Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

Well done @ladysuisei!

i think they have behaved with commendable maturity and responsibility in actually giving birth to the child conceived, staying together to raise him and making the commitment of marriage to enhance that.
OP, you need to step right back.
read some relevant posts on MN.
we here on GN are actually trying to help you to not become estranged.
that would be a much worse position for you.

It seems things changed after the daughter in law became pregnant - out of wedlock. The OP is very religious - I wonder if she showed disapproval, maybe applied pressure for them to marry, and this is the source of the rift. The constant mentions of religion and the reference to ‘offering up forgiveness’ are quite overwhelming. I can’t imagine she approved of the situation, and she probably made her feelings very clear. That would alienate both her son and her daughter in law.

Ladysuisei SO pleased you have started to see a chink of light shining through!

Wishing you many sunny 🌞 times ahead.

@Grammie2 I’ve been in a similar predicament with my son and DIL . Now the baby is finally here I have found my strategy.
This strategy is to take a huge step back , let my son come to me when he’s ready and most importantly do not apportion blame to his wife . I was worried about whether my DIL hated me for months before the birth , causing me so much unhappiness. I thought I was going to be estranged. Now I’ve stepped back my son has been making contact , proper contact with conversations etc . Texts with sign off with kisses . He tells me love you mum again. It’s early days , but nobody has been to see my grandson yet and I’m preparing to be patient . I realise that by being hurt about being excluded is leading to further unhappiness for me . I’ve had a very unhappy time recently with the sudden death of my partner and thus clouded my judgement I think . I’ll always have to learn to live alone which is very hard . By pressurising my son I was driving a wedge through our relationship. I feel that the fragile roots of us getting along are actually there now but this is probably because I’ve pulled back . So by blaming your DIL you won’t get anywhere- your son has chosen her to be his wife and if you are hostile then he will turn on you not her . I almost fell down that rabbit hole which I’m not fully out of yet , but things are improving. I can only tell you about my own experience- but I know that blaming your sons choice of partner will not end well .

Grammie, you mention the couple's priorities. I think you are right . Your son's priority at this time is his wife and child. He is much more interested in pleasing his wife than pleasing you.

It's a big change for you to cope with especially with you being so keen on the role of grandmother.

For you own good don't annoy them at this time/ Stay on friendly terms with your daughter in law even if she seems rude. You'll see, in a year or even sooner they will be less in love with themselves and their child and will have more space in their lives for the father's parent.

May I suggest you focus on living a fulfilling life yourself rather than focussing on your grandchild and their parents? I understand your hurt and feelings of exclusion, but they are based on your expectations, which are not matched by your son and daughter-in-law.
When I had my children, many years ago, we scarcely saw the grandparents. Everyone was busy working. There were no constant texts and photos sent by phone, but it didn’t stop very loving relationships being formed and maintained. Probably you need to step back and wait for them to make the next move. By all means pray for them, but it is not up to us to tell God what to do!

Your faith seems central to your life, is it shared by your son and daughter in law. Praying for them to mature, to involve you more, seeking counselling from Christian mentors and a counsellor, all could alienate some young parents.
You clearly dislike your daughter in law, see your son as ‘in the middle’ but give no evidence to back that up.

Grammie2

False claims, so you don’t respect me not dragging up someone’s dirty laundry? It wasn’t the issue I wanted advice on, reread OP. How to handle my feelings being excluded and feeling sad about not talking negatively more about dil.

It's relevant because your relationship with DIL is relevant. You seem to feel entitled to a certain amount of time and attention in someone else's life. But you also have mysterious issues that justifies how you feel and discredits how she may feel. But you can't tell us that or it would invade her privacy?

If someone is making false accusations, you don't respond by demanding more time and access to their family.

To be clear, I don't care to know the details at all. I just think adding it in but being unwilling to share the details is weird. If it wasn't relevant you shouldn't have mentioned it at all.

I hope, in this fresh new week, that you take a deep breath and see all of our posts as all our different perspectives on your sad and frustrating situation. Not as horrid and unfair responses.

Please do some soul searching and think back to when you had your first baby! It’s a scary, exciting, worrying, nerve wracking time. Maybe DiL isn’t coping as well as she’d like and doesn’t want you to know. Maybe her Mum is helping her and more relaxed about things? Maybe she lives closer? Does DiL have siblings?

Faith is a great thing, but I find your almost borderline obsession with both your religion and grandchild a bit overwhelming, maybe your son and DiL do too? Are all of your sons as fervent in their religious views as you?

Surely you should trust in God that things will work out.

As I stated before, I wish you ALL well and hope in time this relationship rebuilds and you get to spend time with your much beloved grandchild.

If not, then maybe God’s will??

Hello Grammie2
I'm sorry to hear of your distress and do hope that in time things improve.

I believe I read that you have more than one adult son - are they in contact with this little family?
I'm wondering if this son is the first to leave your area and move away?

I was married young, moved away from home and had my first baby at 21. By 23 I had moved continent to America. I was proud of our little family unit and determined to do everything either myself or with my husband. I was pleased both sets of grandparents lived hours away. I did not want help from my parents, didn't want them to babysit, help cook or clean or even just hold the baby whilst I had a bath (for example).

My love for my parents was (and is) sincere and true - but they just accidentally irritated me beyond measure with their apparent "obsession" over my baby. The offers of help were annoying (don't forget, an offer of help implies you need help), the assumption that I'd need a break from my infant were rather "ridiculous" (at least I thought so). Their ideas of parenting was different to mine and annoying.

Because I knew they loved me in an all-consuming way I believed I needed to protect my baby from this.

If there is one thing I regret as a much older woman is that my need to fiercely protect my precious new baby (and subsequent babies actually) from interference meant that I rejected offers more than I needed to and denied them joys that I could have gifted them by just gritting my teeth. Hindsight is a great thing they say.

I know my parents had THE most enormous hearts full of love - but my heart was full of love for my offspring and it felt like a duty to be a gatekeeper to the outside world.

I can't tell you how cross I would have been if someone (anyone) had invited themselves (even with a phone call) to visit. It would have implied "rights" over our precious baby.

I have always hated the way babies are passed round (like a game of pass the parcel) - I still feel cross when babies are picked up without asking the mother and still feel annoyed at the assumptions some people make about rights over access just because they are family.

So why am I sharing this?
Basically to say that even the most generous and loving offers can be received and read differently. Our history (as children and then adults) colours our reactions to being a parent.
If your son and his family are doing OK that is in part a testament to you raising him and encouraging him to grow wings, and fly.

I would encourage a building of bonds with your son and his wife. The baby is secondary and you must , I think, sit on your hands with this one.
If you can gently and with an open heart build a relationship with your son and wife, adult to adult, I think your time will come.

I do feel so sorry for the DIL. Why should she be deemed responsible for her husband's social/family life?

Grammie - of course you want to see your new GC. Perfectly normal. But, in order to try and get the relationship back on track, keeping things light, chatty, friendly and happy is probably the best way forward.

Perhaps your son could send you photos etc, and maybe FaceTime with you.

My son lives in America, with DIL, and my step grandson - the distance between the US and the UK means we can only meet, at best, once a year.

But, there are so many other ways of staying in touch now. Hopefully, the relationship between yourself/DIL will improve without the pressures.

Best wishes. 💐

You aren’t excluded though, Grammie. Things just aren’t happening in the way you want them to, or as often. The more you push the more you will be pushed away. That’s sometimes the way things work, especially when there has been conflict between people in the past. You are finding it difficult to put these things behind you, so it’s likely that your DIL is too. So my advice is still to keep your contact with her and your son light, friendly and undemanding, and infrequent for now. That might relieve some of the tension between you, but it will take time.

Grammie don’t be upset and don’t leave the forum. You are hurting. …. it’s your first GC and ofcourse, you want to be more involved. Be patient. I am surprised your son/d.i.l. hasn’t sent you pictures of the baby. I can well imagine how hurtful it is when you see pictures of the baby with the other grandma. She probably lives nearer . Are you in the USA ? Not that it matters. I hope you things change - be positive towards your d.i.l. Look at the good things. Does she make your son happy? Is she a good mother ? That’s all that matters . Take care 🌺

False claims, so you don’t respect me not dragging up someone’s dirty laundry? It wasn’t the issue I wanted advice on, reread OP. How to handle my feelings being excluded and feeling sad about not talking negatively more about dil.

I think some if the responses a bit hard, she’s a new Nan and naturally want to see her grandchild. . Poster does need to pull back though as the couple are young and new parents and won’t take kindly to any type of pressure.. . In a lot of relationship the man’s mother takes a back seat I’m afraid. I never expected to be treated same as my dil’s mother but I do have a good relationship with her when we see each other, she doesn’t call in to see me or invite me over but that’s just how it is.

The flowers, gifts, etc are too much. The requests are too much. I imagine the frequent mentions of religion are also too much if they aren't equally religious.

They clearly don't like it. Take their behavior as evidence that your constant gifts and apologies you don't actually mean are unwelcome.

If you back off it will likely improve. If you've read other threads here you will see that this kind of advice is frequently given in your situation.

I would suggest listening to dissenting opinions because your methods don't seem to be working. You may not think so but from an outside perspective, this is obsession.

I find your "false claims" vague story to be suspicious. Regardless, this is the woman that your son had a baby with and is committed to so I would suggest moving on.

Yes please don’t hold one comment about one person as a perceived standard or judgment for others

Yes, I have tried but without reciprocation. I was excited to have a comfortable relationship that i could help out, babysit if ever needed, just know milestones, instead crickets. I’m sad and certainly have never interfered or crossed boundaries like you described.

These 23 year olds are way wiser than given credit by the OP

They have good heads on their shoulders

Maybe u aren’t someone who sends flowers for occasions like birthday, day give birth, just because thinking of u in a 8 month period not weird or obsessive to seek counseling when someone hurts you. I haven’t even brought up issue with 3 bible study groups. I was feeling lonely this weekend and reading estranged stories on here, never posted on forum before. I can say I appreciate the opinions of those saying don’t invite self in future and will heed, but u, saying a person trying to seek peace who has gotten advice is obsessed, I find unkind. I will probably never use a forum again because of your comments. You don’t know whole story or how I was mistreated. I will move on and not let you bring me down.

Are you always just commenting about your grandson and pics etc? I ask because ended up being NC with my MIL - she got very territorial over my baby, overstepped boundaries, was a baby hogger and never tried to get to know more about me, ask how I was or anything. It was like I was an incubator for HER grandchild. It became unbearable so she hasn't even met my second. I'm not saying you're that bad but have you focused on your relationship with DIL instead of your grandchild? I expect her mother will see LO more because her and her daughter have a strong bond and relationship and the maternal grandmother seeing more of her grandchild will be a consequence of that strong relationship.

Your close friends see their grandchildren frequently because they live nearby. You don’t. Nor do I. Accept the situation. Your life doesn’t depend on seeing your grandchild frequently. Whatever would you do if your grandchild lived on the other side of the world? As I said before, count your blessings and be grateful for what you have.

I am a Christian but I find your references to consulting spiritual mentors and a counsellor about this issue really odd - likewise all the flowers, gifts and apologies. This child is only 8 months old but in that space of time you have gone to extraordinary lengths, I would say to the point of obsession. I fear you have a problem which requires professional help. Please see your doctor about it. Your behaviour is not normal or healthy.