Estrangement

Thank you all for the very supportive messages. My thoughts go to those of you who are going through the same unbearable situation albeit at different stages. When I wrote my first post, because I was upset and not thinking straight, I may have been too clumsy with my description of the intervention of the therapist. Apologies but to clarify I have seen in writing the therapist's own confirmation that she has advised my child and spouse to stand united against us. This then led to estrangement. I acknowledge that most therapists will be very professional but clearly not this one. Without going into detail this person has succeeded in breaking up a previously happy family. We had an excellent relationship with our child and grandchildren [regularly cared for them] until the therapist intervened. I believe my child was dealing with the fact that the spouse was difficult and controlling but then when they both had therapy the therapist seems to have put the blame on the rest of her family. [My child by the way has also estranged from other close family members] This according to some experts in the field of estrangement by adult childen is a common and increasing trend. [See Joshua Coleman, Barbara Drizen and the idea of the 'Mother Wound'] But thanks again and it is good to share these things.

So sorry to hear that Poppy
I am not estranged (nearly was, few years ago), but goodness me - I have such moody daughters-in-law, especially the younger one. I tread on eggshells all the time, but for the sake of peace, I just play by the rules.

Hello again Poppy, it's good to see you've posted as it always worries me that people may have been put off if they've received judgemental and unpleasant responses.

You have nothing to apologise for. It's not always easy to cover everything in one post, especially if it's your first and you're finding it difficult to think straight because you're upset.

This does seem very odd, and this may be seem even odder but are you certain that what you've seen has been written by this therapist? There seems no reason to me why s/he would feel the need to put the advice they've given in writing and give that written confirmation to their client/patient.

It is common for the one whose estranging to estrange other close family members as I think all of us on GN who have been estrange, can attest to. They don't want to be disagreed with and/or be in a position where they may have to explain/give reasons for their actions.

sorry, posted too soon

Or if there's a history of abuse from the one they've estranged, they may feel that other family members have been complicit by not doing anything to stop, it or will attempt to excuse the inexcusable

What can you physically do towards the situation Poppy? Can you report the therapist for conduct? Do you have evidence of coercive controlling behaviour by the husband you can take to the police?

@poppy glad you came back. This therapist/counsellor sounds extremely unprofessional, I imagine the whole idea is for therapists to let their client make decisions, not to make those decisions for them. We have a similar bad experience which I told you about on the other thread, though in reflection I wonder if was the therapists fault or our estranged daughter’s for using the fact she needed to see a therapist against us, and embroidering upon what the therapist said. Certainly we could never trust her word, and our other daughters are also estranged from her for similar reasons. Perhaps your daughter has also fabricated what the therapist said? Am sure is easy enough to fake this in writing. Don’t get me wrong my distrust of therapists is never going change but also our estranged ACs can go to great lengths to abuse/hurt us.
Her spouse could be difficult and controlling but if there has already been a restraining order made against you am afraid you need to stay away and try to get on with your life, and I mean ‘get on’ with your life don’t waste any more years just biding your time waiting to see if she relents. Life is too short. Distract yourselves with things you enjoy doing, and gain strength from those around you who love you and support you.
Take care 🙏🏾🌹

Coercive partners are extremely clever and gradually pick, pick, pick away, alienating both friends and family so that they, (coercive partner) have complete control over their partner, who may not even recognise it’s toxic.

I wonder who suggested therapy and why?

You have all my empathy Poppy, I truly hope you work things out.

In the meantime do you have any other children, and are they still in touch with your daughter?

Apologies just reread your post and can see that the restraining order didn’t succeed, but perhaps take that as a warning that your daughter and her spouse will try any means to stop you seeing them or your GCs.

Babs03

@poppy glad you came back. This therapist/counsellor sounds extremely unprofessional, I imagine the whole idea is for therapists to let their client make decisions, not to make those decisions for them. We have a similar bad experience which I told you about on the other thread, though in reflection I wonder if was the therapists fault or our estranged daughter’s for using the fact she needed to see a therapist against us, and embroidering upon what the therapist said. Certainly we could never trust her word, and our other daughters are also estranged from her for similar reasons. Perhaps your daughter has also fabricated what the therapist said? Am sure is easy enough to fake this in writing. Don’t get me wrong my distrust of therapists is never going change but also our estranged ACs can go to great lengths to abuse/hurt us.
Her spouse could be difficult and controlling but if there has already been a restraining order made against you am afraid you need to stay away and try to get on with your life, and I mean ‘get on’ with your life don’t waste any more years just biding your time waiting to see if she relents. Life is too short. Distract yourselves with things you enjoy doing, and gain strength from those around you who love you and support you.
Take care 🙏🏾🌹

Lovely and fair, sensible advice.

I feel for you too Babs, children can be so cruel.

Thank you. In terms of the therapist I can confirm that she did write this 'advice' as it was used as part of the ongoing dispute as evidence. [I have a copy in which she confirmed that she had advised them to ....' etc. The most frustrating thing about the whole awful situation is that my child and spouse absolutely refuse to engage now at all, They have been extremely hostile and refuse to give any explanation for their actions. Of course it would be acceptable to estrange if the family had been abusive but that isn't the case. We did manage one breakthrough when a meeting was arranged [my daughter agreed and set a date] but at the last minute the spouse stopped it happening.

Was the therapist putting the advice in writing evidence used for the restraining order?

My advice remains the same Poppy, the fact that you describe this as a ‘dispute’ and restraining orders were mentioned shows how much you have invested in trying to fix this. But I also know the toll this will have taken, and how much your well-being will have been compromised. If you say your daughter was willing to meet last time perhaps ask an intermediary who she will communicate with and who isn’t in her spouse’s bad books, if you can arrange a meet up. But don’t try any more than this.
You have gone above and beyond in trying your best to fix what is not in your gift to fix right now. It will continue to tear you apart whilst achieving nothing.
So sorry you and your husband are in this dreadful bind. 🥺

Thanks Cossy 🌹

Thank you

Luminance

Was the therapist putting the advice in writing evidence used for the restraining order?

That’s what I’m wondering as in that case it does make sense that the therapist would have made a statement. In either case it maybe best for op to focus on acceptance of the current situation over anything else for now

The restraining order wasn’t granted. So, whoever decided on it obviously discounted the “evidence” of the therapist,🤷‍♀️

OP - if you feel this therapist has acted unprofessionally, or overstepped to mark, you can make a complaint, and you can complain to BACUP, assuming this therapist is a member.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/protecting-the-public/professional-conduct/how-to-complain-about-a-bacp-member/

Best wishes. 🌺

Good advice DL.
If this therapist behaved unprofessionally he/she should not be practising, though looking at recent news stories I think monitoring unprofessional therapists is not easy.

Babs03

Good advice DL.
If this therapist behaved unprofessionally he/she should not be practising, though looking at recent news stories I think monitoring unprofessional therapists is not easy.

No, it’s not. Unlike medically qualified psychiatrists, it’s a bit Wild West out there.

I’ve worked in a lot of fields that have involved counselling, and not all counsellors are much good. 🤷‍♀️

Hopefully, one day, they will be more closely controlled and monitored.

Poor quality counsellors can cause chaos. ☹️

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Your comments are interesting Mippsy.

I wonder how you reconcile them with children who don’t only estrange their parents, but siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents etc

All those people in the wrong? If you keep falling out with folks, you need to look in the mirror and ask the tough question…what is it about me?

Pantglas2

Your comments are interesting Mippsy.

I wonder how you reconcile them with children who don’t only estrange their parents, but siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents etc

All those people in the wrong? If you keep falling out with folks, you need to look in the mirror and ask the tough question…what is it about me?

Indeed. Our eldest daughter is not only estranged from us but from her other three sisters who actually encouraged us to disconnect because of her increasing abuse.
Am sure Mippsy would like to find a way of twisting that but I imagine she won't be hanging around too long.

GNHQ just told me that Mippsy was a previous poster trying to post again with a different name. I reported. The poster is now banned.

"Apologies but to clarify I have seen in writing the therapist's own confirmation that she has advised my child and spouse to stand united against us."

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.