Estrangers and their 'entitled' expectations

It's not a new trend I don't think, back in the day it was 'The Black sheep of the family' and so on. Every estrangement is different so I wouldn't tar everyone with the same brush.

You don't have to leave anyone anything, just write your will with a solicitor as you wish your estate to be shared and to who.

I remember reading years ago that someone in America was ‘divorcing’ his parents because he wanted nothing more to do with them. I remember rolling my eyes and thinking how crazy it sounded.
But I guess estrangement, especially if it’s been going on for years, is the child divorcing himself from his parents to make life easier for him? ( I’m using he in this post but is just as often a daughter I know )

Estrangement is such a complex situation.
I’ve know people who were treated quite terribly as a child, smacked, shouted at etc, yet they remained in close contact with their parents, even seemed to love them.
And you hear of children going no contact for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Which must be absolutely awful.

Smileless2012

^Enter scene new brides. The parents have been estranged post haste as they found the mother in law and father in law insufferable^. Another common trend, parent and AC relationships torn apart by a third party.

Why can't some of these d's.i.l and s'.i.l. have nothing to do with their insufferable parents in law and allow their husbands and wives to continue to have their relationships with their parents. They can't be all bad to have raised two lovely sons .

Agree totally.
And tbh we probs all find some members of our families insufferable but not impossible. So including them in get togethers etc., is hardly the end of the world. This over pickiness with regard to in laws is getting silly, and is something is said or done that is deemed terrible by the wife I imagine the son can have a quiet word with his parents and try to smooth things over.
GCs benefit from a family on both sides.

I know that if my mother was contributing to this thread, she would say I was selfish, ungrateful, she would say my responses to her were hysterical and completely uncalled for.
She would say I always was difficult child, and she had always done her absolute best for me, all lies, but she believes it.
This is why I’m a bit sceptical when parents say they have no idea what they have done, I’m sure that happens, but often I think there is probably fault on both sides.

My experience of estrangement has taught me that some people have poor childhood experiences where money seems to have a high profile.
I see it here with regard to wills etc. My own mum was the first person in my family to leave a will because she owned her own home but had little else.
I was told by a financial advisor that inheritance is the main cause of family breakdown both before and after death.
What a sad reflection on society if this is the case.
There are mistakes made on all sides in human relationships. Blaming the parents/grandparents/children etc is no way to move forward.
Accepting some responsibility instead of casting blame is the only way to see through these complex situations.
It would seem there are those such as Youtube influencers, some psychologists and therapists, as well as social media expressing petty disputes as if they were world wars, are equally to blame by exploiting families at vulnerable times and seeing separation, exclusion or estrangement as the only answer.
I find it all very sad but maybe the tables will turn soon and people will begin to see families as the basic unit of a civilised society and begin to support instead of attacking them.

Keepingquiet, wise words

Nice post keeping quiet ✅

I should have estranged myself from my mother, she had NPD.
She was manipulative, lying, controlling and downright nasty.

It wasn’t an inheritance that stopped me, it was the lies and the damage I knew she was capable of, I have a branch of the family and a solicitor that believes I coerced her for money.

Thankfully I am enjoying my life so much more now she is dead.

I agree Sara1954 that there maybe faults on both sides, but if communication is blocked its impossible to have any conversation.

a lot of estrangements are to do with abuse from either a parent or a child. I don't think money is a factor at all for most people

Bridie, I think that’s the Point, I don’t think most people, myself included, want the lines of communication open.
But I can see how upsetting and frustrating this must be if you want to try and resolve things.

I felt this too, I certainly didn’t want to inherit and it would have gone to my children, her grandchildren, to help them on the housing ladder. I interpreted her actions as her final act of spite, and heaven knows she had a degree in spite.

Communication may be blocked when one party recognises the other party will just deny deny deny and just continue manipulative and controlling behaviour during any conversation. Part of communication is about listening.

Flower
Do they really believe that they will get away with breaking hearts and ruining lives and then later collect their 'entitlement' in the shape of inheritance?

No I would be surprised if they wanted an inheritance if they were estranged... I like to think I'd still leave them one though if this dreadful situation pertained.

The only estranged person I'm close to these days was pleased that her father gave what would have been her share of the inheritance to her children (missing her out) - but she said she would have been happy to have had nothing come to them.

I think if you estrange someone you want no further relationship - surely?

sassysaysso

My mother and I were estranged and when the time came she disinherited me. It saddened me, not because I was being grabby and wanting a handout but because it was the last opportunity for her to show me her love which had been missing from my life.

I felt the same, it felt like her final act of spite, and she had a degree in it so no surprise there.
In terms of an inheritance I certainly didn’t need/want it and I certainly didn’t expect it but will say that it would have helped my children’s first step on the housing ladder and they were her grandchildren after all… she could have chosen to leave her inheritance to them. She didn’t love me.

NotSpaghetti, that is what I would like to happen, but I don’t think it will, I don’t think they expect anything from her, it will all go to my brother and his children, to be fair, he’s earned it.

That is a very blunt statement sassysaysso! I can I assure you I'm very good at listening given the chance.

My parents had already made it clear that three quarters of any "inheritance" was going to my golden princess of a sister long before I estranged my parents. This was because I had given them no grandchildren.

Liverpool funerals (and weddings) are renouned for family rows. On the eve of my fathers funeral my mother expressed how "bitterly disappointed" my father was that I never "gave" them grandchildren. I had earned the highest degree that its possible to achieve in this (or any other) country and forged two successful professional careers. But that was not enough.

Even a mental defective can give birth to a child.

My will leaves everything to one nephew (by marriage) and my blood kin can go swivel.

Aveline, you have no way of knowing if my experience is limited. In actual fact, it is sadly not. You should inform yourself before you pass judgement on me or my post. Read the replies my post has generated and you will see how widespread estrangement is. It is becoming a modern disease. I cannot expand on my particular case as it would be easily identifiable here but believe me I have suffered and endured for many years at the hands of an entitled, brutal relative with narcissistic traits. Their estrangement of me has broken my heart and I feel I am doing time in as sure a way as an emprisoned criminal. I am only just beginning to take more care of myself and seeing that person for who and what they are. Money is a big factor in their life and the only way for me to assert myself. If I am found lacking and you don't want me in your life then my money isn't for you either. I posted here to ask how others deal with that. Please keep writing, you are really helping. Thank you.

Flower21 you should know better than to make sweeping statements like that on GN and not be challenged.

Just to point out, as I know there are quite a number of Scottish members on here, that you cannot disinherit a child under Scottish Law.

I'm intrigued by the ongoing insistence that estranged AC will regret it or suffer somehow. It seems some people find that idea comforting, which is interesting to saw the least.

Rest assured that we don't want anything but to be left alone by our parents. Anything else you think is happening is fantasy.

User138562

I'm intrigued by the ongoing insistence that estranged AC will regret it or suffer somehow. It seems some people find that idea comforting, which is interesting to saw the least.

Rest assured that we don't want anything but to be left alone by our parents. Anything else you think is happening is fantasy.

I think that is true. The natural process in life is for grown kids to take off and not rely on parents anymore, so if they take it one step further and have nothing whatsoever to do with said parents for whatever reason it probably feels liberating in many cases.
But for parents of grown children who decide to do this it can be heart breaking and affect their emotional and psychological well-being, I suppose you could reply ‘well perhaps they deserve it’, and am sure some do, my own husband was mercilessly abused by his father. But what about those who don’t deserve it and have actually suffered emotional, mental, and even in some cases physical abuse from a grown child?
It isn’t the natural process for them to feel liberated and boast about how much better off they are without their GC in their life.
They are left stranded, very much alone, and without a smidgen of sympathy or support from a society that automatically rules in favour of the GC.

Why be sceptical Sara it does happen, parents do become estranged without ever being told why. I know that the reasons shared on GN from those who have estranged are not why our son did, but that doesn't make me sceptical, unwilling or unable to believe what they say.

I don't understand why any one who has estranged will see not being a beneficiary as an act of spite, it will only be so if that's how it's interpreted. If an inheritance isn't wanted anyway then the person who disinherited, if that was their intention has failed haven't they.

Despite our ES's wife being controlling and manipulative sassysaysso, we would never have blocked communication with him and would have done everything we could to maintain our relationship with him and our only GC.

Flower I am doing time... describes it very well. We feel as if we've been judged, convicted and given a life sentence and for some of us, we have no idea what crime we're supposed to have committed.

I'm not aware of any ongoing insistence that estranged AC will regret it or suffer somehow User. There is perhaps for some the possibility, but as we can only talk about our own experiences and feelings in relation to those, it's impossible to say.

Maybe some EP's if they feel EAC will regret what they've done or suffer in some way do find it comforting, just as some EAC are comforted in the knowledge that they will never see their EP's again because they will never reconcile or their parent(s) have died.

I don't suppose EAC are immune from fantasising anymore than EP's.

Anything else you think is happening is fantasy if this is the case it can also be applied to an EAC whose disinherited believing it was done as a final act of spite, and/or because their parent never loved us.

User138562

I'm intrigued by the ongoing insistence that estranged AC will regret it or suffer somehow. It seems some people find that idea comforting, which is interesting to saw the least.

Rest assured that we don't want anything but to be left alone by our parents. Anything else you think is happening is fantasy.

Some do though.
They are on this thread.