The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Joey seems fine, thank you DL, yes Disney is very expensive for everything. There is a flight being put on from Southend to Paris, so that would be the way to go next time, although I am not thinking of going again.

Lovely sunny day again, I sat in the garden yesterday afternoon, it was lovely

Ladysui, I re read a post of yours in which you said when your son was 11/12 you left an abusive relationship with his father to avoid harm to you. Your decision but it does not mean your son is in any way obliged to return any favours, you did it to protect yourself, I didn’t read your son was ill treated by his father. I know you can’t drive now but you need to sort out which form of transport you will use to avoid asking him to give lifts.He is already guarantor to his mil, she should not have asked him, then you ask him, it must seem he is trapped. Any money you gave him and 100k is a lot, I feel it’s best they make their own way and live within their means, but that’s just me, it was a gift not to be repayed. I wonder if you’ve forgotten how your life is turned upside down by a new baby, made worse by the new mother’s mental health problems, you wanted your families help but they don’t. He must have been through a lot prior to you leaving his father, he would have known what was going on and the atmosphere at a very vulnerable age when boys in particular need their father.
I only say this so that you look at things from his point of view, to avoid estrangement because you will miss him. If you won’t compromise, you should tell him that, however I think if you did the relationship would be over. I would not be told what I could or should do, however I was never put in that position, once you got married my parents never gave unasked for advice or asked for anything. I think we all depend to a certain extent on our partners, I know how lost I felt for ages when my husband died but had been used to coping on my own when he was so ill. You coped when you left your husband 20 years ago and you will after losing your partner, it just takes time. Do what you think right for you, be handy to shops etc, vital if you don’t drive and dislike public transport.

Morning everyone.

Hope everyone's OK and has something nice to look forward too this weekend.

Not a bad morning here, cloudy but pretty mild. We were a little upset when we took our little poodle back to the vet and were told that the heart murmur is still there and in all probability due to a leaking valve, as we were hoping it was because he'd been rather poorly when it was first detected.

No need to any action at this point and as he said, our little man doesn't know he has it and he's told us what to look out for that may be a sign that there's some deterioration. At least we managed to have the conversation without me in tears which I think were due to shock, as we of course had no idea there was anything wrong.

It's quite scary how much you love them, as I know you'll understand Yogin with little Joey. 'Little man' is one of the names we have for him and now we have another 'little mur man', not that he ever takes any notice most of the time when we call him; he's a little bugger .

I’ve read through a few of the replies and the theme does seem to be we need to rely on ourselves etc . I have always been part of a family unit that’s provided mutual help - that’s how my son was raised and I don’t understand his attitude change. I’m not bothering with him at the moment.
@Allsorts - I am shocked that you’ve implied that by leaving a violent marriage only benefits me ! Actually anyone on the receiving end of DV where there is a lot of police involvement too , knows the knock on effect to children is catastrophic. In fact I “ took one for the team “ so to speak many times . I didn’t actually specify whether my son’s dad became violent towards him did I ? Well , his aggressive behaviour was starting to be directed towards my boy . In public too . Once my ex was apprehended by a man who witnessed his aggression towards my son and tackled him about it - my ex threatened him ! He decided not to be further involved. Minor things like dragging my son along by his arm , swearing at him and other minor forms of violence might seem to be inconsequential to you but leaving the marriage ( including my home) certainly didn’t just benefit me . One day , my ex husband would have killed me ! We’re not talking about the occasional slap here , we’re talking about major acts of violence which no boy should witness. I didn’t want my son ending up with the same behaviours as his father. Unfortunately his lack of respect for me seems to have rubbed off - maybe I should have stayed and allowed the violent behaviour to escalate into hitting my son then beating him . Also , it’s quite difficult functioning as a mother when you are laid up with injuries. Never to the face of course.
Goodness - I thought we were offering friendship here , not this type of personal attack.
I’m taking a break . This is getting too much .

Morning everyone, although it will be afternoon when you read this.

Although you'd previously briefly mentioned your marriage Ladysu I had no idea how bad the abuse was that you endured at the hands of your ex husband .

It would have taken a great deal of courage to leave him and your home, to start afresh with your son. and of course you did exactly the right thing.

Even if he hadn't started to become aggressive with him, your son would have been aware of the volatile situation at home. Regardless of how well you'd have tried to shield him, children do pick up on these things and unfortunately can begin to mimic behaviours witnessed when they get older.

You could be right about your son's lack of respect being a bi product of his father's.

You say that you're not bothering with him at the moment and although I understand you'll be finding this challenging, I'm glad that you're leaving him be; better for him and for you as things stand.

I hope you'll see this post. I'm sorry you feel the need to take a break from this thread for a while but know that we are here for you should you need us .

I hope you're further on with your moving plans and have been able to make a final decision as to where you'll be moving too.

It's a lovely day here today, not too chilly and some welcome sunshine. Our choir's anthem went well this morning despite the lack of time to practice. Only one member knew it prior to Thursday . I think that spending just 5 minutes at the end of Thursday's practice to familiarise ourselves with up coming anthems would be a good idea, and might suggest this.

Had a bad night with little sleep last night and if it's going to happen, it's always on a Saturday when I need to be up early for church, so will see if I can catch up a little this afternoon. No particular reason, just didn't seem to be able to 'switch off' and of course, when the alarm went off, all I wanted to do and could have easily done, was sleep .

Ladysuisei

I’ve read through a few of the replies and the theme does seem to be we need to rely on ourselves etc . I have always been part of a family unit that’s provided mutual help - that’s how my son was raised and I don’t understand his attitude change. I’m not bothering with him at the moment.
@Allsorts - I am shocked that you’ve implied that by leaving a violent marriage only benefits me ! Actually anyone on the receiving end of DV where there is a lot of police involvement too , knows the knock on effect to children is catastrophic. In fact I “ took one for the team “ so to speak many times . I didn’t actually specify whether my son’s dad became violent towards him did I ? Well , his aggressive behaviour was starting to be directed towards my boy . In public too . Once my ex was apprehended by a man who witnessed his aggression towards my son and tackled him about it - my ex threatened him ! He decided not to be further involved. Minor things like dragging my son along by his arm , swearing at him and other minor forms of violence might seem to be inconsequential to you but leaving the marriage ( including my home) certainly didn’t just benefit me . One day , my ex husband would have killed me ! We’re not talking about the occasional slap here , we’re talking about major acts of violence which no boy should witness. I didn’t want my son ending up with the same behaviours as his father. Unfortunately his lack of respect for me seems to have rubbed off - maybe I should have stayed and allowed the violent behaviour to escalate into hitting my son then beating him . Also , it’s quite difficult functioning as a mother when you are laid up with injuries. Never to the face of course.
Goodness - I thought we were offering friendship here , not this type of personal attack.
I’m taking a break . This is getting too much .

Whooah! Please don’t get upset. My first marriage lasted 30 years. No physical abuse, but I left it, because it was over, and then got together with DH (the love of my life). The kids (adult by then) were startled (to say the least). But they were old enough to take a neutral stance. They both had their own lives by then.

No one should ever stay with anyone that is physically abuse. It harms the “victim” and it harms the kids.

But, having said that, you and I have both been widowed relatively recently - we do both need to stand alone and make our own decisions.

We do, in the end, regardless of parental relationships, need to make our own decisions, and I know how difficult that is.

No one is attacking you - spousal bereavement is just what it is.

We cannot lean too heavily on our ACs, because it’s not fair on them.

Having said that, ACs should show respect and consideration towards their parents, Many don’t, unhappily.

As your son has made his feeling clear, you need to just plough on with your life, making it as good as possible. 💐

Ladysui, you have misinterpreted what I said, I did say your son would pick up on the unhappiness and violence in the marriage, so naturally if you leave to avoid a brute of a husband your son would go with you and cause upset, it has to and that would have an effect on him. It is very rare for lots of children not to be adversely affected by their parents breaking up. It is not inconsequential to me, that is insulting. You have twisted my post. But carry on as you are. . I was divorced with two children and had to get on with it as we all do, it’s not the children’s fault, I don’t have to explain to you. You just carry on as you are.

Ladysui, I agree with Allsorts: you've misinterpreted her. I also want to say that even in families that provide mutual help, there are times when people are simply too busy and too exhausted to provide help to others in their family. The first year of a baby's life is one of those times: new parents almost always find it difficult to find the time and energy to help other family members. You yourself have said that when your son was small your family was very happy to help you out, which suggests that you know you needed help and they were happy to give it.

Perhaps you have offered to help your son and DIL out in some ways; I hope so. Grandmothers sometimes help to clean, do the washing-up or do laundry, gtandmothers who can't travel sometimes arrange for food to be delivered, and do other practical things for new parents. On the other hand, you seem to expect them to go over and above for you at a time most young parents find overwhelming, wonderful and exhausting. Your son is taking care of your DIL, and it sounds like she can use the support; they are both taking care of a helpless child--someone utterly dependent upon them. They sound like they're just tapped out--there's no extra energy there.

What I'm reading from the widows on here is that they soon realized, despite their grief, despite feeling that the floor had just dropped out of their lives, that they are in fact capable and self-sufficient; yes, lifts and offers of help might have been nice, but lifts and offers to help move weren't REQUIRED--and they managed to get along without them. I think that they are trying to encourage you to see yourself as a calm, capable woman who can solve her own problems. That's a pretty reasonable goal, it seems to me.

Allsorts

Ladysui, you have misinterpreted what I said, I did say your son would pick up on the unhappiness and violence in the marriage, so naturally if you leave to avoid a brute of a husband your son would go with you and cause upset, it has to and that would have an effect on him. It is very rare for lots of children not to be adversely affected by their parents breaking up. It is not inconsequential to me, that is insulting. You have twisted my post. But carry on as you are. . I was divorced with two children and had to get on with it as we all do, it’s not the children’s fault, I don’t have to explain to you. You just carry on as you are.

I could also see that you were encouraging Ladysui to consider her son’s feelings/perspectives/needs which, unfortunately, for whatever reason, she does not appear able to do at the moment.

Ladysusiei Allsorts wasn't attacking you for leaving a violent and abusive husband but saying it has had an impact on your son . Children from an early age pick up on what's going on between their parents even though they may not understand at the time. It was brave of you to walk away from such a marriage . Even today woman are to frightened to walk away from their abusive husbands and leave their home and financial security.

Your son may be thinking back to his childhood and remembering fragments but not able to ready believe that you saved him and he may feel guilty he didn't protect you from his dad. It doesn't matter how old he was when you left but children do notice what goes on.

This isn't anything like your situation. But an example of children noticing what goes on. We where in a shop and I was walking using my stick our daughter was 5 and "said mommy that man is looking at you as if you have no brains ". My walking was and is still bad but at that time I was having limbs jerks as well. It broke my heart to think my 5 year old was so aware of how others saw me when I walked . This was in 1989. When in my wheelchair I was invisible to people . But it gave not just my family but extended family a new understanding of how children see things they just can't process at the time . My daughter now remembers and talks about those early years and remembers all the times I was in hospital and how it effected not just her but my husband. Our son is 4 years younger so he remembers things differently. That's when he talked to me prior to May 2020.

Every time I was in my hospital our daughter started off in her bed but when my husband went to bed he found her in ours. As she didn't want daddy to be alone. She stopped doing it once she was 9. But then told me daddy was like a bear with a sore head. She had heard my mom say to my dad X was like a bear with a sore when Z was in hospital. Children do notice more than you think .

My son and son in law have the same first name when my daughter's eldest was 4 I mentioned my son by name . My daughter asked me not to say his name as my grandson thought I was talking about his dad. So since then I have never talked about him at all to my daughter as she knows how much he has hurt me.

My grandsons don't know they have another aunt and uncle or 3 cousins.

When I talk about when my daughter was a child I only tell the boys what their mom did . I have a picture on my mantle piece of my husband they both know that's their mommies daddy and my husband but to young to understand he's dead . But to them he is grandad. I have photos of them and their parents plus the last photo I had of my son's to eldest they where 4 and 2 when it was taken in April 2020. My grandson asked me who the boys where last year I told him their names and told him I knew them . He asked if I played with them I said no I don't see them. He hasn't asked since. I also have 8 photos of them in my bedroom in a frame as they are my grandsons . I know they don't look like that now but I can't ignore they exist. All 5 of my grandsons are close in age my daughters are 6 and 3 my sons 7,5 and 3. So seeing my daughter's boys I imagine what my other grandsons are like. But it doesn't make me sad just angry at my son and daughter in law that they are not giving my grandsons a choice as young as they are if they want to know me or not.
They only know one nanny and that's because she lives with them . Was supposed to be a temporary arrangement when her marriage broke up but this will be the 9th year. It makes me so angry that she doesn't stand in her own to feet . She should be living in her own . Their house isn't big enough for 3 adults,3 children and 3 dogs. What makes me so mad my 3 grandson's have to share a double bedroom. All the bedrooms in their house are doubles. She is capable to look after herself. When my son and daughter in law both worked she looked after our grandsons but never did any housework. As when I visited I could see and when I needed the loo had to clean it and the hand basin before use.

I stayed with my daughter, son in law and grandson for 4 weeks in their old house while had building work done in my bungalow over 3 years ago . But I did housework and ironing for them because I couldn't not. My daughter wouldn't take house keeping money off me so I knew where they kept cash and put £50 on the bottom . After the work was done and was home few weeks later found the £50 hidden behind my clock . She said they didn't need paying and that was the end of the subject.

Children are like sponges and absorb everything going on around them even if they don't understand. Once you do a thing with a child they remember and soon tell you if you aren't doing it the same way.

Yogin glad Joey is back to normal . Sorry Smiles about your dogs heart murmur. Pets especially dogs are better than family as they never let you done and are loyal to you forever. They do pick up on your mood and health. I know with my brother and sister in law's dog knows if my sister in laws MS is worse as she is content to stay by her side and not needing to play all the time . I only see them usually twice a year but she gets excited to see me . That's why I have to greet her outside as she always does a wee before lieing on her back for her tummy to be stroked Aggie not my sister in law 😁.

My week back to normal sit fit today and craft Thursday. It's circuit training today I text my instructor yesterday what we where doing so will take my 500g hand weights as she has 1&2 kg ones but to heavy for me and some others . So taking mine gives people a choice.

I haven't ignore others but only got time to write this . But I will be back 😄.

Oh Smiles sorry to hear that about your 'little man' but don't worry it doesn't sound serious. Just thinking of my mum who had an irregular heart beat which was classed as normal for her, so I think, especially as the vet didn't prescript any meds, it's nothing to concern yourself with.

Rotten day today!

Sorry you're upset ladysu and I second Smiles last post to you at 12.17 xx

Thanks Yogin, I'm over the shock now and you're right, it's a good sign that the vet didn't recommend any medication.

He's just the same, running up and down the stairs last night after his ball and managing to distract his 'sister' so he can get hold of the chew she's chewing, even though there's another one just the same .

Smiles glad he is normal self. Hope the pair of them don't do what Aggie tries to do too me and put a very soggy ball into my mouth. Perhaps it's her way of telling me to stop talking 🤣.

Yuk!!! No, thank goodness Whiff a soggy ball in the hand is bad enough.

Good morning all. It was lovely having a few warm and sunny days down here, it we’re back to normal now with rain, cloud and hailstones..aargh! 🙄

Hope everyone (and assorted dogs!)🐶 🐶 are all well x💐

Morning everyone.

It was lovely to wake up to blue skies and sunshine this morning after yesterday's cold, very wet and windy weather. So hard to keep your spirits up when the weather's miserable.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who has just finished a book she's written for her EGC. She's now looking for someone to design a cover because she wants it to look like a 'proper' book and will need several copies, one for each of her EGC.

She's included some information about her parents, their GGP's and talked about her life, things that she's done, places that she's visited and her love of music and literature.

She's told them about the hopes and dreams she has for their future and has imagined questions about life in general they might have asked her and given her answers.

There's no mention of her EAC or the estrangement because she simply wanted to leave her EGC something that would enable them to know her, when she's no longer here and, if they were to contact her when older which she thinks very unlikely, she could give them the book then.

It's got me thinking about writing something too. She said she's found the experience very cathartic because she wasn't prepared "to go quietly into the night", without ever giving her EGC a chance to know who she was and what she was like if they wanted too.

Smiles does your friend live near a college that does art..As a student might design a cover for her. There is a thing called AI painting using a computer which you can print off. No nothing else about it. Or she could use stencils depending on what she wants the cover to have on it. Another idea is adult colouring books . There may be a design in one that she would like.

Another idea if she wants to use old family photos she could scan them into a computer and position them as she likes and then print it off.

Just a thought. Sunny here today . Went to sit fit Monday it was circuit training which is always fun. Making marmalade cake to take to craft tomorrow in a few minutes. Already made a mushroom, gnocchi bake to freeze so I will have a dinner just to reheat when I come back from my hols. My daughter will get it out the day before and put it in the fridge to defrost.

Anyway off to make my cake . Have a good day everyone.

Good suggestions Whiff, thank you I'll pass them on .

Vista print will do a hard back book with photos and words. Another possibility?

Oooh that's interesting Madgran; thanks for that .

The books are lovely and you can choose cover colour and everything 🙂

My DD has bought some of them, to get rid of the bulky old albums. She has a lovely one done in memory of DH.🙂

Nice to keep.🙂

Sounds great DL

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My little man