Sons partner dislikes me , now son is very very distant , estranged.

You have put "we are under attack" in quotation marks Luminance but having gone right through this thread, I can't find anywhere where this has been posted.

Luminance you are a bit of an agent provocateur. Not openly hostile, indeed feigning a peaceful exterior whilst making passive aggressive remarks, then standing back to view any replies that seem a bit reactionary and calling people out about it.
Have seen you do this enough to be wise to it now.
Is an attempt to sabotage a thread then blame it on others.
Some fall for it, I certainly won’t.

It seems to me there’s always the possibility of a poster’s defenses getting in the way of them being able to take their rightful share of responsibility in the breakdown of a family relationship, which prevents the rift from ever being truly repaired. But other times that’s not the case at all. Not challenging them in any way can be detrimental if they’re in denial but challenging them can also be unnecessarily painful otherwise. So imo that’s where we’re at. We aren’t in other posters’ lives enough to know more than a little bit and possibly all weigh in with good intentions but through our own lens. Not sure it can be resolved. That’s my two cents, for what it’s worth.

This stands for itself as rather a good example.

BlueberryPie

It seems to me there’s always the possibility of a poster’s defenses getting in the way of them being able to take their rightful share of responsibility in the breakdown of a family relationship, which prevents the rift from ever being truly repaired. But other times that’s not the case at all. Not challenging them in any way can be detrimental if they’re in denial but challenging them can also be unnecessarily painful otherwise. So imo that’s where we’re at. We aren’t in other posters’ lives enough to know more than a little bit and possibly all weigh in with good intentions but through our own lens. Not sure it can be resolved. That’s my two cents, for what it’s worth.

I agree with this Blueberry Pie.
We do see the problems posted on here through our own lense, is impossible not to, and may make up our own narrative filling in the gaps in the OPs post.
We can only offer what we consider to be helpful advice.

It cannot be seen that someone is trying to help you create a positive atmosphere in a place that matters dearly to the people here. It is met with derision and anger simply for asking for objective views to be allowed. This is a dynamic rarely seen on other topics in my experience. It shan't bother me as I understand clearly my intention to help.

…Or maybe the best possible resolution would be if we all try to “stay in our own lane.” Say your message to an OP but then let others have their say too, without your ( general “your” there) input?

OPs have asked for opinions from everyone so why not just let them pick and choose the advice they want?

Quite.

No one's preventing anyone from having their say. It's the nature of a discussion for opinions to be disagreed with and of course OP's will pick and choose the advice that they feel best suits their particular needs.

Making unsubstantiated allegations doesn't create a positive atmosphere Luminance but I suspect you know that because when asked to provide examples of what you claim, you fail to do so.

IMO your post @ 18.00 is spot on Babs, we see this time and again especially on the estrangement threads.

Luminance

Oh yes Madgran77 but this is not what was being discussed. What was being discussed was armour against others who don't view a situation the same way and taking it as an attack on yourself when it was not in fact you or your situation being addressed. In life we cannot have everyone agree with us and we cannot have our views placed above anyone else's. If this causes any undue amount of frustration that is ours to deal with and not a justification to react negatively. People are protective if this space and that is understandable but the slightest different view inspires a strong reaction of "we are under attack" This reaction is sometimes warranted and often not. That is the armour I speak of.

Oh right. I read it as a more generalised comment. I know DV was not being discussed; I just used that as an example. I assumed you were referring more directly to the OP and her situation.

It’s such a shame - this thread has ended up the same as all the others, with the same arguments between the same people. What about the OP? Is anyone thinking about her anymore? I hate to be negative, but there is actually no point in anyone posting anything on the Estrangement forum anymore, as they all end up the same. So many just give up & don’t come back. I messaged the OP privately to check that she was OK, and she told me that she had deleted her registration because she didn’t find it at all helpful, with all the arguing. Maybe those who like to dominate this forum could really think about that.

how did you manage to pm the OP if she'd deleted her registration stillawipp?

It's a shame the OP hasn't found this thread helpful as the vast majority of the responses have been made in an effort to be supportive.

Who are the those who like to dominate this forum that you are referring too? What does make any thread unpleasant and unhelpful are comments like this one.

The estrangement forum has been here for several years, with the support thread now in it's 12th year so I think to say there's
actually no point in anyone posting anything on this forum is rather silly.

People will post if they want too and no doubt those who want to try and disrupt the threads on this forum will do the same.

I agree Smileless, one only needs to read back on the thread to see how genuinely helpful and kind you and many others have been. Nobody did anything other than try to respond to the OP until certain posters came along and tried to make it all about regulars on here. Projecting their own narrative onto what the OP was saying knowing that this was bait certain posters.
You have got it wrong way round stillawhip.
But don’t worry am sure the OP who was found lacking by said posters knows who was trying to give helpful advice.
However, thanks for your input, perhaps next time read back and see what I mean.

Correction ‘this would bait certain posters…

Sorry, I wasn’t clear - the OP said that she had deleted herself from the forum, not the whole website. I won’t rise to the patronising remarks & I’m not going to argue and get personal, the support thread is a wonderful thing for some, I know. I have made my point, on behalf of myself and others who have messaged me with the same frustrations, and will just leave it there.

Well not all threads are to everyone's taste are they stillawipp, so probably better to just leave those who want to participate to do so in peace without suggesting that there's no point in anyone taking part.

I hope this topic doesn't die out, that would be rather a shame.

This particular thread may do if the OP isn't coming back Luminance, but the topic is one often discussed on the estrangement forum so I'm sure there'll be other threads in the same vein.

I wonder how many read topics here first and find themselves rather put off by it all.

Raising awareness about parental and grandparent alienation.

chng.it/9f2hZKj24Q

Mj 😊

stillawipp

It’s such a shame - this thread has ended up the same as all the others, with the same arguments between the same people. What about the OP? Is anyone thinking about her anymore? I hate to be negative, but there is actually no point in anyone posting anything on the Estrangement forum anymore, as they all end up the same. So many just give up & don’t come back. I messaged the OP privately to check that she was OK, and she told me that she had deleted her registration because she didn’t find it at all helpful, with all the arguing. Maybe those who like to dominate this forum could really think about that.

I know this is an old thread, but if you are checking in on it, just like to say you are spot on with your remarks. Not being fully estranged myself, I found this forum to get some insight into why or how full estrangement happens and sometimes it just ends up just like you said, with people arguing and the original poster long gone. However, I have learned something in these forums by just reading these cases, that estrangment can happen to the best of parents if the situation in life opens a door for it. It seems so very easy these days, when life gets difficult or busy, for people to throw away those who care the most, the parents and I truly wonder if it is because people always want what they don't have (love of others) but not what they do have (love of parents). It's amazing how much work they will put in to get friends, gain popularity and will work like hll to get someone to love them. Maybe because they feel it's a victory of sorts, an accomplishment, and makes them feel worthy as a person because they made it happen. Parental love isn't something they had to accomplish or work for, that's the difference? It's a mystery to me why other people mean so much more to them than the people who love them in a way nobody else on earth really can, even if they wanted to. Parent/child bond is something so natural and powerful, that's why I feel no other relationship can really replicate or exceed it. I am quite aware that there exists some colder parents out there, but I am not really referring to those anomalies because they are a minority in the world. Majority of parents love deeply and it's become something disposable for the young, as they go out and strive to prove themselves to others. They never had to prove anything to their parents. Maybe not having to prove/working for something makes that something seem worthless???? And of course, now society is full of "toxic" parents and grandparents, according to the most popular publications, which lets face it, someone's making money off these trends. I think that may be the core of it all......a gullible lost society looks to those they feel have the answers, but what they really have are fat bank accounts off their chosen field of constant critisism and promotion of it's all about me and my victimhood generation. Having said all this, I will post it separately in case nobody visits this thread. But if you do and still message the OP, tell her she has my sympathy. And, if she isn't completely estranged yet, if I were her, I'd do a little experiment. Do a complete overhaul.....dump old things, keep precious things in a storage facility temporarily and de-clutter your home. Then invite them over......smile pleasantly but don't talk up a storm, in other words, do not act too "happy" and simply ask them how their lives are going and be supportive. Be everything the opposite of what the DIL is claiming and just sit on that for awhile; see what she'll come up with as an excuse after that. Hey, I know it's a big progect, homes after many years can really get full, but if your hubby can help, maybe have a garage sale, etc. you might get it done. Knock their socks off with how uncluttered you are. It's not a bad way to live, I find I am less stressed when my house gets a good cleanout of junk just sitting around.