The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

I’ve only blocked one person, I had to as he didn’t listen to me asking him not to contact me, I don’t mind if he was upset, he was making me more upset as he was pestering me when I asked him not to. I would only need telling once, and if some days they were ok and others not and it was when they rang me I would tell him straight, but if it were I that was ringing him when asked not to it would be understandable. It’s a two way thing interacting with each others, you have to listen to what’s said and sometimes unsaid.

I know of some who have found therapy or counselling beneficial. It isn't something I would be interested in but I do know it's been helpful to others.

I'm glad your relationship with your mum improved before she died Nmama that must have been a comfort to you when the time came.

I understand that for some, blocking is the only option they feel they have but for me, blocking then unblocking and repeating the cycle is wrong, and potentially damaging to the one being treated that way.

Morning everyone.

Well it's mild and sunny here this morning and judging by the antics of the sea gulls, we're not the only ones who feel better when the weather improves.

They're a wonderful sight when all of a sudden the sky is heavy with them because they've suddenly launched themselves into a frenzied mid air gathering. Their cries to me are lovely and it's as if they all came together to say 'good morning'. Then just as quickly they've gone again.

Hope you're not feeling too bad this morning Whiff and are taking good care of yourself .

Thinking of you too Ladysu

Not a lot planned for today. Some paperwork to catch up on and maybe singing practice for me. Probably a bike ride for Mr. S. and out for an Italian meal this evening.

Enjoy the day and make the best of the weather while you can.

Thank you all for listening and supporting me on Wednesday evening - I loved the idea of getting two pounds of chocolates and flowers next time. My husband took some photos of the evening and it was good to see my son. As I said in my previous post I always loved his quirky nature but I still need to come to terms with the estrangement

I’m glad you liked the photos, but, to be honest, I would find the whole thing difficult.

I honestly think both of you should be involved, or neither.

But, if you’re ok with it, then fine.💐

So would I DL. I don't know how you cope Still but as long as you're OK, that's what matters .

Hi there - I’ve read everyone’s posts etc and some really interesting views . My experience of being blocked by phone is definitely used as a method of control which I see as unfair and childish on the part of my son . I think Allsorts says she’s only blocked one person who was a real bother ? Well , I don’t bother my son - I have better things to think about. He unblocked this morning for our usual Saturday “ chat “ and he was so utterly horrible to me I don’t intend speaking to him for a while . In fact , I’m apparently the cause of everything that is wrong in his life . This is getting tiresome now and pretty repetitive. He’s 31 years old and certainly doesn’t need to blame his mother if he’s not happy. After all , I’ve had minimal contact and communication with him over the last 4 weeks , how can this even be accurate. He’s obviously got more serious problems than me going on . DL yes I’m trying to focus on my life even though I’m finding it so difficult without my partner at the minute. I’m missing him terribly. His company was brilliant and there will be nobody like him ever - well I’m sure you feel the same way about your DH . Sometimes grief just overwhelmes me . Hi Smiles thanks for thinking about me ! Nmama I’m pleased you reconciled with your mother before she died . Sometimes I think my son doesn’t bother thinking about these types of scenarios. Maybe he’d be happy with getting me out of the way permanently- he did actually say this once . I do feel he would feel guilty if I dropped down dead whilst things are like this . He’s not contacted my entire family since the baby was born so it’s not just me . My nephew who’s 7 months younger and previously very close , is so upset he’s not been invited to meet the baby when so many people have . Im finding my son’s behaviour plain rude actually- he didn’t acknowledge me on his birthday this week - not saying thank you for gifts received from me , my dad or my sister. He accepted them though . That’s plain rude . I’ll continue with the charade of speaking once a week until he decides to visit me which he says he will when the baby in a better routine. So long as that isn’t when he starts school , I won’t mind ! My dad is incredibly hurt by his behaviour and desperately wants to see his GGS but obviously my son is “ the gatekeeper “ so for the time being we wait .

@Still sorry I meant to reply to your comment about the situation with your son . Poor you 😢 you are in a terrible predicament. I don’t know how you can look at photos knowing you’re excluded . I know you say your son is quirky, but I’m very sorry but in my opinion he’s very cruel too . No matter what his mental health condition is there’s no excuse for singling his mother out in the way he does . At least my son is going low ( no ) contact with the entire side of my family for whatever reason

Still, I don hope you are OK. Seven years is a long time not to have seen your son, you don't like what he's done but love him. Unfortunately he has mental health issues, it doesn't follow a pattern, if it did there would be a pill to cure it, it's complex. You don't know what's he's got into his head or what he considers is a problem. Maybe in the future he will see things differently. It's hard for you as I know well, we have to put a face on things somour other family are not worrying about us. I know how ever long my d will be for ever with me inside, I don't talk about her to anyone now, but she's never far away though there's no chance of a reunion.

I read your post with sadness Ladysu that your son, a dad for the first time of just 4 weeks, unblocks you so he can 'phone you to tell you you are the cause of everything that is wrong in his life.

This time in his life should be one if not the most joyful. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that conversation must have been for you. If he's not happy now, at this moment in time, you must wonder if he can ever be.

As you say he must have more serious problems going on than (you). What a shame he can't talk to you son to mother, and tell you what's really going on .

Snap Ladysu, my daughter once told me I was the cause of everything wrong in her life. Needless to say we are now estranged.

Ladysui, your son sounds very depressed and under pressure, his home life might well be chaotic, it can't be easy with his wife having such severe mental health problems, you don't know if she takes it out in him. He is wrong ringing up just go off load and looking stupid you to bane but he's obviously not opine. The phone blocking is probably because with what's going on he hasn't the time to concentrate on you because of his home life. If you don't ring him you will not know if you're blocked, just acceot his calls and if he goes on ranging just tell him quietly you're not being spoken to like that and you'd better leave it until he feels like speaking you properly next time. It will take courage. I look at it from someone estranged many years, it's not good, anything you can do to let him work through whatever's going on will be worth the waiting game as what else is there,? Demands, confrontations etc nothing will work as he's not coping. You should not be spoken down to and shouted at it, makes you question everything you do. In the end it might be you that severs contact,who knows

Sorry words changed after I read them back, a problem with this tablet but hope you got the gist.

@Smiles yes I wonder what on earth is his problem- he should be full of joy , I know I was as a new parent . He’s hateful actually. I am not the cause of everything that’s wrong - he just won’t say . @sadnona well I despair at my son . He’s got so many good things in his life but all he does is complain. I’m obviously not the sole reason for his problems- I don’t know what’s going to happen. We used to be very close . @Allsorts yes you’re right . I’m not going to be ranted at . I could get the gist btw ! My son needs to look in the mirror to see what he’s become- he’s something I don’t recognise. I’m not sure when we will see them and the baby again . I was tempted to stop the cheque I gave him for his birthday- I was furious with him earlier. Some nasty messages. I’m blocked now until next weekend thank goodness!

Afternoon everyone, we have sunshine but strong winds and not as mild as it was yesterday.

I hope that if there's a repeat of his behaviour when he 'phones again Ladysu that you'll be able to end the call, saying what Allsorts suggested. It really does look as if there's something wrong at home, work or both and blaming you isn't going to sort it out.

@Smiles well I’m not happy with his attitude and haven’t been for quite a while now . I’m past caring what’s wrong at home for him because he’s blaming me and this certainly is not my fault. He has been very disrespectful to me today , via messages though so I didn’t have to listen to him ! We did have a disagreement about whether he might agree to be my guarantor for the private house now it’s with a different estate agent ( the other one’s letting department closed down without notice ) and they might reference me ! He’s always said he would do this , but now obviously pulled the plug . The worst thing is he’s signed an agreement acting as guarantor for his wife’s mother . I’m fuming . In order to buy his house and fund his London education my dad gave him in excess of 100k . Yes 100k and he behaves like this . If we only had the benefit of hindsight. I’d have seen him struggle like he’s seeing me struggle now . I’m very angry with him . He didn’t even say thank you for his birthday gifts , money obviously

Ladysuisei - no, the birth of a child should be the happiest of times, if they can’t cope now, then God help them through the teenage years….😳😳

But, having said that, I would not be rental guarantor for anyone, including my own kids/GCs. It can be the road to chaos.

I’m surprised, bearing in mind you previously rented this place, that they even want that.

At least with the social housing flat/s, you haven’t got that hassle.

If the private estate agents persist, I’d just bat on with your social housing.

But, yes, if he accepted gifts, he should respond with thanks, as most people do.💐

I wouldn't act as a guarantor for anyone either DL but being one for your MIL and refusing to be one for your mum is a slap in the face.

I agree with DL that if the new letting agent insists on you having one, you go for social housing Ladysu, but I don't understand why the landlord who let the house to you previously, hasn't told them he doesn't require you to have a guarantor.

Smileless2012

I wouldn't act as a guarantor for anyone either DL but being one for your MIL and refusing to be one for your mum is a slap in the face.

I agree with DL that if the new letting agent insists on you having one, you go for social housing Ladysu, but I don't understand why the landlord who let the house to you previously, hasn't told them he doesn't require you to have a guarantor.

No, I’m consistent. I wouldn’t be a rental guarantor for anyone. Nor would I ask anyone to be mine.

Rental agreements can go on for years, so it’s an open ended agreement.

Even with the best will in the world, things can go wrong..

I would never act as guarantor or ask anyone, not even my children or family. No discussion. If I can help and I have many times,I give what I can afford to lose. If you lend money that you will really need, it would end a relationship trying to get back what is yours. Even when I hit rock bottom I never borrowed, never would, had three jobs and juggled and got through. I appreciate what I’ve worked for..

For what it's worth lady I can't help but see a common theme for the issues keeping on happening with your son and DIL. it seems to be anytime you ask anything of them (a favour or help) that they then push back and loose their tempers. It seems to me when you ask for theese things, vinyl record storage, rent guarantor, moving in and lifs etc. That they feel pressure from you and a breach of some boundaries perhaps. It has been suggested before to you that you don't ask for anything and be more self sufficient, you appear to keep ignoring this and persist in asking.
In my opinion I can see both sides as like you I think that a relationship should be a two way street and comes with give and take and helping when you can, but only when appropriate (i also agree with PP and would never garuntee anyones rental agreement family oe friend). However, I also think that if someone has repeatedly asked you to stop doing something then you should, ie, asking theese favours. I'm not saying that I agree at all with the unkind words they have used, but I also feel you haven't helped yourself by asking for yet another thing when they have asked you not too time and again.

I would never be a guarantor to my child, mother, brother, or best friend--the possibilities for things going wrong and massive legal complications would terrify me. In a perfect world we'd all want to feel that others could do that for us, but such arrangements can go terribly wrong.

It concerns me that the rental agency has switched without notice; that doesn't really bode well. If the new letting agency requires a guarantor . . . I'd go for the security of social housing.

I see what Otter is saying--asking him for anything seems to unleash his fury. If he's never said "Please don't ask for help or favours!" he should have done--but as Otter says, there seems to be a pattern: you ask for something and he reacts with anger. If that's the case then it's best to be aware of that so you can think through "Is there a chance he'll do what I ask? Can I handle his fury if my request angers him?"

Responding to a relative's inappropriate language reminds me of phone conversations I used to have with my late, beloved, but extremely vulgar brother. Sometimes during his calls I'd have to say "You've now used the word 'tits' twice in this call, and as you know, that's when I ring off." I'd say it quite calmly, and then I'd ring off, that second--no arguing about it, no need to listen a second more. He would then ring me up about five times in succession, and I'd ignore it. Nobody has the right to speak in vulgar or abusive ways to another person. And gradually he got a grip on his vulgarity around me. He'd call in a few days and we'd be on good terms.

Don't block the check, Lady. That would seem spiteful, and I'm sure you don't want him to have a new resentment towards you. Go about your business and if you can, buy yourself a bunch of flowers or something that will seem a little indulgent. Get wrapped up in a film on the telly. Do something for YOU.

I read recently "The Dutch have a proverb for it: 'If you want to be happy for a day, get drunk. If you want to be happy for a year, get married. But if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, get a garden.'" I've seen a similar Chinese saying. I have a garden now, with little green apricots and a blooming Granny Smith tree. When I didn't have a garden I, every once in a while, bought flowers. They were a boost to my spirits.

Here's a link to information about guarantors in England: england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/guarantors_for_private_renters

I imagine the letting agent may feel the need for a guarantor since you now have income or support only for yourself, and previously they knew your OH had income too, so your ability to pay regularly seemed more secure. If you can pay several months in advance they might not require a guarantor. I hope the information above isn't bad news.

I'm sorry I've gone on and on!!!!