Covert Narcissist Daughter

You have to protect yourself from abuse. You matter.

Trixie, I’m so sorry. I have found there's nothing you can do, they hold all the cards, it does affect the children very much as they get older and as they mix more they realise. I have been estranged many years, I am dead to her and my heart broke, I couldn't stand the walking on eggshell and the lies she told to justify her actions I lost all my self esteem so cut off, I have never had any physical abuse, that’s another league. Worrying fir gc.
One lady on here said she controlled her narcissistic dil by the velvet rope technique, you could look it up. I didn’t bother as she would not have stood it. I think your dil will need you before you realise as she knows she can trust you with the
gc. A narcissist doesn’t change.

Abuse, by anyone, is never acceptable. There are no excuses.

You need to protect yourself.💐

I am so sorry to read this. I know what torture it is having people like this in your life, especially when they are your own flesh and blood.
Unlike what others may say I do believe there is hope.
That hope is for you. Don't feel you are in any way to blame for your AC's behaviour.
Try not to worry too much about your grandchildren either, as this will only add to your anxiety.
Physical abuse is unacceptable and should be reported to the police. What do you have to lose? I find narcissists love attention from people they see as having authority ie police, solicitors, judges even social workers etc. They try to get them on their side but sometimes they fail.
Seeing a narcissist fail is rather likewatching a fly upside down working its legs in the air.
Manipulation is what they are experts at- they will try anything and often it is only afterwards you realise you were manipulated. They are clever at this but not much else.
Know your boundaries! Decide what you want from your own life and try to live it without her getting into your head.
Off-load onto friends and other family- don't be afraid of getting these things out in the open.People won't believe you at first but tell the truth and keep telling it.
One of the best things I did was offload to a very sympathetic GP. He admitted this is becoming more and more common but there was nothing he could do but listen.
Finding people who understand and support you is absolutely vital,
I wish you well.

It is so sad. She will not change, but will need you in future to help her out with the children. Please don’ allow yourself to be used.

You are not a fool Trixie. Narcissists excel at manipulation and control and the abuse of their chosen victim. Denying you your GC is another way your D has to emotionally abuse you. She's stopped contact because she can and because she knows how distraught you will be.

The only way to 'win the game' with the narcissist is to stop playing and you need firm boundaries to do this. If a 'phone call becomes abusive; end it. If you receive abusive texts and/or emails don't respond.

Despite the desire to see your GS, resist the overwhelming urge you'll have to contact her, wait for her to contact you.

Physical abuse is particularly concerning so if possible if you are going to meet up, do so somewhere public or if it's to be in your home and it's possible to do so, have someone else there too.

Carenza is right, she wont change which is why you must do what you can to protect yourself

My neighbour is in a similar situation. She has 3 adult children all with their own kids.

One daughter has a severely disabled son so she has always needed loads of help. The other daughter has just one child but is very “needy” and childlike despite being a trained solicitor. The son fell out with his Mum because he felt they were being supported more than him so they have not spoken for years.

Now the solicitor daughter has intimated that the same thing may happen with her because, although her child does not need childminding any longer as they are 14, she has a dog and makes her Mum take it out every day as she works full time. She is also saying her Mum should only take holidays during school holidays as she will be off to care for the dog. Her Mum is worried that they may fall out but upset as they just bought a lovely caravan to go away in. She is so scared of upsetting her daughter that she dare not suggest putting the dog in kennels. meanwhile the caravan sits there and used just one weekend since last summer.

I have been there, including the physical abuse, she (17) stamped on my shin 4 times, my leg was in a terrible mess for months (and still is very discoloured after 6 yrs and my circulation there isn't good), but I retaliated and pulled her hair - a friend of hers heard my screams and saw me do it. (They've fallen out since and he has been heard saying that he lied for her) I called the police, she was taken away and after I threw her out. She was extremely lucky as my best friend took her in, but that ruined our friendship sadly. I had to drop contact. THEN, the Police called me in, and despite the mess she had made of my leg, it turned out they were going to prosecute ME! I went nuts had many pictures of my leg, it was still bad, and it was eventually dropped!

She has since grown up, I see my granddaughters and since the death of her sister in 2022 we are much closer, although she still has maybe a slightly closer relationship with my friend.

I will say that the more you try to contact, the worse it'll be sadly. It's very hard to do but essential. Just respond to her contact if there is any.

As for the 'solicitor with the dog', she should take the caravan and dog and go on holiday Ridiculous!.

Pandering to other people rarely works, especially if they are being unreasonable.

“You” need to set your own boundaries, and live your life.

ACs need to realise that they cannot always have all things their way, as we all need to. That’s life.😗

MadeInYorkshire

I have been there, including the physical abuse, she (17) stamped on my shin 4 times, my leg was in a terrible mess for months (and still is very discoloured after 6 yrs and my circulation there isn't good), but I retaliated and pulled her hair - a friend of hers heard my screams and saw me do it. (They've fallen out since and he has been heard saying that he lied for her) I called the police, she was taken away and after I threw her out. She was extremely lucky as my best friend took her in, but that ruined our friendship sadly. I had to drop contact. THEN, the Police called me in, and despite the mess she had made of my leg, it turned out they were going to prosecute ME! I went nuts had many pictures of my leg, it was still bad, and it was eventually dropped!

She has since grown up, I see my granddaughters and since the death of her sister in 2022 we are much closer, although she still has maybe a slightly closer relationship with my friend.

I will say that the more you try to contact, the worse it'll be sadly. It's very hard to do but essential. Just respond to her contact if there is any.

As for the 'solicitor with the dog', she should take the caravan and dog and go on holiday Ridiculous!.

Gosh, you poor thing.

The caravan belongs to the solicitors Mother who desperately wants to use it herself.

Primrose, your friend is being bullied. She needs to be the grown up now. Tell her daughter she’s going away for a month to her caravan, that shes suffering with stress, that she can only walk her dog a few times a week after that . Her daughter’s child and dog not the grandmothers. She will cut her daughter off no doubt but she must be prepared as it will happened sooner or later. The demand will get more extreme. Trixie I do hope you are putting yourself first for once.

What about your SIL is he able to help at all? He may be suffering at her hands as well. Perhaps he can provide a route to letting you see your GC.

Goodness, I’ve never experienced any of these physical behaviours but our adult children can be a bit manipulative at times, nothing ever to the extent of these children. You poor parents, you simply don’t deserve this. To be honest I’d be utterly horrified if any of our 5 behaved like this either to each other or to myself or DH.

There is one important fact you must understand about a covert narcissist...

They know their behaviour is wrong and they continue to do it anyway.

This means gaslighting and trying to convince you that things did not happen the way you remember, or that you deserved it. Psychologically that is the worst thing one human being can ever do to another.

They don't get help at this stage, they have done too much wrong on purpose. They will go to their graves justifying their behaviour and again, part of that is convincing YOU you deserved it. No matter what you see on the surface, underneath they are a screaming ball of shame desperately trying to go paper over the cracks so they can pretend to be good to the rest of the world.

Walk away. Get the professional support you need. No matter how much it hurts your mental health will recover over time and it will be worth it.

If she abuses you physically then report her to the Police. Don't let her get away this sort of behaviour.. it is serious and she is responsible..

Due to their over inflated sense of self and lack of empathy, narcissists rarely experience guilt or shame tending to only be affected by their treatment of others if it affects them negatively.

They don't care about the feelings of others.

i don't think narcissists do feel shame, even deep down.
that's why they are so effective at what they do, unburdened by any self doubt or reflection.
they look down on the rest of us for being such weaklings, bothered by wondering AIBU.
for them, that's like seeing a clear way into the citadel, easy peasy.

dear OP, knowledge is power.
don't let them get you down.
have you looked on youtube; there are many excellent videos addressing these issues.
see esp dr les carter, dr ramini etc.
good luck.

i would be worried about abuse for children if she abuses you does she abuse the kids

💗

It has been almost a year since I spoke to my daughter. She has not been physically abusive, but psychologically and emotionally abusive. I was married to a narcissistic abusive (not physically) addict. I divorced 15 years ago and he has since passed away. Throughout her life, D has told me things like, I don’t care if you live or die. I was one of those who paid and paid and paid financially. Now that the money stream has stopped, she told me if I did not talk to her about how terrible I have been to her all her life, she needed to back off. She went on to accuse me of all sorts of lies, so I said if this was the direction she was going to take with me, I would end the conversation. I told her I love and any further contact was up to her. Since then she has lied and maligned me on line, in person with many people we both know, and has accused me of doing so many of the hurtful things she has done. I know better than to even try to defend myself because she will use any information or contact against me. I miss her and her family, but I know I have made the right choice despite also losing mutual friends. The remainder of friends, I do not dare to talk to because they may tell her and that nasty maligning will start all over again. So, each day I start and end with surrounding her with love, light, wellness and healing. I do the same for myself, but I add protection to that list. This is all I can do until she truly gets the help she needs and heals.

I’m so sorry Peacelily, there was no other way for you, I hope you get the strength to rebuild a good life for yourself..

They test people to see what they can get away with. You just have to be firm and stand up to them. I wish I had realised this when I first got married but it was only much later that all these various mental problems were acknowledged.

I feel so sad to read these posts. I had never come across a narcissist until my ex son in law. I have distanced myself from this person now but his children continue to suffer as does my daughter as they co parent. He has to control. They only care about themselves and how important they are. Dealing on a daily basis with narcissistic behaviour is so very hard. Unless it is physical abuse generally from my experience the police really don’t want to know. As said above this type of person loves those in authority and expert at manipulating them. Some see through the lies but some don’t.

My advice is stay well away protect yourself. Where children are involved it is heartbreaking …