Estrangement

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And I was responding to yours March.

I was replying to Pascals comment.

It seems to me with some of the posts we see here on GN that it's easier to blame the parents who've been estranged; twas ever thus.

As I and Allsorts have already said, the sons in these cases are just as responsible as their partners, so I don't understand why this has been ignored overlooked.

I and the other EP's talk about our own experiences and pascal has referred to the experiences of people she knows.

Quite, March.

when I look at my group of friends, lots in other parts of the country, ALL of them that have been estranged have been because of a DIL.. so I would strongly question the comment made by Luminance

Of course it is, you've only heard one side of the story.
It's easier to blame the DIL than their son and it's easier to blame the DIL than look at their own action and what could of caused the divide.

It is absolutely sexist drivel placing blame on women for the choices of men, using diminishing language to describe adult women. How up in arms would this site be if we flung around terms like “old ladies”? It’s uncalled for.

Smileless2012

Allsorts post is neither IMO.

I agree..

I said what I meant. I mean what I say.

Allsorts post is neither IMO.

BlessedArt

Allsorts

I am indeed lucky with my dil. However Pascal I have to agree with you, I meet a lot of people and a lot of younger girls are
are very dismissive of mil as they see a competition they don’t need, the guys go along with it so its as much their fault. Also a friend of mine was very jealous of her dil who she thought was too bossy but no more than she was. I guess it takes all sorts. I do think mil of sons have to step back, I know I did, because he would always choose the mother of his children over me but as I say thats never been a problem, I expected her to want her own mother over me.

Men are responsible for their own relationships. They are not passengers in their lives.

Married women with MILs are not “young girls” any more than we MILs are merely “old women”.

The misogyny is uncalled for and most certainly can be a reason between the disconnect. It’s off-putting and rude.

I think you mean misandry...

Thank you for your post @ 10.19 pascal. As estranged parents who had a wonderful relationship with our ES for 27 years until he married and they had their first child, it's tiresome to continue to see posts that suggest that coercive control from an AC's partner is not, or is rarely the cause of estrangement.

It is I agree as much the fault of the son who goes along with their partner's demand to ostracise his parents and estrange them Allsorts.

I've never understood the need to compete, whether that comes from a d.i.l. or m.i.l. The relationship between a parent and their child is completely different to the one between husband and wife.

Several years ago our ES told his brother that he'd given up everything for his wife; for his sake, I hope it was worth it.

Allsorts

I am indeed lucky with my dil. However Pascal I have to agree with you, I meet a lot of people and a lot of younger girls are
are very dismissive of mil as they see a competition they don’t need, the guys go along with it so its as much their fault. Also a friend of mine was very jealous of her dil who she thought was too bossy but no more than she was. I guess it takes all sorts. I do think mil of sons have to step back, I know I did, because he would always choose the mother of his children over me but as I say thats never been a problem, I expected her to want her own mother over me.

Men are responsible for their own relationships. They are not passengers in their lives.

Married women with MILs are not “young girls” any more than we MILs are merely “old women”.

The misogyny is uncalled for and most certainly can be a reason between the disconnect. It’s off-putting and rude.

Allsorts

I am indeed lucky with my dil. However Pascal I have to agree with you, I meet a lot of people and a lot of younger girls are
are very dismissive of mil as they see a competition they don’t need, the guys go along with it so its as much their fault. Also a friend of mine was very jealous of her dil who she thought was too bossy but no more than she was. I guess it takes all sorts. I do think mil of sons have to step back, I know I did, because he would always choose the mother of his children over me but as I say thats never been a problem, I expected her to want her own mother over me.

I think you are very wise Allsorts

I am indeed lucky with my dil. However Pascal I have to agree with you, I meet a lot of people and a lot of younger girls are
are very dismissive of mil as they see a competition they don’t need, the guys go along with it so its as much their fault. Also a friend of mine was very jealous of her dil who she thought was too bossy but no more than she was. I guess it takes all sorts. I do think mil of sons have to step back, I know I did, because he would always choose the mother of his children over me but as I say thats never been a problem, I expected her to want her own mother over me.

Smileless2012

Whether or not cases where a d.i.l. or s.i.l. has created problems in the parent/AC relationship are fewer than someone would like to believe is irrelevant Grams if that is someone's experience.

You don't live with your AC, you are not the one who is influencing them 24/7 and pressurising them to go no contact, so the opportunities to reach out become fewer until they disappear completely.

when I look at my group of friends, lots in other parts of the country, ALL of them that have been estranged have been because of a DIL.. so I would strongly question the comment made by Luminance

Thank you for your kind comments, I have transferred to the support group on this forum, so won't post on this thread again.

Whether or not cases where a d.i.l. or s.i.l. has created problems in the parent/AC relationship are fewer than someone would like to believe is irrelevant Grams if that is someone's experience.

You don't live with your AC, you are not the one who is influencing them 24/7 and pressurising them to go no contact, so the opportunities to reach out become fewer until they disappear completely.

I have been longer than 12 years and now it's acceptance for me, I get upset thinking about family hurt, no longer here, who really loved her, so I try not to go there as none of us were able to alter anything. I am glad I never did it.

Smileless2012

Well it depends on the situation Luminance. Sometimes it's a d.i.l. or s.i.l. whose the source of the problem and creates problems in the parent/AC relationship.

Even in those cases , and I think they are fewer than someone would like to believe , the best course of action would still be reaching out to and engaging non with one’s own child first. They are the one you presumably had the relationship with. Though at a certain point reaching out only becomes part of the problem If they’d made it clear they don’t wish for contact.

I feel for all those parents who are
estranged from their AC, thankfully
I have no personal experience I but feel your pain. Marg, I hope posting on here and engaging with those who have experience of estrangement will bring you some comfort and strength.

I believe strongly that in some situations other people's comments are none of my business. It's a rather healthy outlook.

Luminance

What I have gathered from many situations here is it is best to take the DILs out of the situation. The relationship is with parent and child. It's always rather a good idea to talk to them and ask where the relationship may be improved I feel.

Do you have personal experience of estrangement @luminance? ....or are you a professional in supporting people with estrangement? ..... because your posts do not seem to be adding anything to this thread .....anything meaningful that is....sometimes its better to keep your mouth closed if you've nothing kind or helpful to add I've found .

Well it depends on the situation Luminance. Sometimes it's a d.i.l. or s.i.l. whose the source of the problem and creates problems in the parent/AC relationship.