New to Gransnet - estranged from our son

CeliaQ

How sad to hear that your son even cut you at your husband’s funeral Celianne, that must have added a huge amount to your acute pain and grief. Our son and family didn’t come to our Golden Wedding celebrations this year, which was a lovely opportunity for the greater family to meet up - he missed out on seeing all his cousins who he had such great times with as a younger person at family gatherings, and seeing our great nieces/nephews who his kids should be having fun with when they get the chance. Everyone had such a nice time - but he kept his kids away from a lovely family occasion. It seems so pointless and unnecessary, and what is it all about?

The problem is the parents are denying their children a relationship with their grandparents and sometimes other family members as well. I said to my DH the other day they hurl all kind of accusations about being rubbish parents but then often use their children in their cruel mind games.
As the Americans tend ti say - go figure!

My heart aches for all those who are estranged from their AC. and can only imagine your pain and distress . I hope the support given on GN will provide a little comfort. 💐💐💐

It is like a hole in your heart. I feel for you. It seems some marriages/partnerships are made in hell and your son seems to be in one of them. I think you have had some good advice here and it is so true how common this is.

I have no answers but have almost been there myself in that my son left his partner and we have been in a tough battle to get access to his seeing his daughter, which he now does.

Maybe he is afraid that if he leaves she won't allow him to see the kids? It isn't fair to them either. He seems to have chosen the lesser of two evils.

As long as your grandchildren are happy and thriving I should heed the advice here and concentrate on those who love you.

You never really know how these things will pan out but I wish you all the best.

How sad to hear that your son even cut you at your husband’s funeral Celianne, that must have added a huge amount to your acute pain and grief. Our son and family didn’t come to our Golden Wedding celebrations this year, which was a lovely opportunity for the greater family to meet up - he missed out on seeing all his cousins who he had such great times with as a younger person at family gatherings, and seeing our great nieces/nephews who his kids should be having fun with when they get the chance. Everyone had such a nice time - but he kept his kids away from a lovely family occasion. It seems so pointless and unnecessary, and what is it all about?

💔 for you all

Sorry to hear of both your cases GrammyP and Celianne86. Shocked to hear of your son’s behaviour at your DHs funeral Celianne, but I shouldn’t be, have now heard of so many ACs who treat their parents like this. My own daughter told friends we don’t often see that we were both dead, they were really surprised when they bumped into us a little while later.
It is hard but when things are like this you have to accept that you can’t change him, but you can change how you choose to get on with your life. Sounds like you have more than one AC, so draw comfort and love from those you do see, and any others around you, live what life you have left and think of your own well-being. Life really is too short xx

Hi Celia from another Celia who is also estranged from a beloved son and feels your pain .If I knew why he had become to hate me so much and why he has kept my daughter in law and grandchildren away from me I could perhaps accept it but he has now cut himself off from his brother and sister again without any explanation.
My husband, his dad, died recently and at the funeral I was ghosted by them all in fact when my eldest son asked him to speak to me he replied ..I don’t think so…
He did allow his son my grandson to be a coffin bearer and I was able to speak to him, tell him I love and miss him and gave him a big hug but that was the only contact I had. They even sat away from the family group in church and did not attend the wake,the cruelty of this breaks my heart.
I am old now, not well and every day I pray he will come back before it’s too late because he is still my very dearly loved son no matter what he might think and I miss him.
I hope you find some consolation by reading the support thread on here knowing you are not the only mother grieving for a living child it has certainly helped me.

This behavior reminds me of my son. He is always on edge and angry. He has been for years. Except for when they separated for a year. He was his old self and the happiest we have all seen him in years. Then he went back.......

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and understanding. It is actually beyond understanding to know how these things develop, when he grew up in a stable loving family. It helps to know there are others going through similar things. It is indeed like a living bereavement Smileless. It’s as if our son felt he had to choose his wife’s way of seeing the world - to him that meant totally rejecting his birth family’s way of dong things. It’s as if he is worried that his world will fall apart if he steps out of line with her. I feel sorry for him too because she seems to have cut him off from his more spontaneous self. I think that’s where all his anger towards me has arisen - he’s really angry with her for controlling him, but afraid to express it to her.

As Smileless says, check out the Estrangement Forum. You will find you are not alone

Hello Celia, when you say after a warm, loving, mutually supportive and respectful relationship with our adult son for many years you give a perfect description of the relationship we had with our youngest son before he married and estranged us.

I'm so sorry that you are having to live with this too.

Being in a good marriage and having your supportive D's and a GD living nearby will be a huge source of comfort.

Estrangement is often referred too as a living bereavement as those of us who've been estranged grieve for the AC we've lost but still lives.

Your daughters and your GD cannot of course make up for the son and GC you are estranged from but it is them and your husband of course, that you need to focus on.

We were I believe fortunate that our eldest GC was just 8 months old the last time we saw him and we've never had any contact with his brother. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel to have the GC you know and love taken from you. That is something that we've been spared.

You wonder how other GP's cope. I suspect just like you do by taking each day at a time especially in the beginning and focusing on those we love who love us in return.

You've established a relationship with two GD's you haven't seen since December and with them being 11 and 14, that is not something they will ever forget even if for now, they're not allowed to have any contact with you.

There's a support thread on this forum you may like to take a look at, where we share our personal experiences, how we cope and more importantly those times when we're not coping.

Knowing that we are not alone and being able to share with others who are also estranged, has been one of the most important tools we've found to help us cope .

Hi Celia, so sorry to hear you are going through this, but you will indeed find many who have also been where you are now. Including myself. Firstly you are not alone. Secondly try the thread for friendship and support for those estranged after this. I have found it helpful. My eldest daughter was very like your son, a loving happy young woman until she wasn’t, then she became hostile and abusive. But like you I have three other daughters who she is also estranged from and I see 3 lovely GCs, but I haven’t seen my other GCs for over 10 years.
I wouldn’t wish the pain and heartbreak on anyone but you will get through this, for now take comfort in the love of your DH and other ACs and GCs. Get on with life as best you can and put your own well-being first. Life is too short.
Take care xx