Daughter won't communicate with me at all

There are also red flags where people are trying to shut down conversations where abuse is not a reason for estrangement, and the constant suggestions that some EP's are being less than truthful when talking about their own experiences, is just one example of this.

Some AC walk away because they can't get what they feel they're entitled too; childcare and money for example and we see cases where this has been the reason here on GN. It's not just EAC who know that abusive people don't change, that said we have had input from posters whose parents have made much better GP's than they ever were as parents.

Why, why does abusive parenting keep coming up by people that know nothing of our situation. If it hasn't happened to you so don't judge me. I can say I know people long married, who don't get on, its just easier than parting, children, those putting up with demanding or difficult parents, but i don't judge them, it’s their business. Those that did love and lose their ac we understand others who have had the same happen to them, so we just support each other. there are no pearls of wisdom weve done enough reflection of our own, more than enough. Those that do estrange others come at it from a completely different perspective, as they made the choice.

To try and shut down the EP's who haven't been estranged because they were abusive Allsorts. For some there appears to be only one narrative that's acceptable when it comes to estrangement discussions, and that narrative is abuse.

EP's accept that some EAC estranged because of abuse and it's a shame that that acceptance can't be reciprocated; that not all EP's are abusive. It's been this way for as long I've posted here for 11.5 years, and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon.

@Smileless and @Allsorts

I echo what you have said. Some of the questioning actually feels similar to the pattern of behaviour I have experienced from my AC and partner. Respect is demanded by them for their point of view while mine is thrown back as being flawed and wrong.

The reference by @VioletSky to 'honest truth' - I have no idea what that means. Of course you are worth listening to, no one is trying to shut you down. By implying some truth is more honest that other truth, the message becomes patronising.

The OP came here looking for answers and I wouldn't be surprised if her trauma has been added to when all she needs is understanding and to be believed. She loves her AC with all her heart and her heart is breaking. A few words of comfort and support will mean the world to her and I hope she has been able to glean a few elements of other EPs' experiences which will help her through it all.

This estrangement thread is /can be an invaluable place for estranged parents, however due to constantly being judged by some posters can make it uncomfortable to come back to for support

In fact that applies to any estranged parents threads on GN,

@RubyLegend
I hope the OP does find some comfort reading through replies, if only to know that she isn’t alone.
I really feel how powerless and despairing she is. In cases like this, without knowing the full details, as fellow human beings we can reach out in sympathy. Judging others is not called for unless we consider ourselves in a court of law.

I think that it would be better to examine your reactions because I do not see what people are talking about, just comments vilifying estranged children for no reason here

No one is vilifying estranged children VS. No one is questioning the validity of what those who have estranged or whose partners/husbands/wives have done so say about their particular circumstances.

They are not being asked if they've self reflected and if they say they have, they are not being doubted.

I'm surprised that you say you can't see what people are talking about which is blindingly obvious and yet 'see' something that isn't happening at all.

I agree with what you say about 'honest truth' Ruby, that it implies that some truths are more honest than others and in relation to this thread, suggests that the truth of those who have estranged is more honest than the truth of those who've been estranged.

I think it would be at least helpful if not better for some time to be taken to think about what EP's are saying here VS, rather than disregarding it and trying to turn it around by saying that EAC are being vilified when in fact it's the EP's.

Why are my feelings irrelevant but yours paramount?

There would be an extremely quick and easy solution

Instead of "EAC" this "EAC" that, simply quote or name the person you are responding too or have an issue eith

1, I wouldn't know who is or isn't an EAC anyway and 2, then other EAC won't feel personally attacked for trying to help people

@VioletSky

No one writing here wants views to be polarised as in a 'my views are irrelevant and yours are paramount' approach. Many of us have lived through that kind of discussion and it often leads nowhere. It maybe relevant on a one-to-one basis but feels like prodding on a thread like this.

The EPs have shared their experiences with this OP and there are many nuances in their stories and feelings. For me, I hope that one tiny part of my comments touches her and she doesn't feel so traumatised.

Again... Where is the need to say "EAC" this or that at all?

It's unfair on an entire demographic who are allowed to post and comment here

Can we address that please?

I’ve been on here a while, mainly, although life is complicated, due to my life for 18 years, being about bouncing estrangements, by my step children, who made my late husband’s life a misery. I’ve also had other estrangements going on.

None of it involves my birth children.

But, subjectively, ACs that come on here, say they’ve been abused (in whatever way), have chosen to estrange their parents. and have been kindly treated. No dispute about what they are posting.

Any EP, coming on here, needing support with being estranged, is immediately accused of deliberately not understanding why their adult children have cut them off, or perhaps some hidden abuse, or needing self reflection/counselling.🤷‍♀️

I’ve never understood the difference. 🙄

RubyLegends

@VioletSky

No one writing here wants views to be polarised as in a 'my views are irrelevant and yours are paramount' approach. Many of us have lived through that kind of discussion and it often leads nowhere. It maybe relevant on a one-to-one basis but feels like prodding on a thread like this.

The EPs have shared their experiences with this OP and there are many nuances in their stories and feelings. For me, I hope that one tiny part of my comments touches her and she doesn't feel so traumatised.

Every estrangement is different, so I also hope OP is reassured by some of the comments.🙂

Your feeling are not irrelevant VS, just sometimes they are inappropriate .

Actually that isn't true and I have had some pretty awful responses here and you would only have to look at the support thread to see untrue and very inappropriate comments about me personally

And I am in no way inappropriate due to having estranged my mother, my comments are as valid as anyone else's

So again, why the need to make constant sweeping generalisations about EAC?

What is so very dangerous about how we advise people to deal with personal situations?

If every Situation is different then why are individuals here so sure our advice is inappropriate?

Could you point too the pretty awful responses you've had here VS, the sweeping generalisations about EAC and where EAC have been personally attacked.

I asked you yesterday who you were referring too when you referred too silly cattiness, a sweeping generalisation but you haven't responded.

No one's saying that advise coming from those who've estranged is very dangerous or inappropriate, the issue is some of the responses to those who have been estranged which as well as being inappropriate are extremely judgemental and off putting to anyone seeking advice, support and understanding because they have been estranged.

It's those who have been estranged who are often the entire demographic being treated unfairly.

Smileless There is no point you and I having this discussion is there? But it is in fact on the support thread

I am also a real person and I give you and everyone else the courtesy you are denying me as an "EAC"

At the very least, practice what you preach

This forum does not need to be hostile and as a long term poster I do my part to avoid that... As should you if your true goal is to help others

@VioletSky

In general, advice can be inappropriate when it is provocative.

You used the term 'silly cattiness'. As a person relatively new to these boards I wondered what I had stumbled upon.

Let's focus on this posters' issues. Forced estrangement is devastating. Let's remember that.

I wasn't responding to you or OP

And this is not a witch hunt

My own words were used against me in an inappropriate way and I responded/reacted...

It is not I creating a hostile environment and as an Autistic person, I have no ability to be dishonest about that

So either address my concerns about it or don't but this won't work on me

@VioletSky

So be it.

RubyLegends

@VioletSky

So be it.

Do you think the sweeping generalisations about EAC are ok? The constant treatment like we are all here to cause some sort of trouble? Do you find it acceptable?

Or am I justified in saying, I am trying to help people, perhaps others don't agree with me or my thoughts but that doesn't make it untrue?

This thread is about EleanorRose’s unhappiness in relation to her daughter cutting her off with no explanation. We seem to have drifted a long way from that.

Sadly yes, but if you trave it back you will see that EAC aren't responsible for that either