Brother - no girlfriend or wife

Your brother’s personality is his survival mechanism, not to be tampered with now, unless he himself wants something to change.

It doesn't matter

Your brother is who he is for whatever reason, your only choice is whether to love him as he is or not.

Everything else is his to worry about

Is your brother unhappy?

JaneJudge

You could talk to him if you want to pursue a normal relationship with him. It sounds like you both had a tough time

Lots of men seem quite happy living alone. I wondered if it is because many of them would have been diagnosed as neuro diverse these days and women are better at masking

Neuro diverse - that’s my thinking too. He clearly needs space and privacy. And understanding.

You could talk to him if you want to pursue a normal relationship with him. It sounds like you both had a tough time

Lots of men seem quite happy living alone. I wondered if it is because many of them would have been diagnosed as neuro diverse these days and women are better at masking

Why not ask?

He might be gay.
He might have a woman friend who is married.
He might just prefer being single.

But he now lives 20 miles away and only sees them every couple of weeks for a couple of hours
That sounds fine.

I am sorry you had such a strange upbringing which has caused you issues.
Good luck with the counselling.

A will ..... I may be wrong but it comes across to me a if there's some resentment from you that he's reconnecting with your parents.

He may simply have been honest with any partners he's had in the past and said he had such little contact with his family, that there was no point in him introducing him/her.

If he is gay, FHM magazines could have been in his room so no one would suspect, especially as he knew that his privacy wasn't respected.

Or, he may not have become involved with anyone at all. Not everyone does, preferring a life of solitude.

Your account of your lack of communication with your brother means that you could not possibly know if he has or has not had partners. But it’s his business and his alone. There are people who are asexual, meaning that they are not attracted to either gender and they live perfectly happily like that.

People don't have to have a partner. Perhaps he is a solitary person. Your description of him as a child makes me wonder about ASD. But the childhood you both seem to have had also seems very tense and unusual. It's good you are having counselling for childhood issues. Your brother has maybe developed a protective screen around himself.

He may just be very introverted or he could have schizoid PD, if you didn't respect his need for privacy when he was young it's hardly likely he is going to open up to you now. If you really care about him show him some love.. by respecting the way he has chosen or been forced to live and accept he may or may not wish to talk to you..

I’m not sure why it matters. Brother is a very private person and he is not going to open up and tell you about his private life. That is private and you should respect that. If you want to know him better I think you need to start with simple things and build up a relationship as friends if that’s possible and he is willing.

The only time people would not knock is if my mum was cleaning up and he wasn’t in there.

If he knew she’d been in…wow.

Stressful for him yes. But he supports them now. A will…..

Yeah he has no reason to open up to me. I get that.

Also if he had a bad relationship with his parents, he wasn't close to you then why would he open up?

I feel sorry for your brother. Its a dysfunctional family, where he was blamed for being hard work. He was a child.

No wonder he desperately needed privacy as that sounds a stressful environment for him. He was safe in his room.

It sounds like this wasn't respected. Why didn't everyone knock before entering?

With regards whether we would ever know if he had a girlfriend, I would assume at some point he would get the girl to meet his family. Surely a serious girlfriend would do this. Perhaps I’m from a different world.

He’s 45 for goodness sake. Unless he’s told the girl his family have died or he has cut contact with them.

Again this would make situation even stranger! Odd thing to say,

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the comments.

Firstly this isn’t some research project I am part of. Also this may seem like an odd point to make at first. But it’s a point nonetheless that I am struggling with. And searching for answers.

Wrong place. I thought this was a place people spoke about family issues and things they are finding things difficult,

Not a great experience here. I suggest some more compassion and understanding.

With regards why we don’t ask him - this is part of the problem. No one has ever behaved like this around him. Unless you’ve experienced this odd dynamic you’d have no idea.

With regards if he is gay, he had a lot of FHM magazines when we were young. Uk people will know this so I assume not.

This was also an issue. If we rolls entered his room when young, he would go MAD. Possibly like some other kids so maybe not a huge thing. But he had a big thing about his private space. Something which still exists now.

Never once goes anywhere near opening up. Which creates an odd atmosphere. Never tells you where he is going or really shares who he had been with.

I make him sound like a murderer. Ha.

Anyway, not a great welcome here for a new-ish poster.

Only spoke 10-25 words to your brother in 25 years .

I would just concentrate on the counselling you're having for your own child stuff.

BlueBelle

Another new poster with a very strange first post
Afraid I m wary sounds too weird

Couldn’t agree more 😉

BlueBelle

Another new poster with a very strange first post
Afraid I m wary sounds too weird

My thoughts exactly BlueBelle. I suspect that it is yet another research project seeking ideas for a trashy novel or chat mag article.
It is no ones business why the young man has had no 'partners' in his life.

Ice, you lived in a very dysfunctional household. Perhaps your brother is happier alone as he saw a very warped view of a family.

As it stands this does seem strange, but for what it’s worth, my mother was of the opinion that some people were ‘neuter’ (her word) - not gay, not heterosexual, just having no interest in or need for sexual relationships. She had a friend like that, and I know someone, too.

Another new poster with a very strange first post
Afraid I m wary sounds too weird

A man with no partner is not a man with an "issue".

Posted too soon.

Perhaps he is gay and has relationships that you aren’t aware of. Do you see him and speak to him regularly to know his daily activities?
In any event it isn’t any of your business.

Perhaps he is gay.