Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

Thank you deeply, this is the discussion I needed terribly.

stillawip

I thought it might be a lovely thing going in to the new year tomorrow, for those who are maybe newly estranged to hear stories of successful reconciliations, and maybe even how they were achieved.
How did I get there? For myself, & as I have said before, after 4 years being estranged from my son, we were finally reconciled after a lot of soul-searching on my part, swallowing my pride & having an unflinching look at myself & my past mistakes. I saw a counsellor, was completely honest with her & myself & learned a lot about myself & why I acted as I did. I was finally willing to listen & think back over what my son had been saying to me and to recognise that I had got some things horribly wrong and had caused a lot of upset. I wrote them a long letter, apologising unreservedly and promising that I would do things very differently given the chance. When I first became a grandmother, a dear friend said jokingly that his only tip for grandparenthood would be to "keep your mouth shut & your wallet open". The second bit is debatable, but I wish I had done the first bit right from the start. I have learned my lesson, and have just spent the most wonderful Christmas period with my son, his wife, & my 3 grandchildren - that is priceless and worth every effort I made to get there.
I have always said to my children "if you change nothing, nothing will change" and I am so, so glad that I decided to change things - to listen, admit I was wrong, and move forward.
Can anyone else offer stories of hope from their successful reconciliations to others?

I truly admire your ability to be so open about your mistakes and the way you were able to reflect on your part in the situation and recognise that. How refreshing, not only in relation to estrangement but something we could all benefit from working on in everyday life. Thank you for sharing

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Thank you everyone, yes I was hoping for positive vibes - not for myself as I no longer need them, but for others who may need something to hang onto in a dark time.
I’m sorry it didn’t turn out like that - I tried.

Re your earlier post @ 19.17 stillawip there are regular posters on numerous forums here on GN; the estrangement forum, news and politics, games etc and they will post on any thread that appears on the forum that they regularly use.

Non EP's and EAC post on threads started by EP's, so it stands to reason that regular posters on this forum may choose to post on a thread about successful reconciliation, even if they themselves haven't reconciled.

There haven't been any unpleasant posts here and no one has come on to disrupt this thread. This is an estrangement forum, there are posters who are in pain with no hope of reconciliation and there are those who don't seek it.

No one owns a thread just because they start it, and they shouldn't discourage anyone who wants to comment from doing so just because they don't like what they have to say, even though it's said in a non confrontational and non offensive way.

stillawip

Thank you everyone, yes I was hoping for positive vibes - not for myself as I no longer need them, but for others who may need something to hang onto in a dark time.
I’m sorry it didn’t turn out like that - I tried.

For some, a good new year's resolution might be to resolve not to make everything about themselves at others expense. Rather on topic I feel.

Smileless2012

Re your earlier post @ 19.17 stillawip there are regular posters on numerous forums here on GN; the estrangement forum, news and politics, games etc and they will post on any thread that appears on the forum that they regularly use.

Non EP's and EAC post on threads started by EP's, so it stands to reason that regular posters on this forum may choose to post on a thread about successful reconciliation, even if they themselves haven't reconciled.

There haven't been any unpleasant posts here and no one has come on to disrupt this thread. This is an estrangement forum, there are posters who are in pain with no hope of reconciliation and there are those who don't seek it.

No one owns a thread just because they start it, and they shouldn't discourage anyone who wants to comment from doing so just because they don't like what they have to say, even though it's said in a non confrontational and non offensive way.

I rest my case.
Happy New Year everyone & I wish everyone well for the future. I don’t think Gransnet is for me after all.

I was estranged from my Mum for 7 years. It ended when my
Aunt rang me and told me 'to come and get her'. I
I found an old bitter woman in hospital with dementia. The
pain in my heart was immense. I brought her to my home
town and found a retiremment home nearby. I put up with
the moods and unkind words and she lived another 3 years.
I have never regretted swallowing my hurt and pride to help
her.

I hope that even though she may never have expressed it, or understood due to her dementia, that your mum did in some way appreciate that you were there for her for last years of her life halfpint

Oops, before I delete my account, I meant to say thank you to those who tried to keep the thread on track x

stillawip I'm sad to say that the reason you have had few positive responses is that so few estrangements end in reconciliation. That is not because the estranged parents haven't done as you did - the very first thing most of them do is to ask themselves what they did wrong and try to make amends. You were lucky in that your child wanted to reconcile too.
It has occurred to me that, on this forum, we are often told that parents need to listen more but I've never seen an estranging adult child being advised to listen to their parents when they try to improve the relationship.

eddiecat78

stillawip I'm sad to say that the reason you have had few positive responses is that so few estrangements end in reconciliation. That is not because the estranged parents haven't done as you did - the very first thing most of them do is to ask themselves what they did wrong and try to make amends. You were lucky in that your child wanted to reconcile too.
It has occurred to me that, on this forum, we are often told that parents need to listen more but I've never seen an estranging adult child being advised to listen to their parents when they try to improve the relationship.

Well said.

halfpint1

I was estranged from my Mum for 7 years. It ended when my
Aunt rang me and told me 'to come and get her'. I
I found an old bitter woman in hospital with dementia. The
pain in my heart was immense. I brought her to my home
town and found a retiremment home nearby. I put up with
the moods and unkind words and she lived another 3 years.
I have never regretted swallowing my hurt and pride to help
her.

Well done half pint. You are the better person for doing this. My DH was abused by his father in his childhood and his mother never stood up for him, but when she was older and in ill health he looked after her, we both did. And we don’t regret it one bit.
All the best 🙏🏾🌺

You're right eddie it is sad to say but that is the reality and it can only ever happen if the one who estranges you wants you back in their lives.

I've never seen an estranging adult child being advised to listen to their parents when they try to improve the relationship another good point and I think that maybe because for some, the default position is that it's only the EP who needs to self reflect, soul search, swallow pride etc.

@stillawip
I left the thread because I was made to feel unwelcome on a support forum for those estranged. There is no need to get the hump over this simply because you couldn’t control how people responded, on other forums threads go off track all the time.
I suppose is because we are all free to voice our opinions no matter what the title of the thread is. Annoying, I know, but that’s life.

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Not necessarily EnmeshedNoMore, especially if their words and actions stung before they had dementia which is why some become estranged in the first place.

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@Emeshed. I beg to differ. It is extremely easy for some ACs to hate their parents. Some might deserve it, others not. Because you have obviously experienced this situation nice versa you might find this difficult to believe. You might also find it hard to believe that ACs can abuse their parents, but why would this be so surprising? ACs are adults fully capable of doing what adults unfortunately do in sone cases. We are all somebodies children including parents who abuse or neglect their children. So to believe that only parents are capable of hate is illogical but understandable from your point of view.

Hoping OP doesn't leave. Would be nice on this first day of New Year to have more positive posts about this topic.
There are plenty of support threads for those who haven't been able to reconnect with their families
Thinking of you all today

How terribly sad. stillawip may have shared the thread from the perspective of a parent reconciled but tried to keep it positive in response from all. What a sad voice to lose here from a rather lovely participant.

So true Ziggy62 - although I'm sure those estranged parents do benefit from the other threads and they do support each other.

I hope stillawip doesn't leave as I think this thread would then vanish...

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stillawip, thank you. Similar situation here. I had to work at getting rid of my anger to enable me to apologise unreservedly to my son for whatever, whenever. It worked, we got together for a chat and slowly the situation is starting to mend.
It is not easy for me to understand but I choose to put my feelings away and realise some people have large egos and can’t bend.
I also believe love goes down the generations not back up. Maybe that’s as it should be.

@Emeshed I was talking about ACs not young children who of course are hardwired to love and friend upon their parents, some parents cannot return that live but they are not the majority, for the majority of parents are also biologically hard wired to unconditionally love and care for their child. Is evolution. If parents were not hardwired to do this I doubt the human race would have survived.