Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

Raising awareness about parental and grandparent alienation.

chng.it/9f2hZKj24Q

Mj 😊

OK Luminance.

I think perhaps the fault is not in what I am saying. I withdraw my attention.

Sorry Luminance I'm none the wiser. What rule are you talking about? Are you asking what the problem is with EAC and EP's reconciling in general?

Simply. Estranged parents and estranged children have talked about why they are unable to reconcile here. What is the problem with either doing so? The rule applies to all or none.

Sorry Luminance I don't understand .

Your pardon and estranged children.

Having read carefully, I can see that estranged parents have explained why they cannot reconcile and estranged parents have explained why they cannot reconcile and I am rather pressed trying to understand why either is a problem of some sort?

You have nothing to apologise for Portrait, your post explained so well how you've been affected by being estranged which is why it resonated with me, Babs and Allsorts as I'm sure it will with any EP who reads it.

It may also help any EAC who is thinking about or is in the process of reconciling with the parent(s) they estranged, if they're not responding in the way they thought they would.

Estrangement changes all who are involved. For those EAC who estrange the parents who abused them, I hope they not only feel stronger for freeing themselves of an abusive situation but also find peace and happiness.

Once we found the strength to move on and re build our lives, we eventually found peace and happiness too.

I'm glad you and your daughter have been talking and wish you well moving forward .

Thank you so much Smiless2012 and Babs03. Your words are very comforting. I can feel how you understand the pain and I do admire you ladies for trying to support everyone who has felt this pain. You both are priceless.

My heart goes out to the children of abusive parents. I've lived that life. I still remember people telling me how wonderful my mother was when I was growing up. She was extremely cruel.

Society typically blames the parents for estrangement due to the parents who abused their children or were overbearing and did not allow their children to develop autonomy. It's understandable. But it is not always the case. For any estranged AC who reads this, please know that I understand your pain of growing up abused. I support you in not engaging with anyone who abuses you and that includes your parents.

I can only explain how it feels to grow up that way and suffer an estrangement. You raise your children with love and tried to parent the exact opposite of how you were raised. You tried to create the loving family you never had.

Environmental factors such as substance use/abuse can play a factor in your adult child's personality changing. Genetics can play a part. Peer pressure extends past high school and people can influence your grown children to an extent you never dreamed of. Especially if it's their SO or spouse. Being an estranged parent, it's very hard to live with the judgement of "you must have done something". I remember hearing that phrase over and over again by my mother as a bullied and abused child.

I am not jealous of my adult child. That word was used to try to explain the feelings of inferiority that estrangement can cause. When people who are unkind are the people your AC chooses to surround themself with because they are very wealthy and have status. Those were the people I felt "jealous" of but again, that is not the word I should have used. I apologize for not explaining that better. I accept that my words will be viewed with suspicion by those who have suffered abuse by their parents. We all know how good abusive parents are at claiming to be the victim. But not every estranged parent is the abusive parent we grew up with. We need to at least consider that the people who share their stories are coming from a place of truth, and that includes estranged parents.

My daughter and I have been talking. I keep my opinions to myself.

Wishing you all a good day. Take care of yourselves.

@CertainKind I agree there are very many kinds of abuse, some don’t leave physical scars but is abuse nonetheless.
As I said my DH was abused by his father and his mother did nothing to recognise this or try to stop it which could also be construed as a form of abuse, though we have no idea what kind of abuse his father meted out ti his mother, thankfully - and I use his words - his father died early. He never forgave his mother though we did look after her in her old age and she had a wonderful relationship with our children.
Then our eldest daughter abused both of us - now this is what most people find hard to believe but in fact is more commonplace than you think - and is only now after 11 years that I can even talk about this, the feelings of humiliation and shame still haunt us. As a result of this I suffered a breakdown. And maybe it was our fault that she did this, maybe we brought it upon ourselves, but then isn’t that what every victim says, isn’t that how an abuser gets away with it? Yet commenters on threads like this and people in general do believe that EPs must be at fault, that they have brought it upon themselves.
Fact is neither I or any other contributor on here would seek to dismiss or diminish the suffering of EACs, but find ourselves regularly under attack and so cannot respond the way we would like to.
In any case I do recognise what you have been through and can honestly sympathise.

I agree that deliberately ignoring your child's depression is neglectful but not noticing isn't necessarily so as for continuing to try to make contact when you've been asked not too, yes that is unacceptable.

Babs03

@CertainKind I think you will find that I was addressing my reply to specific posters and so not making sone kind of sweeping generalisation lumping all ACs in together.
And I don’t know why everything an EP ever says is taken to mean that abused children are being routinely ignored.
My DH was mercilessly abused by his father, I do know how abuse affects an AC, and find it insulting that some posters think we haven’t the intelligence to figure this out.
We can be an EP and be against child abuse the two are not exclusive.
Can we perhaps accept this and move on.

I think the rift arises from our different definitions of abuse. Not noticing your child is depressed and doing nothing about it is considered abuse for me (abuse by neglect), whereas others may think it's not abuse. I may think it's abusive to continue being told hello after I asked for no contact, whereas others may see nothing wrong with it

That isn't what Allsorts meant by 'wanting a child' CertainKind. We wanted children so my pregnancies were planned and I'm sure that's what Allsorts means and from what you've posted, that wasn't the case for your mum.

We are of course aware that some estrangements are due to abusive childhoods which is why we don't make sweeping generalisations regarding EAC, but this isn't the only reason this happens which is why it's not helpful to lump all EP's together and label them as abusive.

@CertainKind I think you will find that I was addressing my reply to specific posters and so not making sone kind of sweeping generalisation lumping all ACs in together.
And I don’t know why everything an EP ever says is taken to mean that abused children are being routinely ignored.
My DH was mercilessly abused by his father, I do know how abuse affects an AC, and find it insulting that some posters think we haven’t the intelligence to figure this out.
We can be an EP and be against child abuse the two are not exclusive.
Can we perhaps accept this and move on.

Wanting a child isn't enough unfortunately.

My mom wanted me because she wanted an abortion even less (staunchly pro-life), and she still wants me so people can think she's a good mother/person.

But anyways, perhaps Babs can word her sentiment differently so as not to lump in every child that has broken their parents heart, one way or another.

It seems that childhood abuse, despite the victims severing the relationship with the abuser, doesn't appear to heal, they see every estrangement as the same as they had and there is no room in their minds to see that people and situation vary. So that is why it posting on Successful Reconciliations is no help for them because who could successfully have a relationship with those who abused them and ruined their lives. Every child should be a wanted child. For us on this forum our children were, that's why we hurt sometimes for years until you realise, there's no excuse for the hurt caused us. Just like there's no excuse for your parents. We make a life very different in time because its no good getting bitter and life is short.

@Portrait

Saying something akin to "I'm not jealous of my child but..." doesn't paint you as the bestest parent in the whole wide world (to put it lightly).

Whatever grievances you have with her as a daughter, I'm sure she would have just as many with you as a mother. The key issue here is that only you had a say in starting this parent/child relationship. She had no say whatsoever. So I would recommend you realign your expectations maybe.

Perhaps just be (genuinely) happy that she's alive and breathing, and not to mention, doing well for herself. And leave it at that.

Babs03

@Allsorts it does take a certain kind of AC to be able to live with the knowledge that they broke their parents hearts.
🌺🙏🏾

My mother's heart is broken after I estranged from her. She is absolutely devastated that she can no longer verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me or even get to kill my pets any more!

Babs, your comment didn't sit right with me and I imagine I'm not alone.

Who is in need of it Luminance , the recent responses are replying to Portrait and as Babs has pointed out, the OP isn't about an AC leaving an abusive family either.

In rather simple terms, replying with some empathy to someone in need of it.

@Luminance will repeat what I said to User, who are you replying to??
I cannot find a post about an abused AC leaving a dreadful home situation. Neither the OP or Portrait are talking about this.
Are you mistakenly relying to another thread maybe??

Here we go again!

Oh Indeed walking away from an upbringing that was not only an abusive one but one designed to create a child that would accept abuse without question, takes a special kind of strength and resolve we should all admire greatly. Especially the work continuing on to pull other adult children out of these rather awful situations. I think we must all agree on that.

I don't see a post from an AC breaking free from a toxic family either Babs .