Estrangement

Hey Poppy, apologies for earlier posts, as Smileless said there have been trolls on threads to do with estrangement recently and some are jumping to conclusions.
But do come back to let us know how you are getting on and remember to look after your own well-being for if your daughter is being coerced and one day breaks free she will need both of you there to be strong for her.
Take care xx

Not a good idea to be too quick to judge Grams.

Let's hope that the deleted poster hasn't put Polly off coming back on DL.

That's a good point Luminance s/he may help the OP's D but it's notoriously difficult for the victim of coercive abuse to break free, especially when their family has already been estranged .

That might prove difficult if the daughter can’t/wont talk to OP. 🤷‍♀️

Hello Poppy41 The therapist could be a positive in helping to identify an abusive husband. Maybe take it as an opportunity and go to therapy with your daughter?

Grams2five

MarmaladeMarmot

This has to be a copy cat, no way this is real.

It's not just a coercive husband, but the Therapist hates you too? Next you'll say their church pastor, neighbor and dog all think you should be estranged from.

I’m thinking a windup as well. Her coercive husband forced estrangement but her therapist agreed with him? Either this post is make believe or perhaps you’ve left out whatever missing reason the husband and the therapist joined forces against you.

It seems as though the wind up was from the now deleted poster - not the OP. 🙄

If Poppy comes back March she'll probably tell us she was told by her D and/or her si.l. which would make sense. I wouldn't have thought anyone would think she had direct contact with her D's therapist.

How do you what her therapist has said?

You're right that a good therapist/counsellor doesn't tell their patient/client what they should or shouldn't do DL, which is why I suggested in my earlier response, that that may not be the case.

With all the unpleasantness there's been recently, caused by 'new' posters on this estrangement forum it would be a shame for Poppy to be silenced which is what happened on another thread, if this is a genuine post.

Poppy hasn't said her D's therapist hates her MarmaladeMarmot and it's interesting that you've mentioned the murder of a pet snake as that was in a thread intended to dupe members of this forum, by an EAC.

Where does your assumption that it is in fact the OP, a mother/m.i.l. who is at fault for being over bearing coming from? Or is this simply another example of how it can never be the EAC whose responsible.

Coercive husbands/wives/partners can be responsible for estrangements Grams so why do you think this may be a wind up? Why does there have to be a missing reason for this situation and why does that have to be a fault of the OP's which you appear to be suggesting?

I'm not sure why the OP is being met with incredulity, it's not as if estrangement is always because the parent's at fault and never because of a relationship with a coercive partner, so I suppose it could be because it doesn't fit with the preferred narrative of others.

I hope you wont be deterred from coming back Poppy.

Taking the post at face value.

First off, I have never seen a counsellor/therapist in my life, but I was always under the impression that these therapists, or good ones, never TELL anyone to do anything. I thought they just discussed things so that the client could work out what THEY wanted to do. 🤔

So, unless you have been contacted by the therapist (highly unlikely), you can only be going by what your daughter/SIL is telling you.🤔

And, of course, therapists can only go by what they are being told by their client. The account of events could, in any situation, be a Fairy Story, the whole truth or all things in between.🤷‍♀️

I would, for now, just let the whole thing calm down, and get on with your life, painful as it might be.

Best wishes.💐

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MarmaladeMarmot

This has to be a copy cat, no way this is real.

It's not just a coercive husband, but the Therapist hates you too? Next you'll say their church pastor, neighbor and dog all think you should be estranged from.

I’m thinking a windup as well. Her coercive husband forced estrangement but her therapist agreed with him? Either this post is make believe or perhaps you’ve left out whatever missing reason the husband and the therapist joined forces against you.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Hello Poppy. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it's heartbreaking to lose your child and GC due to estrangement.

Until our son married we had a great relationship but have now been estranged from him and our only GC for almost 12 years, and we do believe that this is due to his wife.

Coercive control is abuse and as with all situations where there's abuse in adult relationships, the abuser does everything they can to isolate their victim from family and friends. They don't want them to be in contact with anyone who may have and voice any concerns they may have about the relationship.

Over the years I have seen examples of AC who having had therapy/counselling have made the decision to estrange. You say you know her therapist advised her to break ties with you, presumably because she told you.

That could be the case but it might not be, and could be your D and/or her husband's attempt to give the decision to estrange validity, saying that the decision's been taken on the advice/suggestion of a professional.

Whatever the reason; her coercive husband, advise from a therapist or a combination of the two, as you'll have discovered there's nothing you can do to change it, only your D can and maybe one day she'll be willing and able too.

In the meantime make the most of what you do have. It isn't easy as all of those who've been estranged can attest too but it's the only thing we can do x

Hi Poppy,
Sorry to hear that you have been estranged from your daughter and GCs for some years now. I have been estranged for many years, and yes there was some influence from her husband as well as his family, but she takes all the credit for her behaviour towards us, she was not coerced in any way.
In your case this is worrying, a husband who encourages his wife to cut ties with her family is probably a control freak and will not be good news for your daughter but if she is enabling him you can't do anything about it, as you already know for the restraining order proves this much.
As for therapists, my daughter saw one just before we were estranged, and from talking to us normally one week suddenly started coming out with stuff about disconnecting from toxic influences and getting rid of the dead wood in order to free herself to get on with her life. These were not terms she would normally use, and shortly after seeing the therapist she became increasingly abusive/hostile.
To be honest a family therapist in circumstances like this I can understand, then everyone has their say, but any other kind of therapy I would definitely advise against.
I know is hard but you have to at some point try to move on so that you can heal. Nothing you can do will change things right now and if you keep trying your own wellbeing will suffer.
I wish you well with this.
xx