When is it time to cut loose from toxic family members?

I am estranged from a sibling as well as my daughter, a long story I won’t go into here, but in answer to your question, if you are posting this question - obviously having been thinking of it for some time - I suspect you already know the answer but don’t want to face it.
In my case once I realised that my life was far worse with certain toxic influences in it I knew that I had to distance myself for my own well-being. It isn’t an easy decision to make and maybe right now you are not quite ready to make it, however, you already know it is a distinct possibility.
I wish you well with this. X

Thank you. I have had a non-existent relationship with both siblings for decades to be honest. We do all the 'christmas' present things. But don't go round their houses, and we are not on the phone. Siblings often post old pictures online of themselves round each other's houses or on holiday together. In stark contrast spent the weekend with a friend of 24 years who was the sibling I never had.

findingmyway

Thank you. I have had a non-existent relationship with both siblings for decades to be honest. We do all the 'christmas' present things. But don't go round their houses, and we are not on the phone. Siblings often post old pictures online of themselves round each other's houses or on holiday together. In stark contrast spent the weekend with a friend of 24 years who was the sibling I never had.

Yes I have a lifelong friend who became everything my sister never was, sadly she passed away recently.
Tbh if you have so little contact going no contact will not be so much of a big deal.
In all of this you need to think of your own well-being and whether you want their toxicity in your life or not, I think the answer to that is a no brainer but this can only be your call, nobody can tell you what to do.
X

So sorry to hear about your family problems. I have been estranged from both my mother & my 2 older sisters. I couldn't conceive again after my first born alas. However, very racy sibling seemed to take great delight relating her termination history to me!!! I decided to cut her out of my life. My darling mother & older sister took my sister's side & I have not spoken to any of them for 30yrs. It's been very lonely but at least I have a good husband & lovely children. I don't miss the coven at all, as I like to call them. 🤔

I am sorry about your experience Ilovedogs22. You expect your family to be your cheerleaders. I can't help but feel slightly envious of friends (and people in the media) who appear to have close siblings. I guess it's just the luck of the draw. I have a loving husband of 30 years and also good friends that I consider family. I don't want to feed the toxic family members by not sending gifts to nephews but part of me thinks you get nothing back in terms of time.

Please make sure first and foremost that your sisters do not spoil your precious time with your precious mum. Do you need to send cards and gifts to people, if you do not receive any form of acknowledgement. Some people just don't get it and are extremely ungracious. Could you focus on just being at peace with yourself and ignore or grey rock (look it up on line) so that the quality of your life is untarnished.

On a serious note (and this seriously is not about 'inheritance), two older siblings are also my mum's power of attorney. As I have non-existent relationship it concerns me how much influence they may have over mum. Sister does text through to my husband's phone whilst telling my mum she hasn't got my mobile number (I've had the same mobile number for 15 years...) Middle sister has moved out of her partner's home after two decades to an unknown address (mum doesn't even know the address she's gone to). In contrast my in-laws from Scotland have shown more care and support over the last three decades.

Findingmyway
You ask when is it time to cut loose etc.
The time is now.

Not much you can do about your mum’s choice of who has power of attorney, nor any influence your sisters might have over her. Would try to distance yourself from this whilst trying to give your mum as much love and care as you can in her final days, certainly she knows what is going on but for her sake as well as yours try to just make her last days as stress free as possible. Is a very tricky situation to navigate and I do feel for you having to face all of this, but try to prioritise your mum and your own well being right now over everything else.

I don't think you really need to cut loose here, I think what you need is to just stop trying

These people make you unhappy... Invite people who do care for you to your special occasions instead

Let the relationships go, stop sharing any personal information with them, let the distance grow...

Estrangement is best saved for when abusive people won't let you go or stop trying to hurt you... If the relationship would just naturally fizzle out, let it

Thank you very much. I also realise that this is a manipulative game they are playing by ignoring me completely. My husband is the voice of reason and is hugely supportive. He's witnessed their behaviour and said that he's never met such a disloyal family.

How utterly horrible for you.

People, particularly relatives, can be so heartless and toxic and selfish.

In the words of the song, Let it Go!

Tuaim

Please make sure first and foremost that your sisters do not spoil your precious time with your precious mum. Do you need to send cards and gifts to people, if you do not receive any form of acknowledgement. Some people just don't get it and are extremely ungracious. Could you focus on just being at peace with yourself and ignore or grey rock (look it up on line) so that the quality of your life is untarnished.

Great advice

I'm so sorry that you are going through this findingmyway. Please try to put this unpleasantness and those responsible for it to one side, so that you can make the most of the time you have left with your mum, that is the most important thing for you both.

You can decide what to do about your sisters later .

Sound advice from Violetsky

pascal30

Sound advice from Violetsky

Thank you for saying that

Sometimes it is just easier to distance relationships without leaving opportunity for arguments etc

These people aren't supportive and would likely hurt OP in a breakup situation whereas, quiet distancing and responding politely when necessary might avoid conflict

Especially with mum's needs

I am so sorry about your mum being so very ill but I don't think it is right to ask your mum to speak to your siblings when she is ill.

I would wait until after your poor mum passes away and then cut ties with everyone.

I totally agree with what you say about not getting mum involved. Prior to her cancer diagnosis, she knows that the relationship with the older sister is particularly bad. The sad truth of the matter is that my mum is the only family member that I am in contact in out of the family made up of a widowed mum and two sisters. I compensate by having kind and supportive in-laws. It's my sister's birthday next week but quite frankly I think why should I bother sending a card when she can't respond to a text or email? I agree that distance/no more public response is best as it also plays into people's very spiteful game playing. Thank you all for your advice and kind words.

findingmyway for you and your mum.

I virtually cut my brother loose after our Dad died, and I didn’t mention it to Dad.

After DH died, I cut him loose completely.

No loss to me. 👍

I've never understood sending cards/presents to family we don't like/socialise with.
I stopped this with my husband's family earlier this year after a particularly nasty falling out between my husband and his sister.
Just continue to spend time with your mum and don't allow behaviour of others to spoil it.
We can't change how others behave, only the way we react to that behaviour
Thinking of you xx

VioletSky

I don't think you really need to cut loose here, I think what you need is to just stop trying

These people make you unhappy... Invite people who do care for you to your special occasions instead

Let the relationships go, stop sharing any personal information with them, let the distance grow...

Estrangement is best saved for when abusive people won't let you go or stop trying to hurt you... If the relationship would just naturally fizzle out, let it

I agree with Violet. They arent engaging so let it fizzle out.

The POA issue is different and I would chat to your mum about this in terms of her wishes and ensure that she feels supported 💐

I would do it now. They will drag you down, look after your mom, you haven't the energy for their nonsense, no need to fall out, later you can estrange but tell them why.

Yes, when someone dear to you is dying, the one thing you don’t need is tantrum throwing relatives.🙄

Ignore them - just concentrate on your Mum.💐