Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

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stillawip

I thought it might be a lovely thing going in to the new year tomorrow, for those who are maybe newly estranged to hear stories of successful reconciliations, and maybe even how they were achieved.
How did I get there? For myself, & as I have said before, after 4 years being estranged from my son, we were finally reconciled after a lot of soul-searching on my part, swallowing my pride & having an unflinching look at myself & my past mistakes. I saw a counsellor, was completely honest with her & myself & learned a lot about myself & why I acted as I did. I was finally willing to listen & think back over what my son had been saying to me and to recognise that I had got some things horribly wrong and had caused a lot of upset. I wrote them a long letter, apologising unreservedly and promising that I would do things very differently given the chance. When I first became a grandmother, a dear friend said jokingly that his only tip for grandparenthood would be to "keep your mouth shut & your wallet open". The second bit is debatable, but I wish I had done the first bit right from the start. I have learned my lesson, and have just spent the most wonderful Christmas period with my son, his wife, & my 3 grandchildren - that is priceless and worth every effort I made to get there.
I have always said to my children "if you change nothing, nothing will change" and I am so, so glad that I decided to change things - to listen, admit I was wrong, and move forward.
Can anyone else offer stories of hope from their successful reconciliations to others?

I truly admire your ability to be so open about your mistakes and the way you were able to reflect on your part in the situation and recognise that. How refreshing, not only in relation to estrangement but something we could all benefit from working on in everyday life. Thank you for sharing

Thank you deeply, this is the discussion I needed terribly.

It's in the thread title

Yes. The floors all yours....

To comment, speak out about moving forward, recounting and how they did that from estrangement.

As MissA states..." the floor is all yours".
I to bow out.

Am sorry if some posts put a damper on things. But at no time did anyone stop those with a more positive spin on things coming forwards, would encourage them to do so.
As another poster has said - the floor is all yours.
Will cease to take part.

However that's positive and appreciated, the negative is sadly some posters despite their reflections and apologies are blocked from communication with their EAC so can't forward, that's just the way it is.

That's awful but not the point of the thread. It's supposed to be a positive thread.

Today 19:34Bridie22

There in March is the problems of estrangement!

Yes but my experience of it? Have you read the thread title?

18:52MissAdventure

How would it be possible to let someone know you had reflected, accepted your part,, had therapy, etc, if you aren't allowed to contact them?

Then that speaks for someone else and not got the ones who weren't? Obviously.

No one is asking how we got there, the question was how we got through it to reconcile?

I put my side. No one asked for it.
I then said how we got through it and moved on?

The fact does remain that some can and do reconcile and some cannot for whatever the reason. Those who cannot for whatever the reason are rather upset that they could not. That is entirely understandable but has it's own place I feel. Perhaps a thread for support for estranged relationships and not a threat for reconciliation advice and support?

One thing I've learned after a period of estrangement with one of my children is to treat her like a friend, it's all too easy to slip into parent/child roles. They don't work when children grow up. Also to be cheerful when you see them, encourage like a friend would and allow them space to come to you whilst still reaching out to say you're thinking of them or giving them some happy/fun news. I have forgiven how my DD made me feel when she was cruel to me. I haven't forgotten though and am proud that I can rise above pettiness now that once affected me. I think I've grown into a better person, more resilient with my kids.

Yes. That's why it's called T
The Successful reconciliations & how you got there...'

Not 'The problems that caused estrangement'

Smileless2012

^It isn't the person who is being estranged who is in control of anything, whether they self reflect or attempt to build bridges, unless the person who estranged (I think that's what you mean) wants to reconcile as well^ absolutely Babs.

Spot on, that is what I was trying to say Smiles 👍

There in March is the problems of estrangement!

Well. I've said.

It's not for everyone but it might be helpful to someone
And said is my experience.

My husband didn't block his mom.
Some adult children do?
Some don't?

No one was ever blocked?
Some are?

Both sides need to want and work through it.
Some don't?
Some do?
Some aren't willing to listen?
Some are?
Some may want to reconnect but don't know how?

This may help them?

The floors all yours.

Life isn't that straight forward stillawip, you were happily it seems given the chance after your reflections and apologies to reconnect, which is absolutely brilliant for you.
However that's positive and appreciated, the negative is sadly some posters despite their reflections and apologies are blocked from communication with their EAC so can't forward, that's just the way it is.

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE???? I’ve tried so hard to be positive, to offer an alternative view, but every single thread ends up with the same people taking over and making the same negative points!!! What is the point of anyone else trying to post something in this forum upbeat and positive to give hope to people when time and again every thread ends up exactly the same? Aren’t there enough other threads for ‘oh yes but sometimes there’s no hope, & let’s constantly remind everyone of that’ ? No wonder so many posters never come back, & I don’t blame them, I’m seriously thinking of doing the same. Really people, give others a chance- it’s not just about you.

Yes, it's a problem.

Well there in lies the problem MissA. If you've been told not to make contact of any kind, you'd be wrong to do so. I suppose you could ask a third party to intercede but that's a big ask.

It isn't the person who is being estranged who is in control of anything, whether they self reflect or attempt to build bridges, unless the person who estranged (I think that's what you mean) wants to reconcile as well absolutely Babs.

How would it be possible to let someone know you had reflected, accepted your part,, had therapy, etc, if you aren't allowed to contact them?

As you posted March, reconciliation like estrangement comes in all shapes and sizes.

A lady we know whose been estranged from her D for years and never knew her GD, was contacted by her when she'd left home and they've been meeting up on a regular basis ever since, but without her D's knowledge.

I think you're right Luminance which is why reconciliation can't happen unless all concerned really want it to happen.