Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

It's like having a partner who gradually changes you to a poor copy of the person you used to be.
They can do it slyly, or by confronting you, giving you the silent treatment, all kinds of things.
Anyone who is aware of narcissists must also be aware of their many tactics.

It's much the same, and I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced it, or watched a previously happy friend begin to wilt under the onslaught of a partner's behaviours.

The blowing hot and cold, so that even when things are good, you fear them changing, and tiptoe around, trying to ward off the inevitable.

MissAdventure

It's like having a partner who gradually changes you to a poor copy of the person you used to be.
They can do it slyly, or by confronting you, giving you the silent treatment, all kinds of things.
Anyone who is aware of narcissists must also be aware of their many tactics.

It's much the same, and I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced it, or watched a previously happy friend begin to wilt under the onslaught of a partner's behaviours.

The blowing hot and cold, so that even when things are good, you fear them changing, and tiptoe around, trying to ward off the inevitable.

Good description 👏🏽👏🏽
It is in fact a form of control used in all kinds of relationships.

@stillawipp
With all respect you obviously are not talking about the same thing.
As a mother I too would go to great lengths to reconcile with my daughter and see my GCs again, in fact I did go to great lengths.
It cost me dear and only now after 11 years am I learning how to live again but part of me will never fully recover.

I find it rather difficult to imagine some of the strong characters on here with their forceful views on the subject and other posters as ever walking on eggshells. Perhaps that is just how I have personally been treated.

Luminance

I find it rather difficult to imagine some of the strong characters on here with their forceful views on the subject and other posters as ever walking on eggshells. Perhaps that is just how I have personally been treated.

I agree

I suppose it depends if you think that walking on eggshells to avoid losing your AC and your GC is a sign of weakness Luminance.

If the strong characters on here you're referring too are the EP's and EGP's yes we are strong, we've had to be to rebuild our lives and move on.

A lot of EP's will say they're not the people, the mothers and the fathers they were before they were estranged; estrangement has changed them and for some, eggshell walking may have been something they did before they were estranged but isn't something they'd do now.

That's a very good description MissA.

I think you're right Babs in that not everyone is talking about the same thing.

That makes sense stillawipp, that at the beginning of the reconciliation there will be a degree of nervousness, anxiousness that things will go wrong again but I would have thought that would apply to both 'sides', as neither would want to be estranged again.

If that is only being experienced by one 'side', if they are in a permanent state of eggshell walking, I don't see how that can be conducive to long term successful reconciliation.

I don't think that

It seems estranged children are unable to perceive anything which might actually not reinforce their view that all parents (mothers) are the same - all neatly plopping off the edge of a conveyor belt, with tightly permed hair, mean little mouths, ready to go and wreck their offsprings lives.

Just as there are narcissistic parents, there are narcissistic adult children.
There are control freaks, fun sponges, feisty characters, and downright wicked people about. (But most are just messed up people, in some way or another)

We all have to work our way around these people, at work, or living next door, or as family members.

We all try our best because we all want peace.

If that means flying around straightening cushions before our in laws come in, or accommodating someone's ever changing moods, well, we do it, because we don't want bad feelings and upsets.

Sometimes though, there is no pleasing someone, because they have no intention of being pleased, ever.

Smileless2012 No Luminance when walking on eggshells it doesn't depend on the opinion or advice that's the point.

LuminanceCan you give an example, I'm rather confused.

I am confused too Luminance.
I think the examples I gave and Allsorts described so clearly, demonstrate perfectly clearly why it doesnt depend on the opinion or advice at that point.

Sometimes though, there is no pleasing someone, because they have no intention of being pleased, ever. Well yes MissA and sometimes the only thing that pleases some is get rid of you once and for all.

Well I'm bewildered Madgran as to why the examples that have been given don't suffice .

Smileless2012

I suppose it depends if you think that walking on eggshells to avoid losing your AC and your GC is a sign of weakness Luminance.

If the strong characters on here you're referring too are the EP's and EGP's yes we are strong, we've had to be to rebuild our lives and move on.

A lot of EP's will say they're not the people, the mothers and the fathers they were before they were estranged; estrangement has changed them and for some, eggshell walking may have been something they did before they were estranged but isn't something they'd do now.

That's a very good description MissA.

I think you're right Babs in that not everyone is talking about the same thing.

That makes sense stillawipp, that at the beginning of the reconciliation there will be a degree of nervousness, anxiousness that things will go wrong again but I would have thought that would apply to both 'sides', as neither would want to be estranged again.

If that is only being experienced by one 'side', if they are in a permanent state of eggshell walking, I don't see how that can be conducive to long term successful reconciliation.

I don't think that

Yes, absolutely, I think that in my case there was nervousness on both sides to start with, & that is perfectly understandable. Less so now, but still early days for us. Hopefully that will reduce as time goes on & we all feel more comfortable with the new relationship 🤞🏼.

MissAdventure Sometimes though, there is no pleasing someone, because they have no intention of being pleased, ever

Absolutely. Another common theme that comes up in threads for both EPs and EACs. And it definitely feeds in to individuals finding themselves treading on eggshells because of the potential impact on wider relationships.

I'm sure it will reduce stillawipp when everyone's working toward the same goal. There will come a time when you're all able to relax and look forward to the future together.

stillawhip You have all done well in your family to get to where you are. Over time I expect the natural nervousness will reduce 💐

Thank you both 🙏🏻

I am not personally estranged, I don't feel it is somehow an attack by anyone on anyone to see things differently. I simply find it rather difficult to imagine those whose opinions are more important to them than being welcoming or inclusive of others here or describing them en masses as ever walking on eggshells. The replies seem to rather hold that up.

Who are you saying isn't welcoming or inclusive of others here and perhaps you would like to give examples Luminance.

Nobody is being made to feel not welcome, are they?
Everyone is taking part in the conversation.

There are just different opinions, but the fact that they're being discussed civilly is really, really good, I think. (Something of a triumph, in fact!)

I'm not estranged either,by the way.

I was accused of being a troll, which is a rather strong example I feel.

Thank you for sharing, stillawip! It's great for your relationship with your son that you were able to change those patterns, but even better that it turned out to be so good for your wellbeing beyond that too! I love that, I sometimes look forward to who I might be in five years time - assuming I age like fine wine and not milk I didn't anticipate my latter question turning into a discussion on semantics(!) but personally I think the phrase is somewhat open to interpretation and dependent on context so your thoughts make good sense to me. Thanks again for your perspective.

MissAdventure, I think your generalisation about estranged children seeming closed-minded was unnecessary, though the idea of them having a "view that all parents (mothers) are the same" doesn't make much sense to me anyhow.

Luminance

I was accused of being a troll, which is a rather strong example I feel.

Yes you were Luminance but not on this thread. I do understand how upsetting that must have been for you, even when able to see the context of that mistake being made ...ie the obvious trolling that has been seen on a number of threads by yourself presumably, and others.

I hope that everyone has now decided to simply pass on any concerns to GN rather than what happened to you, as GN is clearly responding quickly to any reports to address any concerns raised. Hopefully in that context referring back to events on other threads will remain unnecessary.

Sadly Madgran77, we just have to trust that people are who they say they are unless proved otherwise, makes one wary of responding at the minute.

I’m totally who I say I am, for any doubters!
Thank you so much to all the people who have sent me PMs (I didn’t even know you could do that!) in the last few days, I am genuinely touched by the messages and so incredibly thrilled that my thoughts & experience may be useful to some.
It is heartbreaking for those still estranged and everyone’s situations and feelings are equally valid, but if I can use my experience to provide a little hope for someone, then happy days!

I agree MissA, it is really really good when different opinions can be aired and discussed civilly, especially on estrangement which by its very nature is an emotive subject.

GN is doing a great job Madgran and despite some of the trolls being obvious others are less so, and I've fallen into the trap of responding only to see later that everyone of their posts have been deleted because they were trolls.

stillawhip I haven't noticed anything that suggested people felt you were a troll unless I have missed something? Good that you are receiving positive PMs that please you.

*Smiless GN is doing a great job Madgran and despite some of the trolls being obvious others are less so, and I've fallen into the trap of responding only to see later that
everyone of their posts have been deleted because they were trolls*

Yes I think a few of us have made that mistake. As Bridie says it can make posters wary of responding which is a shame when help can potentially be given to any genuine posters