Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

some of the advice here is so wrong, excusing selfish, ill mannered behaviour from the daughter in law . I expect nothing now from the woman my son has married and it is NOT his fault she has turned out the way she has. The advice to challenge your son to do something will just put more stress on him - is that what the posters sympathetic to the daughter in law want?

Ophelia711

I stayed too long and ate food I wasn't supposed to touch. . Now DIL won't speak to me. I'm the guilty one here, not her. She won't answer my apology letter. She's not keeping children from me on zoom, but she won't forgive me and resume relationship. What else can I do?

Start a new thread if you want replies!

Grammie2

Maybe u aren’t someone who sends flowers for occasions like birthday, day give birth, just because thinking of u in a 8 month period not weird or obsessive to seek counseling when someone hurts you. I haven’t even brought up issue with 3 bible study groups. I was feeling lonely this weekend and reading estranged stories on here, never posted on forum before. I can say I appreciate the opinions of those saying don’t invite self in future and will heed, but u, saying a person trying to seek peace who has gotten advice is obsessed, I find unkind. I will probably never use a forum again because of your comments. You don’t know whole story or how I was mistreated. I will move on and not let you bring me down.

We don't know the whole story or how you were mistreated because you have chosen not to tell us. There may be valid reasons for that, but you can't blame us for commenting based on the things you have felt able to share.

I think girls usually go to their own mothers, not so in my case. My dil preferred her own family. Not had an invite for 3 years but grandchildren grown up now. I gave up many years ago inviting them here or out for a meal as always rebuffed, so i stood back.I text once a month and she usually answers, I keep it light, my son keeps in touch by phone regularly. He thinks the world of her and shes a good mother, I comfort myself by thinking he's happy and has the life he wants. Thats what we all want for our children really and you can’t make someone care that doesn't.
It does hurt though but you get over it.

Well I don't agree that asking to visit one’s son and his family twice in 8 months, and driving 6 hours to do so is a terrible crossing of a boundary. In my world it would be normal behaviour. But then we are all able to speak our minds and would say if it was inconvenient. Is it about boundaries or control? If people are not careful, their boundaries can become self inflicted isolation. That’s when we see posts from young parents complaining that their parents don’t make any effort to keep in touch or see their grandchildren. Perhaps they’ve just taken the advice on here to ‘step back and let their adult children come to them’. Can’t really win can we?

I stayed too long and ate food I wasn't supposed to touch. . Now DIL won't speak to me. I'm the guilty one here, not her. She won't answer my apology letter. She's not keeping children from me on zoom, but she won't forgive me and resume relationship. What else can I do?

A few posts above, SingcoTime talked of relationships being expected to take a 180⁰ turn when babies are born.
I think this is the nub...

Whatever your relationship is with your son and his wife/partner before any babies are born it is likely to go on much the same.
It is not in my opinion, suddenly going to be much more full on. If it is different after, it's likely to mean you will see less of them - as they are naturally busier with more to think about more to do and more need to enjoy being a new little unit.

I would say, learn to see the good in your son's partner/wife and show them that you value them. They are the person your son has chosen so surely they must have some positive features!

Madgran77

Oh yes sorry completely missed the "s"! 🤣🤣

😂😂😂😂😂

Oh yes sorry completely missed the "s"! 🤣🤣

Madgran77

Read again sMothered!

VioletSky

My son's don't but I have 3 of them so maybe haven't sMothered them too much lol

I'm genuinely trying to work out what "mothered too much" would look like. 🤔

Goodness me, Claennis, and we're self-righteous? At least none of us has SHOUTED and MADE PRONOUNCEMENTS based on absolutely no evidence about the devastating damage done to a child who hasn't seen a grandparents for 8 months.

I saw my grandparents once or twice a year for visits of ten days or so, starting when my grandfather retired: I was four. I don't think they ever visited before that, due to his unpredictable work schedule. Did I love them? Oh, my goodness, you have no idea! Did they love me and my brothers? Tremendously! They missed out on that UNCONSCIONABLY brief deadline you seemed to think is a bare minimum for seeing their grandchildren. (They had 9--they'd have been spread thin dashing across the entire USA if they had spent our babyhoods trying to see all of us frequently.) They missed out on seeing us once or twice a year when we were tiny, though my mother wrote often and sent pictures--and got lovely, newsy letters back. And yet as teenagers and adults, when we all lived in the same town, my brothers and I and any visiting cousins never missed a family gathering they were going to take part in because we just plain enjoyed seeing them. They were welcoming. But then my grandparents weren't pushy, didn't make demands, didn't criticize my parents, criticized us very, very rarely, gently and minimally, didn't think boundaries were there to be broken, were easy-going and were pleasant to be around. That's ideal for grandparents, no matter how old the grandchildren are.

It must be so hurtful to feel excluded from this beautiful little baby but think of the situation like this- how would you have liked your mil to have come for four hours and watched you as a new mum all fingers turned to thumbs trying to change a new baby!! I know as it happened to me and I used to dread the visits. The new mother naturally has turned to her own mother who doesn’t look on and in the new mums eyes pass judgement. It’s a different world they have been thrown into and you will have to be patient. You could maybe suggest meeting for a picnic which you will bring somewhere halfway when the weather gets better.

I think oversimplification by way of silly sayings is never helpful. My mum is close with the children and families of my brothers. They were raised to be very family-oriented. The expectation of women as sole responsibility bearers in keeping families in touch wasn't a concept in our household, ergo, my brothers keep in touch with their family of origin. Some daughters face more pressure to stay in touch and take care of family relations, while sons generally face no such pressure. Mismatched expectations are also part of the problem. Sometimes parents and grans have two different ideas of what regular contact is. Sometimes relationships with sons are not close prior to them becoming parents, and grans expect a complete 180 after grandchildren come. Sometimes families are too enmeshed, and the young couples take the opportunity to add a bit of space as they find their footing as their own nuclear unit. Sometimes adult sons and daughters are too caught up in their own world and don't think about the wider family. Everyone's situation is unique to their own family dynamics.

Skydancer

So many mothers of sons say that, once their son has a partner or wife, they veer towards the other family. It is annoying and hurtful and has happened to me. But it has always been the case as far as I can see. I don't really know why it happens.

Yes, happened to me too. I guess it’s just the mother/daughter bond is stronger than the mother/son bond once a baby appears. I’m biding my time, hope to be the fun Grandma they’ll want to spend time with in their teenage years! I don’t mind missing out on the boring bits when they can’t walk, talk or keep food down!

My son's don't but I have 3 of them so maybe haven't sMothered them too much lol

So many mothers of sons say that, once their son has a partner or wife, they veer towards the other family. It is annoying and hurtful and has happened to me. But it has always been the case as far as I can see. I don't really know why it happens.

Claennis

Lots of judgement, self-righteous talk and virtue signalling going on here in the comments.
Grammie2, I am not surprised you are feeling upset and exluded. DIL is being, at the very least, discourteous and unfair. Maybe it's natural for her to want her mother. But courtesy is being conscious of others' feelings and needs.
OF COURSE an infant grandchild should have the opportunity to bond with her grandmother and grandfather in her early life.
And OF COURSE a first-time grandmonther would want to spend regular time with the baby. Once in 8 months is an UNCONSCIONABLY insufficient baby time to allocate to the mother of your partner (what disrespect!) and for a son to not think of his mother's presence in his baby's life.
I don't care whether boundaries have been crossed... EVERYBODY is learning in this situation, and everybody needs to be sensitive and a bit tolerant, not just poor old Grammie.
I wouldn't be making excuses for these two thoughtless young people. There's no excuse for rudeness.
Grammie2 - it isn't any wonder you feel hurt and excluded, whatever is behind this treatment of you. However, some of the virtue signallers above are right, nevertheless... carefully have a talk with your son, ensuring no blame is laid. That would stuff things up right royally. He is your liaison with the young family, though, and your first port of call (though I hope you'll be able to begin building, step by small step, a good relationship with DIL, whether you like each other or not).
There is nothing wrong with reminding your son gently that his baby would benefit from a relationship with all his or her grandparents and that you would love to spend some time with the babe, but you need him to let you know when it's the right time to come.
Extended family is terribly important for children, and I do hope your son and partner begin to see that basic politeness would be a good place to start mending the tear in the family fabric that they haven't as yet bothered to notice.

This is precisely why relationships breakdown. A young mother's responsibilities do not include making sure her MIL or anyone else has what they deem as sufficient time with her baby. Her job is to take care of herself, her child, and her husband. It's not being self-righteous to comprehend this, but it is incredibly entitled and self-absorbed to think your wants are her duty to fulfill.

Babies don't need to bond with anyone but their parents. Children benefit from healthy relationships with grandparents when they are older. Right now the grandparents are not nearly as important as you'd like to believe, maternal or paternal. Creating a false sense of entitlement by overstating the relationship with the infant will not help the OP. It will help her build misguided resentment that will ultimately only end badly for her. It simply isn't helpful. Women prefer to spend time with their mothers over the MILs. That's life. It's nothing to feel guilty about. OP's son's responsibility is to maintain ties here with his own side. He's the only person the OP needs to address in the matter.

Claennis,

"I don't care whether boundaries have been crossed..."

And there lies the problem. Other people care if their boundaries have been crossed.

People lose entire family relationships because they don't care if they cross boundaries.

Parents can and will decide for themselves who can have access and when.

There are many parents out there who find a total disregard for their boundaries or their child's boundaries to be a red flag.

This attitude ends in estrangement.

Screw around and find out I guess.

Lots of judgement, self-righteous talk and virtue signalling going on here in the comments.
Grammie2, I am not surprised you are feeling upset and exluded. DIL is being, at the very least, discourteous and unfair. Maybe it's natural for her to want her mother. But courtesy is being conscious of others' feelings and needs.
OF COURSE an infant grandchild should have the opportunity to bond with her grandmother and grandfather in her early life.
And OF COURSE a first-time grandmonther would want to spend regular time with the baby. Once in 8 months is an UNCONSCIONABLY insufficient baby time to allocate to the mother of your partner (what disrespect!) and for a son to not think of his mother's presence in his baby's life.
I don't care whether boundaries have been crossed... EVERYBODY is learning in this situation, and everybody needs to be sensitive and a bit tolerant, not just poor old Grammie.
I wouldn't be making excuses for these two thoughtless young people. There's no excuse for rudeness.
Grammie2 - it isn't any wonder you feel hurt and excluded, whatever is behind this treatment of you. However, some of the virtue signallers above are right, nevertheless... carefully have a talk with your son, ensuring no blame is laid. That would stuff things up right royally. He is your liaison with the young family, though, and your first port of call (though I hope you'll be able to begin building, step by small step, a good relationship with DIL, whether you like each other or not).
There is nothing wrong with reminding your son gently that his baby would benefit from a relationship with all his or her grandparents and that you would love to spend some time with the babe, but you need him to let you know when it's the right time to come.
Extended family is terribly important for children, and I do hope your son and partner begin to see that basic politeness would be a good place to start mending the tear in the family fabric that they haven't as yet bothered to notice.

Ladydsuisei, I am so happy so read your posts. How wonderful!

OP, Ladysuisei and many others provide some wise words here. Please take them on and be patient!

Hetty58

I do feel so sorry for the DIL. Why should she be deemed responsible for her husband's social/family life?

It's an old sexist trope that just won't die.

OP, focus on your son.

@DL @notspaghetti @User thanks - I’m trying to chill out a bit !! I’m finding that leaving my son to his own devices is paying off for me . It’s a shame things got quite bad before they started to improve but I suppose we have to learn . I certainly don’t blame my DIL - this is the worst path to go down .
In any case I currently have plenty worries of my own with my housing dilemma which hasn’t been resolved yet . I suppose it’s only been a few weeks but all the stress is making it feel like a few years . This is a bit of a distraction from any possible estranged related thoughts

ladysuisei - glad you’re finding a positive way forwards with this.👍

I agree welbeck. The OP’s son was obviously raised a Christian with a respect for marriage. So many just don’t bother. What they have done is commendable.