The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

He is gorgeous Smileless, is that a cheese straw he is eating 😄?

I came to this site a few years ago because of estrangement. Some of the messages were so nasty and judgemental I soon left as I didn't know what gave anyone the rite to assume I must have been defective myself to find myself in such a situation.

Without beating around the bush I can just say that three years on my family relationships are much better than I thought they would ever be, and I know see my estranged granddaughter one day a week.

I can say no thanks to the lack of support I gained here. I did get some kind messages and some people even PM'd me but mostly I kept my own sense of self worth and stood my ground and now I would be happy to support anyone in the same boat, but only if they send me a private message!

Please be kind to stangers coming here seeking help.

No it's a Yak Cheese chew Bridie, sounds revolting but both of our dogs love them.

keepingquiet

I came to this site a few years ago because of estrangement. Some of the messages were so nasty and judgemental I soon left as I didn't know what gave anyone the rite to assume I must have been defective myself to find myself in such a situation.

Without beating around the bush I can just say that three years on my family relationships are much better than I thought they would ever be, and I know see my estranged granddaughter one day a week.

I can say no thanks to the lack of support I gained here. I did get some kind messages and some people even PM'd me but mostly I kept my own sense of self worth and stood my ground and now I would be happy to support anyone in the same boat, but only if they send me a private message!

Please be kind to stangers coming here seeking help.

I’ve received a lot of support here with SC, and their appalling behaviour, and other events.

Sorry you didn’t. 😗

So you did receive some support here keepingquiet when you were posting under another name. Yes, I think I remember you and we exchanged pm's.

I'm glad that you are now seeing your GD one day a week, but sorry that you felt the need to say that your improved circumstances were in no part due to the support you received here.

The vast majority of those who post here, do their best to support others despite their own estrangement situations, but what we offer wont be for everyone.

Unfortunately posts of this nature that are not specific can and do unsettle the thread, as know one knows who they are aimed at and that is not good for those seeking support, especially if they're thinking about posting for the first time. It can be very off putting especially as this is not relevant to this particular thread.

I hope your improved family situation continues.

Ah well, all I can say, is that with my often chaotic life, which has felt like herding kittens at times lol, and spousal bereavement, I’ve been glad of the support.🍾

And will continue to be so.🙂

keepingquiet - that’s harsh. The support I received from here was invaluable, during my ‘difficult’ time. I was never ‘judged’. I received very constructive advice and opinions, which helped rather than hindered my eventual reconciliation.
Glad things are going well for you.

That's good to know crazy .

and DL

I have posted here before about the relationship problems with my eldest dd. I have had some very kind and constructive comments so am reaching out again to you all.
I had thought the relationship was improving but still felt very anxious on contact with dd as she can become volatile and critical towards me. But like a lot of others in similar situations I have been treading on eggshells to maintain a relationship with my two gc.
She videotaped me from their holiday a few weeks ago. The children were full of tales of swimming and riding camels,my daughter was also chatty. I had their large fluffy house cat staying at my house whilst they were away.
On return she phoned me to say she was ill with a chesty cough and would pick cat up a week later.Seemed friendly on the phone but then a few days later on her birthday I received a horrible text saying that she needed space from me as I am unsupportive and unkind. Ironic that I had just sent her a birthday bouquet which wasn't mentioned.
I reminded her I was going away and she needs to collect the cat. She delayed this by another 2 days and thankfully my neighbours had been looking out for her. They have a key and fed the cat until she eventually collected him.
I am now away in Ireland staying with a friend feeling unwell. I have an autoimmune disease which always flares up when under stress.
I think space is a good idea as I cannot cope with her any longer.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Quotes a deleted post.

There are no trolls on this thread keepingquiet and I have reported your post to GNHQ requesting that it be deleted.

Hello Jaffacake, it does look from your post as if your relationship with your D hasn't improved; I am sorry to read this. I agree that space is needed here between you and your D because you really do need to take care of yourself.

I have never walked on eggshells and can only begin to imagine how stressful it must be doing so, in order to try and sustain your relationship with your D.

We say so many times on this thread that EP's and those fearing estrangement just can't do right for doing wrong, and you do seem to be in this unenviable position.

My advice FWIW is to ignore any horrible texts and think about pulling back, being less available. I understand that doing so will inevitably result in further horrible texts but ignore them, because you get them anyway and I think you need to take and feel, that you are taking control of your life, and not all allowing/enabling your D to have that control .

Just want to thank everyone for your kindness and understanding on here. I know sometimes it can get a bit heated - I guess that’s because it is a heart rending topic and all on here are emotionally invested and come at things from their own particular perspective. But my experience is that when I have needed a bit (or a lot!) of tlc this forum and the good folk on it have delivered. Genuinely sad if this hasn’t been the case for everyone, but surely it isn’t right to judge the whole forum on what a few individuals might post. For many it is their safe space. Great to hear news of reconciliations!

keepingquiet I don't remember you . If I was on the thread when you where you know I speak plainly and don't go it for all airy fairy words. I looked up what definition of Trolling . "Trolling is when someone posts or comments online to'bait' people which means deliberately provoking an argument or emotional reaction "

I got accused recently on a different thread by GNHQ of being a troll along with several others who like me had our posts deleted after the OP complained .I have never been a troll . For a start I had to look it up what it meant.

As you are a member of GN then you know who the nasty posters are and they seem to be bulletproof as they can say what the hell they like and get away with it time and time again . I have complained about them to no avail.

I am glad you get to see your granddaughter once a week as she must bring a lot of joy into your life.

But to criticise posters here is not fair or right. If you didn't like what someone said did you say so at the time ? I know I respond to what people say . You make it sound as if this thread which has been going 11 years is like a trail where you where judged and had no support.

This thread is all about support , understanding ,advice when people need and want it and most importantly friendship.

As I don't remember you I can't comment on what you wrote. There have been nasty posters on here but they don't last long and they tend NOT to be estranged parents and grandparents.

I wonder what prompted you to post was it to tell us about the good outcome that you see your granddaughter or to stir up trouble . And before you point the finger at me and say I am being nasty I am not just wondering why now ? Did you post under a different username ?

This thread supports more people than those that just post Smiles isn't the only one who gets PMs from people I do. And others here probably do to.

When my son estranged me in May 2020 it took me months of reading and sending Smiles PMs before I plucked up the courage to post openly and haven't shut up since.

The longevity of this threads proves how much it is needed and people feel safe here . I couldn't have got through the nearly 4 years without everyone here. I couldn't belief my son could be so cruel and cowardly. But last year I decided to send the last text only the third in all the time of our estrangement. The other 2 where to do with his dad's will and me finally having my diagnosis of my neurological condition. I had abuse back so I am done. I still love my son but the son I knew for 32 years not who he is now and will always love my 3 grandson's even thought I have never met or even know the name of the youngest one who was born after our estrangement.

Jaffacake I am sorry your daughter has done this . Sorry your health is suffering and hope your friend is looking after you and you can talk to them and having plenty of hugs as no doubt you have shed plenty of tears.
You must be totally bewildered why she has done a u turn . And giving her space is a good idea. You have to look after your own health first as with your autoimmune disease stress is the last thing you need. Until I was estranged I didn't realise physical health can effect your mental health and vise versa. My neurological condition effects my limbs and mobility but also has a knock on effect on all aspects of my life . I can choke on my own salvia 🤦. Hopefully this will make you smile . I have what is called a startle reflex . My neighbour dropped something heavy on Wednesday which startled me which makes my limbs stiffen and fall like a tree . I was carrying a mug of cranberry juice, the mug and juice went all over my pale grey carpet,side table into my sewing basket luckily missing my cross stitch as I toppled over the arm of my armchair stiff as a board . Within a a few minutes I could move again. Thank goodness for Dr Beckham and got all that stain out.

It was cruel of your daughter to send the happy holiday videos and do this to you. And not even thanking you for the flowers is just bad manners.

I hate the fact some many come here and like you spent time walking on egg shells . I know I am lucky I haven't had to do that during my estrangement. But did hold my tongue a lot over the years but only after my first grandson was born as before that didn't need to do it. Funny how I only just realised that. That beggars the question why did my son and daughter in law change just because they became parents? I was no threat as I lived over 100 miles away. It's only when I moved here that I was never invited to their home and my son came every week for 7 months with his 2 eldest. But my daughter in law never did . Last time I saw her was boxing day 2019 at my home. She sat and crocheted all day and only spoke to me if I asked a question.

Jaffacake thank you for making me realise this . Funny how I didn't twig to it before.

Sorry if I missed any recent posters out but glad you found this thread and you find you are not alone but understood ,advice if you want and need it , support always and friendship.

Smiles lovely pictures of your little man . He looks very happy and relaxed.

My life is back to normal this week . Sit fit was circuit training this week which is always fun and craft group yesterday. Counting down the days to my long awaited holiday. But taking things easy as I don't want to injure myself as I intend to enjoy myself. And have plenty of treats.

My brother can drive from the 29th and go swimming. Seeing the physio on the 2nd May. He sent me a picture of his scar it's healing very quickly. It's 12" long. But isn't in the pain he was before his operation.

Well rambled on as usual. Take care everyone. 🤗

Smiles thank you for this post. Once upon a time I had such good gnetters friends but in my opinion the relationships were all one sided and I’m tired of it all therefore I don’t consider them to be my friends anymore. Thankfully I have other friends not on gransnet who are true and loyal to me they are in fact genuine I’ve no need for any of my past gransnet friends I’m happy without them

Is there a concerted effort here to cause upset going on here ?
This has been and continues to be an amazingly supportive thread for those going through the torture of estrangement.
Sometimes people are offended by advice suggested, but different opinions are helpful.
Also as Whiff says, the thread has its share of thought speak posters who can be inclined to upset the thread.
It's a shame some have found it unhelpful, but for many many more it is a life saver.

Other threads can and do often have arguments. For some reason, a subject is posted about, and then a lot of “new”posters turn up to add fuel to fires.

There was a bizarre situation a few weeks ago, where very virtually every regular poster opposed a petition, but unknown posters still rocked up to try and insult everyone!🙄

So, we ended up with trolls shouting at their own toe nails, because no-one was disagreeing about not signing 🙄

But, the support thread doesn’t usually have too many problems.

If advice is sought, then advice is given from different posters, who look at it from different views, but it’s all given kindly, and no one has to take any advice.

I’ve certainly had huge support, particularly over the last year.

💐

Bonnybanko

Smiles thank you for this post. Once upon a time I had such good gnetters friends but in my opinion the relationships were all one sided and I’m tired of it all therefore I don’t consider them to be my friends anymore. Thankfully I have other friends not on gransnet who are true and loyal to me they are in fact genuine I’ve no need for any of my past gransnet friends I’m happy without them

You are happy with your non gransnetter friends which is good to hear. The people on this thread are happy with the support, constructive and helpful criticism and understanding that is provided. If they weren't they would leave. Which is up to each individual ofcourse.

You have made your choice which is great and is working for you! Others have made their choice and it works for them which is also great!

Morning everyone.

It's good to see posts of affirmation for this thread as a place for support for those whose life has been affected by estrangement. The fact that it has been here for 11 years speaks for itself, and I am not alone in knowing how many have been helped and supported over the years.

I hope not Bridie, but we know from time to time that that happens and on one occasion a couple of years ago, the thread was deleted and GNHQ asked us not to start another for several weeks, due to an unprecedented amount of nastiness, the majority of which came from 'new' posters.

I wonder what prompted you to post was it tell us about the good outcome that you see your granddaughter or to cause trouble, I found it odd too Whiff. We love to hear about reconciliation, especially as it doesn't happen very often, so I don't understand why there was a need to imply that this was in no part due to any support that had been found here. Why not just share the good news? .

Not really sure how to respond to that Bonny accept to say that it's good to know you do have friends who are genuine and loyal. I guess I'm lucky to have them here on GN and in the 'real world'.

They are lovely photo's aren't they Whiff; he's certainly photogenic isn't he.

It's a cold, grey and showery morning here again. I do wish the weather would improve. The forecast is a little better for the weekend so hopefully it will be OK while we are at the lodge.

Have a good day everyone.

Ah yes DL, the 'new' posters who often appear at the first sign of any discord and it always fascinates me how many are 'long term lurkers, who have never posted before' .

I have to say the few times I have posted as an EAC I have actually felt welcomed and included and am grateful for that. So not sure where all the grumpy people are popping up from. People who have a happy outcome yet still feel the need for negativity baffle me entirely