Gaslighting from adult daughter

jenpax

Thanks. I am fine financially once I am on my own I know that I will be entitled to UC and PIP (which I already claim) I deal with clients’s benefits in my working life, so its more about getting money together to start again that I was worried about and feeling a failure that I have made such a mess of everything.

Hi, don’t feel a failure. Like most of us, we parent the best we can. Not perfect - no parent or child ever was.

As adults, children are responsible for their own behaviour, and your daughter is behaving badly.

She’s abusive, appears unable to look after her own children and is in a career that she doesn’t seem too well suited for.

None of us can change the behaviour of others - all we can control is how we respond to it.

Try and gather up your mental energy, and step by step, change how your life is.

Best wishes. 💐

Thank you

jenpax I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position, it’s agony for you. The behaviour your daughter is exhibiting towards you is not normal and you don’t deserve it. You have gone above and beyond for your children, especially this daughter, you owe her no more but you do owe yourself and, possibly soon, your grandchildren. I know you’re strong enough, I know you are. You hold down a good job now and you brought up your children alone. Your mental health is suffering, through no fault of your own, and you really must, at last, put yourself first. This young woman needs to stand on her own two feet and stop blaming you for everything that has gone wrong for her (it seems to me that this is what she’s doing). Please think of yourself. You will be in all our thoughts and we’ll be rooting for you 100%. If you can face it please let us know how you get on.

I cant work full time anymore my health is toounpredictable

Thanks. I am fine financially once I am on my own I know that I will be entitled to UC and PIP (which I already claim) I deal with clients’s benefits in my working life, so its more about getting money together to start again that I was worried about and feeling a failure that I have made such a mess of everything.

Macadia

*jenpax*, thank you for reaching out to GN and posting your dilemma. We KNOW you can do this! Everyone is behind you 100%. Write out that plan and take small steps towards your freedom from this abuse. 🙏
<hugs>

Exactly.
Find out what benefits you would be entitled to. Jenpax
Could you work full time or just a few hours extra?
Universal credit.
Housing benefit.
Council tax benefit.
A water meter installed.
Your grocery, gas, electricity would be cheaper living on your own.
Get advice from Citizens Advice.

Jenpax, get it out of your head its your fault about your d mental health. Just decide now you have to build yourself health up and a place of your own if you can. Somewhere all your family can see you if they want and your safe space. d will have to manage, its not your job any more. Your other two daughters cope, so must she. You go down and everything will be wasted that you have done.

jenpax, thank you for reaching out to GN and posting your dilemma. We KNOW you can do this! Everyone is behind you 100%. Write out that plan and take small steps towards your freedom from this abuse. 🙏
<hugs>

I feel very sad for you jenpax.
I do know how you feel.
I had a mental breakdown in 1994 Suicidal in fact.
The reason being my husband leaving, the sudden death of my dad and the intolerable behavior of my daughter. In her case bought on by what I believe was the outcome and trouble caused by her dad leaving which continues to this dad would you believe.
I know too well that in the end that one doesn't have the strength to carry on and stand up for yourself. You just give up.
Through the years and experience I have picked myself up, gained the strength and will not tolerate any s..t from anyone.
You can get back on track. Just because your daughter thinks you didn't do a very good job just keep reminding yourself that you did your very best and be proud of that.
You can get your strength back. You've got to be assertive. I went to classes for this years ago. They're perhaps not available now.
Regarding your living arrangements, one of you needs to leave.
There are benefits you could claim if you look into it, being on a low wage.
Remember you are not responsible for anyone. Your daughter is an adult and responsible for her children.
Yes, we all would like our children to have the perfect life but that's not always possible is it. They have their own destiny in life once they're adults.
Let us know how you get on. You're in my thoughts.
Nothing lasts forever if we do something about it.
P.S My daughter at 46 now changed for the better when she left home. I'm proud of her. xxx

MissAdventure

Please accept my apologies, jenpax b4caus4 I've been harsh,

I'm just cross on your behalf,
I hope you get some help, and are able to have some peace of mind.

No need to apologise you haven't been harsh but thank you.

Allsorts

Sorry Jenpax. The ownership is relevant it gives you several options which if it was jointly owned or owned solely by your daughter you wouldn't have. Your grandchildren are witnessing inappropriate behaviour and the daily abuse of their grandmother by their own mother. This is not right and that and your fragile health has to be a priority.. Your daughter does not appreciate your contributions. You can leave and create a safe space for you and the grandchildren. Im sorry i have no cure for your d being as she is but at the moment the practicals need sorting to get you back on form.

You are right I know it’s bad for the children to live in an atmosphere where there is contempt! Nothing is said in front of the children but they will still pick up the atmosphere none the less.
I will move out and hope that she can cope with the children and their various needs. I had just been hoping that eventually she would pull her self together and get on with the job in hand if she had support. I had almost none from my own parents when their father became ill,although they were easily able to do so and I felt let down! I was determined that I would do all in my power to help my children whatever their age. I can see that it hasnt worked out but its very hard to admit that you have made such a poor error of judgement

Please accept my apologies, jenpax b4caus4 I've been harsh,

I'm just cross on your behalf,
I hope you get some help, and are able to have some peace of mind.

sharon103

You did your very best for your children under the circumstances.
So what if they didn't have holidays or the clothes they wanted.
Neither did mine. My husband left in January 1987 and I had a 2 year old, a 7 and 10 year old to raise on my own. Never did have any support from ex. Never asked anyone to look after them. I did and gave what I could.
You're too soft.
Why are you allowing her to talk to you like she does?
When she verbally abuses you what do you do. Do you take it all and keep quiet or answer her back?
I'll tell you what, she would be out the door and the locks changed if she was mine, along with what I thought of her at the top of my voice.
If she lost her future job that would be her fault not yours.
No child, adult or not would get away with speaking to me like that. Ever! and mine know it.
I'm angry just reading your post. Stand up for yourself.

I have stood up for myself at great cost to my mental health! I am beaten down by exhaustion and ill health and was looking for support to give me a bit of strength and not to feel so alone. I do call her out all the time but I have to consider how much conflict I can realistically cope with!

Sorry Jenpax. The ownership is relevant it gives you several options which if it was jointly owned or owned solely by your daughter you wouldn't have. Your grandchildren are witnessing inappropriate behaviour and the daily abuse of their grandmother by their own mother. This is not right and that and your fragile health has to be a priority.. Your daughter does not appreciate your contributions. You can leave and create a safe space for you and the grandchildren. Im sorry i have no cure for your d being as she is but at the moment the practicals need sorting to get you back on form.

eazybee

Having brought up own two children single handed, working full-time and struggling constantly with all manner of bills including a mortgage, I know exactly what I am talking about, which is why initially, I was sympathetic to your plight.
We didn't have holidays; they took themselves abroad when they were adults and never once expected me to support them once they had graduated, as I didn't expect my parents to provide them with the sort of childhood I had.

I also know I would never have tolerated the behaviour your daughter exhibits to you; and I wonder at you not wanting to 'damage her career'. You know she is unstable, and while she may be able to hide this behaviour short-term it will appear once she is in charge of difficult but vulnerable patients.

Glad you had so much strength of character and to hear what you would not tolerate. Sadly everyone’s life is different and their life may not go the way you think it should. I was seeking support for my situation and a bit of camaraderie to give me strength at a time in my life when I have hit a very low place thankfully some posters have been very kind and helpful

You did your very best for your children under the circumstances.
So what if they didn't have holidays or the clothes they wanted.
Neither did mine. My husband left in January 1987 and I had a 2 year old, a 7 and 10 year old to raise on my own. Never did have any support from ex. Never asked anyone to look after them. I did and gave what I could.
You're too soft.
Why are you allowing her to talk to you like she does?
When she verbally abuses you what do you do. Do you take it all and keep quiet or answer her back?
I'll tell you what, she would be out the door and the locks changed if she was mine, along with what I thought of her at the top of my voice.
If she lost her future job that would be her fault not yours.
No child, adult or not would get away with speaking to me like that. Ever! and mine know it.
I'm angry just reading your post. Stand up for yourself.

I think jenpac has been conditioned because of her previous abuse. Please be kind

Please do not close this thread!

I am about to say that a toxic person such as your daughter will press all your negative emotional buttons to try to manipulate and make you do what she wants you to do.

The negative emotions are fear, guilt and shame.

For example;
She made you petrified and fearful by telling you if you leave, you will never see your grandchildren again.

She made you shameful of yourself by telling you that you are a shite mother.

She guilt tripped you into spending money on her and her children by telling you all the things she went without as a child because you were poor on low income.

Her manipulations clearly worked since you are throwing all your money on her and your grandchildren such that you are short of money yourself.

Please find the strength to leave and stay away from her as much as you can.

Before you leave, make sure you made copies of all the keys in your house. To make sure that you and estate agent can have access to your house when its time for you to sell it in future.

I am assuming that you owned the house and it is not a rental property.

Well, even if the thread is closed down, I hope it will have made you face some unpleasant facts and take action.
You have received much sensible and supportive advice, even if it is uncomfortable reading..

Having brought up own two children single handed, working full-time and struggling constantly with all manner of bills including a mortgage, I know exactly what I am talking about, which is why initially, I was sympathetic to your plight.
We didn't have holidays; they took themselves abroad when they were adults and never once expected me to support them once they had graduated, as I didn't expect my parents to provide them with the sort of childhood I had.

I also know I would never have tolerated the behaviour your daughter exhibits to you; and I wonder at you not wanting to 'damage her career'. You know she is unstable, and while she may be able to hide this behaviour short-term it will appear once she is in charge of difficult but vulnerable patients.

If you can rent half a house with her, you can rent half a house with someone else. Or rent a bedroom. Your DD might have a mental illness / mental issue. You know what you have to do, you're just scared and worried. That's understandable. Start writing down your plan so you don't get overwhelmed with the emotional part of this logical decision. You got yourself into this mess of enabling your DD and you can get out because you are stronger than anyone in your family. She will have to grow up then. I would like to hear your success at accomplishing this for your peace of mind. Start writing down those first steps towards your happy life. (Your GC will always be a part of it).

If you are renting the house then this situation is much more easily resolved.. you can just take yourself off the rental agreement and move out.. then your daughter can find another tenant and start to treat you with respect... as you say she is capable of doing with other people...

Thank you for all the people who have commented kindly with respect and understanding for what is to me a really stressful and distressing situation. I will try to implement some change and its been really helpful not to feel alone with this.
I am going to ask Gransnet admin if they can close the thread as I feel that it wouldn't be that helpful to carry on now.

Yes she is thank you Ailsa43

Ailsa43

*jenpax*.. I don't have much but I do have a spare room that's safe if ever you need somewhere to escape to.. you're suffering domestic abuse , you cannot allow her to do this to you..

Ailsa43, you are SO kind and generous!