DIL ignores sister

I agree eazybee, that is certainly the case with our ES and his wife despite being raised by both parents in a loving and caring home.

It remains inexplicable to us how he's allowed himself to be controlled and dominated by his wife especially as it is in stark contrast to how he was raised.

eazybee

As always in these situations the key lies with the sons.
They are totally in thrall to their wives, who in contrast to their own mothers, are domineering, controlling and stop at nothing to get their own way. In two cases I know well, both mothers raised their sons single-handed after messy divorces, and the sons were determined to build a happy home with a hands-on father , therefore would not dream of opposing their wives and wrecking their dream.
Very hard.

The key lies with self-aware mothers of adults. Quite often the mothers who view their sons' wives as domineering are the mothers who are used to being the primary figure in their sons' lives. They tend to have issues with multiple partners of their sons, yet fail to see the common individual each dispute (themselves).

In these situations, trauma from divorce unfortunately leads to emotional co-depenedence on their sons. They then struggle to adjust to new family dynamics. Mother views son as her own advocate, rather than individual adult fathers/husband. I have even seen it with my own son in law's mum. These threads are filled with other examples. A son refusing to wreck his happy home should be vewied as virtuous quality to a mother who cares more for the happiness of her children than herself.

DiamondLily

I don’t know the OP, her sister, or anyone else in the family. If this has been posted elsewhere, then I still don’t know. I don’t know the family dynamics.

But, as a general comment, I would say that coercive control can exist within a relationship, or marriage. I think it’s recently become illegal.

I think to describe the victims as “spineless” is a bit harsh - control can creep up, undermining the other person in stages. It’s insidious.

Men or women can be coercive.

But, as I say, I don’t know the OP, and it might not be the case anyway.🙂

Good post DL.
And believe you me, I have cause to know.

As always in these situations the key lies with the sons.
They are totally in thrall to their wives, who in contrast to their own mothers, are domineering, controlling and stop at nothing to get their own way. In two cases I know well, both mothers raised their sons single-handed after messy divorces, and the sons were determined to build a happy home with a hands-on father , therefore would not dream of opposing their wives and wrecking their dream.
Very hard.

PS. I'm not saying this is a game!
I just mean, her time will come with patience and respect.

Smileless2012

^encourage her to play the long game instead of trying to 'help' whilst the baby is still young^ good advice keepingquiet.

I agree. I was always hostile to help as a young mum.

Why would you want a new one if the old ones still working OK 🤣🤣🤣
Guessing it’s come across the Atlantic Canadagran I ve never heard it used although I have a good few grandkids and work with some youngsters

About the term used, my parents used it back in the 80s, so not new at all, at least in Canada.

Godmothers shouldn’t really get involved in family matters. 🤷‍♀️

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allsorts

Very unkind response by some to the poster. Is she not supposed to care about the sister she loves and being treated so badly. Of course she can’t say anything or interfere she is just worried, The dil is being cruel and the son accepting of that, he wants to grow a pair.
My advice for what it’s worth is let them get on with it as whatever she does or says will be misinterpreted and used against her by jealous dil, for thats what it is. If it were my son if he ever he visits alone, I would tell him quietly how hurt and abandoned I felt not being part of their lives and missing her only grandchild. I had always loved dil. Then leave it at that. She then concentrates on what she can do to live a happy life the best she can as you can’t change anything, it’s out if her hands, no doubt she’s already spoken with dil about it and got nowhere. I know lots will say do nothing just wait.
There are mil from and dil from hell, it’s a misfortune if you get either because they wreck families.
Poster you are doing what you can, by caring and including her no doubt that gets her through. Caring and kindness is never wasted,

There are mil from and dil from hell, it’s a misfortune if you get either because they wreck families.

There must be fil and son-in-law from hell, as well as sister-in-law and brother-in-law-- rationally, in addition to mil and dil.

Advice remains, wait it out quietly. Some say 'hush and wear black.'

Very unkind response by some to the poster. Is she not supposed to care about the sister she loves and being treated so badly. Of course she can’t say anything or interfere she is just worried, The dil is being cruel and the son accepting of that, he wants to grow a pair.
My advice for what it’s worth is let them get on with it as whatever she does or says will be misinterpreted and used against her by jealous dil, for thats what it is. If it were my son if he ever he visits alone, I would tell him quietly how hurt and abandoned I felt not being part of their lives and missing her only grandchild. I had always loved dil. Then leave it at that. She then concentrates on what she can do to live a happy life the best she can as you can’t change anything, it’s out if her hands, no doubt she’s already spoken with dil about it and got nowhere. I know lots will say do nothing just wait.
There are mil from and dil from hell, it’s a misfortune if you get either because they wreck families.
Poster you are doing what you can, by caring and including her no doubt that gets her through. Caring and kindness is never wasted,

After the baby was born (sister's first and maybe only grandchild) they would drive over to my sister's and make her come to the car to see him, claiming germs. But they visited her ex. -- Nephew has his own relationship with sister's ex

She hasn't been allowed over to the house to see him, again claiming germs. But other grandmother is there a lot. It's to the point where her other sons (and her sisters) stopped being excited about the baby because of DIL's attitude. My nephew makes some effort to see his mother but doesn't try to fix the situation. -- He does visit sister, seems quite nice, his wife doesn't care for sister it seems

DIL got mad when sister posted a photo of the baby on FB so sister recently texted asking if she could post one of son with him for my nephew's birthday. DIL never answered. -- Sister should never have posted the picture, a wrong thing to do

Sister recently told her son she's not inviting them to anything any more they always turn her down. -- Well done sister

Is there ANYTHING she can do??! -- Patiently Wait

Again, I'm not getting in the middle. Just feel bad for her. And yes, it's totally in my nephew.

I am not involved. I feel bad for my sister. She's very sad. There's nothing wrong with me asking advice.

Iam64

Your long OP is a familiar kind of post here, where a daughter or mother in law is presented as the problem.
You ask for advice, then conclude is you were there yiu;’do rip your nephew a new one. That’s it so far as I’m concerned. Family conflict is never resolved by violence. You probably didn’t mean this literally but it’s a clear indicator that your involvement is unlikely to help anyone,

It's a variation on a theme and the OP is obviously very young as I doubt anyone of more mature years would use terms like that.

Your long OP is a familiar kind of post here, where a daughter or mother in law is presented as the problem.
You ask for advice, then conclude is you were there yiu;’do rip your nephew a new one. That’s it so far as I’m concerned. Family conflict is never resolved by violence. You probably didn’t mean this literally but it’s a clear indicator that your involvement is unlikely to help anyone,

DiamondLily

Ripping a new one is in the modern vernacular:

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/rip_someone_a_new_one

Oh, charming turn of phrase, isn't it?

Well, there seems to be a lot of (what I consider) to be awful words and expressions, flying around all over the place nowadays.😑

I’m not pearl clutcher, by any means, but I don’t think using extreme words and expressions shows anyone in a good light.

Dreadful. I hope never to hear it said.

Germanshepherdsmum

I had never heard it before. I too am shocked. What a horrible expression. If the OP’s sister also speaks like that I wouldn’t want a child anywhere near them.

It is, and not an expression I would use. It seems to be popular amongst the younger women on MN.

I’ve also seen it a lot on American social media, so I guess it originated there.😗

Others made the same suggestion. Perhaps pick on them too?

Germanshepherdsmum

‘I suspect’ does not mean ‘I know’.

You had zero grounds for your suspicion. If you don't know, admit it, don't make spurious judgements with no evidence.

I had never heard it before. I too am shocked. What a horrible expression. If the OP’s sister also speaks like that I wouldn’t want a child anywhere near them.

Smileless2012

So did you know what it mean before you googled it DL; I'm shocked .

Yes, I did. It’s actually also used quite a lot on MN. 😗