DIL ignores sister

Can you explain what "rip my nephew a new one" means please?

This is between your sister and her son

Why are you involved in this? I am asking because I am curious. Too many cooks in the kitchen makes things worse

Not your circus.

Hello pritcharddesign, I'm so sorry that your sister is being treated in this way. It's heartbreaking when the joy of becoming a GP, especially for the first time, is short lived.

FWIW, I think telling her son she wont be inviting them to anything anymore, because they come was the right thing to do. It will I doubt improve the situation but at least she has shown that she's not happy with how she'd being treated, and isn't prepare to take it lying down.

Apart from having and maintaining barriers, and letting her son and his wife what they are, I'm afraid there's nothing she can do.

I'll never understand why these sons tolerate their mums being treated this way, but as long as they do the situation is unlikely to change or improve anytime soon.

My advice would be for her of course to see her son when he visits, ask after her GC and his wife but leave it at that. Don't ask to see photo's and don't ask if/when she'll be seeing her GC.

Not easy by any means but being seemingly untroubled with what's going on, might bring about some positive changes.

That should have been 'because they don't come'.

Is your Sister a smoker , pet owner or a hoarder ? Sometimes this is what puts new parents off and it can make your house seem less hygienic.

62Granny

Is your Sister a smoker , pet owner or a hoarder ? Sometimes this is what puts new parents off and it can make your house seem less hygienic.

Good questions. Is your sister a fairly clean housekeeper? You mentioned she has trouble getting around. Could it be that her home isn’t especially tidy and new parents are extra cautious with these things. Perhaps “germs” is just a less direct way of saying “messy”? Just trying to brainstorm reasons for t change, but smoking or pets could also be the cause .

It was wrong of your sister to post the baby to social media without permission. Many new parents don’t want their baby posted like that and it’s always best to ask. But I imagine she knows that now.

I also think this is between your sister and her son and his family. Not your business and your riling it up will make it worse. And I say her son because it is his family - not you’re the evil dil doing it. He’s an active participant. Let’s stop acting like these grown men and fathers are all just lackeys on their relationships without voices

It's not the OP's place to try and do or say anything I agree, but of course it's her business. This is about her sister for goodness sake. It would be a hard hearted sister IMO who wouldn't be upset for and worried about her sister.

The OP hasn't referred to her sister's d.i.l. as evil Grams so let's stop acting as if anyone who posts about issues that involve a d.i.l. automatically sees the d.i.l. as evil.

A similar thing happened to my sister. Her DIL had made it clear her family had priority and I do recall her sitting in the car a few times when my nephew 'needed' something from the house.

My sister didn't push the issue. When they needed a baby sitter she babysat, it was the only way she got to see her grandchildren although her husband resented their being 'used'.

A few years later and DIL has mellowed- my sister sees her grandchildren quite often and they love her to bits.

I would be supportive of your sister but encourage her to play the long game instead of trying to 'help' whilst the baby is still young.

I suspect the sister’s standards of hygiene are not the best. And it is unforgivable to post a photo of a child on social media without the parents’ permission (which if I were the parent would not be given). Is the OP able to look objectively at her sister and her sister’s house and consider this?

I also would be curious to know if there are any smoking, cleanliness or pet issues behind this that can be resolved with support?

It's generally accepted now that minors are not posted on social media without permission, so I think that's probably understandable. Some parents may not mind but many do so asking is always best.

These don't sound like huge unsolvable issues... The family there just needs better communication really. Please remember that ripping anyone a new one is not positive or healthy communication and may make this situation far worse for your sister

encourage her to play the long game instead of trying to 'help' whilst the baby is still young good advice keepingquiet.

Maybe they simply dont like her, you cannot make people want to spend time with others.

Smileless2012

It's not the OP's place to try and do or say anything I agree, but of course it's her business. This is about her sister for goodness sake. It would be a hard hearted sister IMO who wouldn't be upset for and worried about her sister.

The OP hasn't referred to her sister's d.i.l. as evil Grams so let's stop acting as if anyone who posts about issues that involve a d.i.l. automatically sees the d.i.l. as evil.

No just placing blame on the dil
But not the son as usual. What magic these wives must possess

Whatever Grams but it's only you who has referred to evil d's.i.l., not the OP and no one else.

Smileless2012

Whatever Grams but it's only you who has referred to evil d's.i.l., not the OP and no one else.

No she just blamed the dil , or really her niece in law as it were for the actions of nephew and his family unit. As we see time and time again. Those pesky dils and poor son put in the middle , or just a spineless victim. This sisters dil has a husband who i imagine is every bit as capable as she is of turning down offers to visit etc and seeing how it’s his mother , let’s at least let them share the “blame” here.

“The only one who said evil” yep and we both know you’re not so obtuse as to not understand the inference. Which was the entire point of course ( and you know that ) that once again here comes the “dil poor dear away “. Son is just as much to blame. If not more so, it’s his family!

I don’t know the OP, her sister, or anyone else in the family. If this has been posted elsewhere, then I still don’t know. I don’t know the family dynamics.

But, as a general comment, I would say that coercive control can exist within a relationship, or marriage. I think it’s recently become illegal.

I think to describe the victims as “spineless” is a bit harsh - control can creep up, undermining the other person in stages. It’s insidious.

Men or women can be coercive.

But, as I say, I don’t know the OP, and it might not be the case anyway.🙂

Yes I agree with playing the long game.
Just tell her to step back.
Her DIL probably enjoys the control she has so don’t give her that pleasure.
Poor son is in a difficult position.
What is it with some D’s in law!
I have two lovely ones but I don’t put any pressure on them . They come to me when they want/need to.

Yes DL, coercive control became an offence on the 29th of December 2015 and some are still unable/unwilling to recognise the damage that's done when one person has coercive control over another.

It's abuse and like all abusers, their control is drip fed, building up over a period of time, eventually separating the victim from family and friends, leaving them totally dependant on their abuser.

I posted yesterday @ 14.54 Grams that I don't understand why these sons allow their mothers to be treated in this way. I'm fully aware from my own situation the part sons play in these situations, but that doesn't exclude the part that d's.i.l. can and do play.

This is something that some appear to have a problem acknowledging, which is why time and time again when a m.i.l. is having problems with her d.i.l., the familiar 'evil d.i.l.' is trotted out, because heaven forbid a m.i.l. should have cause to criticise her's.

Germanshepherdsmum

I suspect the sister’s standards of hygiene are not the best. And it is unforgivable to post a photo of a child on social media without the parents’ permission (which if I were the parent would not be given). Is the OP able to look objectively at her sister and her sister’s house and consider this?

How can you know this is the reason? Their house may be spotlessly clean for all you know. In addition many people have untidy and even unclean homes and raise perfectly healthy babies in them!

Yes, as I said, I was making a general comment, as I don’t know the OP.

Some AC’s might just be spineless, but others may be coercively controlled.

In the case of OP, I agree with others - the best thing here is to stand back, and see what happens. Time solves a lot of things.

‘I suspect’ does not mean ‘I know’.

Sorry, above comment was replying to Smileless.

In situations like this, time is often all you have DL, it's such a shame .