The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Bumping

Afternoon everyone.

There's nothing contentious about your decision Ladysu, it's yours to make and despite your relationship with your son being difficult, you are thankfully not estranged.

Those of us on this thread who have, after much soul searching taken the decision to disinherit are estranged and very sadly for Mr. S. and myself, the relationship with our ES is irreparably damaged which was ultimately his decision not ours.

I'm assuming that when you referred to disinheriting being vindictive and mean you were attributing this to your dad and not anyone here.

As DL posted, that is your dad's decision and one that he is of course entitled to make, and it's not unusual for GP's to only have their own children as beneficiaries anyway.

I'm wondering why you've told your son your will is going to be in his favour; wouldn't he have anticipated that being the case anyway or does your will require changing due to the passing of your dear partner?

Hi - sorry I should have possibly worded this better when I said vindictive. What I meant was it was directed towards me . As I’m not fully estranged from my son I feel it would be vindictive of me to disinherit him . Particularly as I suspect there’s something going on at home that I don’t know about. I felt dreadful about the possibility of my making a decision now when I don’t know the facts . Maybe one of them are ill and their choosing not to tell me . I think to give him a message from beyond the grave that I don’t want to leave him what I have would be vindictive for me anyway. No , I certainly don’t think anyone on here is vindictive in their choices regarding leaving money . Actually if things become worse and we do at some point become estranged then I might well be changing it again , and cutting him out . I certainly don’t think anyone on here is vindictive because of the financial choices made through estrangement. After all , if an AC walks away then presumably they wouldn’t be expecting a share in family money anyway. I would have liked to leave something for my GS , but I think it might be quite complicated as I wouldn’t want him to have it until he’s 18. Anyway, as DL pointed out there might not be much left anyway! Care cost will certainly put a dent in anyone’s savings . Smiles , I need to change my will following the death of my partner. Obviously if he were here then I’d leave everything to him .

We all need to do what we do. There is time for you to change things again, if things deteriorate between you and your son.

DH and I had spent 18 years with “bouncing estrangements”, got told he was a burden yada, yada, and he made his decisions. He put up with their tantrums and nastiness long past the point I would have, with my kids. But, I had to bite my tongue then.

I’ve never let a man or anyone else abuse me, and I wouldn’t put up with it from anyone.

If my ACs ever chose to go down that road, they’d find a hefty response from me there waiting.

But, meantime, I haven’t got a problem.👍

As I said, we all do what we feel best.

I thought that must be the reason Ladysu.

You could ask your solicitor about leaving something to your GS when you see him, putting it in trust until he is 18 but I know what you mean that it maybe complicated.

Ladysui, Why do you need to tell your son about your will. It’s been no time at all and your son has lots of problems. You don’t find out about a will until after death.

DiamondLily sorry I didn't respond to your post. First anniversaries are always hard as you are still feeling raw. For 14 years I relived the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching an old black and white film. My children never knew . They always text me to see if I was ok always said yes but had a cry. The 14th year my daughter phone and it all came out what had been happening. She told her brother and they both told me the same thing I should have told them. I vowed never to let myself feel like that again . Grief still overwhelms me at times even after 20 years at the oddest moments. I couldn't tell my children how I felt as they had their own grief to deal with.
I know my daughter misses her dad very much and hopefully my son does to. I know he used to and always said he pictured him and dad fishing. They loved sea fishing . In Ireland they could do it off jetties and once caught 16 mackerel. Guess what we had for breakfast for days. We did give lot away to the farmer who we rented the cottage from . I had cleaned and descaled them so his wife froze them .

I have never had an ex but I understand why it felt uncomfortable having him in your home. That was your and husbands home. Very glad you have such loving and caring children and hopefully your stepchildren are out of your life for good.

Ladysusiei glad you explained you saying vindictive. What I am curious about how do you know your son has problems at home? Have you witness these problems with your own eyes or are you just basing it on his behaviour towards you?

Even if he is having problems at home he shouldn't take it out of you . But glad that you are stronger than when you first posted and don't put up with his bad behaviour towards you on the phone.

I why would you tell him what you are putting in your will. Unless you have made him executor can't think of a reason why he needs to know. Did you tell him your dad had cut him out of his will if so why? It has nothing to do with your son.

It wasn't until my dad died I knew what was in his will as he had made mom , my brother and me executors . But I was the one who dealt with everything. My brother worked long hours did run us around and mom was in bits . As I had already dealt with my husband's death and aftermath it was easy to deal with dad's wishes as it was simple everything was left to mom. It wasn't until my mom had her second mastectomy she let me read her will. And was horrified by it. As if she had died first she had left nothing to my dad and left the house and everything between me and my brother with few thousand to my husband and my brother's now ex wife. I asked why she said the solicitor they used said dad would have been able to stay in the house. The wills had been written few years before my husband died. We had told them to use our solicitor but they went to a solicitor who offered a 2 for the price of one deal . I did point out dad could have been left homeless if we had been horrible . Anyway I soon got her will changed using my solicitor. But mom still made it her way but added a bit which made it complicated. Did you know executors do not have to follow exactly what is in a will. My mom left her rings to her 3 granddaughters stating they are to be valued and then which ever ring they choose they had the difference in cash to who choose the most expensive and 2 grandson's where to have the value in cash. But my brother and I decided to do it differently. We gave each of the 5 grandchildren £500 and let them choose what they wanted of mom's jewellery. My daughter only wanted mom's engagement ring . My nephew didn't want anything. We went in age order my son choose a few items, then my oldest niece and what was left her sister had so she had the most but everyone was happy with it. I had mom's and my nans wedding rings and my brother had dad's wedding ring even though it was cut. As dad got his hand trapped in a machine at work few years after they got married no safety guards in those days. Dad's hand wouldn't have been caught because of the ring but the ring stopped his finger being crushed.

Had an anxiety attack on Wednesday . I phoned to check I could get my train as planned on Monday but was told it was cancelled. Until my diagnosis I never knew why I got upset about if things I planned well in advance got changed at the last minute. And one of the things HPX gives you anxiety problems especially travel anxiety. I can do things in an emergency fine . But all my life I have been a planner . The anxiety set my PAF off so my heart was going crackers and I was in tears. Anyway found out I could catch an earlier train but the woman at the call centre gave me the number for customer relations as I had booked assisted travel .

Phoned customer relations turns out the train I was going to catch wasn't cancelled just my first change was at the next stop along the track . And she checked my return travel on the Friday was fine. As Northern striking only one the 7th and I travel on the 6th and back on 10th. So all that worry over nothing . I know in future phone customer relations and not the call centre which is in another country.

Made a victoria sandwich on Wednesday for my craft group yesterday. Turned out lovely but Wednesday wasn't my day I forgot my strawberry jam wasn't a strong set and should have used the blueberry jam. As I tipped the strawberry jam ready with a spoon to get it out and half a jar poured out over the bottom sponge and down the side. I always put it into the plastic box on the lid I am carrying it in. So thinking it may be very soggy . Brought some bowls and canister of cream and took spoons and knife and spatula to deal with it. Luckily it wasn't soggy and tasted great but everyone was happy to have the cream to have with it. It all went and got one of them to take the canister of cream home with them.

Have others noticed all the witchcraft and abortion pill titles which I and many others have reported. GNHQ deleted the posts but left the titles . I keep asking them to delete the titles but falling on deaf ears. On the health forum there are 58 I counted them so bumped up health topics as all the rubbish titles pushed most of the health ones onto a second page. Please can you report these and get the titles removed. Thankfully none so far on estrangement forum. But 2 on bereavement forum and it's not on.

What annoys me GNHQ are quick enough to delete posts from people like me but let this crap continue. 🤬🤬🤬🤬. Better end my ramble on that note.

Hi Whiff - glad your train is ok after all. These strikes are a pain in the neck.🙄

I think I’ve just had a rackety couple of weeks, one way and another. Not helped by lack of sleep - I wish I could just get a clear, unbroken night.

Ex didn’t do anything wrong. It was all in my mind. But, it was a mistake inviting him in smack on top of the anniversary of DHs death.

But, I kept it polite, so no harm done.

Ex and I would have been married 50 years tomorrow. Seems a lifetime away. I’m not expecting a card or flowers from him. 😉.

I think I’ve probably told my kids if there’s anything left, it’s split between them. But, I know how quickly care costs can rack up, either at home or in an actual home. So, who knows?

I know, from some neighbours, that if you cannot pay, it’s very hard to get care. It’s not getting easier.

But, I would change my will if either stated abusing me or estranged.

Ah well, been keeping my brain active but arguing with some strange posters over on MN, about PIP and disability. Ye Gods.😑

Anyway hope you enjoy your trip.

Hope everyone else well. 💐x

DiamondLily I was told in 1988 I was disabled and began my 35 years of fighting to get anything. Because of no diagnosis refused every time. When my husband was terminal we where told to claim carers and DLA this was 2003. My husband phoned to ask a question about the DLA form the woman who answered asked my husband how long they had given him 4 months to 2 years she said no point applying you have years and put the phone down. Our McMillan nurse filled in the forms and said she was sick of doing it instead of looking after her patients we got it my husband didn't live 4 months . Because I was 45 when he died in 2004 was given £2,000 towards the funeral but we had already put the money aside so gave the children £1,000 each.

I tried various years to claim for me same reply. But did get attention allowance for my mom a lovely young man came to the house in 2011 mom was honest and said I go out 3 times a week for a bit of shopping. This was while she still could. He held her hand and said it's not for what you need now but in the future.

I had mom lived with me last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. I applied for carers allowance I was allowed 6 months allowance because I was told my mom would get better. Even when got violent the last 4 months of her life I still looked after her as I couldn't put her in a home my conscience would not allow it and I loved my mom. She died in 2017.

When I finally knew my neurologist had a diagnosis for my condition applied for the PIP forms March 2022 as I knew I would be seeing my neurologist with my diagnosis 1st April. As I have problems writing due to trembling hands. My daughter filled in the forms . Had a phone assessment I knew the woman hadn't listened to me. PIP gave me zero on everything. Appealed by MRN they agreed with the assessment.

By then had a new member of my craft group and she told me about the Brain Charity. They got me a solicitor pro bono in July 2022 and told PIP we were appealing and going to tribunal. Went to tribunal end August 2023. It's really a court with a real judge ,doctor and disabled person was in my panel. They where very kind . I had a support worker from the Brain Charity with me . It was all recorded and the judge took notes. A representative from DWP had said they would attend but didn't. The judge was not happy. After 50 mins asked to wait out side within 10 had their decision enhanced PIP for living and mobility indefinitely. They gave me 13 points for living and 12 for mobility and the judge apologised for all I had been put through. I received a copy of the decision letter and the judge made comments about the fact DWP didn't turn up or even let them know they wouldn't be coming. They back dated my award to the day I asked for the forms 7th March 2022.

The solicitor told me to apply for UC while I was still waiting for a court date . Had an interview at the job centre and my caseworker said she was sending off for the capability to work health forms . And said phone appointments only as she didn't want me struggling in. The friend at craft group filled in the forms for me as she was used to it. Spent 4.5 hours at my bungalow we talked while she filled them in. Had a face to face assessment as after PIP didn't trust phone assessments. And was awarded it. So I had both UC before my PIP tribunal .

Because I was 66 on Tuesday both UC stops but the way it was paid I will get a part payment of what I am owed 9th May and my case closed 10th May.

Because I was awarded the PIP before reaching 66 they can't take it off me. Because of disability I went to CA earlier this year and a lovely woman helped me fill in the form over the phone with pension credit DWP as you can apply 3-4 months before your state pension. She wrote down exactly what I had to say as I had to phone pension credit on my birthday. Talked to lovely young man and had to give my amount in my savings and current account. But PIP and UC don't count as income . He had to checked the lump sum PIP I had put most into a high interest account doesn't count he phoned me back within 30 mins and it doesn't. So will be getting a letter to see if I get any and how much.

Cabbie21 is very knowledgeable about benefits and helped me especially as she witnessed a PIP tribunal and she put my mind at rest before I had mine.

So if you are entitled to anything ask CA and they will help you so will the charity of any disability or illness you have . If you PM Cabbie21 I am sure she will help even though she was widowed can't remember if it was end of last year or beginning of this.

Germanshepherdsmum is brilliant with legal matters as she is a retired solicitor.

No idea if is of any help to you DiamondLily or what you where asking . But it's what happened to me .

Sorry to hear about your train cancellation making you stressed Whiff then to find out it wasn't
My return train was cancelled, coming back from Disney, it was a pain! We had to reschedule our route and get 2 taxis to finish our journey. Your cake sounds delicious, wish we had a little slot so you could 'post' a slice this way

Whiff, no, I know about tribunals as I used to be a benefits advocate. They are usually fine.

If you get PIP before pension age, you can remain on it as long as eligible for it. The DWP can still review, it’s their decision, but they don’t usually bother too much with older people. It’s the younger people, with mental health issues, they want to remove from it. I’ve always been on lifetime DLA, I never was migrated over to PIP, and probably won’t be now, although they could still review and migrate.

Luckily, where I used to work for the DWP (in the 80’s) and then did voluntary advocacy, I understand the system, and am getting all I should be. I’m not eligible for pension credit because of private pensions and savings - but I’m ok.🙂

DiamondLily I was born with the rare hereditary Hyperekplexia gene mutation SLC6A5 type 3. At the Walton Centre I was the first patient with it my neurologist nor his colleagues have ever had a patient with it. On my Facebook group it's world wide and there are 996 of us. One on my group asked if my neurologist would see her her GP referred her to him now as 2 patients with buy her gene mutation is one of the 3 GL ones which is passed through families. Mine is because my parents had to be both carriers for it and they had 50/50 of having a child with the mutation. I have it my brother doesn't. Because I have it I can't be a carrier so my children and grandchildren are fine . My brother and his children are as well and not carriers for it.

Only by having my whole genome genetically tested was I diagnosed. I was born disabled and as I get older there are more things I can't do any more . But as I have lived with this my whole life and my family never treated me as different wasn't until high school I realised I was. Kids I was with a infant and junior school with we grew up together so they didn't treat me as odd. Being bullied everyday for 5 years you learn to hide a lot of what this does to you. Only people who knew what it did was my family but when I got worse only my husband knew how bad it had gotten not even my children. Still hide a lot from my daughter. Only my Facebook group can I be honest what's happening to me as they are honest as well.

I have seen what it does to babies and young children my parents must have been terrified especially as my brother is only 16 months younger than me so they could see the differences.

But I have found ways to do what I want but my way. My husband was brilliant and very inventive and together we made the perfect team . Our children never missed out on anything . They grew up with a disabled mom and my grandson growing with a disabled nan .

My father in law told me I was defective. Seems my son and daughter in law decided that to.
But they are far from perfect . I was born like this . There disability they made themselves.

No, it’s difficult. I spent a huge amount of time, 20+ years ago to get as fit as I can. It’s multiple problems, and managing to juggle it all was a struggle. But, it worked for years.

But, with age and stress, I can feel my health sliding again.

But, I do what I can, and accept that life will do as it does. I’ve got fatalistic lol 😉

I am keeping my body and mind as fit as I can . I go to a sit fit class on a Monday and our instructor gave us 7 wake up exercises which I do every morning once dressed. Days I don't go out do 25 mins of exercise at home. Read and cross stitch daily to keep my mind active. Plus the cross stitch has helped keep my fingers nimble. Funny enough it's the only time my hands don't tremble no idea why. I garden sitting down on a shower stool that was left in my bungalow and use long handled tools. Actually we brought them for my dad ,then mom used them and when she couldn't garden I had them for me. Hopefully I won't end up in a wheelchair again for 15 years well that's my aim.

Yeah, it’s not easy. Still, have to just do the best we can x💐

Morning everyone.

Good news about your train Whiff. Train cancellations create so much hassle and stress so it's good to know that strikes wont be impacting on your holiday .

I've always been a planner and was never really affected by anxiety until our estrangement. When we went to an Air B&B last October, I was shocked at how anxious I felt as we were due to set off, and all I had to do was pack in the same way I do when we go to our lodge and get in the car to be driven there by Mr. S.!!!

Going somewhere new was taking me out of my comfort zone, my safe place but I was of course fine when we arrived, and we had such a lovely time that we're going to the same place in June.

I can't imagine doing what you're doing, and going on holiday on my own; you're an inspiration. I'm not sure I could do what I used too, and go by train down to Portsmouth to stay with my dearest friend. I haven't done that for about 8 years. She loves where we've moved too and our house so drives up to us, dropping her mum off at her mum's sister's on the way, and picking her upon the way back.

My singing lessons have given back to me some of the self confidence I used to have, and my confident exterior helps to hide the inner turmoil from those who don't know me well.

Sleep always seems to allude us when we need it the most doesn't it DL. Such a difficult time for you with the worst of anniversaries to get through .

There's something to be said for being fatalistic. I used to think it was just a negative outlook on life but with our estrangement, it's helped us to think in terms of it being the hand we've been dealt, our fate to never experience the joy of being GP's and to have lost the son we loved so much.

A busy weekend for us. Mr. S. and I are going out for a meal tonight and another tomorrow night with our dear girl and her friend tomorrow for my birthday, and to raise a glass to our dear S whose birthday would have been yesterday.

The four of us always went out to celebrate her's and mine to our favourite Chinese, which is where we're going tomorrow.
S would spend ages deliberating over the menu, deciding on her starter and main and then choose what she always had .

I do miss her. She and K brought laughter and love into our lives when we moved here and the bond with K is even greater now that S has gone.

We were blessed to have known her and are blessed to have K in our lives, and when those storm clouds gather in my mind I always try to take a few minutes to 'count my blessings' and be thankful for the life we do have.

I think that’s what you have to do. Try and focus on what you have got, rather than what you’ve lost.

It’s hard at times though. Trying to keep up enthusiasm is difficult.

But, I’ve long been fatalistic about my health. I was supposed (according to medics) be dead by the Millennium, and I’m still here lol🙄

Either way, life will do as it does, whatever I do, so best it bats on.

Have a nice meal x💐

This is one of those occasions DL when it's good to know that the medics sometimes get things wrong .

DiamondLily you are strong and stubborn . I am stubborn and have a temper . We both had the love of wonderful men and because of love we fight everyday to live as full as life as we can. It's hard but we do it for them and those that love us. Others here also fight to get through everyday without the other half of themselves . But we are all lucky to have been so loved and love in return. Love like grief never dies . Some people live their whole lives and never have what we had.

Estrangement is a living grief but it's nothing like the grief you feel for the person who was your whole world the only person who knew the real you and you knew the real them.

Smiles being a planner if it goes wrong it causes anxiety especially if you need to live your life like that. Planning has gotten me through my life. Having travel assistance on the train takes my travel anxiety down as I don't have to worry about missing or getting on the wrong train.

Mr S is there for you and so glad he is . Wonder what surprises he has for your birthday tomorrow. Have a wonderful meal with K and her friend . Good food and laughter is the best medicine.

Just booked my taxi in Berwick upon Tweed and my bag is all packed just need to pack my backpack tomorrow. My daughter and the boys popping round tomorrow. I know I will have strict instructions to text her whilst travelling and once there.

I am really looking forward to my adventure.. May even have a few days away later in the year . And no doubt be going to my brother's and sister in law's at some point.

Now I have the Amazon Fire stick I finally watched the first series of Broadchurch. It was very good looking forward to watching the other series of it.
Enjoy your evening everyone.

Whiff - have a nice break.👍

I had to laugh today, my GD has just landed a job on a major cruise line, as one of the entertainers. Wonderful chance for her to see the world.🙂

But, she thought, that as she could get a hugely subsidised place for relatives, around the Caribbean etc for months, I’d want to go on her ship.😗

I did point out that I can’t breathe in hot air, I hate boats/ships, I don’t want to sit on beaches, and there’s no way I could rock around excursions….🙄

Ah well, I’ll think I’ll decline that offer lol 😉

Smiles happy birthday hope Mr S doesn't give you birthday bumps but lots of kisses and cuddles. 🎂🥂🍾💝.

DiamondLily cruise fills me with horror. Brilliant that your granddaughter has gotten the job. Getting paid and seeing the world nothing better. My old hairdressers daughter did that before getting a role in a travelling musical theatre company which worked in this country but also took the productions abroad.

Well bag packed yesterday. Just my backpack today . Taxi booked yesterday in Berwick to take me to my hotel.

Well have good week everyone .

Yes, Whiff. My idea of purgatory as well.😉

Have a lovely break away x 💐

DL, how about the Norwegian Fiords, I would happily take your place as they are lovely,

Well, she’s doing the Caribbean, America and then, apparantly, one going to the Southern Hemisphere after that. Not sure, but it’s not those heading towards Norway.

Too hot for me. 🙂

Morning everyone.

Have a lovely holiday Whiff.

We've had a good bank holiday weekend so far. A lovely meal on Saturday and again last night as we raised a glass to S for the birthday she should have had.

Today's plans have had to change due to the weather. We were going to paint the walls of our roof terrace but have decided to wash off the sea gull deposits and then touch up where necessary.

It just shows how bad the weather has been as by this time the painting has been done and all the hanging and wall baskets planted. Getting fed up now of waiting so fingers crossed today's plan goes well.