What did you do to heal and move forward from estrangement?

I was estranged from my DS for several years after my first marriage broke down. Not my choice. He was a teenager at the time and influenced by my ex and his family. I tried everything I could think of until I had nothing left and was just broken. I only started to heal after accepting that I couldn’t change the situation and I then put all my energy into work and my hobbies so that I had very little time or energy to think about DS. Although of course I did still think of him all the time. I do now consider myself extremely fortunate and I’m so grateful that he did eventually get in touch and now 10 years later we have a good relationship again. It was the worst time of my life but keeping busy got me through it. I hope this helps in some small way

It's good for us when we get to the stage where we can be honest about our estrangements, when we can be truthful without feeling guilty and/or ashamed and fearful of being judged.

It takes longer I think to no longer be afraid of judgement, to understand that unless someone has experienced being estranged, they're unlikely to understand or even believe that the once close and loving relationship you had with your own child can suddenly count for nothing.

It's good for others too when us being honest enables them to be honest too and realise as we have done, that this is common and seems to be becoming more so .

How wonderful NannieDeb that you and your son are reconciled .

I worked on my relationship with my son. I knew it was the only way I would get to see my GC. It took a lot of work but we're there and hopefully will be for good now. I was a pretty bad mother looking back...

It's good that you were able too Keepingquiet and are a part of his and your GC's lives .

It's surprising, when you mention estrangement and find out others have the same in their families. My old friend who I tentatively admitted it to wasn't surprised at all.

Nature over nurture, I suppose. Did you ever see the TV programme about when someone brought up some wolf cubs alongside some puppies? They were all given the same amount of love and everything they could need. By six or eight weeks the wolf cubs were home wrecking and a bit savage. The puppies, meanwhile were cuddly and cute, a bit bitey but generally nice. The program was meant to show that however you bring up a wolf they are not a dog.

We have kids, we love them and put them first but sometimes difficult genes from other family members come to the forefront when you wish they would not. We often talk about which facial feature a baby has or who they take after, but personalities and behaviours in my family seem to have been passed on, unfortunately. They say it skips a generation. Well, I would never behave like it.

It saddens me thinking of how much I loved them, how I cared for them so much and everything I did was all about them, but they can still turn on us, colossally betray us and act abusive without a shred of guilt or shame.

Yet I don't want their "duty" or falseness either. Sometimes I regret having kids except I have one who is kind and good! I wonder if this is a pattern that the abusive EC's kid will do to them. How would they feel? Of course they won't think it will ever happen to them. How could they because I never thought it would happen to me.

There was estrangement in the family before they existed (on my Mother's side)

The abusive head games have affected my health badly, so going forwards I am disengaging and thinking what's good and beneficial for me. I definitely understand why older adults talk about going "SKI-ing" (Spending Kids Inheritance) and doing what is best for me for once in my life.

Smileless2012

It's good that you were able too Keepingquiet and are a part of his and your GC's lives .

I didn't think it would. It was tough and we are still working through it but yes, seeing my GC tomorrow and that's priceless.

An interesting post Onward and having spent sometime thinking about it, I can't think of one member of my family past or present or Mr. S's. who has or would have behaved in the way our ES has.

Thanks @Smileless2012 and I know of one or two family members in the generation above me whose behaviour was pretty bad. So much so that I made it my life's work not to be like it.

And yet, it's popped up.

I hate the way people used to get judged about estrangement, or feel judged. No one but us know the lengths we have gone to to love our kids and how it wasn't "good enough".

I suppose this is the human condition.

My son was always hard to deal with. Arrogant, self centred and always right. We fell out numerous times over the years but this last time was enough and now my life is calmer and happier without him in it. He had a cruel tongue and said some awful things which were untrue but he was blinkered. He lives alone with no friends and has alienated himself from the rest of the family. He’ll never change because he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong.

People still get judged Onward

It looks as if your son's behaviour has negatively impacted on more than his family relationships bobbydog. If only he could see that the common denominator is himself.

We could never have imagined living our lives without the child(ren) we love, let alone discovering that our lives are calmer without them .

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be reunited with our estranged daughter and two GCs, but not for long. We reunited 10 years ago after a few years estranged and she lied about wanting to emigrate to Canada so that we would lend her and her husband money, inventing jobs and opportunities, even naming the place they would go to, so we foolishly raided our savings and lent them a considerable amount. They also lied about other things in order for us to give them money. Then we discovered she was abusing us online, saying all sorts of awful things about us on social media, and one day her husbands brother turned up when we visited and said that he had come along in case we tried to cause trouble. We had come with a weeks supermarket shopping and stuff for the kids. Of course we knew then that we couldn't go on. We called the estrangement this time and have not looked back, though as I say I do sometimes wonder. What if she has changed? What if when the GCs get older they seek us out?
Of course I don't wonder long because I know what it cost us both the last time we reunited. Emotionally, mentally, and financially.
As I keep saying life is too short, especially at our ages, so we intend to spend whatever money is left on enjoying whatever life is left to us.

My son has said some cruel things too. Obviously he thinks he's right and won't change any time soon. I don't think he's right as I know I have always been here for him and always dropped anything I was doing to be there for him. I think if anything, I spoiled him.

The cruelty has affected my health this year worse than ever. I've spent so much time in hospital. I think it's worse when it's someone you love saying the cruel things. I wouldn't dream of talking to him or anyone else like that, but sadly we are not all the same.

You hit the nail on the head right there OnwardandUpward, we are definitely not all the same and our children, despite our best efforts, sometimes turn out to be nothing like us or their siblings. Tbh if I ever met a young woman like my daughter anywhere I would not want to get to know her, she would not be the kind of person I would want to spend my time with.
I imagine she says the same about us, or worse, probably worse.

Smileless2012

People still get judged Onward

It looks as if your son's behaviour has negatively impacted on more than his family relationships bobbydog. If only he could see that the common denominator is himself.

We could never have imagined living our lives without the child(ren) we love, let alone discovering that our lives are calmer without them .

Yes, calmer! I never thought I'd admit that Smileless2012 but it is true.

I'd settle for a few ruffles if they could still be a part of our life, though.

Oh I get judged, awfully. The main problem seems to be my separation from his Father, which he may be too young to remember? I have no regrets as his Father was a cheater, abusive , unavailable and unstable. Somehow I, the stable, kind, sacrificing parent who gave all and was always there is the one blamed while the absent one is somehow idealised. Until he gets past this, I don't expect to be close again. We were once very close, but the origins of this is something I can't fix.

My husband and I probably did spoil him and indulged his awkwardness too. Life with him was like walking on egg shells. Our daughter was treated exactly the same but she is loving and kind and a marvellous daughter. He didn’t bat an eye when told his dad had terminal cancer other than ask was it hereditary. You question your parenting but I think some people are just born like that.

You did your best bobbydog.

Their individual personalities come into play and when we have other children who were raised the same and don't have these issues, we can see that this is perhaps something within them. Of course we have no way of knowing that if we had done things differently, maybe this wouldn't have happened when they grew up.

I still blame the genes. He has some unattractive ones from his (abusive) father and my mother, both troubled people.

Nature over nurture, I think.

keepingquiet

I worked on my relationship with my son. I knew it was the only way I would get to see my GC. It took a lot of work but we're there and hopefully will be for good now. I was a pretty bad mother looking back...

None of us are perfect mothers . It's wonderful you've not shied away from doing the hard work with your son to help your relationship improve. I imagine even painful honesty has healing properties. Lovely that your family is able to push through the difficulties!

It is hard. As he left for work today my son told me he loved me.
Tomorrow is my birthday and my little GC will be at the family picnic. I fought so hard for this I don't know if I will ever fully recover.
It has shattered me... but that child has been worth all the struggle. Corny as it sounds love finds a way, but at such a cost...

My son and daughter have not spoken 7 years now . In the early days I tried to talk with each but both say hateful things about each other ( in fact practically word for word ) in 7 years I haven't had a family day together. My daughter stopped all contact with her 2 youngsters and they no longer know their uncle . He stopped sending birthday / Christmas gifts because they didn't write thankyou cards due to his sister not posting them . There have been other issues but too long a story regarding my daughter and myself . My family is dysfunctional that includes extended family . My greatest sadness 💔

love finds a way when all involved want too keepingquiet.

'Happy Birthday' for tomorrow and enjoy your picnic

Focus on what you do have Toetoe. Your son and daughter don't talk to one another but at least they both talk to you.

OnwardandUpward

It's surprising, when you mention estrangement and find out others have the same in their families. My old friend who I tentatively admitted it to wasn't surprised at all.

Nature over nurture, I suppose. Did you ever see the TV programme about when someone brought up some wolf cubs alongside some puppies? They were all given the same amount of love and everything they could need. By six or eight weeks the wolf cubs were home wrecking and a bit savage. The puppies, meanwhile were cuddly and cute, a bit bitey but generally nice. The program was meant to show that however you bring up a wolf they are not a dog.

We have kids, we love them and put them first but sometimes difficult genes from other family members come to the forefront when you wish they would not. We often talk about which facial feature a baby has or who they take after, but personalities and behaviours in my family seem to have been passed on, unfortunately. They say it skips a generation. Well, I would never behave like it.

It saddens me thinking of how much I loved them, how I cared for them so much and everything I did was all about them, but they can still turn on us, colossally betray us and act abusive without a shred of guilt or shame.

Yet I don't want their "duty" or falseness either. Sometimes I regret having kids except I have one who is kind and good! I wonder if this is a pattern that the abusive EC's kid will do to them. How would they feel? Of course they won't think it will ever happen to them. How could they because I never thought it would happen to me.

There was estrangement in the family before they existed (on my Mother's side)

The abusive head games have affected my health badly, so going forwards I am disengaging and thinking what's good and beneficial for me. I definitely understand why older adults talk about going "SKI-ing" (Spending Kids Inheritance) and doing what is best for me for once in my life.

I identify with a lot of what you have said. I have 3 adult children. Two of them have the same father. One has been completely estranged from me for no good reason for 16 years. The other is low contact. I doted on them when they were children 🤷‍♀️ Like you, I wish I hadn’t had them, but I don’t spend time dwelling on that. I’m just aware that my life would have been easier. I grieved terribly for the one who completely cut me off for years. Every Christmas Day, Mother’s Day and birthday broke my heart. However hard I tried to ‘get a grip’, I usually took myself off alone for a few hours to cry. I also spent years trying to have more contact with the one who had very low contact with me. They only contacted/contact me when they wanted/want something.

After so long, I have come to terms with both situations. I quite like the low contact, having realised that the adult child in question can be very challenging for me in larger doses! Regarding the estranged one, I love them, but I don’t like them., so let them get on with it. Like you, I wonder if history may repeat itself with any of their offspring. Thankfully, I have a lovely daughter 😀

keepingquiet

It is hard. As he left for work today my son told me he loved me.
Tomorrow is my birthday and my little GC will be at the family picnic. I fought so hard for this I don't know if I will ever fully recover.
It has shattered me... but that child has been worth all the struggle. Corny as it sounds love finds a way, but at such a cost...

Absolutely nothing corny about love! You love that little child because you love your son. Now he has made sure he has verbalized his love to you. Love leaves scars, but we are all better having it than not. This is so uplifting to read about!

It's good that you can see the positive in the low contact relationship you have with one of your children Stella, even though it isn't what you'd wanted.

Loving our EAC but not liking them is our unconditional love for them.

Feverjo

keepingquiet

It is hard. As he left for work today my son told me he loved me.
Tomorrow is my birthday and my little GC will be at the family picnic. I fought so hard for this I don't know if I will ever fully recover.
It has shattered me... but that child has been worth all the struggle. Corny as it sounds love finds a way, but at such a cost...

Absolutely nothing corny about love! You love that little child because you love your son. Now he has made sure he has verbalized his love to you. Love leaves scars, but we are all better having it than not. This is so uplifting to read about!

Thankyou Feverjo