Red flags

The merest hint of sexism or racism is a red flag for me.

DiamondLily

OnwardandUpward

I lived in a village, for a while, which had a parish council…I steered well clear because of how unpleasant it was.

Silly really.🙄

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that but I totally understand. Very silly, but I'm not shocked because some of the most unpleasant and unkind people I've met have been church wardens. I think they have missed the point of church.

If I was going to attend a church I'd be watching the character of its leaders to see whether I could respect them and whether they are kind or respectful to their congregation and visitors or whether it's a power trip and "bums on seats".

OnwardandUpward

I lived in a village, for a while, which had a parish council…I steered well clear because of how unpleasant it was.

Silly really.🙄

DiamondLily

OnwardandUpward

DiamondLily

OnwardandUpward

Indigo8

pascal30

If they talk unpleasantly about other people..

I once worked with a group of people whose conversation entirely revolved around running down whoever happened
not be present that day and if everyone was there to moan about our boss.

I found it very difficult not to get sucked into these conversations and often felt awful afterwards. I am also 100% sure that when I was not there I was talked about in this way.

I once volunteered on a Parish Council where that happened. They were exceedingly negative and unproductive, so it seemed like a waste of my time.

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people.

Oh, God yes….why do people want to sit discussing/disparaging others the whole time?

All negative navel gazing…🙄

I think in this instance it was because of ignorance. The person who they were ripping apart had thoughtfully prepared a document full of detail to help them get lottery funding for the building.

Because they didn't understand the item, I think that's why they laid into the person behind their backs. It was horrible and I lost respect that day for most of those people because I have worked in the same area as the person who prepared the document and I knew it was correct. I tried to speak in defence but there was an uproar, no the ignorant ones were determined to trash this (highly intelligent) person.

Oh goodness, that’s sad. A shame when people are treated badly. ☹️

It is, awful. People were shouting each other down. So many egos! It was very unpleasant.

I left that (voluntary) position and have not set foot inside there again. Those people can backbite each other and vie for position if they want to, but I choose to save my energy for nice people who want a respectful two way conversation and know how to take turns speaking and listening! 🤦😆

Judy54

When someone is rude and then says it was a joke where is your sense of humour.

I hate this too. It is an insult to your intelligence as is the line "I'm sorry, I think you must have misunderstood, I wasn't criticising you" when plainly they are. I also mistrust people who begin sentences with "Don't take this the wrong way but....".

tictacnana

It’s a well established fact amongst profilers and the like that those who are cruel to animals can be flagged up as a potential risk.

Yes, but, luckily, I’ve had a virtual (and thriving) menagerie over the years, so I can’t be flagged as a potential serial killer. 👍

OnwardandUpward

DiamondLily

OnwardandUpward

Indigo8

pascal30

If they talk unpleasantly about other people..

I once worked with a group of people whose conversation entirely revolved around running down whoever happened
not be present that day and if everyone was there to moan about our boss.

I found it very difficult not to get sucked into these conversations and often felt awful afterwards. I am also 100% sure that when I was not there I was talked about in this way.

I once volunteered on a Parish Council where that happened. They were exceedingly negative and unproductive, so it seemed like a waste of my time.

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people.

Oh, God yes….why do people want to sit discussing/disparaging others the whole time?

All negative navel gazing…🙄

I think in this instance it was because of ignorance. The person who they were ripping apart had thoughtfully prepared a document full of detail to help them get lottery funding for the building.

Because they didn't understand the item, I think that's why they laid into the person behind their backs. It was horrible and I lost respect that day for most of those people because I have worked in the same area as the person who prepared the document and I knew it was correct. I tried to speak in defence but there was an uproar, no the ignorant ones were determined to trash this (highly intelligent) person.

Oh goodness, that’s sad. A shame when people are treated badly. ☹️

OnwardandUpward

If they show narcissistic traits.

This 100%. Sadly, as several close friends and family have found out, narcissists do not reveal those traits in the early stages- they are VERY good at appearing genuinely interested, kind and empathetic. They only show the other, nasty side once the relationship is established and commitments made, and never in public. They are always charming in public!

It’s a well established fact amongst profilers and the like that those who are cruel to animals can be flagged up as a potential risk.

DiamondLily

OnwardandUpward

Indigo8

pascal30

If they talk unpleasantly about other people..

I once worked with a group of people whose conversation entirely revolved around running down whoever happened
not be present that day and if everyone was there to moan about our boss.

I found it very difficult not to get sucked into these conversations and often felt awful afterwards. I am also 100% sure that when I was not there I was talked about in this way.

I once volunteered on a Parish Council where that happened. They were exceedingly negative and unproductive, so it seemed like a waste of my time.

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people.

Oh, God yes….why do people want to sit discussing/disparaging others the whole time?

All negative navel gazing…🙄

I think in this instance it was because of ignorance. The person who they were ripping apart had thoughtfully prepared a document full of detail to help them get lottery funding for the building.

Because they didn't understand the item, I think that's why they laid into the person behind their backs. It was horrible and I lost respect that day for most of those people because I have worked in the same area as the person who prepared the document and I knew it was correct. I tried to speak in defence but there was an uproar, no the ignorant ones were determined to trash this (highly intelligent) person.

OnwardandUpward

Indigo8

pascal30

If they talk unpleasantly about other people..

I once worked with a group of people whose conversation entirely revolved around running down whoever happened
not be present that day and if everyone was there to moan about our boss.

I found it very difficult not to get sucked into these conversations and often felt awful afterwards. I am also 100% sure that when I was not there I was talked about in this way.

I once volunteered on a Parish Council where that happened. They were exceedingly negative and unproductive, so it seemed like a waste of my time.

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people.

Oh, God yes….why do people want to sit discussing/disparaging others the whole time?

All negative navel gazing…🙄

When someone is rude and then says it was a joke where is your sense of humour.

people who are too friendly and tell you their life story very quickly. the ones that shower you with gifts and compliments. the trickiest ones are the covert narcissists, now they are really tricky to spot! I was raised by narcissists, married one,seemed to be drawn to them throughout my life sadly, after much education on the subject, i feel im fairly free ,but i do have to be careful when meeting new people.

Smileless2012

You were probably right Indigo. When someone's talking about someone who isn't there, you can bet they're doing the same about you in your absence.

EXACTLY!!!

Tuskanini

OnwardandUpward

If they show narcissistic traits.

He ‘has narcissistic traits’. I ‘think of myself for a change, stop trying to be a people-pleaser’. Common advice here!

Yes, I admit I was always a people pleaser as it was drummed into me as a kid that I was not important and only existed to serve the whole (N) family.

As an older adult I learned that thinking of my self is not selfish as I was taught. I learned self care and took a step back. I decided to please myself so someone is always pleased with me, even if it's me It's not been popular to be myself and be happy with that.

Socially - people who start every sentence with 'I', 'When I', 'I always' ... and safety wise, people who stand too close - and move up when you move away!

I think if an animal doesn't trust someone, that's always a red flag for me. Feel free not to like cats or dogs that's up to you, but if my dog doesn't like you, that says a great deal to me.

As a cat lover, although I no longer have one I think people who hate cats is a serious one User. I agree that your cat not liking someone is a definite red flag.

People who can't apologize to someone else without talking about how they feel. They can't be the only one wrong at any point. It must be reciprocal or it's unfair.

People who always have to have the last word on something.

People who pick apart everything you say. If you can discern someone's meaning and instead point out small inconsequential discrepancies and use it to discredit their opinion.

People who discourage you from seeing health professionals. This one is big for me. Telling someone not to seek help is such controlling behavior and incredibly damaging.

And finally a less serious one. People who hate cats, or cats hate them.

OnwardandUpward

If they show narcissistic traits.

He ‘has narcissistic traits’. I ‘think of myself for a change, stop trying to be a people-pleaser’. Common advice here!

My MIL frequently criticised her 2 daughters to my OH and me. The youngest daughter (who is a very unpleasant person) recently gleefully told OH what their mother had said about us to her - and was then very shocked to learn about all the things her mother had said about her to us!

A problem when someone is offended that you don't believe the same as them or think the same as they do.

My ES was extremely intolerant of any opinion that wasn't his, sadly. I have always admired individuality and freedom of choice, but he disapproves and has attempted to control and coerce others in the family in extremely damaging ways....

I've never really encountered anyone like it before.

Red flags and alarm bells with a partner like that Cossy.

Someone who is only happy when everything is going their way and expects their own way in everything.

In a partner, one who starts to tell you how to dress, criticises any choices you make and hate all your friends!

Spuddy

When we invite them into OUR house for a cuppa and they moan that they don't like our cat, ''get rid of it'', they don't like our flowers ''get rid of them'' etc. etc. ''I want those gone by the time I come up next''.

We've got news for them! Our cat isn't an ''it'', she's a she, she's our little beloved daughter.

The flowers are ours too so there will be absolutely NO ''next time'' you come up because you're banned from our house for life!

I can't imagine anyone ever saying anything like that. To be invited to someone else's house and come out with something like that? Never heard the likes of it.