The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Morning everyone.

You've made a good point about a guarantor being required because Ladysu's income has been reduced Nmama. If you're unable to get one Ladysu I hope you still have the option of social housing.

Hope you're feeling better today Whiff and well on the road to recovery .

A busy day of cooking for me today. We have friends coming for a meal this evening, she's my hairdresser and her husband owns and runs our favourite Turkish restaurant. We'll be having a sweet pepper soup to start followed by lasagne and tiramisu. I've made them all before so fingers crossed they turn out OK.

Asking someone to be a guarantor is a huge thing. And asking your son, who has a new baby and things have been strained? <wince> Ouch. Not good.

For me, it’s highly unlikely I’d be a guarantor for anyone, regardless of relationship, but if I were to even consider it, a number of factors would have to be in play: first, my own financial situation and credit score. Being a guarantor can impact my credit. Does the person have a solid employment history and a good job? What debt are they carrying? What is their budget? What’s their spending habits and financial literacy?

Unless all of those factors were a solid positive, nope. I couldn’t afford to take the risk and end up damaging my family’s financial stability.

Ladysui, I saw that you considered blocking the cheque you gave your son, why, it was a gift and that would appear spiteful, you don’t give to receive and this has been going in for weeks so you shouldn’t have given it in the first place.in future don’t give anything.

I will reply to everyone on this post if ok ? No , I didn’t stop the cheque I was temporarily angry but didn’t do it . I’m fed up with my son taking but not giving . Yes the agency require a guarantee for my rent - however the only person who acknowledged the fact that my son does this for his MIL was @Smiles maybe nobody read the post properly. Yes that’s a slap in the face . To be prepared to assist his wife’s mother but not his own is a slap in the face . I understand the legal ramifications- I wouldn’t default on my rent . These things are assessed by computer not a person, so you need to meet a minimum threshold and that’s it . Doesn’t mean I can’t afford it , doesn’t mean I won’t pay it either , but there we are , his MIL gets the assistance whereas I don’t . I have offered up my savings and pension pot as a guarantee and the landlord is going for this . The whole agency business is worrying me a bit - they’re slow and today I find out more work is required on the house . It’s far from a done deal . I might take the flat - my furniture is now in storage until the exchange next week and I might leave it until the end of April to decide on this . I need to get things done in the flat before furniture goes in ( deep clean , new blinds curtains etc ) and I need to buy appliances. I’ll need to consider things over the next 3 weeks. By then , the plumbing should be sorted in the house . I’m worried about the location of the flat , it’s isolated and I really could do with my sons support . I know lots on here feel I should be self sufficient but to be isolated with no car is quite worrying. I’m too nervous to start driving again . I think otter99 said something about my son getting annoyed when I ask for something- well when my partner was alive , my son asked us for so many things ! We helped him , his wife ( then girlfriend) so often . Lifts , somewhere to stay , meals , money , plus lots of things I’ve forgotten about !! We were there for them both - practically and emotionally and it hurts me to be so alone these days . It’s me and my cat - that’s it ! I can depend on my cat . I always thought I could depend on my son , we were close but nowadays he doesn’t want to help his mum . I find this very sad . I will always maintain that help and support is a 2 way street and he’s had so much help and support not only off me , but off my family too . His poor attitude is disappointing. I never thought I’d end up on a forum for estrangement- just goes to show how little you really know about people in your life . So at the moment I’m feeling very destabilised. I feel like i don’t really belong . I realise I’m not literally homeless but I don’t have my own place which feels horrible. My partner would naturally have expected my son to be first con the queue when it came to making sure I was ok, however I find he’s nowhere to be seen . I’ve felt very angry with him lately , but now I just feel sorry for him . He’s a new father , with everything to look forward to and all he can do is channel his nastiness towards me . He’s not happy that much is clear but I’m no longer interested. He’s got to sort himself out I’m afraid

What you did for your son Ladysui is what we do as parents for our children, without thinking of being repaid, I’m afraid I agree with Otter. You are not listening. He is not responsible for your decisions or lifestyle choices.

Is there anyone who hasn't, in a moment of anger and sheer frustration thought about doing something and realised that it would be the wrong thing to do? I doubt it.

I wrote letters to our ES in anger and out of sheer frustration that I never sent, but I don't feel guilty for having written them and this thread is here so people can be honest about those moments, because they can't be honest with the person/people who are making them feel that way.

I agree that Ladysu's son isn't responsible for her decisions or lifestyle choices but she isn't responsible for his. Maybe she is asking for more than he can give, but she's not blaming him for whatever is wrong with her life.

He's 31 years of age, a married man with a son of his own and needs to take responsibility for his own life and stop using his mother as an emotional punch bag.

I'm sorry that nothing is settled with the house Ladysu but TBH it doesn't sound very positive so maybe despite your
understandable reservations, the flat maybe the safer option.

If you can hold off from making a decision until the end of the month, that does give time for the house to be made ready and more time for you to decide .

It's true, Ladysu's son has no right to abuse her verbally. She should put the phone down as soon as he starts.

I agree with Allsorts--these are the things we do for our children without thinking they must repay us.

An agreement to be a guarantor is a legal matter with teeth--far from a casual promise. If the person who actually rents the house cannot or will not make a payment because of the loss of work, illness, accident, mental illness, etc., the guarantor must pay the rent till the end of the rental agreement.

I did notice that Ladysu's son is the guarantor for his MIL's home. He has his own home to pay for, and if for any reason his MIL could not pay her rent he would be forced to pay it for her--even if that meant that he bankrupts himself, his wife, and his son, even if that meant he had to sell the house he's in.

Of course it's unlikely to come to that, but (as others here would probably agree) he should not have made that promise to his MIL unless he would be prepared to make two payments indefinitely. Agreeing to be Ladysu's guarantor as well would mean that, if the worst came to the worst, he would be legally forced to pay for THREE households. Agreeing to be his MIL's guarantor was foolish, in my opinion; agreeing to be Ladysu's, on top of that, would verge on insanity--no matter what he said when he was younger, when he may not have understood the legal ramifications of agreeing to be a guarantor.

Of course the worst is not likely to come to the worst; if he had agreed to be guarantor for both his MIL and LadySu presumably his MIL and LadySu would always be able to pay their rent in full every month. But we're talking about two ladies of (ahem) our age; none of us know for certain what the future holds, what medical bills we may rack up, and so on.

My own MIL developed Alzheimer's and, for a time, gave a check every day to a "charity worker" who stopped by her home daily; she didn't remember ever seeing him before, no matter how many times he rang the bell, and she gave him generous cheques daily. Luckily she could afford it; luckily one of her sons worked it out, took charge of her chequebook (she didn't even notice) and stopped payment for the last few cheques. Otherwise I have no idea how long it would have gone on or what kind of fix she would have ended up in. Agreeing to be a guarantor is a bad gamble for anyone, it seems to me, which is why so many here have said they would not do it, and would not ask it of their children.

I do wish I had a more cheerful message . . .

We didn't imagine my MIL could get Alzheimer's because she was no fool, so wise and capable and competent . . . and all that vanished, sadly.

Thank you for your concern. Getting the anti virals quickly and taking 2 on Thursday helped a lot . Even though had to go a round about way to get them . No appointments at my GP but did pop in on the off chance someone would just look and give me a prescription. But told to phone 111 when I got to the library I did. Text my craft what's app group to check everyone had had chickenpox and whether they didn't want me to come. But they all said come. Paramedic phoned me hour later and found me a prescribing pharmacy near my home. So went and pharmacist confirmed shingles but because of my HPX she had never heard of it couldn't give me the tablets so phoned my GP surgery and they said on call GP would phone me. Got a taxi home a regular driver must have looked bad as when he got out of the car as he has to lift my legs into the car . I perch on the seat sideways and he grabs the front of my trousers and puts my legs in and gets me out .
He came to the door of the pharmacy and took my arm . He pulled onto my drive and offered to walk me to my front door but it was only a few feet . So was ok.

GP phoned and prescribed the anti virals but wanted me to start them straight way. I had already text my daughter to tell her I had shingles and she got me them . Great thing about the leaflet which I always read tells you what time to take them so I could work my other tablets round them. 5 x 800mg tablets for a week. But glad to say they are working but I got them the day after I spotted the rash and by bedtime it was worse. Yesterday my 6 day headache finally went and part of the rash has gone. It's itchy but haven't scratched as on blood thinners and bleed a lot plus I didn't want scaring as it's on my chest . My pain levels are up but I have been taking tablets for nerve pain and other pain killers for a long time so think they have helped.

Advice on the Shingles thread to keep it dry so just flannel washes no shower but not going out all week. So if my hair looks awful no one will notice . My daughter is happy I decided to stay home as they are in France for the week but as usual checks up on me and the pictures she had sent me boys are having a ball.

I think I have been lucky and not suffered as others have just wish I wasn't so tired all the time . But me being me been sorting out cupboards and resting. I hate just seating still plus my joints seize up if I don't move about. Anyway lot to catch up on.

I once dashed from my old home as my son and future daughter in law suddenly realised they needed a guarantor for a flat they wanted to rent I never gave it a second thought about the implications of if they didn't pay. I hate doing things on the spur of the moment as it sets my anxiety off didn't know at the time that's what it was only after my diagnosis and describing how I react in certain circumstances was informed it was anxiety by my HPX group. Never knew I had it just thought I was weird. They didn't stay long as it was a ground floor flat and sewage flooded the bathroom. They never asked me again .

Ladysusiei they are messing you about the house . I know you say the housing association flat is isolated but at least you would have security in renting it. As the private landlord who owners the house could decide he wants to sell in 6-12 months which is why you moved out the first place. Plus if I remember right the house next door is empty and had been for a long time and will be a breeding ground for rats ,mice and various insects. Which could get into the house you want to rent.

I know it is the house your shared with your partner and his unexpected death and having to move out of the house to an suitable flat hasn't given you the space you need to grieve properly.

Plus your son running hot and cold. As others have said if he phones you and is abusive put the phone down . I understand you don't want to lose him but to be honest you already have. The way my son estranged me was via email and follow up letter . But it's a great relief not to put up with all the abuse you are putting up with. My son was cruel and cowardly and should have told me to my face I would never see him or my grandsons ever again. But last year I decided to let go of any hope of seeing him ever again. I did it for my own peace of mind . Plus I am no ones punching bag. I don't hate my son and daughter in law. But realised they have turned into my in laws who I hated for 40 years as they treated like my husband and us like crap. But even though I hated his mom for 40 years I couldn't turn my back on her nor did my children. I was brought up with a strong sense of family as I knew all my great aunts and uncles and 2nd cousins. We brought our children up the same way. But as adults we have to let our children go and find their own way in life they may not turn out how we would hope but it's their choice.

Getting rid of parents is easy and putting all the blame on us means they don't have to face the problems in their own lives. Cruel and cowardly. But their choice . But we also have a choice of how we deal with it. Since May 2020 I have text my son 3 times only. Once when I sold my husband's car reg and needed his bank details and he had the cheek to put thank you. If my husband hadn't left it between the children I would have kept the money. But I did what was right.Second time was when I finally had my diagnosis of what I was born with. Text him to tell him I was sending a letter and copy of my neurologists letter. Never heard a thing . Last year text to say hope they are all well and had abuse back so I am done. I had a kind and loving son for 32 years not ideal who he is know. Still love him but not a person I would want to know now. I treated my daughter in law as my own as her own family went back to where she was born when she was 18 but she lived here since she was 2. They took her brother and sister. She only had her half brother and an aunt,uncle and cousins which she wasn't close to so my family became hers. Apart from my daughter loved her. My daughter and her never got on from their first meeting. Down to my daughter in laws jealousy of my daughter.

I never liked my brother's second wife and my husband hated the sight of her but she was family and treated as such. But my brother only had to step into my parents or our house and she was on the phone wanting to know when he was coming home. She was always welcome at my parents and our house and invited to all extended family events but refused to go.

Luckily my brother's marriage ended after 22 years and after a few years met the love of his life the other half of himself and I love my sister in law very much and her dad is like a second dad to me. Unfortunately her sons have little to do with her not completely estranged but very distance which hurts her. But my nephew and nieces treat her with lots of love and seeing how happy she makes their dad they include her into every aspect of their lives something they don't do with their own mother as she is all herself but they have never abandoned her.

Estranged parents are always the villains it's never adult children's fault and they love playing the victim . That's why estranged parents get so much flak on other threads by those who estrange their parents . If there is physical and or sexual abuse than I can fully understand why they disown their parents.

This support thread gets a lot of flax because we are told time and time again we know why our children decide to estrange us and we are not believed when we say we don't. I will never understand why my son decided I am no longer his mom but it's a choice I have to live with . But I will not let it stop me living my life to the full. And I realise that's what my son and daughter in law hoped. Well they haven't got their way. I am happy and have a full life and intend to live it to the full but know one day my body wouldn't let me do everything I want as it doesn't know . So if I end up back in a wheelchair so be it but it wouldn't stop me . My husband wanted me to live the best life I can and I do . And that's what everyone has to do as none of know how long we will live . And no one wants to dead with what ifs or if only.

Back to my rambling self . 🤣

Ladysuie - I do understand your anger that your son is treating you differently from his MIL, but acting as guarantor is still not a good idea.

As we get older, we have no idea of our health needs, going forward. None of us know what any government will do with pensions/top up benefits, savings etc. We can never promise that we will always be in a position to do anything.

I really think you should think very carefully about giving up secure social housing for any private let.

Once you leave, it’s hard to get back. Social housing is thin on the ground.

Landlords can and do sell up, and you will have no say in it. Rents tend to rise faster, and be higher, than social housing (or, at least here, in a London suburb). My rent, for what I’ve got, would literally be double if I rented privately.

And, I’ve never needed to offer up anything, or find a guarantor.

Your son has made it clear that he can’t/won’t help you.

I do understand that you had happy years there with your late husband, but he’ll always be in your heart, wherever you live.

You said, previously, that some sort of sheltered housing would be a long term preference. You will find it much easier if you are already a social housing tenant to be slotted in.

If you need any adaptions, for physical health needs, social housing providers facilitate this - private landlords won’t.

You can drive - you could always have a few refresher lessons, and buy a little car, which will solve your isolation worries.

Like me, you are alone now - decisions need to be made using hard, cold logic, and thought through.

None of which detracts from your son’s poor behaviour, of course.

I don’t know why the (usually) happy time of a new baby has needed so much angst and drama.🤔

But, he is what he is, and you need to think with your head and not your heart about your own well-being.💐

@whiff glad you’re feeling a bit better! @Smiles yes exactly- I was sounding off on here about feeling very angry with my son , j still am . Yes , as parents we do plenty of things which don’t need to be repaid. Not all parents are created equally- actually I went over and above when my son was much younger, giving up my own home to get away from his abusive father . My parents partially funded this property but I was bullied out of it and gave up any future financial security for my son’s benefit and safety. I feel he should reciprocate now he is in an unenviable financial position, once again funded by my family- the very family he now chooses to ignore. Thankfully, my mother is no longer here to see this behaviour, she would be furious with him and he would not be continuing to do this I can assure you . My mum commanded respect, with just a raised eyebrow you knew you were in trouble. He has no respect for anyone and he is completely wrong blaming me for everything that’s wrong in his life . As DL pointed out , he should be happy right now . Why exactly has the birth of his child created all this angst and drama ? It’s beyond me . I don’t understand. I still will never change my stance that he should do more to help me - life is very complicated for everyone and he’s made certain promises in the past which he conveniently forgets now . I have had a telling off from my DIL so I now realise that she is pulling the strings here . Yes , he could grow a backbone , but at what cost ? His life already seems unbearable, if he did more for me I can only assume that this would make his position worse . I have every right to feel disappointed. He has let me down at a time when I’ve needed him .

So pleased you're feeling better and that it wasn't as bad as it could have been Whiff, but bad enough I'm sure.

I don't regard being wanted to be shown appreciation as being repaid. We teach our children to say 'please' and 'thank you' because it's good manners, something your son appears to have forgotten Ladysu by failing to even acknowledge his birthday present.

I don't agree that we should have expectations of being helped by someone because we've helped them, regardless of who they are, but I do understand how hurtful it can be when help is asked for and isn't forthcoming, even if the refusal is given politely, which is something else your son seems to be unable to do.

It's not always easy but DL is right, you need to be thinking with your head Ladysu especially when deciding whether to go for the flat or wait for the house, which in the long run may not be as a secure tenancy .

Ladysuisei I'm sorry for your pain.

I really hope you don't bring up leaving his abusive father as a sacrifice to him. My mother left my abusive father and used that as a guilt trip for the rest of our relationship. My mother's own father was verbally abusive to myself and my siblings and she made me feel guilty for having to kick him out over it. I was 10 when that happened.

The things you do to protect your children from abuse are not favors that must be paid back. When you have a child that is what you owe them. I understand you went through a lot but as a parent, that was your responsibility alone. You can't use it as a weapon.

After all I've read of your situation I now think no contact (at least temporarily) would be right for both of you. You seem unable to change your expectations, and he can't handle enforcing his boundaries in a mature way. Neither of you deserve the heartache from such a contentious relationship. He will not give you the support you want from him and the sooner you come to terms and stop asking, the better. If you can't accept what he's offering I see no way forward.

A relationship between two adults, related or not, needs to be agreeable to both of you. He will not help you. He won't give you rides. He won't help you move. He won't chat through the week. He is offering weekend social calls and visits.

All these negative feelings towards him surrounding his fathers abuse is not healthy for either of you. This is not the way to a happy life and I hope you don't allow it to continue for your own sake and his. You may not see that you are blaming him but you are.

It is not only your fault, but since I can't speak to him, this is my advice. Leave this poisonous relationship or find peace with what it is now. And lay off his wife, as your son is a grown man and can make a decision for himself.

@User hang on one moment- hang off his wife !! Am I now supposed to put up with abuse from her too ! I happen to love my DIL a lot but she hurt me with some very cruel words recently- sadly words she can’t take back , neither has she apologised. So it’s not a case of laying off her thank you !

As for my son’s abusive father . This was someone who I left well over 20 years ago and I do not use this as a weapon . I had to weigh up financial security ( insecurity) v ongoing violence towards ME which I saw potentially affecting him . I certainly don’t use this as a weapon against him - I think you ought to think twice before you press “ post “ because some of what you say is truly offensive. Don’t mind me if I ignore your recommendations to become estranged from my only child too . My expectations are completely valid considering what we shared before ie give and take . Why is it so wrong that he should give me a lift sometimes considering he’s got a car . He’s previously been happy to do this . I cannot drive any more and for person reasons which I refuse to discuss here , I find various public transport options are impossible.
Just because your mother used her domestic violence as a metaphorical stick to beat you with doesn’t mean I do the same ., so please do not much such suggestions. You clearly had a poor relationship with your mother . I’m going through a period of high stress with my son . This will be sorted out in the fullness of time because I don’t use such things over him .

@Smiles yes I’m trying to think clearly about the move . I’m highly concerned that the housing association won’t officially let me take my cat . She was bought for me on my 50th birthday by my partner and I cannot part with her . The house option means I can take her . I have to take her part time to the flat - this seems ridiculous. All she does is sleep on the bed or the sofa . I’m not leaving her behind .
I agree with what you say about the lack of acknowledgement of my son’s birthday gift . He happily accepted them but didn’t say thank you . I’ve never been treated like this before and it really upsets me actually.

I seem to remember that your cat wasn't going to be an issue Ladysu, that you'd been reassured about taking her with you.

@Smiles yes I’ve been given conflicting information. One person said yes no problem, the other one who filled out the paperwork said if I left her with dad I could look after her “ sometimes “ if dad wasn’t well etc or couldn’t cope . What on earth does “ sometimes “ mean ? That’s really thrown the cat amongst the pigeons 🤣🤣
I’m waiting for a call back about the house . If the house goes through with no guarantee required I’m going there - I’ve had enough. I’m living for the here and now . Previously, I’d have planned etc but losing my DP in the blink of an eye shows me that sometimes worrying about future events is totally pointless. I want to be happy now , with my cat S . Can you guess her name !!!

Ladysuisei

@User hang on one moment- hang off his wife !! Am I now supposed to put up with abuse from her too ! I happen to love my DIL a lot but she hurt me with some very cruel words recently- sadly words she can’t take back , neither has she apologised. So it’s not a case of laying off her thank you !

As for my son’s abusive father . This was someone who I left well over 20 years ago and I do not use this as a weapon . I had to weigh up financial security ( insecurity) v ongoing violence towards ME which I saw potentially affecting him . I certainly don’t use this as a weapon against him - I think you ought to think twice before you press “ post “ because some of what you say is truly offensive. Don’t mind me if I ignore your recommendations to become estranged from my only child too . My expectations are completely valid considering what we shared before ie give and take . Why is it so wrong that he should give me a lift sometimes considering he’s got a car . He’s previously been happy to do this . I cannot drive any more and for person reasons which I refuse to discuss here , I find various public transport options are impossible.
Just because your mother used her domestic violence as a metaphorical stick to beat you with doesn’t mean I do the same ., so please do not much such suggestions. You clearly had a poor relationship with your mother . I’m going through a period of high stress with my son . This will be sorted out in the fullness of time because I don’t use such things over him .

@Smiles yes I’m trying to think clearly about the move . I’m highly concerned that the housing association won’t officially let me take my cat . She was bought for me on my 50th birthday by my partner and I cannot part with her . The house option means I can take her . I have to take her part time to the flat - this seems ridiculous. All she does is sleep on the bed or the sofa . I’m not leaving her behind .
I agree with what you say about the lack of acknowledgement of my son’s birthday gift . He happily accepted them but didn’t say thank you . I’ve never been treated like this before and it really upsets me actually.

Ladysuie. Social housing landlords now have to allow pets in their housing. A small dog, or a cat. So I’d check this out.

To do with support or something.

www.therentersguide.co.uk/do-tenants-have-the-right-to-have-an-emotional-support-animal-in-their-rented-property/

Most on this thread are trying to help. Just ignore the others. 💐

@DL thank you for your kind support. Well , obviously it’s not a condition of the lease that the cat isn’t allowed because she wouldn’t be allowed to be there sometimes. I couldn’t believe when he told me this - how ridiculous! I think it’s more a case of placating other tenants , as opposed to having a real reason to decline pets per se . I’m taking her anyway if I go because if she’s allowed there sometimes and I do have this via 2 emails (!!) I don’t think they will get very far if they try to rely on a section 8 eviction. I mean if they’re struggling to evict a heroin addict in my current building I don’t think the court will make me homeless over a tiny cat !
Yes , normally this thread is so helpful and lovely . There’s just the odd one or 2 who need to be given a wide berth

@DL I read the article and it’s very helpful. I’m assuming he was served with a section 8 . I think , under these circumstances refusing to be bullied into submission is the last thing these housing associations expect. I would definitely have the support of my doctor and cpn in this type of case , but I’d happily challenge anyone myself these days .

Section 8 is only for rent arrears, and certain anti social stuff, so that wouldn’t succeed.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_after_a_section_8_notice

Section 21 is more general, but landlords have to justify it.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/eviction/eviction/renting-privately/if-you-get-a-section-21-notice/

No social landlord would go down that road over a cat.

Pleased you are improving Whiff, take care of yourself, I enjoy your rambles 👍

Thinking about it, I think all landlords have to allow pets unless they have very good reason not too but I understand Ladysu, I wouldn't want the worry of having to give up our beloved dogs.

Is she called Ladysusie by any chance? .

In a perfect world, if we needed lifts, help moving, errands run, and so on, our children would be both willing and available. But when we ask and hear "No!" again and again . . . well, it's hard and hurtful. But . . . even if we know we deserve their help . . . well, what can we do if all we hear is "NO!!!"? After a while, and with great regret, I'd stop asking, since even if I deserved help, 1. help isn't forthcoming, so asking is pointless, and 2. It just hurts to be turned down. I'd try to avoid asking just because I hate situations that leave me angry and spluttering.

This isn't an issue in my own life--my only child lives not just in a different country, but in a different hemisphere. We have local friends who would pitch in to help us if we were in need, but in general we have no choice but to be self-sufficient. Worse things could happen. LadySu, if you take the flat, perhaps the rent will be low enough so that you could occasionally take an Uber. Perhaps that's unrealistic, though.

Whiff, I'm very glad things are going as well as they are--I hope you feel much better soon.

I think asking for help has to also take into consideration what is going on in the other person’s life.

Example:

I was asked to pet sit for a weekend. At the time I was a single parent, and had four shifts between Friday and Sunday night. I couldn’t ask my sitter to watch a dog on top of babysitting, so said no. Much backlash happened, including, “I never ask anything of you…” etc. But short of cancelling my shifts (which I couldn’t afford) there was no way for me to do the favour.

Fast forward years, and I was asked by a different person to pet sit for a weekend. Again, I was working, but I was also married and my husband was willing to provide doggie daycare.

Same favour being asked, but my life circumstances were vastly different.

People can’t do what they can’t manage. A refusal isn’t a rejection of the relationship, but an inability to do the favour, for a myriad of reasons. Some may be obvious, some not.

Yes, there are people who are simply takers. But I don’t think they’re the majority.

I know my husband didn’t budge from my side when we brought home a new baby, unless it was required for work or grocery shopping. Wouldn’t matter who it was or what they wanted, he’d say no. Not because I asked him to, but because nobody was going to make him spend a moment away from his wife and baby that wasn’t mandatory. He had to travel for a mandatory training session when one of our babies was only ten days old and it almost broke him 🤣

Now? He helps anyone and everyone he can. Different seasons of life. He’ll drop and run because it’s possible.

For so many families, a day spent helping someone with yard work, moving, running errands means no time that day for the spouse and kids. Getting home in time to say goodnight, if you’re lucky. And when you work all week (as many, if not most parents do), spending the weekend with your spouse and kids is what gets you through the Monday to Friday grind. Not to mention all the life chores that get pushed to the weekend when both parents are working.

I don’t know if it’s simply the two parent working families, or different priorities or if schedules have gotten more filled since previous generations, but it seems like carving out time for friends and family seems to be getting harder instead of easier.

"For so many families, a day spent helping someone with yard work, moving, running errands means no time that day for the spouse and kids. Getting home in time to say goodnight, if you’re lucky. And when you work all week (as many, if not most parents do), spending the weekend with your spouse and kids is what gets you through the Monday to Friday grind. Not to mention all the life chores that get pushed to the weekend when both parents are working."

So true--and getting home to an exhausted partner who has been breastfeeding and handling things alone during one of those precious weekend days when you both hope to take care of the piled-up laundry, grocery shopping, getting things from a pharmacy, changing the sheets, cooking three meals, doing all the housecleaning etc. etc. etc. . . .

Maybe it's just me, but if I was newly postpartum and my partner went to run errands for someone else and left me to handle things alone for hours and hours I suspect I'd be fairly unpleasant once he got home. Being exhausted with an exhausted baby suffering from colic would just add to my sense of grievance. I wasn't at my cheerful, understanding best when my child was small.