rest of my boobs. 🤦

Granniesunite that was a lovely post. I am glad I am on it thanks to Smiles and Yogin keeping it going for 11 years. 💝

Yes Whiff. I do admire the constant and steady way these lovely ladies help total strangers struggling with such hurt when all the time dealing with the same hurt themselves.
That take courage and compassion.

You of course too whiff 💐

I'm not estranged from my daughter but it's not a close relationship. It was many years ago. But now I am blamed for many things most of all for not leaving my ex sooner, that is, when she was a child and not waiting until she was a young adult. I'm told I was not a good mother.

She livea very far away and our communication is only by email. Her choice. A few months ago she vented very strongly about all the things I've done wrong. I stepped back a bit and we remained in contact just not as often. About every ten days.
A few days ago I did something really stupid by accident. I referred to my granddaughter by the wrong name. I only noticed this today and sent a short message apologising. I now await either being ignored, or possibly being berated again.
Sometimes I think estrangement might be easier than this constant nervousness.
No, I guess I don't really mean that. I don't want estrangement, I fear it.

Divorce is very much a factor in estrangement coolgran it seems you never get it right .
It’s my adult child that’s estranged from a child through divorce and watching that pain is overwhelming at times.

Our situation is healing now but still in the early stages. We walk slowly but with much love in our hearts.

I’d say in your situation taking it slow and keeping it light is the best but I know much wiser and more eloquent posters will be along at some point to give you the support and advice you require.

Boob Size, nipples and joint problems on a support thread for estrangement; who'd have thought these would be a topic for discussion. What an amazing, inspiring and great bunch of ladies you are x

Thank you Granniesunite, it's good to know that you're reading our posts and it's always lovely to hear from you.

I do understand Coolgran. Constant nervousness and being on the receiving end of criticism and blame must be at times intolerable. The simplest of mistakes, like referring to a GC by the wrong name are easily done and should be treated with humour rather than with disdain .

My wonderful maternal GM would sometimes go through my mum's, aunt's and female cousins names before getting to mine, and we would just laugh about it. Sometimes my mum would call me by my brother's name!!! and we'd laugh at that too.

Thankfully we were spared the fear of being estranged. It was all over in 8 months and we never saw it coming. If it helps you by talking to us here then please do so. As you can see, anything goes, even nipples thanks to Whiff.

You're a treasure Whiff, that really made me laugh .

We walk slowly but with much love in our hearts that's beautiful Granniesunite.

I posted earlier this evening about calling my young gd by the wrong name in an email and I was waiting on eggshells to see what criticisms were to come. Following my noticing it I'd sent an apology. Such a minor thing, wouldn't cause a thought with any of the other AC. But with a difficult relationship you just never know.
I got an email this evening, the wrong name was not even mentioned. And there's me was worrying all day.
Thank you everyone who commented. It's good to have a sounding board.

Coolgran glad you had the email . It's easy to call someone by the wrong name after my husband died I'd call my son by his name because he looked so much like this dad mind you did call my dad and brother by his name as well. Think my brain just wanted to say his name.

I can understand you worrying all day but glad it wasn't noticed. But it's sad that people who still have contact with children and grandchildren have to be very careful incase it could end with estrangement.

Makes me realise what my son did was best for me as awful as it was ..For me life's to short for walking on egg shells or what if's . Because he not only dumped me but all our side of the family even though his ire was aimed at me and his sister. He didn't tell his uncle ,aunt and cousins . He just didn't care enough to tell them. He has hurt my brother very much as he was there for us after his dad died and my son talked to my brother a lot about how he was feeling. My brother still doesn't understand why my son has done this but told him it's done . Had to stop my brother going to my son's house and in his words sort him out and that xxxxx of a wife of his.

On a different subject got my train tickets and travel assistance booked yesterday ready for my May holiday. So thats a load off my mind. I like things organised well in advance way I have always been . But at least I now why know and if I decide to do something I have to do it no matter how much pain or how bad my mobility is as others with HPX are the same. Funny finally having my diagnosis has changed my life in so many way . I don't feel alone or weird anymore also it freed me to too say I was born disabled. I had always known I was and my GP told me in 1988 I was but my weird thinking was it was wrong to own it without a diagnosis . My husband told me not to be silly . Even when I was in the wheelchair I still didn't say I was disabled . I wrongly thought other people where worse than me but I was worse than them. Talking to others with HPX especially those with a late diagnosis I found I wasn't alone in thinking that way.

My HPX group like this support thread has helped me in ways I needed and own the fact I am disabled and estranged without any sense of being different but accepted for me. And it's a lovely feeling . Sounds odd I know but that's me.

Glad I make you laugh Smiles 😊

Lovely post Whiff, so good that you feel supported and cared for, soon be May and you will be off on your hols, nice to look forward to it now you have all arrangements in place .

Coolgran when my DD babies were born and toddling around, I would call them Laila, my estGD name, my DD just laughed. Thankfully I don't do that anymore. But sorting out my photos the other day, looking at my youngest GC from DD, she looks just like her cousin at that age, blonde, blue eyed little cutie.

I'm glad there haven't been any repercussions because of the wrong name Coolgran but the fact you spent an entire day worrying that there might be, exemplifies just how torturous the fear of estrangement can be.

As you say, with a difficult relationship you never know and I can only imagine how stressful it must be, living with this fear .

I am disabled and estranged without any sense of being different but accepted for me. And it's a lovely feeling and that's a great post Whiff.

It's always a good idea to be organised especially for going away. I'm already thinking about what I need to pack for tomorrow despite the fact that it's second nature now because we go so often.

Yogin we've got no further than putting all family photo's together in one box, which we did last year when de cluttered every room in the house. At some point I'll put my organising brain into gear and do something with them.

I plan on putting the ones of ES in a box so if he wants them, he can have them when we're no longer here, that's when I can bring myself to look at them .

Well thank goodness that's out of the way. The radiographer was very good, they always are aren't they.