Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Well, your girl K, now she has a new partner, may herself decide to move house Smiles, but you can still have your meals out where-ever you both may live.

They're taking our current lodge in part exchange Yogin and K may well decide to move from here at some point.

It is easier knowing that she's more settled since losing S. When she died, I told K what whatever decisions she made had to be what was right for her, and bless her she said the same to us yesterday.

Spring sounds like you enjoyed yourself at the wedding and your outfit sounds beautiful.
Thankfully for me no weddings or family events that my son and daughter in law would have been invited to on my side of the family as he cut ties with them as well. So zero chance of ever seeing them again.

Smiles glad breaking the news to K wasn't to hard so glad she has a partner again as she's still young and got the rest of her life ahead of her and her much loved late partner wouldn't want her to be on her own.

Down sizing I found freeing . It decluttered my house but more importantly I let go of things I didn't need anymore. It decluttered my mind. I didn't bother even opening boxes that my husband had put in the loft they just went to the charity shop. Only boxes from the loft I opened where the children's toys and clothes. All the cuddly toys had gone funny only way I can think to explain what happened to then so they went to the tip. The children choose which of thier toys they wanted to keep and what books. Rest went to charity . They didn't want any of their baby clothes . They had already said when they left home for good anything they left in their rooms they didn't want. .

I am list mad and made lists of what to keep and what to get rid of . Plus lists of who I had to let know I was moving .

I marked each box with a number and contents but still ended up with 9 packs of 16 toilet rolls which I hadn't written on any boxes. 🤦

I thought getting rid of things like my wedding dress would be hard but it wasn't. Not the style anyone would want but lot of people buy old clothes for the fabric. I even let go of the condolence cards and letters . I had read them at the time of my husband dieing but not since and I didn't need to read them again .

You mention your memory box for your grandchildren are you going to keep it or let it go?

I decided at the time of my sons email not to make a memory box as for me it seemed pointless and doubt they would have had it anyway. Especially after in the August when I had the birth presents crushed for my new grandson and the cards where all unopened and my son's letter . I do have photo albums which I was going to give him once the covid lockdowns where over as they are all his baby photos and as he grew up. They have been on my mind of late . May leave a letter for my daughter or may be my brother if he is still alive when my life is coming to an end to give them to my grandsons but wait until I have been dead 2 years and a month. Because my son can't contest my will by then. But will decide later as no intention of dieing any time soon .

Got my sit fit class this afternoon. But won't take my ankle weights as having problems with my lower legs and ankles they are very swollen and more painful than usual and my left arm is also swollen more painful than usual. But already made an appointment 3 weeks ago to see the nurse as they have my blood test results. Normally never have to wait that long for an appointment but with my busy social calendar 🤣. Had to fit her in.

Smiles you and Mr S enjoy the next chapter in your lives. Bet you son is pleased for you and he will beable to have a tour of your new home via video and zoom . Just realised it's not called that anymore. Forgot what my daughter said it was called. Anyway you know what I mean.

Hopefully you have all got the sunshine today. Take care everyone.

I'm already feeling 'lighter'and that's just thinking about what we'll be getting rid of Whiff.

I've already started by putting glasses, crockery and a couple of cooking appliances I wont be keeping into 2 cupboards, and my Christmas crockery out of a display case as everything else in there will go.

We're letting go of the memory box Whiff and I'm so pleased that we were both wanting to do so. These decisions that we never thought we'd be able to make show us how far we've come don't they .

I think we all did things at the start that we thought would help us through the awful early trauma of the separation. I didn’t keep a memory box, but I did savour any pictures of my EC that they sent to a sibling. Now I’ve made it clear I don’t want to see any pictures. What’s the point? There isn’t going to be a grand reconciliation, which for years I’d let myself believe/hope for. We don’t feature in their life or thinking, and I can now genuinely say they rarely feature in ours. It’s not a conscious choice, but the reality of extended absence and lack of relationship. We’ve all here had to let go and rebuild, and unbelievably discover there is a good life to be lived post estrangement. It isn’t the life sentence of all consuming grief it once appeared to be. Enjoy the new chapter Smiles, and keep looking forwards!

Smiles so glad you are feeling freer and letting go of the memory box.

Spring I have few photos of my sins eldest 2 on display but they where 4 and 2 when taken. All photos of my son and daughter in law where put in a cupboard after his letter and presents and cards came back unopened. Haven't watched the videos of the boys since 2020.

My daughter's eldest did ask once who the boys where so I told him their names he asked if I played with them I said I didn't see them. Didn't say they where his cousin's as he knows what cousins are as he has 2 on his dad's side. When I talk about to my 2 grandson's about things their Mom did as a child I never mentioned her brother and even when my daughter and me are on our own we never mention him as it just makes her mad at him and won't put what she calls her sister in law.

Excepting I will never see them again was hard but decided last autumn after giving him a final chance only the 3rd text I sent since 2020 and had abuse back I am done. It no longer hurts me my husband dieing hurts everyday day but learnt to live with that . My son chose his path . And I have chosen mine. And happier for it.

Letting go of hope is hard but we all have to do it as we are the only ones hurting . My son and daughter in law don't care how much they hurt me but one day when my grandsons have partners of their own I gleefully hope they get a taste of their own medicine. Sounds spiteful but I would never be cruel and cowardly to anyone . If I have a problem with anyone then I say it to their face. When I think what my in laws put us through and still I looked after my mother in law and hated her for 40 years. My son knows all that went on and both him and my daughter in law knew her and where on the receiving end of her vileness. And yet they have done the same to me. They have turned into my in laws and that's sad. His dad would never have put up with the crap I have . And my son was so much like his dad in his ways no idea why he changed but do think covid lockdowns gave him the perfect excuse to dump me.

Moving here gave me back my life and my son hasn't spoilt that. I am happier than I have been since my husband died. Having my 2 diagnosis is a big part of that. Seeing my daughter and watching the youngest grow from 4 days old has been a big part. But I am very independent and went out and made new friends at my sit fit class but it's my craft group that I have friends who I can count on and they me. Plus have wonderful neighbours . Well better stir my stumps off to see the nurse this morning.

Have a good day sorting out Smiles and Mr S. And everyone else have a good day.

I'm surprised you're getting rid of your memory boxes Smiles, I think you should keep them. I know you won't have much storage, but you can get a big shed next to your lodge, when I viewed some lodges, years back, most had them, the plastic type. Even though I have very little storage, I did keep the memory boxes.

Whiff I still have some soft toys from when we lived in Africa, they are handmade; a Winnie the poo bear, Andy pandy & a few others. They are still, almost, as new, I keep them on top of my wardrobe, my GDs are allowed to play with them, but I don't offer them, just if they catch their eye and they ask to. I also have a bag of baby clothes from my AC & some knitted items that my mum made.

I know it must have been a hard decision Smiles to get rid of your memory boxes, but like Yogi, I'm surprised you are disposing of them.
Could you not slim them down a bit to be easier to store?

I didn’t keep a memory box but put money away for her. To buy presents and cards for birthdays not shared was not for me. EC will not have been told about us in a loving way if at all, parents have to justify their actions. My gd got in touch with me and I love her to bits and she has the money now but the many years we had without contact means that I am a tiny part of her life and I missed all her milestones. If I could advise anyone estranged I would say, put yourself first, they are not bothering about you. Of course it’s easy to say after 12 years of beating myself up but non of my heartbreak was worth it and no one listen. Now I would not welcome reconciliation as I couldn’t get past what’s happened it was cruel

Morning everyone.

I'm surprised too Yogin and Bridie, surprised at how easy it was to make the decision to get rid of the memory box.

Mr. S. unscrewed the plinth on the front that had their names on yesterday, and emptied the contents which was mostly cards. He told me after he'd done it because he thought I would have found it upsetting to do it myself. Bless him, but I wouldn't have done.

We were so broken when we moved here and now we're preparing to leave, I see our time here was a time for us to really begin to heal and put our lives back together again. We've come as far as we can living here, so it's time to begin another new chapter in our lives and that new chapter doesn't need the memory box.

I know we'll never get over it, heal completely or even fully come to terms with what's happened. There will never be a time when we don't miss the son we once had and the GC we never knew.

It's always going to be a work in progress but I'm thankful that as time goes by, we don't have to work as hard as we used too.

That is my advice too Allsorts and yes you're right, after 12 or 11.5 years it is easy to say but it was that need to put us first that was the driving force behind our decision to move here 7.5 years ago.

Now I would not welcome reconciliation as I couldn't get past what's happened it was cruel that's how I feel Allsorts but more than that is the fear. The fear that he could do it again and we just wouldn't be strong enough to survive it for a second time.

Yesterday was hard. I had my last singing lesson and told the first friend I made here our news. She's 87 and we met when she came and sat with us the first time we went to the church we used to go too.

We'll still see one another as we'll be bringing the dogs here every 6 weeks to be groomed and it takes 3 hours, so plenty of time to catch up.

The estate agent is coming this morning to go through the paperwork and take photo's, then we have someone from the auction house coming this afternoon to take photo's of everything they're happy to take for sale.

The packing boxes, bubble wrap and tissue paper we ordered on line arrived yesterday so we'll start packing tomorrow.

When we moved here I just couldn't face packing so we paid the removal firm to do it for us but this time, I'm simply excited and looking forward to the day when we go to our new home, for good.

Allsorts exactly right: cruel, very cruel and heartless, what our loved children did to us! I have a savings account for my lost GC, I put monies in for Xmas & birthdays, I stopped at the point when I had to draw a line under the longing for a reconciliation and move on with my life and get my heart back beating normally again. So, there is still a nice chunk of money waiting for them.

Smiles I'm so glad to hear how happy & excited you are at your move; it all sounds wonderful. xxx

Thank you Yogin xxx

Smiles I could never trust my son again so I would rather be as I am. He was cruel and cowardly the way he ended our relationship like your son . Even though I love him but the son I knew . There would always be a wall between us. And wouldn't have the patience I had to be messed about like I was. I am no longer the mom he knew. I think I am new and improved 🤣🤣🤣.

I really enjoyed packing myself and set myself a goal of doing 2-3 boxes a day . I started one room at time leaving the kitchen until last . Made myself laugh wondering why I ever kept somethings. I must say I was ruthless getting rid of things unfortunately once I had the bungalow as I wanted it over the couple of years to get it just so realised I need to buy replacements of things I got rid of 🤦. But found that fun .

With your beautifully painted hand rails the photos of your home will look lovely. When viewers come through your front door and see the stairs that's the first thing they will see .

Allsorts .Yogin is right what you say what our children have done is very cruel and I bet you any money if they are asked if they see us they will say she doesn't bother with us . And not the truth that they don't bother with us. Think their tongues would shrivel up if they told the truth.

Afternoon everyone.

The appointment with the estate agent went very well. He saw the house last year when we first thought about doing this, and said our house is an estate agent's dream as it's in 'move in' condition.

Not quite so positive with the auction house as there are two easy chairs, a beautiful display/drinks cabinet wall unit and a couple small pieces they're not interested in.

I'm sure the Heart Foundation will take the chairs and smaller items but probably not the cabinet. I hope someone will want it because it would be such a shame to have to break it up and dump it.

Mr. S. has already taken some things to a charity shop and we're going to start packing this afternoon. We're starting with everything we don't want; crockery, glasses, cooking pots and ornaments, small pictures and mirrors and my soft toy collection which consists mostly of ET's and Disney.

A bit of a surprise yesterday when our lovely girl said she was thinking about buying ours and renting out her's . I don't think she will TBH but it would be an unexpected outcome if she did wouldn't it.

Smiles unless your cabinet has safety glass no one will take it. Same with soft furnishings unless they are fire retardant label with kite mark no one will have them

Is there a buy nothing site in your area. There is up here for each area. You join and post a picture of what you want rid of plus description and dimensions and just your phone number no name . It's how I got rid of some of my things once I had unpacked. People just collect from your home. My daughter has gotten rid of things that way . And my craft friends have had things for nothing. One had a beautiful bed for her son it had never been used mattress in original packaging.

It's a nice idea but would she pay the asking price ? As it's a 4 bed in a good area I imagine it's worth a bit especially if it's near schools and amenities. I paid £220k for my bungalow nearly 5 years ago it's now worth £325k.

Enjoy your decluttering .

It does have safety glass Whiff but with new builds being much smaller these days, I think it's too big. The upholstery is all suitably labelled as it's all post late 1980's when the rules changed.

Yes, there is a site like that here and Mr. S. has already put some things on.

She'd have to pay a fair price, we know how low we're prepared to go and the asking price will give us room to negotiate. We just need one prospective buyer to want it don't we .

We've just finished packing all the ornaments in my largest display case that I don't want and a cupboard full of glasses and all taken to a local charity shop.

The huge roll of bubble wrap we bought makes it so much easier and we have someone on their way to pick up a Dualit coffee machine we've only used a couple of times, and they're paying £45.00 for it (£189 new).

If I start to bore you all, let me know but I'm just so excited .

Smiles you could never be boring. Have you read my rambles they could send you to sleep 🤣. Just getting one buyer who goes through with the sale as you well know no is the problem. Have you told your solicitor you are putting your house on the market if so make sure they send you all the forms to fill in ready for when you get a buyer. And as you know beware of people who say they are cash buyers as they are liars. Also set rules of how many people you will allow to view your house at a time. I only allowed 2 adults and no teenage children. Plus people had to leave their shoes in the porch. But it is still your home you set the rules. I got slated about the no shoes rule on a house and home thread ,but one of the posters wish she had done that as a very expensive rug got ruined and had to throw it out. I showed my house myself that way any questions people had I could answer but I never volunteered any information. When my house sale fell through the second time that's when I joined GN but found I wasn't on my own. But you know doubt remember all this from when you sold and moved into your now house.

Yogin did anyone ever move into the apartment after your neighbour died? How is your son coping with his new router?

My gardener came yesterday looks beautiful now have space for new plants . He is coming once a fortnight to keep the weeds at bay. And he put my bench out for me . Going into the garden this morning and putting my hebes into the ground now all the weeds have gone and he moved a big rock for me.

Hope you all have a good day.

*Smiles" Sue Ryder do free furniture collection and I found them a bit more flexible about what they will take than BHF.
Lovely to see you so excited!

I love your rambles Whiff.

We're going to have the estate agent show potential buyers round so we wont have the dogs here. They're very friendly and but not everyone likes dogs, and they follow me all over the house. Anyone who says they're a cash buyer has to prove they have the funds. That's what we had to do when we bought this house as we were able go ahead before selling our other property.

Enjoy your gardening. I'm going to do some packing this afternoon while Mr. S. is bowling.

Thanks for the info eddie. There's a Sue Ryder in town so we'll have a word with them.

Yes, keep updating us Smiles we are all interested in how it's going, sounds like you're doing a good job already.

Viewers always took their shoes off when they viewed my house, they always asked and I'd say 'yes please'.

Whiff the upstairs flat is about to go on the market, so fingers & toes crossed for a good neighbour.

My son is enjoying his new work schedule: 3 days off, 4 on.

Yogin fingers and toes crossed you will have a good neighbour. Glad your son is enjoying his new work schedule.

I didn't realise it was father's day until I heard it on the radio. Made me remember the first fathers day after my husband died. My son was in general studies at college and the teacher asked what they where doing for fathers day . Which was a strange thing to ask 16-17 year olds. My son said nothing . The teacher told him he was awful for not doing anything for his dad. My son stood up and said his xxxxxxx dead and walked out followed by his best friend. I was very angry as I had told the college my husband had died and could teachers not ask my son anything about his dad and if his behaviour changed as long as it was disruptive was because he was grieving. I told the college he wouldn't be attending general studies again and they said he could still take his exam and they would make sure he had all the lessons to do at home.

Funny I hadn't thought about that since my husband died. Wonder if he still remembers his dad and tells his sons about him.

Whiff I'm sure I remember you telling that story before. When I went in Tesco and saw all the Father's Day gifts & cards, I did think of those C without dads, including mine [although he is not died, they never see him].

Yogin most likely as I repeat myself even in real life. All part of the joys of HPX . I can say the same thing in a sentence and not remember I have already said it. Plus forget what I am saying . But that's me but I am not weird anymore I know it's my HPX and not alone as others with it do the same . Like dropping food down me, choking on my own salvia , falling , walking with a strange gait and all the other things my body does.

Lovely sunny day here today. Circuit training at sit fit this afternoon. Then collapse on the sofa with my legs up. My dam ankles swollen again and my left arm. Oh the joys of being me 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Meeting my beat friend in Chester tomorrow for the day. Lunch in M&S then shopping. Cake later in a nice tea shop.

Enjoy your day today Whiff all sounds lovely.

I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't rain today as I want to get out in the garden; mow the lawn and tidy up. I've done one side, which is looking lovely, now need to do the other. Everything is establishing now, when I first got here there wasn't a single plant or flower, now it's full and everything is blooming lovely .

Does anyone else get this: when typing, it suddenly jumps into the middle of the paragraph without you realising, so you have to delete and sort it out

Going to put some roses on my dad's resting place this morning, for Father's Day.