Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Morning everyone.

Although it wasn't what you'd planned, I'm glad you enjoyed it and had the opportunity to reflect on how the situation with your D is impacting on your health and well being.

Not contacting her until you've had your next appointment with your neurosurgeon is the right decision. With so much to contend with, the last thing you need or deserve is your D's selfish and entitled behaviour .

Hope the results for your blood tests today are OK Whiff. Thinking about your flushing issue, I wonder how many people do find it difficult with the button flush as opposed to the old fashioned handle.

Thank goodness you have the cover you have and are able to call someone out when there's a problem.

Sang with the church choir for the last time on Sunday and got a lovely card signed by everyone wishing us well .

The shed has been sorted Whiff. They didn't send the 4 parts we wanted but a replacement shed which Mr. S. had to unpack to find the 4 bars he needed and then re pack the shed.

We've had an email from the supplier telling us the order is now complete and Mr. S. thinks they wont bother collecting the shed with the missing parts, as it's not worth their while sending a delivery van and two men.

He thinks he can make use of it by making a wooden frame for the doors and if they don't collect it, will put it in the garden of our flat. I'm surprised TBH as the sheds are over £1000 but if they don't want it back, we may as well make use of it.

We're going again today with a full car load so wont be able to take the dogs. We thought the auctioneers might come this week to take everything away, but as we've not heard from them yet, I think it will be next week.

We're going to the flat on Thursday for a few days to unpack what's been taken their and hang the art work which we don't have room for in the lodge. We want to be there Saturday evening as it's the annual steam fair this weekend, and they have a lovely parade through the town's main street which our flat looks out onto.

We watched it last year and even the dogs enjoyed the show .

I'm hoping that we'll move into the lodge for good for the August bank holiday weekend; fingers crossed.

Smiles - wishing you much happiness and love and fun in your new home. Well done for embracing the future! None of us can change the past. Our only choice now is to live and love well going forwards. I wish the same for all EP and EC. Has been enough of the hurting.

Hi, everyone…Hope you’re all doing ok. 😉

Smiles - glad to hear you’re nearly there.🍾

Life rolls on here. We’ve got the baby for a full weekend at the beginning of September, so that’ll be nice.

These riots are a bit of a pain. Not round here, but one of my GCs is in Plymouth for the summer, working. He had to move his car a long way away last night, and helped out this morning clearing up damage. These people are a pest.🙄

Other than that, my ex has decided that his best plan of action, going forward, is if he moves back near me (and DD) and that I resume life as his wife. He hasn’t moved on. After 25 years lol🤐

I don’t know what he’s on sometimes. I’m still struggling with losing DH, so I’m not sure what part of anyone would think that, what I need in life, is a needy “permanent victim” personality lol

Him weaponising our ACs won’t change that,

I don’t want anyone - let alone him.🤷‍♀️

Jeez, sometimes I wonder what I’d do if I didn’t have stress to get me out of bed every day lol

Anyway, all have a nice day.💐x

DL, the longer you are on your own the more you realise you enjoy. solo. I loved my husband and we were a proper couple, i could never replace him and wish he were with me. Now I've embraced living alone I have sole use of the remote, don't cook if I don't want to. Theres a reason we divorce in the first place.

Good grief DL!!! McEnroe's mantra 'you cannot be serious' must have sprung to mind . What do your AC think?

You must be so looking forward to that weekend with your gorgeous GGD .

Feels like 'so near yet so far' ATM DL. You start off with great gusto but as time goes on, you begin to feel it draining away .

We drove home to Michael Jackson's 'Dangerous' album on Spotify which lifted our spirits. You can't beat music for making you feel better can you.

Your move sounds exciting @Smileless2012 Wishing you the best with all youre doing to start your new life!

Oh, nice little gift, the £1000 shed Smiles, only thing is, you still won't have the parts if you have taken them for the original shed . Sad you had to leave your choir, take it it's too far to go to now.

Thank you Onward .

Mr. S. already has plans that will enable him to compensate for the missing parts Yogin which will probably entail making a wooden frame to secure the doors too.

I'm surprised TBH that they don't want something so expensive back .

Yes, it's an hour's drive and I have to be there by 8.45 am plus there's the weekly hour's practice. I'll miss it and haven't yet decided whether or not to join the one at what will be our new church. They have one so I'll wait to see how I feel.

DL that’s another big complication in your life you could do without! If he does move closer will be very hard to remain unentangled, although am sure you will do your best to manage it. Lovely you will get to see your ggc in Sep though. Hope arrangements for that visit go smoothly!!

Its a shame you cant get to your old choir anymore @Smileless2012 but hopefully there'll be lots more opportunities where you're moving to, even if you don't decide to join the choir yet.

DiamondLily your ex moving closer what on earth does the idiot of a man expect ? If he comes round don't open the door,if he texts,emails or phones don't answer and block him. Also tell your children you don't want anything to do with him he is your ex for a reason. Also if he does do any of the above it's harassment and stalking which is a crime .

You have finally got the court verdict the last thing you need is more stress in your life. Your grief for your husband will never get any better and can still be overwhelming and hit you hard when you least expect it. With all that has been going on with Miss D you haven't had time to grieve properly plus supporting your daughter and family you as a loving mom put everyone first . And I talk from experience as it's what I did but didn't realise until years later what I had done but at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief. All I knew was others needed me . It was a bit easier when the children left home because I could let the tears and anger and rage out during the day instead of waiting until bedtime. But I could never relax as I had to be on call 24/7.

I didn't realise until after mom died and I got jaundice in 2017 and all I could do was think what I had done to my physical and mental health. And for the first time I needed someone 24/7 and there was no one . It's the first and only time I have been frightened living on my own and this was 13 years after my husband died. With the fear the bone crushing grief hit me hard crying was exhausting and at times as much as I wanted to cry I hadn't the energy to let the tears flow . Which only made me feel worse.

You need time for yourself and let you grief overwhelm you and let yourself feel all the things you have been holding in . You may feel you have but you will find you haven't really .. But this is my experience but I have said this on bereavement threads and had messages saying they thought I was wrong until it hit them.

I am glad you will get to see your great granddaughter and spend time with her.

Like Allsorts said you will come to like living on your own but it will take years. And come to like doing your own thing . Going out ,having meals , watching what you want on TV etc. Also you will find you want to declutter your home and make life easier for yourself. But it all takes time .

When my husband was alive everything was filed and in order and have done that since he died so when I die everything will be to hand for my daughter to sort out. Plus already planned for the day if I need more help as my physical health fails . Like I now have a gardener as I can't weed anymore it's to exhausting and haven't got the strength to get some of the weeds out plus my gardener does a better job then I did. But it means I can still potter and do the things I want to do like grow my veg and planted 2 raised planters one with herbs and the other alpines.

It's lovely living close to my daughter but we live our own lives and I am not dependant on her and never want to but. Already put her through enough and my son pre estrangement with emergency visits to GP, walk in clinic and mainly A&E. But since my 2 diagnosis of my hereditary neurological condition and heart problems and being on medication for both those days are over.

I know what it's like to have people dependant on you 24/7 and have no intention of putting my daughter through that.

Smiles Mr S can make himself a man cave with the shed they don't want back. 😁. The firm can write it off as a as faulty goods and helps with there commercial tax. I have had faulty goods and they didn't want the old one back as it's extra cost to reclaim it. Plus it means they will get a good review from you and that's what people read before buying expensive goods well it's what I do.

Smiles sorry you have to leave your old choir but thing of it as meeting a lot of new people if you join the local church choir and they will love your voice . Plus there may be other choirs in the area that you can find out about once settled into your new home. There is a whole new life for you both to explore as this move was because you wanted it for yourselves and not as a means of escaping living close to your estranged son. Plus still having the apartment means you have the best of both worlds.

I hate it when people let you down when they don't turn up when you expect them to like the auctioneers. I hope they come soon . Or I may have forgotten they did arrive 🤔.

My door bell went at 9.30 last night which was strange . When I put the outside light on and looked through my door it was my neighbour from 2 doors away so popped on a jacket as I hadn't got a dressing gown on as it was to warm. He was worried because I hadn't put my bin out and am always the first to do so. I had to go out at 7.15am for my gel printing class at the Brain Charity and was going to do it as soon as I got home, but was tired and hungry as it was after 2 when I got home. Then I just forgot which is unusual for me.

He was worried something had happened to me . I have never known such caring people best thing I ever did was move here northerners are a special breed of people . No one would have cared where I used to live or even noticed and I lived in a good part of the village. It was called a village but wasn't a cutesy village, was century ago but not when we went to live there. Must remember to put my bin out when I go out next week. First time I hadn't since moving here 5 years ago. 5 years that changed my life for the better only negative was my son dumping me but that hasn't spoilt my joy living here. Funny enough the bin men are here it's 6.58am.

Well better get up now craft group today and hair cut tomorrow. Been out everyday this week. Looks like baking week for craft group will be baking for my gel printing class as well after the comments I had yesterday about my marmalade biscuits.

Hope you are all well and doing things you want to do. Lovely to see all the support here as usual.

Aww you have a lovely neighbour Whiff! It sounds like you're living such a great and creative life.

I wonder if he knows how full your life is. I feel like they sometimes do things for a reaction (well mine does) and I'm pretty sure he stalks me online. Well done Whiff for living such a full and interesting life

Onward he knows how much I appreciate his kindness and his wife . The people in the road are all nice and my neighbour behind me . Haven't meet anyone who has been nasty to me apart from my son. 5 years tomorrow since I moved here . The old me existed and I didn't like her she didn't live . But this me I love and live my life to the full. If I hadn't moved still wouldn't know the 2 things I was born with and getting treatment , wouldn't have friends I can count on . Seeing 2 of my 5 grandson's growing up is a joy. But am still only half a person and still grieve for my husband but I know I am living the life he wanted for me and I am happy . My life is full . And of course all of you on this thread and one the other threads I pop up on.

Only problem I have is my legs swelling hopefully the blood test I had Tuesday will see if what's wrong . And able to get something to stop . Pain I am used to but hate the tightness. But my GP will let me know as soon as she gets the results.

How horrible your neighbour stalking you online. My daughter in law trolled me June 2020 on the house and home forum . It was horrible as I found out what she had written about me on Reddit. But I haven't cared for years if she is on here or not. Because everything I write about is the truth.

We all have the choice of the life we want to lead. Took me 15 years to live the life I needed and the life my husband wanted for me . But I don't regret the choices I made I couldn't abandon people who needed me even a woman I hated for 40 years. We all have to live with our own moral code and what our consciousnesses allow .

Morning everyone.

That's such a heart warming story Whiff. With so many living alone it's good to know what there are caring neighbours who notice something different and check to make sure everything's OK.

You're right about the shed, I'll suggest that Mr. S. converts it into a 'man cave'.

We came to our flat yesterday. It was a mess when we arrived with un packed boxes and three large paintings all wrapped and waiting to be hung. Mr. S. packed them really well and it was a relief to get my precious Bowie paintings on the walls.

Had to do quite a bit of rearranging in the kitchen because now this is going to be our second home, we have more to keep here. I was wondering before we came how I would feel about it no longer just being somewhere we came to occasionally, but it is lovely and really feels like home now as despite being really tired last night, I unpacked the ornaments I'd bought because I couldn't wait until today.

We were 'phoned by the estate agent yesterday, despite the survey on our house being absolutely fine, the purchasers want a damp technician to come next week. Apparently they want reassurance as they've had problems in the past.

We're not very happy TBH as we accepted their offer 2 months ago and are wondering why this is the case now. We've told the estate agent we want to know within a week of this survey (he's coming on Tuesday) that they're still going ahead or we want them to make the house available for further viewings.

We're very fortunate that we're not reliant on selling before we can buy so at least we don't have that stress to contend with.

I hope your blood test results explain the tightness in your legs Whiff and that this can be effectively treated.

I'll see what choirs are available when we move. I'd like to join the church one but they have an Evensong service every Sunday led by the choir as well as the morning service, and I don't want to commit to two services every Sunday.

Some shopping to do today and we need to see if we can register with our old dentist for when we move. No worries if we can't, as our existing one is doable at an hour or 40 minute drive away if we're here at the flat, but the one here would be more convenient.

Have a good day everyone.

Whiff I envy you your neighbours, how nice of them. I have had lovely thoughtful, helpful neighbours everywhere I have lived, till here, it's not nice. Actually, it's just van man next door, he's still not back, still parked over my property, and the psycho. next door to him, no surprise they are friends!

Smiles I remember ordering my 'mother of the bride' outfit online, it came slightly too tight and I thought it would be uncomfortable sitting eating & drinking in it all day, so I tried to arranged to send it back, but they said no, keep it and will send you another. The new one was smaller! so, I took the first one to a dressmaker and she let the faces out so it was more comfortable. Moral of the story; don't buy an expensive outfit online It was £700 [back then, a lot] about half of what it would have been in Coco. I still have both in my wardrobe

Smiles it a lovely feeling to see boxes filling up when packing but it's a relief when you unpack them and find places for everything.

That's the frustrating thing about selling the length of time it takes but surely your buyers surveyor did the damp meter test the first time he came . I know my first buyer had a proper survey done took 3 hours , the second buyer didn't have one and the buyer who finally went ahead and brought my old house only had the 10 mins mortgage survey done.

I used the same surveyor my son had as he said he was very good . I had the mid range one which covered everything remember it cost £450 but it was money well spent as he covered everything. Had his email report the same day and after reading it 3 times had a list of questions I needed answering. Spoke to him on the phone next day and he put my mind at rest . I asked for a paper report and had it the next day. So had a plan of action already for my move.

My life works on routine and planning ahead so knew which order to do things .Had recommendations for tradesmen but the ones I found myself where all good. And didn't charge as much as tradesmen in the black country.

Thankfully you could buy your new lodge without relying on the sale of your house.

There is no need for selling and buying to take so long as everything is on computers . Thank goodness I will never move again unless I end up in a home but fighting to make sure that won't happen for hopefully 20 years or never.

That was the only worry about my move Yogin would I like the neighbours but knew they couldn't be any worse than my old ones. But I have found Northerners to be a special breed of people apart from. 2 taxi drivers who won't help me in the car I haven't encountered any nasty people . People here are so open and helpful . Since moving here I soon get to sleep every night quickly and do things I never did in my old house like putting my pjs on after my dinner. Funny things I do here which I never did before my move. But like I have said I found me again and living a full life .

Smiles if not a church choir there may be just a choir . I know here various charities have there own choirs,U3A , and just groups of people that love to sing. I take it Mr S will still be able to do his bowling.

The work on my daughter's new kitchen will start luckily there is plumbing in the garage so the builder will plumb in their washing machine for them so they can still use it. Plus put the tumble dryer and fridge will go into the garage. There washing machine is new as the old one packed up but will be having all new appliances. Offered to store anything they want here and use of my kitchen. But like me she is well organised .

Well better get out of bed and get my day started . Greenhouse needs attention plus plants to dead head and cut back. H

Hope everyone has some sunshine .

Morning everyone.

Another lovely day here today and after such a long stretch of wet and chilly weather, these last few weeks have been lovely.

It must have been a full survey Whiff because he was there well over two hours. Even though we didn't need a mortgage, we had a full survey done but despite that had a lot of problems all to do with water. The house only became totally dry after we had the roof terrace decking re done last May at a cost of about 4.5K. That's typical of us though, we get a house just the way we want it, and then we move .

I'm sure there will be other choirs. I really would love to join a church choir again but two services every Sunday doesn't appeal. I'll have to see.

Mr. S. will re join the outdoor bowling club he was a member of before we moved. He's seen a couple of friends who are still members and they're delighted that he'll be returning next summer as he really is rather good .

There's an indoor club about 10 miles from the new lodge and he's already been accepted for this year, to start when the summer season finishes in September.

Some touching up with filler and paint today where we've moved things around and there's been one or two knocks where we bought things in. Mr. S. is on filler duty and I'll be painting.

Out for an Italian tonight and going to the new lodge tomorrow to take the lawn mower, garden tools and my bike through which have been kept in the shed here.

We've decided not to keep the replacement shed now minus the parts we needed as it's much bigger than we need, and the work involved dismantling the one we already have here isn't worth it. It took us all day to erect it in the first place.

Mr. S. has an attic space here to board out for storage, so there's enough to do. He's contacted the company asking them to collect; no response. If we see our new neighbour who has 'shed envy' we'll ask him if he wants it. Mr. S. will explain which parts are missing but if he thinks he can do something with it, and can pick it up we'll give it to him. If not, we'll advertise it locally and failing that, I'm afraid it's off to the tip.

Such a waste, like our wall unit that will be broken up this week so we can get rid of it. I chuckled to myself the other evening because although it's going to be scrapped, I still used a coaster to protect the wood when I put my coffee down .

Old habits die hard don't they.

Looks like you're getting everything done for your move Smiles well done. Hope you give that shed to someone; you can advertise it on a 'free' site like 'Market place' on FB.

I cleared out my shed yesterday, which I've been longing to do for years, [even though I've only been here 2.5yrs] . We just squashed everything in when we first put it up and then when I bought my son a new bed, his old mattress was squashed in too . So couldn't get to anything at the back.

Mattress & all my old yoga mats; to the tip. Put Lawn racker on Market place for sale, only used3 times. The mess on the floor, from mouse getting into birdfeed sack! Only buy smaller bags of bird seed now & keep it on a high shelf indoors. Swept it all out, and can now walk up & down to the end of the shed! Bought some shed hooks for son's bikes and another rack to hang garden tools on, so all sorted. Well done me, & son.

Well done Yogin and DS. It feels good to get a job done especially when you've been putting it off .

Hi hope everyone has some sunshine in their day.
I am with my younger daughter and husband in Bristol. She is recovering from the accident she had 8 weeks ago when an uber knocked her off her bike. She still walks with a limp from ligament damage to her ankle..She is now on waiting list for gynae surgery to remove an ovarian tumour which was found on scan after her accident. It looks like September or October for surgery. Lovely to hug her and tears with laughter.
I had my appointment with neurosurgeon at St George's hospital last week. He was very nice and talked through the potential risks and complications which could happen with surgery for my brain condition. We have decided not to pursue surgery and there is no other treatment.
On looking at brain scans he has seen lesions which may be indicative of ms.If it is ms this would account for a lot of the problems that I have been having. He has referred me to an ms specialist at St George's. Strange good and bad news.
My other daughter has not contacted me although she knew I had this appointment. She text my friend from Ireland asking him what had happened and he told her with no response from her. He has suggested we meet on Tuesday and she will consider it. I am reluctant as feel I will tell her what I really think of her behaviour and that will be final.
What should I do ?

Hi Jaffacake. That must have been a difficult decision to make, and now you've made it I hope that with the MS specialist at St. George's you'll find ways to enable you to manage.

What should you do? I can only say what I think I would do which is easier because I'm not facing your challenges and if I was, I can only hope that I could do so with the courage you have.

I would tell her that if she wants to know anything in the future she's to ask me, that I'm telling my friend and her sister neither of them will provide her with any information in the future.

If she agreed to meet up with me I would tell her then, if not I would text her.

Only you can judge whether or not you're prepared to risk telling her what you really think of how she's behaved, so you need to consider what it is you want and what you can cope with.

Is this the kind of relationship you really want with your D?
There's no wrong answer here because what is right for you is the right answer.

Jaffacake don't tell your daughter if you get no response or abuse it will hurt you all the more. And tell your friend in Ireland not to speak to her about you again. It's none of her business. I was born disabled so my son grew up with a disabled mom . When I text him to tell him I finally had my diagnosis and I was sending a letter and not to send it back unopened. It was a copy of my neurologists letter plus telling him how to get tested if he wanted. I never heard a thing . And that hurt me a lot. I didn't expect him to see or speak to me but not even at least you know mom or thank you for letting me know.

Don't let your daughter hurt you anymore than she has already. Concentrate on your own health and your daughter's forth coming operation.

My sister in law has MS and had it for nearly 30 years. There are better treatments available now than when she first had it. But it's still a hard journey to travel but you have been suffering for years and the treatment for MS hopefully will help you have a better quality of life.

Jaffa Well you made your hard decision on the op, so well done on that and if it turns out to be MS you will then get treatment for it and hopefully be and feel lots better. Hope your youngest daughter gets through her op ok and recovers quickly.

As for what would I do in your situation with your eldest D:
Best to do it face to face when you meet up with her. I agree that she should be told that only you will update her on your medical journey. I think you need to dig deep and try to get through to her how much she is hurting you in your hour of need. You have to say something about how it is affecting you badly, on top of all your worries with your health. Say: please can we move on and be friends. Good luck xx

Morning everyone.

I think that anyone who gives your D information is enabling her behaviour Jaffacake. She's finding out what's going on without having to contact you directly, and this is giving her another way of hurting you.

Knowing the seriousness of your condition and not responding to the one whose passed this on, is another way of making you feel that she doesn't care.

Several years ago when we were visiting DS in Aus. Mr. S. went into hospital because we thought he was having a heart attack. A very frightening time and ES knew what was going on because DS 'phoned him.

No message from ES for his dad was very upsetting and that was a 'one off'; this is a constant situation for you.