Poem to my Mother

I wrote this poem many years ago (in 2012) and have always felt it should be shared. Not being into social media, I was unaware of any forum where that could be done. I recently saw the article in The Guardian about estrangement issues and became aware of this site. Writing the poem was cathartic in itself, however, I never chose to share it with my Mother or any other family members because I felt that doing so would have only caused more strife and generated both derision and denials.

I DESPAIR...

Where this goes, I do not know
But what’s not acceptable is the status quo
You’d like to pretend there’s nothing wrong
Could anything break through, it’s gone on so long?

You see the problem as my angry response to your actions
You play the martyr, then round-up the family factions
You mislead, distort, lie and pretend
And it’s so sad, it’s going to go on and on without end

Once again, no doubt, you’ll take this as an attack
It seems beyond you to recognize, but I’m protecting my back
I told you before, I’ll never stop fighting the lies
There’ll be no stop to my protests, my denials, my cries!

I wish, like you, I could make believe and this would all go away
But I know that’s never going to happen, not forever and a day
When trust is shattered and bonds are broken
Can you question why I could wonder, “Is your love more than token?”

I can’t get through it seems, not even with plain English
Discussion, imploring – nothing works – not even my raw anguish
When I cried, “It’s not true! It’s not true!” - your only thought:
“Might the neighbors hear?” Not, “My son’s overwrought!”

I really wish once that honesty could be brought to bear
Unfortunately, it seems that’s just too much for you to wear
So many others have now been poisoned with your dishonesty
I’ve been left aghast, wondering: “Where’s the integrity?”

You seriously minimize your culpability
Won’t, or can’t, even recognize your responsibility
And while it really is true that honesty is the best policy
It’s sad I’ve come NOT to expect that in actions between you and me

Lies about my husband, his life, his family
You said you’d correct things, you even promised me
But did it happen, don’t bet on it, not on your life
Better to let it fester, another sad, needless seed of strife

Three years you asked me, “What do you want from my estate?”
Repeatedly I replied, “For you to decide, not for me to relate.”
I cautioned about conflict - asking for requests
I said it was surely better left up to your bequests

But you insisted even though I resisted and I finally gave precision
I expressed a choice, still stating, “It should always be your decision.”
Only to later have it thrown in my face, greedy ingrate that I am
“Did I want everything back I had ever bought you?” was the awful, vicious slam

You seem even somehow to think you should be compensated
For things you did to the cottage you were asked NOT to do; that I hated
Your ability to twist good I’ve done to the negative
Saddens and perplexes me, it’s all so destructive

“You have to reflect on what you choose to believe.” I said at last visit’s end
An extended period of silence, instead, was the message you chose to send
Even through Xmas and New Year’s Day too
Though I tried to call you myself, not a word came from you

So many lies, so much conniving and, yes, even deceit
The poison’s spread so wide, I can do naught but retreat
I can no longer strive or hope for resolution
Doing so now would just be an act of delusion

You’d like to pretend there’s nothing wrong
How can my response be anything but scorn?
You twist and pervert my words and deeds
It hurts so bad, my heart, it bleeds

And it hurts to write this, we once were so close
Now the state of affairs is so very morose
You’re practiced and adept at ignoring my voice
Though I’m trying to help, you’re suspicious of my choice

You fail to understand that betraying your word has consequences
Thinking you can do so with impunity is full of self-indulgences
You couldn’t tell the truth about why you lost the cottage keys
For your actions, you seem to accept no responsibilities

Better and easier to treat me as the villain
Misrepresent the facts and be unwillin’
To tell the truth and finally fess up after all
Your own words and deeds were what led to this fall

Too often you respond to my choices with guilt trips
It’s well past the point that I’ll ever come to grips
With the negativity, the suspicion, and the distrust
Doc says, “Stop thinking about it, you’re going to bust!”

I love you, you’re my Mother, but you have to be told
It’s hard, oh so hard, to think of you staying at our abode
When you want to persist in pretending there’s nothing wrong at all
Even though I think things are so bad, they’ve gone far beyond the pall

I’m no longer prepared to pretend there’s nothing wrong
We’ve been down that road too long, it’s the same old song
When I cried, “It’s not true!” and still didn’t get through
I learned then and there, this is too much for you to chew

Easier for you to pretend and simplify
Even if it means insisting on believing your own lie
I’ve been so seriously taken aback, appalled and, sorry, disgusted
My sense of family ties has very seriously been busted

It’s beyond the possible, it never will happen
I’m sorry to say and it does nothing but sadden
For want of light or perchance note of resolution
There is no possible mutually-satisfactory solution

From what I can see, it goes so beyond you and me
The infection has spread, and it will go on, we will see
The lies live on, they bloom and they flourish
Tended, kept and held close; products of your nourish

Your word is gospel; why then offer me chance of defense?
Of course, I’m always guilty, what else could make sense?
Well, I’m fed up, I’ve had it, I’ll stand it no more
There’s absolutely no sense of fair play, I know, in my core

I want to give up, relent and opt out
I see no hope for detente; sad, I have no doubt
I wish it weren’t true, but there’s been too much betrayal
It’s all gone so very far too much beyond the pale

I don’t know where this goes, I’m mixed up to my toes
Family conflict is complicated, anybody knows
I love you, I hate you, I need things based on truth
I refuse to believe that’s just the naivety of youth

I may stand alone, but at least I’ve been honest
Unwilling to make believe or suspend the truth test
I wish I had hope this could truly get through to you
But I realise now, that that’s more than I’ll ever do

Much as I love you right to my core
You’ve left me living with an awful, festering sore
Will you ever read this, I don’t even know
Yes or no, whatever, it won’t change my sorrow

And, I despair...