Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

You are right Spring20 to feel sad shows how much we care. And though estrangement doesn’t define us it is a part of a rich tapestry that makes us who we are and though we all wish it could be different we accept what we have in the here and now and draw strength from those who love us for who we are.

Sorry you have been struggling Whiff - it is hard to stay cheerful when you’re in pain. Hope it improves soon and you can get back to doing all the things you enjoy.
Also sorry to hear about Mr S. Is hard when the feelings suddenly creep up on us. I know some on here are coping alone with estrangement. Is really difficult also to be part of a couple and see your other half upset, and to try and comfort them when your heart is breaking too. Went into town today. Lots of busy busy people. Allowed myself a moment to breathe and realise our quiet Christmas is also a blessing. Felt much calmer. Very few folk will not be managing some sadness in their life. It is what it is. We still crave a perfect family gathering but I suspect that will always be more of a fantasy than reality for many if not most. I plan to walk with friends, get in some nice food treats, do a Christmas jigsaw and organise our tv watching! Hope you can all plan to do something nice for yourselves too. Estrangement is part of us but not everything, even if it feels like that at times….especially Christmas time. To be sad is also a way in which we acknowledge that we care.

@Smiles, thinking of you and Mr S at this time, is tough but you have each other and the love of your son in Aus, take comfort in that and give each other a hug 🤗
We don’t always mention the toll it takes on our DHs, but of course they suffer like we do. Mr B was upset the other day when once again he realised this will be the first time we will not send stuff for the GCs at Xmas.
Sometimes I think I will just be glad to get past all this and start the new year as I mean to go on. But how much time do we wish away. And how much time have we lost already?
Have a great Xmas 🎅 if only to prove that you can.
Sending love ❤️🙏🏾

Big hugs to Mr.S and you of course Smileless, Christmas brings up memories that hard to suppress, but we keep moving forward.
So pleased to see so many Gransnetters showing their support, it gives you hope that these awful posts will give up due to unpopular demand 🤣
Hope you are feeling better Whiff ?

PS Hope you got your door cam sorted Yogin.

Afternoon everyone, I hope you all had a good weekend. We did but Saturday was rather sad as Mr. S. was struggling. It breaks my heart to see him upset but it's to be expected as Christmas Eve will be the 12th anniversary of our estrangement.

We had a nice meal out Saturday evening and a lovely walk with the dogs yesterday afternoon, not to mention face time with our DS in Aus. yesterday all of which helped to cheer him up.

I hope you enjoyed the Salvation Army carol service Jaffa. It does help to put things into perspective. Sometimes we forget about all the good that's in our lives when the pain of estrangement gets us down or as it is for you, the stress due to the fear of it happening.

Of course you want to do all that you can to maintain your relationship with your GC but don't do so at the expense of your own welfare Jaffa .

We were spared that Allsorts until we were estranged. It was all over so quickly and only then that the verbal abuse and criticism started but still no explanation as to why .

I don't always respond to the nasties it depends what they say TBH, but it's been lovely to see support from those not estranged who are just as appalled as we are.

There's a lot to be said for having short hair Whiff, mine's been short for most of my life and only ever sees a hairdryer when my hair dresser wants to use one.

It's awful to be in pain and you clearly had quite a scare so there's absolutely nothing for you to apologise for. Nothing's off limits on this support thread, whatever it is you want to share will be listened too .

The speed with which GN are responding is great isn't it Babs. I wouldn't mind betting that the vast majority aimed at specific posters don't even get seen by the intended 'victim', they disappear so quickly.

I only saw one yesterday and that was the one I reported.

It's lovely to see you posting Ruby, you are as you say a survivor and have every right to be proud .

Your friend's experience eddie and your own supports what we say about our own estrangements. Our friends who'd known us and the boys for many years were astounded when they learned of our estrangement.

The thought of your friend's EAC volunteering to help others in distress is rather worrying isn't it, when there's no thought or concern for the parents they're treating so badly.

Popping out now for a walk with the dogs, just a short one before their tea as they had a long run off their leads with their dad this morning .

@yogi get that doorcam sorted, you want to keep an eye on your dreadful neighbour!
👍🌺

Welcome back RubyLegend.
I love your summing up of what happens to us - they demonise us and then erase us!
In a nutshell!
They fabricate their own narrative then feel justified in cutting us off. Indeed one only has to read the rants of trolls - ACs who estranged their parents - to see how the demonisation includes all estranged parents. And the venom is astounding.
Obvs some ACs are estranged for reasons of abuse/neglect, but my guess is they really don’t want to relive their anguish on forums like this. I imagine they are busy trying to forget and getting on with their lives.
The only reason we are here is to try and make sense of the senseless.
My heart goes out though to all the GCs robbed of a loving relationship with their grandparents. They are too young to have any say, the parents have simply decided unilaterally to take that choice away from them.
We also stand in solidarity with you. The survivors. 👊🏼

Babs03

I also reported the trolls. Sorry Allsorts and Smileless who bore the brunt of it. Is just unforgivable the way they target the forum and those seeking help head for the hills.
Of course we know who is behind all this disruption. 🙄
Take care all 🌺🙏🏾

I suspect there were a lot if reports to GN. Good!

Whiff you don't owe anyone an apology; this thread is for sharing your feelings and getting feedback, sympathy and maybe advise about all sorts of things. It's awful to be in pain and I hope you are feeling better whilst you read this. It makes you feel better just writting it all down and getting some sympathy from your friends here, so nothing to apologise for

I only read your first paragraph Whiff and now I must go to try to sort out my doorcam that won't charge . Back tomorrow......

Morning all

Jaffa I am definitely a different person to before this estrangement.

Whiff hope you are feeling better today, it would make you feel down if you are in pain. I didn't know you can have side effects from VitD & Calcium, I take those myself, they are said to be very beneficial for preventing colds and strong bones.

The cruelty shown by some children is incomprehensible. I've had experience of estrangement myself (now over) and now have a friend who is facing it. I have known her children since they were born and know they were both treated fairly and given every opportunity - yet one of them is now accusing them of numerous faults. What I find odd is that the estranging child works for a charity and also volunteers to help people in distress - but they are uncaring about the distress they are causing

Good morning all. I don't post often but wanted to wish all EP a peaceful time over the Christmas holidays.

Our journey as EP is now two years, six months since the final cut off, the time before spent chasing what we now know was an impossible resolution.

We had to be demonised then erased. We know what was said and laid out as, particularly my, crimes. Oh yes, we were blindsided by the ferocity of the hate, the slow, painful game of hope that we played. We now know that any attempts to resolve things was merely more ammunition to estrange us.

The hate no longer resides with us, we let it go. But the continued estrangement means its live and kicking with our EC and their spouse.

This is time we will never get back and that's what is so sad. I stand in solidarity you all and also stand proud as a survivor of deliberate cruelty.

I also reported the trolls. Sorry Allsorts and Smileless who bore the brunt of it. Is just unforgivable the way they target the forum and those seeking help head for the hills.
Of course we know who is behind all this disruption. 🙄
Take care all 🌺🙏🏾

Allsorts someone had a hard on for you . Glad to see it has been deleted. I reported it along with others.

Why everytime someone starts a new thread asking for help the trolls appear. And it seems to be banned posters coming back on . Thankfully GN are dealing with them but they must be fed up like the rest of us. Thankfully they leave the bereavement and health forums alone .

Good morning everyone. Just looked at the new thread and duly reported, I wish people wouldn't respond just report. Babs, the way they are bought up not knowing grandparents will one day rebound. When they get to be teenagers will question, wouldn't you?. Thats when they find out there's other family all without two heads.
Apart from the odd wobble of which Christmas and birthdays are triggers, we can and do live good lives.

Hope you are feeling better now Whiff 👍
Of course we care about you, just as you have shown how much you care about others on here, including myself. And quite frankly it wouldn’t be the same without your rambles, love reading them.
Am afraid your sense of obligation/duty towards relatives, even those who were difficult towards you, is sadly lacking today, we looked after my MiL when in all honesty if we were like some ACs today we could have kicked her to the curb and gone on forums bad mouthing her and getting wholehearted support from others. No doubt a therapist/counsellor would advise us to cut off. And all the precious years our GCs had with her would have been lost.
This is what they don’t get, this ‘me,me,me’ generation. It isn’t all about them. It is about family and doing the hard yards to keep the family together - obviously abuse aside, and undoubtedly if my DHs dad had lived past his childhood my DH would have estranged once an AC. Today everything is disposable, including parents and grandparents. I mean for goodness sake if parents or grandparents cross boundaries or critisize that is not grounds to toss them aside, have read so many posts on this site from parents/grandparents terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing. This isn’t life. Is a Disney film. It just makes me so sad when I think of all the GCs being brought up without the love of all their family around them. But of course because they have been set an example by their parents I imagine they will also cut off from family as ACs if things don’t go their way.
Take care 🌺🙏🏾

Babs my dad was beaten by his dad and stepmother and all the children where malnourished apart from his youngest sibling who was born with Down's in 1950 he was cherished and not put into a home as a lot of disabled children where in those days . My dad took beatings protecting his brothers and sisters. But he never hated his dad and stepmother he would never call it abuse but he said they didn't spare the rod. I have days before he escaped by joining the army when he was 17 his brothers and sisters where frightened their parents would kill him . So he faced being killed in a war rather than at home . I asked him once why he didn't hate them and he said he thought it was normal until he meet my mom . His youngest brother always got good food and birthday and Christmas presents but mom made sure his other siblings got birthday and Christmas presents.

What your husband went through and my dad didn't make them into bad people but loving and caring for others. It annoys me so much when people who say children who are abused turn into abusive parents .A few many do but not the majority.

My dad's dad died few months after I was born but my parents took me and my brother to see all mom's side of the family and my dad's every week . Plus all our great aunts and uncles. I was very lucky to have my parents . Wasn't brought up with money as they worked on the shop floor of factories. But we where rich in love and attention . That's why I never knew I was different as I was loved so much and me being in constant pain and falling all the time was normal . Even though I was the only one in the extended family to do it .

Better shut up and brave having a shower glad I had my hair lopped off short again .

I will be back you have been warned 🤣🤣🤣. Thank you all for caring 💞

Only just caught up wuth yesterdays news on here as not a good day yesterday
Whiff. I thought it was your back and hip not your bones and shoulders, no wonder you felt frightened. You will not go back to how you were for several reason, first the medical treatment where you are is far superior to where you were living, the people nicer, the bungalow warm, equipped for all your needs, most of all your daughter is near and always there for you. Then you have your groups, the Brain Charity and us lot.I know how pain brings you down but you know the tablets are the problem. 💐
Jaffa, Sorry your Christmas is clouded by the uncertainty hanging over it, your daughter. I know haw you are made to feel because that's what I had. Looking back, because hindsight is wonderful, I wish I had said, its pointless you coming you ruin everything and I live in dread of your judgement and hard words.Like you I didn't because I didn't want to be estranged but in the end I was anyway but that was what she wanted.Life is precious, you must put your well being first, know your health at the moment is uncertain but you will with help get better. Think what you achieved, you had a career which you were good at, you married, you raised your children
so don’t doubt yourself, you managed before her you will again. So look at the positives you have which are many, whether she comes or not ir if shes nasty, rise above it as its temporary but learn from it. You need not put up with it again.
I have a fold up stick rarely use it but its brilliant if I should.
Love to everyone today whatever you do.

Whiff there is no need to apologise. Your pain,emotionally and physically, is significant and cannot be minimised by comparing with others. I hope you are feeling better this morning .
I intend going to the Salvation army Carol service this morning on the bus. They are a lovely group of people and I would like to become more involved with some of their charity work next year. Their hall is filled with food parcels and donated new toys which families will choose from this week. They have been referred by different organisations as people in need. I find it helps to put my own life in perspective when looking at other people's struggles. I have a warm home,food on the table,friends and a loving daughter. My grandchildren are precious to me and I am fighting to keep in contact with them.

Jaffa I really don't understand your daughter she should be worried about you and her sister having the operation. Don't be surprised if she doesn't stay for Christmas lunch as from what you have said before she changes her mind at the last minute . Is your Irish friend staying for Christmas and new year ? I hope so .

Spring Christmas day is only one day but we are bombarded with adverts of the perfect Christmas and perfect family get togethers when in fact every year more people are spending Christmas day on their own. After my husband died and the children left home I was prepared to have Christmas on my own as the children had their own lives . My son came the first Christmas after leaving and after that said he had to work . Which I knew was a lie as he was a chef but his restaurant didn't open Christmas day but I never said anything. He was living with his wife to be . He came news eve and left on the 2nd . My daughter came every Christmas on the 23rd and went home on 27th . I did tell her I would be ok on my own as she was living with her husband to be .

When after getting married my daughter and son in law got their first house it was 6 weeks before Christmas and she was upset when she said she wouldn't be coming for Christmas as they wanted to work on the house. But I was fine with as I never thought after my husband died I would have Christmas day with anyone. My brother asked me to theirs but said no I would be fine . And I was it was just another day just better telly.

In the new year my son came as usual. My daughter phoned and said we have painted your room green hope you like it. So mainly my daughter and son in law fetched me on the 23rd and either my daughter or son took me home on the 27th. I alternated between the couples who I had Christmas day and boxing day with.

When we married we decided Christmas was for us and alternated between parents for boxing day and 27th. But always had my parents on new year's day .

We had his mom from Christmas eve until boxing day evening the year his dad died . The worse Christmas day we ever had. She was spiteful to our daughter and only bothered with our son . She wanted Christmas pudding but we never had that just ice cream after a big lunch . She huffed and puffed the rest of the day. I had decided never again . When my husband came back first thing he said we are never having her here again.

My brother always had my parents for Christmas tea as my dad always wanted his lunch at home . Then when dad died he had mom all day. When I started coming up here for Christmas he had mom as usual but fetched her her Christmas eve until boxing day. It was the only rest I had from looking after both mom's.

Mom's last Christmas when mom's dementia was getting worse my brother and sister in law said they didn't know how I coped as they found it hard and their was 2 of them . But I just got on with things like we all do .

My first Christmas here I was supposed to be going to my son's but he cancelled and said he would be to tired after working Christmas eve I knew it was a lie but just did what I always did and let it go . My daughter was furious and I think she had words with him but we decided when we had children we would never pry into their lives and have stuck to that. He said he would pick me up boxing day then late Christmas eve said they where coming to me but bringing all the food to cook here.
My daughter in law sat in the armchair and crochet and only answered questions if I asked rest of the time she never spoke to me . But muggings even though I knew things where bad I was just happy to be with them and played with my grandsons and my son cooked a lovely lunch .

I think covid gave a lot of children the excuse to finally dump their parents . I have meet lot of people who never saw their children once the lockdowns where over . And meet a lot of people glad they never had them as they saw how much their friends hurt when their children didn't want them in their lives.

I have been open about what my son has done because of the support I get from everyone here . So found people talk to me . That's me being a chatterbox. 🤣🤣🤣.

Going to the Brain Charity has opened up a new world to me and so glad I left my old craft group. I saw them in a different light and had been questioning why it was the same people bringing things for our drinks box and it was always me making the drinks . Where at the Brain Charity everyone brought things every week there was no difference between the more well offer people . Where as it was the wealthy members of that craft group who never contributed but bragged about all the holidays to far away places every year.

People here I know from past posts have noticed the same thing about people . I just treat people as I want to be treated . I don't care who has what but have found those with the least amount are the most generous. I don't mean with things but with giving you time and friendship. Mind you last week at craft group one of my Gelli group was there as she was going to another activity and she had brought me a cardigan so I wouldn't be cold . Such kindness ..

I owe you all a big apology for my post yesterday especially Jaffa . Jaffa all you have are going through with the worry about your daughter and your own health problems. And I am being pathetic because of the pain and fear of going back to how my life used to be .

Jaffa glad your daughter came through her operation well and hopefully healing well. Waiting for the histology is always worse but hope the results are in her favour.

Jaffa glad to hear your balance is improving and walking without your stick please be careful and hopefully you still take one with you incase you need it. My sister in law has fold up ones to use when not in her wheelchair . I can't go anywhere without mine so it's a basic one I brought as my old NHS one lasted me from 1988 until 4 years ago when I treated myself to a new one but the same style . But it's stronger than my old which I use in the garden .

I know they can see the lesions but have you ever had your whole genome genetically tested? For me it changed my life just 2 vials of blood being tested my whole life made sense and found out I wasn't weird but born with the rare hereditary Hyperekplexia gene mutation SLC6A5 type 3. Finding the support group everything my body has and does do is normal for HPX . I am no longer weird. And having the Clonazepam stopped the limb jerks and 4 seizures I had for 32 years within 2 weeks. I have been in pain my whole life but having the extra tablet for the nerve pain 3 years stopped any pain flares until this week. I never dreamt I could feel like I have this week. It's not just the pain but at 66 I shouldn't be this frightened. Been there done that never wanted it ever again . And all I wanted was for my husband to hold me and make everything better.

Jaffa so glad you have your loving friend Irish friend with you to give you the hugs and support you need.

Take it easy Whiff, day by day , please look after yourself, and hopefully as the tablets wear off you will be feeling better soon.
Big hugs x

Whiff sorry that you are suffering,hopefully the reduction of tablets will start to have a positive effect. It's horrible to be in pain and feeling vulnerable. Your daughter and grandchildren will be a blessing to visit you.
Take it easy,rest and hope you will feel better soon x

Oh am so sorry Whiff, you are not feeling sorry for yourself you are in considerable pain and very tired, didn't know you could get pain from high dose calcium and vit D, that is worryin and glad you knocked it on the head.
Your daughter is a star. So glad you have her.
Take care
Sending hugs
xxxxxxx