The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Ladysui, glad you’re sticking to your decision to let your son have time out, he will be back when things are sorted. You’ve moved and sorted problems out very well without him, I akwats think of people with their only child abroad and no partner as a friend of mine is, they do everything for themselves.
I went next day to collect my dh ashes, I hated to think of them on a shelf. I kept them about 2 years not wanting them to go, but I did, scattered where he wanted. Everyone’s different, dealing with loss. I think I’ve always had to cope since I was 19, I learned pretty quick, no one’s coming, it’s down to me.
Parenthood is not easy but it’s the best job in the world, when a child bins you it feels as if your world is broken, somehow in our own way we cope. A lot of adult children once they fly the nest keep on flying.

Ladysu Well done you. It must be lovely to be back in your previous home, all done up & looking smart, and well done with how you are handling your son now. It is true that when you have a new born baby and especially if it's the first one, you have time for nothing else, so give it time and you'll start to get some regular visits again. for your new home xx

Hi all.
I am back home from my 2 week stay in a safe haven on the northern coast of Ireland staying with my best friend who lives there. During that time I had no contact from my daughter. My friend text her to say could she sort things out with me as it is affecting me badly. Her reply was " she needs space from me and that I need to reflect on my behaviour " I have no idea what I have done wrong.
I sent postcards to the GC s of the island I had taken them to last year to see the puffins and seals. I don't want them to think I have rejected them.
Now I am back home and do not know how to proceed.
Next week will be gds birthday and I have booked expensive theatre tickets to take her to see a musical. Not sure if I will be allowed to do this.
My health isn't great. I am waiting for an appointment to see neurologist as have reduced feeling in my right foot which means I cannot drive .
My friend wants me to relocate to Ireland. It is very tempting just to give up on the relationship with my daughter as it is very painful to see it deteriorate . But my other daughter and her husband are supportive although live 200 miles away. She has no contact with her sister as she considers her to be toxic lacking empathy.
What do I do now ?

A very happy birthday today to a very special person on here. I don’t know why but I’ve been a day behind all month so thought 29th was tomorrow. Once again very happy birthday xx💐👯🎉

Have you discussed the possibility of relocating to Ireland with your other D Jaffacake. It might be a good idea to see if she has any thoughts.

You wouldn't be giving up on your relationship with her sister. Ireland's not that far away and you need to be thinking about what will be best for you in the long term.

You may of course decide it isn't for you but there's no harm in talking it over with your other D and giving it some thought.

Jaffacake glad you had a good time with your friend in Ireland. Tomorrow it will be 4 years since I last saw or spoke to my son . It's my birthday. 4 days later he sent me and his sister an email cutting ties completely with my daughter. But things hadn't been right between them for years due to my daughter in law. They never liked eachother from when they met.

In the email he said he didn't like me but loved me and to give him some months. So I waited until it was his and second sons birthday in August 2020 and knew my new grandson would have been born. I hadn't heard from my son after the email not even to tell me when my grandson had been born or his name .

When my son dumped me he knew I was waiting for further tests on my heart . So I sent 3 presents and a birth card, plus birthday card for my grandson and card for my son with a cheque inside a friendly letter no mention of the email or seeing them. But told him the results of my test which had found I was born with a hole in my heart. And saying how the cheque was to be split and some for my oldest grandson as I always buy for siblings when a new baby is born.
The day after their birthday everything came back all unopened and the babies presents crushed luckily they where soft. But they look like someone had a hissy fit and crushed then with their hands. Luckily my daughter and grandson was here. My son put in a hand written letter" I don't want your vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near me or my family ever again . Zero contact." And that was it.
I have only text him 3 times since. My husband had a car number which he left to the children in his will so I always kept the paperwork. So in 2021 I sold it . My brother emailed my son for his bank details he ignored my brother which pissed me off so I text him on the Monday morning at 4am as he would be at work told him if I didn't have his bank details by 6pm he lost the money. 9.30 he text me his details and put thank you. Which upset me. But I transferred the money straight away. The second time was when I had my diagnosis of my neurological condition which I was born with in 2022 and told him I was sending a copy of my neurologists report and how to get tested if he wanted . I heard nothing. Last autumn I decided to try I last time . If I got silence or abuse I am done . No more letting him hurt me. I had abuse so I am done.

I will always love him but the son I knew for 32 years not who he is now. I will always love my 3 grandson's. I have given the youngest a name as it hurts to much to think of him without one. I haven't seen his to eldest since they where 4 and 2. The boys are now 7,5&3.

But my husband dieing hurts me more than what my son and daughter in law have done.

You have to decide how much you will take being treated badly by your daughter. I would hate you to send your granddaughter a present and have it returned like mine was. I don't know how old your grandchildren are . If they are old enough to open their own post it might be worth sending but if they aren't then be careful.

You say your other daughter doesn't have anything to do with her but she and her family are very supportive which is lovely. Have you talked to her about your friend wanting you to move to Ireland.

We all have to decide how much crap we will take from our children. We are not their punching bags . You like me are lucky enough to have a daughter who loves us and cares about us.

You have a lot of thinking to do and it's not easy and it's very upsetting but you have to decide what you want for you. If that's a new life in Ireland grab it your daughter and family will support you . And you have to let go of your estranged daughter and your grand children.
No idea if this has helped you or just confused you more.

Allsorts it's tomorrow. I will be a pensioner. You are very special as well.

Had a good time at my daughter's yesterday they had put up happy birthday bunting and saw my son in law which was lovely as he was off on his travels again. My grandsons choose a caterpillar chocolate cake for my birthday cake. Had a lovely dinner and play time with the boys . Will be seeing them the weekend as well.

Thank you for your replies. Yes I am seriously considering moving to Ireland,have had enough of her abusive behaviour. My mental and physical health has taken a battering over last year due to daughters volatile fluctuating behaviour. There's only so much I can cope with and think I have reached that limit.
Happy birthday Whiff ! Caterpillar cakes are fun. I usually have one as there is a gluten and nut free one,due to my food allergies.

🎉💐Happy Birthday🍾💫 Whiff

Happy Happy Birthday Whiff 🎂💐🎶 I hope you have a lovely day.

Thank you I am a pensioner . My first thought was of my husband as he would take the Micky out of me. But at least I made it . Thank you all for getting me through the last 4 years as today is bitter sweet as it was the last time I saw my son and spoke to him 4 years ago today. But looking forward to my holiday next week. And I am meeting a GNer from another thread . She wants to met me as she lives near Berwick upon Tweed so that is something to look forward to.

Just having a quite day apart from phoning the pension credit people at 8 that will be fun.

Take care everyone.

Jaffacake I hope you do move to Ireland as we spent many holidays there and that was our plan once my husband retired at 60 . To buy a home in the south east coast of Ireland. And a piece of land to build our dream home and the rent out the other house. But if he had lived we wouldn't have done that but still buy a house and spent half a year there and here . And doing air b &b. As a pension plan.

Smileless2012

Have you discussed the possibility of relocating to Ireland with your other D Jaffacake. It might be a good idea to see if she has any thoughts.

You wouldn't be giving up on your relationship with her sister. Ireland's not that far away and you need to be thinking about what will be best for you in the long term.

You may of course decide it isn't for you but there's no harm in talking it over with your other D and giving it some thought.

Jaffacake very good reply from Smiles and I second all she has said. Ireland is lovely and not far away. Good luck x

Whiff
HAPPY BIRTHDAY

'Happy Birthday Whiff' xx

It's good that you're giving a move to Ireland some serious consideration Jaffacake. We have our lives to live and need to make the best of what we do have.

Moving to Ireland wouldn't be severing your relationship, you can stay in touch easily enough if your D wants too, but at least you can be in control. Ending 'phone calls that become abusive and ignoring upsetting messages.

Singing lesson went well this morning and I sang 'Barcarolle' with my teacher V for the first time; she sang soprano and I sang mezzo soprano. It went very well, in fact despite me needing to do a lot of work on the piece she wants us to sing the duet at the next concert!!! .

So, watch this space

Jaffa, I think you should live where you are happy regardless of your daughter, you will get to see each other wherever you live if she wants to see you will, don’t waste your time worrying about her moods.

Hi, hope everyone is well.

I found last week difficult, first anniversary, so stayed under the radar.

Added to which, there was a real issue with manholes blocked, sewage backing up etc where I am. I really had to find my fighting MoJo again (as DH would have said, I gave it some welly), threatened everyone with social media complaints and photos, and suddenly it was fixed…🤐

Two days before the anniversary, my ex decided he was coming up to London to see DD. I offered to pay his ULEZ if he picked me up and then dropped me off as he literally has to pass my door,

I don’t know what went wrong, we’ve been having a happy and weekly laugh (by phone) since Christmas.

My ex was what he’d always been, no strife, but the minute he came into the home DH and I built, I was uncomfortable and out of sorts. Down to me, and I’ve got no idea why I felt like I did. Weird.

But, I politely counted down the minutes until I could shuffle the pair of us over to DD.

But, it threw me off kilter. And stressed me out all week.

I don’t think I’ll ever really get the hang of all this.😗

Ah well, all a learning curve I guess.🙄

I think I can understand why DL.

It's the first anniversary of your DH's death and your ex came into the home that you and he built together, and where all those wonderful memories were made.

I'm assuming that this was the first time he'd been there, so it was bound to throw you 'off kilter'.

I'm so sorry you've been stressed out by this and I hope you're feeling a little better about it now and a BIG (((hug))) x

Happy birthday from me too Whiff! The cake sounds lovely x

Well done on your singing Smiles

DL yes, your reaction to your ex being in your & DH home is understandable, maybe your DH was sitting on your shoulder saying really!. Next time, if there is one, ask ex to just sit in his car and be ready to just jump in and go.

Thanks, Yogin and Smiles…i think it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Two days before the first anniversary wasn’t the best of days anyway.

I am learning as I go, but sometimes I judge it wrong. It wasn’t really the fault of my ex (he’s what he always was), but the comparison with DH just whacked me. But, then, that was why I loved DH and left ex, I suppose.

Ah well, I’ll get it right in the end lol 🙄

Hope everyone is well, and happy birthday Whiff.🎂🎂

I still haven't heard from my eldest daughter since returning from Ireland. I sent her a message to ask after the gcs and whether they received postcards I sent. No reply.
This evening she has text my friend in Ireland to say she wants to phone him this evening after kids have gone to bed. He's replied that he is out tonight playing bowls but will talk to her tomorrow evening.
Now wondering what she is up to ?
He is not happy with her behaviour towards me but doesn't want to be confrontational to make situation worse. I don't think it can get any worse.
Last year we had booked a caravaning holiday to go with her and the gcs to a seaside resort for this summer. Don't know if that is going to happen.
This is literally doing my head in. The constant anxiety is awful.

Hi - I’ve listened to such a lot of advice on here and I have done a lot of soul searching. I believe that , for me , no matter how badly my son has been towards me lately there must be a good reason for it . I’m giving him space . I’ve heard you !
On the 30th of May I have an appointment to redo my will - I have decided to leave everything I have at the point of my death to my son . I couldn’t bear to think that he might think I don’t love him . This might seem contentious but I simply cannot cut my son out of my life . It doesn’t feel right . I’m leaving some specific legacies to others obviously, but no matter what has been going on in my son’s life recently it doesn’t feel right to simply cut him out . The reason why I’m saying this is that I’m not acting in haste , I’m acknowledging the fact that I gave birth to this boy and I want him to know I’ll always love him . My dad ( for his own reasons) is removing him from his will , but I cannot be vindictive and mean . As I write this I am weeping. I hope in time our relationship will be fully restored. I’m not comfortable with cutting my son out .
I’m in my new house without his help . I believe that there’s a good reason for him not wanting to help me . It’s been exhausting and stressful but I’ve done it .
I would urge anyone who is in my situation to take a step back and maybe think there’s something going on in our children’s lives that we might not understand and never will . By cutting our AC out of the ultimate legacy which is whatever we possess at the time of our death might cause irreparable damage. I don’t want to patronise anyone on here , but , for me I want to give my son the benefit of the doubt. I know there’s something wrong- his behaviour is out of character, he doesn’t want to estrange me . I still love him . I will be leaving my DIL the contents of my jewellery box , which is a lot ! She is behind whatever is happening but I love her too and I forgive her . Gosh , that sounds like a Whiff ramble doesn’t it . Whiff - happy birthday and congratulations on being a pensioner !!
I have been drinking wine in celebration of my decision- I feel so much better for doing this . My decision is considered and based on the fact I still have contact with my boy . He will always be my son , no matter what .
I hope I haven’t offended anyone, but , for me this is the right decision. I’ve messaged my son telling him I love him and my will is going to be in his favour . I’ll be speaking to him on Saturday as normal and I hope the conversation is a good one .
Now I’m going off to have a proper cry - I’m worried about my son . His behaviour is out of character. My behaviour is considered .
Take care everyone.
This move has been bloody stressful!!!

We all have to leave our money to who we think best. My will is split equally between my two ACs, but they have always treated me with love and respect.

They’ve had problems in life, but they talk to me about them, instead of taking it out on me.

If that changed, then I’d probably leave money to my GCs instead. I’m not willing to reward bad behaviour.🤷‍♀️

That’s just me.😉

No one on here knows what may or may not be wrong with your son.

Also, take into account, if you have care needs, going forward, there may not be much to leave anyone. As with me.

But, as I say, we all have to decide, with wills, what’s best for us.

Your Dad has also reached his own decision.

Ladysusiei I cut my son out of my will and I am not vindictive. When he was a child and naughty there where consequences for he's actions. Please do not assume I am vindictive by doing it. I thought long and hard before I did it. Bad behaviour in my book is not rewarded . Good on your dad for changing his.

I will always love my son but the son I had for 32 years no idea who he is now.

Before the estrangement both my children said they didn't want any inheritance I said well there will only be a property as there won't be much cash. But it's a mote point if I have to go into a home my bungalow will have to be sold for my care.

I am very anger you think that cutting an estranged child from your will is vindictive. My son called me vindictive and manipulative. He needs to look at his own behaviour and that of his wife.

My daughter is sole beneficiary and executor . She and my son in law are my attorney's for both powers of attorney.

Your will will be as you want it but do not blame people like me who do not reward bad behaviour. It's was 4 years on Tuesday since I last saw and spoke to my son on my birthday 4 years ago. But my son was cruel and cowardly sending the email. He wasn't brought up to be like that. Unfortunately he has become that but it does make me wonder how long he had been planning to cut me and all our side out of their lives.

But I am done letting him hurt me . He is a stranger to me now . My daughter in law killed the love I had for her after what she wrote about my husband. I love the son I had and will always love my grandsons . I don't hate either of them . Only ever hated 2 people they where my in laws but even thought I hated my mother in law for 40 years I looked after her for 11 years after my husband died even though she denied she hadn't a son or 2 grandchildren.

She promised my husband when he was terminal she would leave her estate between her grandchildren. And she did make a will to that effect as she wanted me to go with her. But on her death found she had changed it and spilt it 3 ways and her brother had a share . So she lied to her dieing son. Who does that ? She hadn't got the excuse of having dementia.

You say you hope you haven't offended anyone. It's your will you do want you want but I stand by my decision and even if my son wanted to see me I will never alter my will.

Well, as you know Whiff, my late husband did the same.

Vindictive was the last thing he was. He was loving, kind and generous. We’d supported his ghastly kids in all sorts of ways, but enough was enough, with their behaviour, in the end.

He changed his will and left everything to me and my kids.

He knew I’d have done the same if it had been my ACs, I still would.

Love and support works both ways - I’m not being trampled over, just to see the trampler benefit financially from me.

If I’m vindictive, then so be it. 😉