Estranged daughter and my will

Iam64

Those advising treat all adult children equally maybe advising this on the assumption that prior to an adult child estranging themselves, all had been reasonably ok. What about abusive adult children, those with drug/alcohol problems who brought real pain to their families then cut them off.
I expect Violet to tell us all that adults with substance misuse/dependence.=,associated chaotic lives are in this difficult place because their parents (usually their mother) are to blame. Yet the other adult children are ok.
Would you suggest leaving equal inheritance in these circumstances

Why would I say that Iam64? That is unfair and untrue representation of my views entirely.

I have mentioned ACEs on threads many times and the links to trauma and addiction...

Never have I said this is solely down to the mother or anyone else.

Trauma can come from many sources. Unfortunately terrible things happen to children with amazing parents.

Children experience stress and poor mental health as well as adults and if we think back to our own childhoods and our experiences, resilience plays a huge part in how we can cope with ACEs

Besides, ACEs, I definitely cannot take credit for, greater minds than mine did the work to understand them.

OP does not mention any kind of addiction but as much as it is a scenario where some may think it will just buy someone drugs, an addicted person will buy those anyway. Maybe that money would put a roof over their heads at a time when not having one would have put them at risk. Maybe that money would buy them some rehabilitation... Maybe it would be a jump start out of despair... Who knows

That's a very valid point Iam.

In our situation prior to being estranged everything had been OK, in fact better than OK but for us, it would be inappropriate to have our ES as a beneficiary.

Doing so is not a punishment, favouring his brother or indicative of us not having unconditional love for him. If he chooses to see it as any of the aforementioned, there's nothing we can do about that, just like there was nothing we could do to prevent the estrangement in the first place.

👏👏👏

Those advising treat all adult children equally maybe advising this on the assumption that prior to an adult child estranging themselves, all had been reasonably ok. What about abusive adult children, those with drug/alcohol problems who brought real pain to their families then cut them off.
I expect Violet to tell us all that adults with substance misuse/dependence.=,associated chaotic lives are in this difficult place because their parents (usually their mother) are to blame. Yet the other adult children are ok.
Would you suggest leaving equal inheritance in these circumstances

I suggest that you avoid giving either of them pain by treating them the same. That will be easier for them in the long run.

I think we are all aware of that VS even if the advice some of us gives, differs to yours.

Giving advice bears responsibility

Always

Smileless2012

I'm sorry that you've been estranged Grandmabatty .

It's bad enough to be estranged DL without suggestions that if you disinherit your EAC you don't love them unconditionally and are showing favouritism to any child(ren) who remains in your live.

Unconditional love is loving someone in spite of what they have done. We love our ES unconditionally because we still love him and always will, and I would worry about anyone who judged if or how much they were loved based on money alone.

I don’t think most do judge. I know how much my DH loved his kids - if he hadn’t, their behaviour wouldn’t have affected him so much. ☹️

But, he felt actions carried consequences, so cut them out of his Will.

He didn’t favour my kids - he just understood that any love and care for him had come from them, for well over 20 years.

life not live

I'm sorry that you've been estranged Grandmabatty .

It's bad enough to be estranged DL without suggestions that if you disinherit your EAC you don't love them unconditionally and are showing favouritism to any child(ren) who remains in your live.

Unconditional love is loving someone in spite of what they have done. We love our ES unconditionally because we still love him and always will, and I would worry about anyone who judged if or how much they were loved based on money alone.

I don't see it as leaving out a (grown up) child.

If one has been there for the parents, helped them out, and generally had much more to do with them, then why shouldn't they be acknowledged.
Obviously if one hasn't been near or by, then it's a bit rich, expecting the same treatment.

My mum treated my daughter moreso than her nephews, simply because she spent lots more time with her, let alone all the things my daughter did for her.
(Not in the hope of getting anything)

Germanshepherdsmum

I agree with Whiff. It’s not for you or anyone else to pass judgement VS, though I realise you see estrangement as your specialist subject. You are not, though, a professional in this area. You can speak only of your own experience.

Yep, there’s no one size fits all with estrangement. They are all different, as, of course, the people involved are.

The only thing they have in common is that they all lead to sadness.

I agree with Whiff. It’s not for you or anyone else to pass judgement VS, though I realise you see estrangement as your specialist subject. You are not, though, a professional in this area. You can speak only of your own experience.

It’s perhaps just a case of needing to have experienced adult children estranging you to have a valid opinion. Gotta be it to see it, sort of thing.

Smiles I wouldn't accept an apology from VioletSky if it was gold plated. Regulars on GN know you have a view on everything VioletSky even things you know nothing about.

My son estranged himself from his entire family two years ago after he was dumped by his girlfriend at Christmas. So don't tell me that we had anything to do with it. I find that cruel and hurtful. He loved family and I think being around family was too much for him to deal with,so he cut us all off. He was thinking of his own feelings and dealing with his own pain. Despite attempts, he has not contacted any of us again.
I have made a will which is 50/50 between him and his sister and that won't change. If he doesn't want it, that's his decision at the time.

Smileless2012

I think you should apologise for that last comment VS. It is not for you or anyone to suggest that Whiff has not found real healthy healing.

I already clarified why this is not healthy thinking and why it is just as damaging to the person having those thoughts as it would be their own child... and it is an open forum

My late DH made an autonomous decision about his uncaring kids. He cut both out of his will completely. He left most to me, and some to my kids (who had always cared for well over 20 years).

We reap what we sow.

I think you should apologise for that last comment VS. It is not for you or anyone to suggest that Whiff has not found real healthy healing.

Smileless2012

Of course there are always reasons for estrangement, some EP's know what they are and some don't.

I agree that what your brother's doing isn't a good look VS; rather mercenary behaviour.

A parent wouldn't necessarily be having a false relationship with a returning EAC if they didn't reinstate them into their will. They may make them aware that they've been disinherited then the AC can decide what's more important.

Not all children know the content of their parents wills prior to their parents dying and there could by any number of shocks/surprises when the time comes.

That's a good point LOUISA about an EAC not wanting the inheritance and donating it to charity.

Sorry to clarify, it was the "never trust or forgive" I was referring to..

So many relationships have issues, people hurt each other and have to work through it. This statement should in essence, firmly shut the door on a relationship as it would not be real or healthy for either of them

When the previously estranged child, who thought they had made peace finds out at the last possible moment it was all a lie and they are to be punished? That is, I don't have words to express how hurtful that would be to someone's own child.

I cannot understand it, and because this thread is advice to an estranged parent who needs support with the will, felt it needed to be challenged

Whiff

VioletSky do not tell me what's right or not. You do not know me and I will not be judged by you.

I truly hope you find real healthy healing one day

Whiff

VioletSky do not tell me what's right or not. You do not know me and I will not be judged by you.

👏👏👏 You do what’s right for you Whiff. Everyone’s situation is different.

Of course there are always reasons for estrangement, some EP's know what they are and some don't.

I agree that what your brother's doing isn't a good look VS; rather mercenary behaviour.

A parent wouldn't necessarily be having a false relationship with a returning EAC if they didn't reinstate them into their will. They may make them aware that they've been disinherited then the AC can decide what's more important.

Not all children know the content of their parents wills prior to their parents dying and there could by any number of shocks/surprises when the time comes.

That's a good point LOUISA about an EAC not wanting the inheritance and donating it to charity.

VioletSky do not tell me what's right or not. You do not know me and I will not be judged by you.

I can't imagine your dd wanting to inherited anything...she may just donate it to charity ....far better for your younger DD to have it