Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Winnie, it all goes round in our heads, did we do that wrong or should I have done that. We did our best at the time, we loved them, they came first, so don't beat yourself up. As mothers used to putting things right but sadly when our children are grown we can't. It's up to them. I have come to terms with the fact I wasn't perfect but who is? Oh to be loved as much, I think now if only my husband was here.

There's a private message facility Winnie if you want to share anything privately. Go to a post that the person you want to pm has made, and click on Private message.

Your son may well have a degree of autism. That doesn't excuse any behaviour that hurts and upsets you but when interacting with our DS, I do find it helps to know that he isn't necessarily intentionally coming across the way he sometimes does.

Allsorts .

Afternoon everyone, hope you are all enjoying the weekend.

We're back from our much needed holiday which was lovely. Weather a little disappointing at times but managed a BBQ every evening and went out for a lovely Italian meal for our last night.

We'll be contacting the owner later today to make our booking for next year.

Busy times ahead. The purchaser's surveyor is coming in the morning, and they're coming Wednesday afternoon to see what they want to offer to buy. So she wasn't kidding when she said "I love your home and I love your things"!!!

We're going to our 'old' lodge on Tuesday and probably Wednesday too, to finish packing up and getting everything organised for when Mr. S. can collect a large van on the 13th.

Some will be coming here, some to the new lodge and some to the flat.

We're going to sit down this afternoon and write out a comprehensive list/plan of action.

All's good but I do have a problem. Not long after we moved here we were both diagnosed with PTSD due to our estrangement. Not severe by any means but it is noticeable and can make life difficult for me if I feel even just the slightest anxious and/or stressed.

So, despite being so excited about our forthcoming move, I'm having a ridiculous increase in panic/anxiety attacks. I had one on the journey home today, and really do need to find a way to control them. Any ideas will be gratefully received xx

Smileless, Estrangement shakes our confidence so much. Things will never be the same as they were, i never in a million years could have envisioned what my d did just as you didn't with your son. It makes us more hesitant with even a simple decision sometimes. Although we know things cant change it shakes the ground from under us. You're having a wobble, I don't move because of it, on my own its such a responsility, I stick with what's safe, your last move was a success but your present home is too big as you get older, this is a chance to live in an area you know not far from your old life but far enough, whats the worse that can happen, whatever it is you could solve it, but it will be a success as it ticks a lot of boxes. Of course you will have doubts but in no time at all you will wonder why.

Thank you Allsorts you have no idea how much your post has helped xx

Smokeless when we packed up our last home (and farm) I was often reduced to panic and tears because there was so much to do - even though I was very happy about the move. You're still worn out by the estrangement - take your time - don't let anyone rush you. If it takes longer than you first thought it's not the end of the world. Give yourself time to rest too. If you panic slow down - and breathe! All will be well

Obviously no

B phone! Not smokeless obviously!

Not smokeless obviously not yet eddie but maybe one day I'll give it up. Thank you for sharing your own experience which has helped me feel better about feeling panicked and tearful.

I'll show it to Mr. S. so he wont worry if I suddenly burst into tears.

You have fought bigger battles than this one Smiles, one step at a time, emotions pass and before you know it you will be happy and settled in your new home.
You can do this 💐

Thank you Bridie. I don't know what I would do without the friendship and support of all you lovely ladies.

Smileless2012 You have been a great support for many going through difficult times. If anyone deserves well wishes it’s you so I wish you good health and hope you settle in your new abode.

Thank you Redhead, you're very kind .

Good afternoon everyone. I’ve been a bit whacked here, what with stress, heat (and now the football lol).

Life rocks on, I’ll just be glad when we’re finished with the court etc.🙄

Smiles - DH sent me this CD, before we got together properly, when I was (literally) at the end of my tether, what with panic attacks, stress etc. I pooh-poohed it, but gave it a go.

I used to just lay down in a silent room and just listen. I found it wonderfully calming and relaxing. Might be worth a try if your stress levels are up:

www.healinglight.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Healing-light-tranquility-david-sun-meditation-cd.jpg

Hope everyone is having a nice day.🙂

Thank you DL, I could have done with that to listen too last night as the last time I looked at the clock before going to sleep, it was 2.50 am!!!

This is so hard at the moment.
I have just come home after a week's stay in hospital..I suffer from a brain condition called Chiari where the lower brain comes through the skill causing pressure symptoms on the spinal cord and cerebellum. I have had it all my life and have adapted to the weird symptoms.
However the last couple of months I have had ongoing numbness and weakness creeping up my right side. Foot,leg then a few weeks ago arm and head. My gp was hopeless saying that I would have to wait to see the neurologist as she had made the referral. A years waiting list. I told her I felt suicidal and she shrugged her shoulders with " there's nothing I can do "
I have a new neighbour a lovely Italian lady who is a physicist working in the NHS. She came round and told me to get my handbag and insisted we went to casualty. She waited till early hours of the morning until I was seen and admitted. Had repeated scans of brain and spine and referral to London neurosurgeon. Still under discussion on whether brain surgery should be performed.
As you can imagine this has been very stressful. I have 2 daughters. My youngest lives 200 miles away and on the day I was admitted a taxi knocked her off her bike and she has been on crutches with ligament damage to her foot. Lots of phone calls to each other,flowers sent but unable to meet.
My other daughter lives 40 mins away. She has been told what is happening to me but has not visited or phoned. Instead I have had a very unkind message saying as she had never felt supported she feels there is a barrier between us. I have had problems with her over last few years and have had great advice from several of you ladies on how to cope with her behaviour. This time it is evident that she will still be unkind when I am at my lowest point. I miss the grand children and am constantly reflecting on the life we once had.
My arm is stronger but still struggling with mobility. Unsure whether to consent to brain surgery if it was offered. It has lots of risks. There is no other treatment. Have considered suicide in my dark moments but don't want to wreck their lives. I love both my daughters but hate how the eldest has been to me.
Sorry long saga xx

Well I've been sat here with my fingers poised over the key board, desperately thinking of what I can say Jaffacake .

I know Whiff will respond and although your medical issues are different, out of all of us I think she'll be the one best placed to identify with what you are going through.

You have a huge decision to make about whether or not to consent to brain surgery and you need to be in contact with those who love and care for you, who at this extremely difficult and anxious time will put your welfare first.

Your D is not going to be one of those people so it may be the time to temporarily block any form of communication from her. She knows what the situation is so there's no need for you to go into great detail.

You could tell her that you love her but cannot cope with her unkindness at this time so until you've decided whether or not to proceed with the only treatment on offer, you will be blocking her messages.

You could also say that you hope this will only have to be a temporary measure because you want to work with her to get your relationship back on track, but now is not the time.

Although you of course miss your GC, if you decide to do this I suggest that you don't mention them. Make any response just about her and your relationship, your love for her and your desire to resolve any issues but that right now is not the time .

Smileless thank you. I am numb mentally to my daughter,beyond crying. It's about survival mode for me at the moment and having people around who will support and care. It was amazing of my neighbour to be so kind and a rather poignant reminder of how my own child is behaving. I say child but she is 41 ! As a mum they always seem to be our children but maybe all we can do is being them up with love and hope they will be a loving adult.

They will always be our children Jaffacake and despite what they do we will always love them, but that doesn't mean we have to like what they've become and how they behave and it doesn't mean that we don't have the right to protect ourselves.

Jaffacake just popped on to say I will be back. And write . Smiles is right but I will explain. But just got back from shopping. You are alone .

Aren't not are alone . My brain and hands out off sync.

Smiles I will write to you. Later . Been reading but spread myself thin as usual as lot of activity on my HPX group and my heart group. Plus craft group and other things I get myself mixed up in.

Jaffacake first off forget all thoughts of suicide you have more courage than that and it's not the answer it's saddens me when I read people saying that or as on the Black dog thread they don't want to be here anymore . As you are feeling depressed and frightened people on the Black dog thread will help you. So being on both threads should help you with both your problems. And you will see here your are not alone with estrangement and health problems. I first when on Black quiet a while ago as I had what was a trivial matter compared with what where going through.

So you are not alone and will have 2 groups of wonderful people helping you.

By the way I ramble on if make sure you have a cuppa reading this 😁.

First off your daughter who is being horrible is not your priority at the moment . I know it's hard but just ignore her and don't try and contact her . Don't tell her about anything in your life as she will only turn it round to herself and her problems . I know this is harsh but I have experience of in my case a son who wouldn't care if I lived or died .

Smiles and everyone on saved me from despair 4 years ago . My son 4 days after I saw him on my birthday sent me a text letting me know he had sent me and his sister an email. He gave me the sack as his mom his email was full of assumptions of actions I had taken and he re wrote family history. It ended I don't like you mom but love you give me some time.

At the time he sent the email he knew they had found a problem with my heart after an echocardiogram and was waiting for a bubble echocardiogram to find out if I had a hole in my heart. So I gave him time . For 7 months when I moved to live closer to the children a move of over 100 miles . I saw him and his 2 eldest boys every week they came for lunch and playtime with nannie. He told me they got excited when they realised where they were going. In February 2020 they where expecting again and it was a boy. Last time I saw my grandsons was mid March as covid restrictions in place they where 4 &2. Up till my birthday had texts ,calls ,pics and videos . Seeing him on my birthday we had to sit apart as I was bubbled with my daughter and her family. He even talked about putting down paving to make my garden safe. But said I would get someone to do it as working and family came first.

What hurts me the most is my son should have told me to my face instead he was cruel and cowardly not how he was brought up. My daughter and son had been on bad terms for years but they where always behaved when we where all together so I didn't know how bad things where between them . And it was all down to my daughter in laws jealousy of my daughter .

Anyway knew my new grandson was due late July . So I waited but heard nothing . It was my son's birthday and 2nd grandsons birthday same day in August so I sent cards and in my son's card telling him about they had found a hole in my heart and just a general letter hoping they where all ok. A cheque saying how it was to be spilt up. Plus card and 3 presents for my new grandson. The day after there birthday everything came back unopened and the babies presents crushed . A hand written letter my son said I don't want your vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near me or my family ever again . Zero contact. And that was it. Luckily my daughter was her with my grandson and she was pregnant with my youngest grandson. I opened the parents and gave them to her to give to a charity she supports that helps families expecting who need help . Luckily they where clothes and a cuddly toy. Someone probably my daughter in law had a hissy fit and crushed them .

That's when I contacted Smiles via PM took months before I could post openly on this brilliant thread and haven't shut up since. But they saved me and found I wasn't alone and haven't been since. I count the old hands as special friends and new people here as friends . It's a horrible thing to think your child who you give unconditional love and all the attention any child could have been so cruel and cowardly.

I hope you daughter isn't in to much pain after her accident with the taxi . Unfortunately ligament damage takes longer to heal than a broken bone and unfortunately she could have lasting problems. But hopefully she has a good team looking after her and will help her get full use once healed with physio and not to be frightened of riding her bike .

What else we have in common besides a child that treats us like crap when we have another one that lives and cares about us. Is I was born with a rare hereditary neurological condition. As you mention London that would be the neurologist hospital in Queen square or Queen something not far from great Ormond street.
I

Hells teeth been writing for hour lost the lot when GN went down and reloaded.
Jaffacake will be back but better have lunch. And you probably need a breather if you have read all that . Told you I ramble . But nothing in my life has been straight forward. 🤣

Try again and condense it as I write like a Norse saga.
All my life I have pains in my legs and fallen . My parents took me to doctors and children's hospital told it was growing pains and I was clumsy.
Because my extended family didn't treat as different I didn't realise I was. Grew up on private housing estate and grew up with the children their went to the infant and junior school together. Still in pain still fell all the time . But that was normal for me. Highschool I realised I was different. Big school over 4 levels fell up and down the stairs all the time and was bullied everyday for 5 years. My bullies left and I stayed to do A levels.

Took me ages to learn to swim as I couldn't co ordinate my limbs . Couldn't catch or hit a ball gave up trying to run . Learning my lessons had to do it my way. I had to write out my lessons 3 times to absorb the information but I was clever and did very well in my exams. I learnt how to hide lots of things my body did. Looking back I hid things from my parents. My dad always blamed himself as he had Dengue fever in the army but told it wasn't him as my brother was fine it was just me.

Met my husband when I was 16 and he was 18. I told him about my pain and falls but it didn't phase him. So life went on. My in laws were vile but my husband loved them but didn't like them . So he never gave up on them so I didn't either.

1988 woke one morning unable to stop my limbs jerking lasted couple of hours and the pain got worse now in all 4 limbs. Our daughter was 4 son 6 months. Two months later ended up in hospital with uncontrollable limb jerks and pain. Was in for 3 weeks couldn't see my children even for 5 mins. Hospital branded me a fake , attention seeking and mentally ill. A nurse shouted at me it's only post natal depression luckily went home next day.

Because of what was on my hospital records before my GP who knew us as a family very well so knew I wasn't mentally ill and the rest. But before I could see consultants had to see a psychiatrist. My husband hated it . Anyway she agreed it was physical not mental health condition. We used to joke I had a certificate saying I was sane.

My GP sent me to see all local consultants to do with physical health. Had my first MRI but had to go to the next county it took up a whole room . My head had to clamped down it was terrifying.

My GP finally found the best neurologist in the country Professor Marsden in neurological hospital London. He had me in for a week and ran every test available at the time . I used to be earthed before giving me an electric shock to make my limbs jerk. Best hospital I have ever stayed in food was brilliant. Had telemetry and videoed for 24 hours they saw the limb jerks but my brain waves stayed the same. Professor Marsden could tell me everything I hadn't got but not what was wrong . He prescribed tablets to help me.

In 1988 after I came out of hospital my husband said we alter our way of life to suit what I could do and be a normal family. I was hands on mom only thing I couldn't do was go out by myself. So we could go out as a family because my walking was so bad I went in a wheelchair. I had used a stick since I was 29. It's then I found out you become invisible in a wheelchair and people talked to my husband and no me it pissed him off . My idiot man had wheelchair rage if anyone cut in front of me he went for them and hit them . Told him I didn't need anyone else on my lap. He adapted our home to make life easier for me.

I was prepared to die first but it was my fit healthy husband had cancer and died 4 days after his 47th birthday in 2004. My daughter was in her final year at uni when my husband was terminal but came home to help her brother through A levels . Then son went to uni and told my daughter she had to go back. She wasn't using her education only doing temp jobs plus she had meet future husband at uni and he lived up here.

Should say my daughter met her future husband in 2003 and my son his future wife 2005.

When my son went to uni my daughter in law's parents went back to the country my daughter in law was born. They took her brother and sister who where born here. My daughter in law came to this country when she was 2 and 18 when they left but she didn't want to go . So moved up here to be close to my son and got work.

Jaffa, so very sorry for you health issues. What a wonderful kind neighbour. Concentrate on your best treatment and not your daughter who is wrapped up in herself. Life is precious and don't let an ungrateful and bitter daughter influence your decision, think of the daughter who needs and loves her mom, isn't she worth carrying on for, more than that do it for you. We are a small part of our children's life and they are a major part of ours each generation puts most of their love and energy into their own children, but most love and care for their parents and are anxious to help when things get hard. Her attitude is hard to understand so don't try. Do think some older adult children see parents as a burden as it comes at a time when they are dealing with issues themselves, but it’s no excuse. My father used to say once a duty you become a burden.
Good luck with your treatment, everyone here for you.
Whiff is more able to deal with your health issues having been through so much herself.