Gaslighting from adult daughter

Justananatryingherbest10

Hello all , newbie here , i dont know where to turn and i have made a massive error of judgement which i know was a mistake and i have to live with , i allowed my granddaughter to have a sleepover with her friends , the following day one of her friends have made an accusation against her and now shes in trouble with the police, my daughter did say in the past dont let her friends stay but i just wanted my granddaughter yo have some quality time with her friends , however i k ow her friend making an accusation is out of my control but will feel bad for the test of my life that my granddaughter is now in trouble. However as a result of this my already toxic gaslighting daughter has the ammunition she needs to yet again blame me for every bad thing in her life , my granddaughter reached out to me to say she had took an overdose and i offered to go straight there to take her to hospital but ky daughter said nah shes lying etc, i couldnt fo anything else but after going with my granddaughter to the station she was took to hospital for the overdose where i was questioned over this , anyway she is ok thank hod but now SS involved, this whole thing has highlighted that there may be drug addiction in the house and this is maybe why my daughter blames everything on me , im only guilty of allowing my granddaughter and her friends to stay but she is out of control , my grandkids ate so emotionally damaged because of her toxicity but she does not see this , im in turmoil now , she says i do nothing but i fo all her form etc have the kids when i can , i dont have them every week now as i had to flee dv but do see them every other week as well as work full time , i cant do anything right and she doesn't see what i do , she just says she does everything and no one helps , just very sad situation, i have chose to walk away from her toxicity and have made her aware of the drugs that may be going on but as always total denial or she says my granddaughter is lying , can anyone give me some advice

Well, hopefully, Social Services getting involved will clarify things.

The whole situation sounds very dysfunctional and in need of professional involvement.

Best wishes.💐

It still concerns me that the OP’s daughter is probably starting a career in nursing. She sounds the least likely person to go into a caring profession and I would be very worried if any of my family were being “cared for” by her.

I don’t think the other child’s parents would agree that having the girl over there isn’t the problem. Someone was hurt by the decision to undermine the daughter, so minimizing it won’t help the situation. Whatever the daughter knew, clearly she knew better when it came to other people’s children being there. Accountability is needed by all the adults for their roles in this tragedy. At the very least, there would have been one less child impacted by potential drug exposure if she wouldn’t have gone behind her daughter’s back. The other child shouldn’t have been there and the child’s safety is not a worthy price to pay for SS finally getting involved. If there really was an overdose, the other child could have died.

We have to own our mistakes, no ifs, ands or buts about. The mistakes of others do not lessen our own. That applies to all the adults here. I pray all the children involved are safe. I pray all the adults find the wisdom to take responsibility for the many bad decisions that led up to this so that nothing like it happens again.

Children are safer when the adults who love them don’t work against each other.

This is a bigger battle than you can fight, as others have said you must pull back for now. Your GD sounds as if she has a very dysfunctional home life, this is why SS are now involved. I don’t think what you did with your GD by going against your daughters wishes is the real problem, was ill advised but I believe there is much more going on at home to worry about.
Is very upsetting for you but you need to consider your own well-being here and give them and yourself space.
Take care 🌹

Justananatryingherbest10

Hello all , newbie here , i dont know where to turn and i have made a massive error of judgement which i know was a mistake and i have to live with , i allowed my granddaughter to have a sleepover with her friends , the following day one of her friends have made an accusation against her and now shes in trouble with the police, my daughter did say in the past dont let her friends stay but i just wanted my granddaughter yo have some quality time with her friends , however i k ow her friend making an accusation is out of my control but will feel bad for the test of my life that my granddaughter is now in trouble. However as a result of this my already toxic gaslighting daughter has the ammunition she needs to yet again blame me for every bad thing in her life , my granddaughter reached out to me to say she had took an overdose and i offered to go straight there to take her to hospital but ky daughter said nah shes lying etc, i couldnt fo anything else but after going with my granddaughter to the station she was took to hospital for the overdose where i was questioned over this , anyway she is ok thank hod but now SS involved, this whole thing has highlighted that there may be drug addiction in the house and this is maybe why my daughter blames everything on me , im only guilty of allowing my granddaughter and her friends to stay but she is out of control , my grandkids ate so emotionally damaged because of her toxicity but she does not see this , im in turmoil now , she says i do nothing but i fo all her form etc have the kids when i can , i dont have them every week now as i had to flee dv but do see them every other week as well as work full time , i cant do anything right and she doesn't see what i do , she just says she does everything and no one helps , just very sad situation, i have chose to walk away from her toxicity and have made her aware of the drugs that may be going on but as always total denial or she says my granddaughter is lying , can anyone give me some advice

I am sorry this is happening to your family. This is tragic all around. There is always a danger of going undermining parents. This is an extreme example of how bad the outcome can be. I think regardless of your history with your daughter, the consequences of going against her wishes put several children in danger. If there is a drug problem in your daughter’s house, it doesn’t minimize that your choices roped others into this issue. I am glad SS are now involved. All adults could have done better at protecting the children, but that also includes yourself since this happened on your watch. All adults are accountable here. For now, the only advice I have for you is to let your daughter know you are there for her and your granddaughter but do take step back. They have serious issues and they will only be complicated by undermining the parents.

She sounds totally evil. I just wouldn’t want her in my life/ shame she has children TBH- can you get help from one of the charities CA?

I hope there will be even just a grain of comfort for you in the knowledge that SS's are now involved. If there are drugs in the home this is something that they'll be able to deal with so although you did the wrong thing by going against your D's wishes, some good may come from it if it means your GC will have a safer home environment.

There may come a time when the children are older that they'll make contact with you, but in the meantime there's nothing you can do apart from putting your own life back together without the toxicity of your D .

I can see by your post your must have been very upset typing it as it was hard to make out so of the typos and missing words. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make this better . And from what I can make out your daughter has been behaving this way for a long time . Like many of us you have just put up with her behaviour.

How old is your granddaughter who has been accused and the friend ? I assume it's sexual sorry if I am wrong . Did your granddaughter really take an overdose or did she say this just to get away from her mom ?

Unfortunately by letting your granddaughters friends stay over it's has caused more problems. I understand you did it to make your granddaughter happy. But as grandparents we have to follow rules set out by our children in regards to their children. As we set out rules for our own parents to follow in regards to our children.

So I can't advise you in anyway. As the damage has been done and from your post it was long time ago.

Your grandchildren know you love them but you will never win with your daughter. Social services may contact you or have already . And you need to prepare yourself to the prospect of your daughter and grandchildren won't be in your life.

Sorry I can't be of help .

Hello all , newbie here , i dont know where to turn and i have made a massive error of judgement which i know was a mistake and i have to live with , i allowed my granddaughter to have a sleepover with her friends , the following day one of her friends have made an accusation against her and now shes in trouble with the police, my daughter did say in the past dont let her friends stay but i just wanted my granddaughter yo have some quality time with her friends , however i k ow her friend making an accusation is out of my control but will feel bad for the test of my life that my granddaughter is now in trouble. However as a result of this my already toxic gaslighting daughter has the ammunition she needs to yet again blame me for every bad thing in her life , my granddaughter reached out to me to say she had took an overdose and i offered to go straight there to take her to hospital but ky daughter said nah shes lying etc, i couldnt fo anything else but after going with my granddaughter to the station she was took to hospital for the overdose where i was questioned over this , anyway she is ok thank hod but now SS involved, this whole thing has highlighted that there may be drug addiction in the house and this is maybe why my daughter blames everything on me , im only guilty of allowing my granddaughter and her friends to stay but she is out of control , my grandkids ate so emotionally damaged because of her toxicity but she does not see this , im in turmoil now , she says i do nothing but i fo all her form etc have the kids when i can , i dont have them every week now as i had to flee dv but do see them every other week as well as work full time , i cant do anything right and she doesn't see what i do , she just says she does everything and no one helps , just very sad situation, i have chose to walk away from her toxicity and have made her aware of the drugs that may be going on but as always total denial or she says my granddaughter is lying , can anyone give me some advice

jenpax

I am at my wits end! I share a house with my youngest adult daughter and her three children 14,7 and 5 the older two are high functioning ASD.
A bit of back ground. I brought my three daughters up largely alone as their father developed a serious mental health condition when they were small and I suffered DV which sadly the children witnessed. Eventually I managed to get him treatment and he moved into his own flat but as the children were so small I was left a single parent, we lost our house and had to move into private rented housing and I was on a painfully tiny income. I literally spent every penny I had on trying to make the kids lives ok and they all did lots of extra curricular activities and I tried to make sure I afforded as many treats as I could. We couldn't afford holidays but we went camping a lot and the kids did PGL holidays. When the youngest started school I began work part time and gradually increased to full time so I could provide better for them. I started to take them abroad too as I wanted to make up for not having been able to when they were younger.
Fast forward to now, youngest daughter has been studying a nursing degree and is in her final year. I agreed to help her and having sold my own house we got a place together. I do 100% of the cleaning, cooking for the kids, 95% of child care and despite only working part time pay more than half the household expenses. I had a rare form of cancer a few years ago, (prior to this) followed by severe sepsis and have never fully got back to full health.I am exhausted but the worse thing is the verbal and emotional abuse I suffer from her! she constantly puts me down, calls me stupid, brain dead and questions my cognitive abilities. I have put a lot of weight on and she goes on about me being elderly and fat and ugly(I am just 60) . I AM over weight due to comfort eating! I have run myself into the ground to try to help her get on her feet and support my grandsons. I am an intelligent professional woman( although now I will be forced to take early retirement due to how ill i have become). I want to stop this awful situation but I will have nowhere to go and now I will have a low income again. I have canned my savings helping all my children(especially her) and have none left. She tells me daily what a shite mother I am and always have been! I wasn't emotionally supportive enough she says and she is angry about the poverty which despite best efforts I was unable to conceal. we live in an affluent area and any poverty stands out like a sore thumb! Her own children are having a good life because I am throwing my entire income in with her something my own mother was unwilling to do for me.I do not want gratitude just an end to the abuse! When I try to upbraid her she goes on about how stressed she is and how I do not care about her or am unsupportive! I have nobody to talk to about this as I am hideously embarrassed! My other two daughters have hardly anything to do with her due to her toxic behaviour

If I understand correctly from your post. You are 60 and have sold your own house. After you had issues with your H previously, you had to go private rental on a tiny income after your H subjected you to domestic violence. You've had sepsis after you had severe cancer and have to retire on ill health. Your daughter moved in with you, is toxic and emotionally abuses you and you have no savings now. You are over eating and are overweight. You are now back working part time but do all the cleaning and household chores and most of the childcare. You feel like your poverty is obvious to people. If you can access help via your GP or counselling, I think.you would benefit from it

jenpax

Thanks. I am fine financially once I am on my own I know that I will be entitled to UC and PIP (which I already claim) I deal with clients’s benefits in my working life, so its more about getting money together to start again that I was worried about and feeling a failure that I have made such a mess of everything.

Well this was the last post from Jenpax. I hope she no longer feels a failure. I feel she has been very successful and will continue to be so.

Break this down to what you CAN do. You are asking for advice and getting wonderful, thoughtful replies. You have a reason not to take any of the suggestions because of FEAR. Are you afraid of being alone so you put up with the abuse? Unless I missed it, I’m unclear about who owns the house. I suspect your other daughters are giving you advice as well. If THEY were being treated this way, what would they do? What advice would you have for them? YOU DO know what to do but it’s overwhelming and scary.
Find the successful woman you really are! You are a role model to all of your grandchildren so “just say no” and take your power back. Don’t be embarrassed by how you are being treated, it’s more embarrassing to not take action. Do not report her. That will not help you take the necessary steps to set you on the right course to self esteem and courage.
Let your husband deal with her himself. You have to look at what your alternatives are. Plan A, B, or C. Remember, she needs you more than you need her, you have given all there is to give. Cut the cord for your own mental health. You will be surprised at how proud of yourself you will be and that will be a plus for your mental health. Give yourself a timeline of actions as you would if you were on a project - YOU are the best project there is!!

Just to clarify things a bit, PIP and DLA could and are sometimes awarded for conditions that won’t necessarily impact on looking after others. It’s not all about physical problems. 🙂. Some is about mental health issues.

www.mentalhealthandmoneyadvice.org/en/welfare-benefits/pip-mental-health-guide/introduction-to-pip/

I wonder as the two grandchildren are neuro diverse if the daughter could be too !!!
I wonder about the benefits situation ?
I wonder what Jenax has done since July ?
PGL holidays are very expensive!! 100% cheaper to take the kids camping or to the beach if there’s one nearby or the woods for fun days
I hope it’s worked out for her

Allsorts

I know I am resurrecting an older post but wondered how Jenpax is doing. One thing bothered me about this. How can Jenax be receiving benefits exoecially pip, when she is the sole provuder if care for 5 people, PIP is for severe conditions when you couldn't pisibly be running the house etc as tge criteria for claiming is so thorough and difficult.. If you are well enough to run a home for so many and do part time work on top of that I would like to know how. I know someone very severely disabled who was refused it.

I wondered that too Allsorts. It will be interesting to see Jenpax's explanation. Perhaps she can offer advice on how to claim.

So sorry for word and letter changes🙄

I know I am resurrecting an older post but wondered how Jenpax is doing. One thing bothered me about this. How can Jenax be receiving benefits exoecially pip, when she is the sole provuder if care for 5 people, PIP is for severe conditions when you couldn't pisibly be running the house etc as tge criteria for claiming is so thorough and difficult.. If you are well enough to run a home for so many and do part time work on top of that I would like to know how. I know someone very severely disabled who was refused it.

Smileless2012

I'm so sorry Still .

me too... that's so cruel and heartbreaking

I'm so sorry Still .

I have been estranged from my son for 8 years but today I saw him walking to his garage. I got out of the car and walked over to say hello. Why do I never learn! He said to go away and that he doesn't ever want to speak to me. Ive lost all hope.

Unfortunately some children who witness or experience abuse continue that cycle themselves in adulthood.

You can't help her, she can only help herself.

All you are doing is enabling her behaviour.

You need to get yourself out of this situation as soon as possible

jenpax, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through such a bad time. I think all the good advice has been given and I’m no expert, I just wanted to send my support. The only thing you’ve ever done wrong is to give too much of yourself, and you’ve been taken advantage of. There’s nothing at all for you to feel bad about - please, get yourself out of this situation now and look after number one for once.

Thank you

Every individual, when born is a random mix of the genetic inheritance of two people. Sometimes this mix produces heroes, sometimes it produces serial killers - and everything in between.

In your case you have two children who clearly know how much their mother cared for them and gave them as good a childhood as most parents can - and one that doesn't. So you have been at least 67% successful. Hold on to that.

However, no child can ever have a justification for abusing a parent , any more than a parent can justify abusing a child.

I have not had your problems, but I have two children, one of whom, has never caused us any concern and one that we have at times had to tiptoea round, but I know that the reason is nature not nurture. You need to accept the same with this daughter.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and your daughter has zero right to abuse you in this way.

In your attempts to help and “make up” to your daughter for previous “failings”, (personally I don’t think you’ve failed in any way!), you’ve created a monster.

My advice, pack up your things, consult a solicitor, run for the hills.

Good luck