May I offer a little hope?

You are welcome

Thank you DaisyDaisyDo 💕

Babs03, Sorry, this lady and others deserve some praise and I just wanted to give some

You've echoed my thoughts Babs; a good post.

DaisyDaisyDo

Admitting mistakes can be so hard as well as becoming a better person. So much strength and bravery doing that and sharing it here

Yes indeed. Can't have been easy.
But let's not lose sight of the fact that for some parents suffering long term estrangement from their children, as well as adults suffering other kinds of estrangements, soul searching, apologising, and admitting mistakes - because let's admit it we are all human and muddle through the best we can most of the time - doesn't always work, in fact it can do the opposite and enable further mind games and abuse.
This doesn't mean that those not reconciled with their children or other relatives are not 'better people'.
Just making this distinction because sweeping generalisations can be taken personally by those who could be still suffering the pain of estrangement.

Admitting mistakes can be so hard as well as becoming a better person. So much strength and bravery doing that and sharing it here

I hope you are now reconciled with your family, Goldieoldie15 🤞🏼🥰

Why do our children have to do this?! Do they really think we/they are eternal. A bit of generosity of heart and acceptance we are all fallible. Do they really think they are perfect and have all the answers. I was at the receiving end of this drama some years ago. Pure folly

albertina taking a step back goes against every ounce of our maternal/paternal instinct but sometimes it's the only option open to us.

I would like to think it's possible. I had to give up on my younger daughter. After a lifetime of trying to help her I found that there was nothing I could do when her father came back into her life after not bothering with her for years. He has led her down the road to extreme conspiracy theory thinking . This combined with a life threatening devotion to veganism ( after nearly dying of bulimia as a teen) caused me to take a step back. I became a lone parent when this daughter was just 6 months old.

Great news well done for acknowledging your part on the causing of estrangement

So happy for those who have their families back together, what a wonderful thing

eddiecat78

We had 5 years of estrangement starting about 10 years ago. It did end but not due to anything I did. In fact nothing I could have done would have made the slightest difference. Likewise, I was in no way responsible for the estrangement in the first place. It ended when DIL's controlling behaviour became so unbearable that the marriage ended.
You can "hope" for estrangement to end, but you have to accept that you might not be able to facilitate that - and you still need to survive and move on.

Good that the coercive control ended. It is so damaging to relationships.

But, not everyone sees through it, as you say, and situations can’t change.

But, happy for you. 💐

shamene

Very happy for you !
Wish the same for myself and all others as it’s very painful to go thru .. best wishes all ..xx

Thank you Shamene, & I'm so sorry for your situation. I wish you well for the future , & so hope that it resolves itself soon xx

Being unable to do anything to prevent estrangement or bring it to an end and not being responsible for it need to be taken into account when relevant, when discussing reconciliation.

Coercive control is so destructive eddiecat, I'm glad there was a happy ending for you and your son.

We had 5 years of estrangement starting about 10 years ago. It did end but not due to anything I did. In fact nothing I could have done would have made the slightest difference. Likewise, I was in no way responsible for the estrangement in the first place. It ended when DIL's controlling behaviour became so unbearable that the marriage ended.
You can "hope" for estrangement to end, but you have to accept that you might not be able to facilitate that - and you still need to survive and move on.

The joy of reconciliation is being celebrated stillawip. Even those who continue to be estranged are expressing their happiness for those who have reconciled.

I'm sorry that your last 3 years have been a disappointment heavenlyheath. It sounds as if you've done all that you could, which is all that any of us can do .

Very happy for you !
Wish the same for myself and all others as it’s very painful to go thru .. best wishes all ..xx

Oh dear. As I have said, I'm so sorry for those still estranged, and every other thread I could find on the forum seems to be available to them for support and comment. So it would just be so wonderful if others, like myself, were permitted to have just one thread where the joy of reconciliation could be celebrated, and the hope of that happening could provide some comfort to those going through it. With the greatest respect, even in my darkest moments I never wanted to read phrases like 'spoiled brat' or be advised not to waste my time on my child. I just wanted someone to give me hope that all would be well in the end with my beloved child, & tell me that that could happen. I didn't want to hear "yes, but it might not". I couldn't find such a thread, so now that I am through it I created my own, and was hoping that it could just be gently here for others to read...

Everyone can do with some self-reflection regardless of the circumstances surrounding estrangement. I've spent years working on myself.

Some of the flaws my mother has pointed out are things I identified and worked on in therapy. I just didn't work on it in the context of fixing my relationship with her. I actually did that for myself and my marriage. I could better manage a contentious relationship with her now compared to when I estranged. The problem is that this work I've done on myself has also led to more respect for myself and what I'm willing to go through for her.

You have to want to change yourself. Passing the burden on others to tell you what to fix will either leave you feeling resentful of that person, or turn you into someone you aren't just to please them. The changes you make for yourself may just change what you want for yourself as well.

Every single person is responsible for themselves and their own personal growth. It is no one else's burden. And if you decide you don't need growth, you should accept the stagnation that comes with that decision.

You can give your all to your family and get very little in return no respect, no visits. A sad state of affairs but happens. My last almost 3 years have been such a disappointment.

Well, intransigence can be one reason for estrangement ….but so can a multitude of other things.

Demanding regular large payments to stay in touch, (addictions). and finding the elixir of eternal youth (old people are burdens, after all) are just two that spring to mind for me….🙄

Buy, hey, ho, to some it’s all about having chats and apologising for some unknown thing …🤷‍♀️

Another story of reconciliation which is good to hear Fae1 and good to know that at least now he accepts that he was in the wrong; "Kids eh! Who'd 'ave em".

Well it's difficult to comment on what you've posted due to its vagueness icanhandthemback. There can be of course intransigence on both 'sides', and what may be considered by some justification to estrange wont always be seen that way, even by others who have estranged.

There will always be clues there if we listen ... I'm sure there will stillawip but not everyone is given the opportunity to listen are they.

Grannymel12

Im in the same boat unfortunately. I've been accuses of saying 'many' things to upset dil but given any specifics. Hiw can I defend myself/amend how I speak without knowing the facts. Not see son or granddaughter since 17th August, nor new grandson born 3 weeks ago. Apparently they need some family time eve though I was invited to meet granddaughter at only one week old. Just have to grin and bear it I suppose. Fingers crossed for reconciliation but not holding out much hope.

Be patient and try to get on with your life whilst they adjust to their new family dynamic. It may well be that you will never know what caused your DiL to feel the way she does, and I know it is so hard to stop wondering why, I can be like a dog with a bone with it, but try to put it out of your mind and in a little while maybe send something for the baby and GCs with your son. See how it lands. But for now enjoy the day and hopefully in a little while things will improve.
All the best 🙏🏾

Correction- there are people who have felt as you do.