Poem to my Mother

Ziggy62

Trip3

Wow, such a powerful poem. I couldn't read it all the first time.
So much pain
I do admire you for being there at the end for your mother
Have you read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" Sorry I've forgotten the name of the author
Thinking of you
Excellent poem

I also enjoyed the book "You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother" written by Danu Morrigan.

The title is a little on the nose, to say the least, but the tone aims for light-hearted yet informative. It's written for daughters but not for any real reason, the foreword is clear that the contents are just as applicable for sons if they have/had a similar relationship with their mothers. Or with fathers who act in similar ways!

Much like it helps to see my own experiences reflected in this poem, it helped to see them reflected in books like these. I think it helps to bring some clarity to those interactions where something feels very wrong but you just can't quite put your finger on it or make any sense of it. Though, of course, some things can never truly be made sense of.

Why all these deleted posters? The post was written by an estranged adult child so I avoided.
The posters deleted are estranged by their adult child and grandchildren, kind people who are moving forward with people just like them because it takes a lot of getting to terms with. If they didn't care they wouldn't be here believe me. Anyone that abusers a child don't care what happens to them.

I appreciate the poem you shared, OP. I had a lot of similar emotional experiences with my own mother and I love that you shared it here.

I also love the recommendation for "You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother." I read that when I first estranged and it was so helpful to reframe what happened to me.

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How beautiful. What an intelligent, creative and strong person you are!

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Yes, my mother was apparently quite upset and I'm sure she still is. After all, we were very "close" before I estranged her.

I don't think her being upset means she cares about me. She's most likely upset about the loss of my support. I was a tool for her self-esteem, among other things. She desperately wants to believe she had nothing to do with it, so that's what she believes.

Unfortunately she is a damaged person (as am I). But unlike myself, she has no desire to confront the damage and so she passes it on. I feel like her upset over my leaving is largely performative for herself and the extended family. This way she can control the narrative.

To be clear, I am speaking of my own experiences and those of other estranged children I know/have spoken with.

I withdrew my first post (thanks, GNHQ!) as it made reference to another withdrawn post and was no longer wholly relevant, so just posting again to retain the part that's still pertinent:

Trip3, your poem is very moving and so insightful. I imagine you made the right choice by not sharing it with your mother before she died, as it seems she would likely not have heard you any more clearly than she did on the previous attempts at honest emotional communication you wrote about. I can certainly see how it would be beneficial for you to write it and be able to validate your own experiences regardless of her being unwilling to engage with them. The anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, love, guilt and confusion tied up in your relationship with your mum are palpable in your poem. A beautiful piece of writing, thank you for sharing it.

Every estrangement happens, for different reasons, All age groups and relatives/in laws, can be abusive. It’s not exclusive.🙂

Lots of support here for OP and others. Having read "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" and many years of counselling and psychotherapy I'm not sure I could manage another book but I'll make a note of them.
Strangely I found out quite recently (about 5 years ago) an old school friend had similar issues with her mother. We were quite close at school but never talked about it, that was in the 70s, maybe people didn't talk in those days. We now help support each other but I doubt we will ever be healed. Sad

Trip3 - such a heartfelt. I hope publishing it here has brought some sort of closure.
You should be proud that that you were with her to the end. Relationships between parents and children are fraught with difficulties. I should know. I often wonder what my children would say about me after I’ve gone. I know I wasn’t the perfect mother but I did my best .
Put this behind you and live your best life

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What on earth is happening with all these deleted replies? I’ve never seen so many on one post and many from people who never insult?

Your poem was very thought provoking, insightful and terribly sad.

Thank you for sharing

Meseren

I withdrew my first post (thanks, GNHQ!) as it made reference to another withdrawn post and was no longer wholly relevant, so just posting again to retain the part that's still pertinent:

Trip3, your poem is very moving and so insightful. I imagine you made the right choice by not sharing it with your mother before she died, as it seems she would likely not have heard you any more clearly than she did on the previous attempts at honest emotional communication you wrote about. I can certainly see how it would be beneficial for you to write it and be able to validate your own experiences regardless of her being unwilling to engage with them. The anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, love, guilt and confusion tied up in your relationship with your mum are palpable in your poem. A beautiful piece of writing, thank you for sharing it.

Thank you to the many of you who have commented. I'm gratified that my poem has touched some of you and that some identify with my own experiences.

Meseren: your comment to me hits the nail right on the head, in retrospect I am glad that I never shared this with my mother - I'm sure it would only have exacerbated the situation. Writing it, however, definitely helped me. I'm no poet but at the time thoughts were swirling in my head and somehow this came out. When I decided to put pen to paper the prose just flowed out like a stream of consciousness. Your references to the anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, love, guilt and confusion are SO apt, thank you for your insightfulness.

In response to some of the comments I would like to say that my mother was not evil nor am I an angel. I know that sometimes the way I say things to people can be unintendedly hurtful. This was a complicated relationship, sometimes difficult and sometimes very loving. And, while I pulled back somewhat, we were never completely estranged. When my mother fell ill there was never any question or doubt, as a loving son my place was by her side and I did not hesitate to go to her. I am grateful that I did. Being with someone at the end of their life may be difficult and emotionally draining, at the same time, though, it can also be extremely rewarding.

Take care everyone and once again thanks for your comments. I cannot believe that my post has somehow become a trending topic.

I'm baffled; when I read the thread at 10.00 today, I saw many lovely supportive and encouraging posts. Been out all day and find that those posts, plus many others, have been deleted. Why?

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Dear Trip3 I wondered how you are doing now? Has sharing the poem with us helped you find some peace? It is far easier to talk here now as the all those disposed to argue have not been seen for a while!

Luminance

Dear Trip3 I wondered how you are doing now? Has sharing the poem with us helped you find some peace? It is far easier to talk here now as the all those disposed to argue have not been seen for a while!

Thank you very much Luminance for your caring and concern. I am, in fact, doing quite well. When I wrote this poem back in 2012 it was very therapeutic to have put these thoughts on paper. It definitely helped me come to terms with my situation even though I chose not to share the poem with my mother or even other family members.
It has now been quite a few years since my mother passed away so a lot of this stuff got put away when that happened. There was no longer any hope or chance for apologies or resolution, so that helped me to close that chapter of my life in many respects.
However, I had always thought that the poem should be shared generally and I was therefore glad to finally be able to do so when I recently learned of this forum on this site. My reason for posting was to hopefully touch others with similar experiences to my own; perhaps enabling them to focus confusing or conflicting thoughts or maybe even validate their response to their own situations.
I am gratified by many of the comments that have been posted in response to my poem and that so many found it to be moving or touching. Some even did note that they too had had experiences similar to mine. I am content with the decision to share my poem after all the time that has elapsed since it was written.
Take good care and thank you once again.

Oh, I am glad that my interpretation felt accurate to you. That's just what I meant before, to see your own thoughts and feelings in another person's words and then have them say "Yes! That is what I meant!" when you share your own makes the whole thing less lonely, I think

What a lovely update, thank you for coming back (and to Luminance for following up)! It's interesting to think of how differently you must feel now to how you would have felt then. I wonder if 12 years ago it would have felt too raw to consider posting on a forum like this? There's something so lovely about you being able to return to this poem after closing that chapter and still feel the value of those words a decade later but from a place of, what sounds like, greater clarity on and acceptance of the whole relationship and what it really meant to you in the end. Take care, Trip3, all the best!

Meseren

Oh, I am glad that my interpretation felt accurate to you. That's just what I meant before, to see your own thoughts and feelings in another person's words and then have them say "Yes! That is what I meant!" when you share your own makes the whole thing less lonely, I think

What a lovely update, thank you for coming back (and to Luminance for following up)! It's interesting to think of how differently you must feel now to how you would have felt then. I wonder if 12 years ago it would have felt too raw to consider posting on a forum like this? There's something so lovely about you being able to return to this poem after closing that chapter and still feel the value of those words a decade later but from a place of, what sounds like, greater clarity on and acceptance of the whole relationship and what it really meant to you in the end. Take care, Trip3, all the best!

Meseren, a very special thank you to you! Your wise and empathetic comments have very much helped make me feel like this has been a positive and productive experience. I would imagine that others, like me, have also benefited from your insightful guidance and validating messaging on this forum. The forum is very lucky to have people like you contributing to it.
You even you were able voice the response to Allsorts that I had been formulating in my head before I had the opportunity to do that myself. Once I read your comments in that regard I felt no need to repeat them in a post of my own. And again, your reference to my being able to now come at this from a perspective of greater clarity and acceptance is completely on the money.
I feel the need to borrow and direct to you the generous compliment that Luminance earlier paid me: "What an intelligent, creative and strong person YOU are!"
Thank you for so generously sharing. I hold you in very high esteem! Stay safe, happy and healthy.

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SINK

Trip, I'm going to make a crazy, wild assumption and say that you've lived child-free.

Ask me how I know (hint: it's not because of your same-sex marriage).

Hi there Sink

OK, what makes you assume/know that I've lived child-free? My curious mind does want to know.

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Thank you for sharing Sink. You are correct that I've never had children and I'm sorry to hear that your childhood was so miserable. I was thinking you reached that conclusion about me because I had made no mention of grandchildren issues in my original post.
I too had a very rough childhood but that was because of my alcoholic father and my bully (my elder brother). I had five siblings and I was second eldest. My mother and I were very close throughout my childhood; I would not have survived it without her love and presence. Interestingly, a close family friend who used to babysit us, and who later went on to achieve a Masters degree in Psychology, said to me not many years ago that I really was the father figure in the family.
My troubles with my mother happened well into my adulthood. I did not 'come out' to my parents until my early 30's and was surprised that my mother was the one who had difficulty dealing with it. Much to my astonishment, my father's immediate, gut reaction response to me was, "You're my son and I love you. This does not make any difference." (Wow)
I don't know how much, if at all, my later issues with my mother stemmed from her difficulty dealing with my orientation; though it probably did contribute. She did become more rigid, suspicious and generally intolerant as she aged. There was nothing overt regarding my being gay but occasionally something she'd say would demonstrate that she was not completely comfortable dealing with it. I never felt, however, that the issues I wrote about in my poem were at all related to my orientation.
So it was this dichotomy in my lifetime experiences that brings me to affirm that my mother was not evil. Sure, her behavior described in the poem was rash and unacceptable - I would not go so far as to say evil. I feel regretful that the poem has clearly lead some to that conclusion. There was too much good that the poem does not describe that would justify such a harsh conclusion - the fault for that is on me.
My mother was a much loved person, adored by her grandchildren and especially by her three daughters. She was a cherished source of comfort and support to many of her Alanon compatriots, always there whenever any of her friends needed any kind of aid. So it's on me that a reading of my poem in isolation can lead others to an incorrect overall conclusion about her.
I know the whole picture, and notwithstanding the circumstances spoken of in the poem, I know and can affirm without hesitation that any impression that my mother was evil is incorrect. Again, I'm sorry that my poem, on its own, leads others to think this, although I can see why that is the case. We are all complicated in our own different ways so judging someone on the whole based on only one isolated part of the picture can, more often than not, be invalid.
Take care Sink, I wish you well.