How can I make it stop?

I am in the US so this may or may not apply to you. When my husband's parents wouldn't stop sending things we sent a Cease and Desist, which is a letter that warns then that we will pursue legal action if they continue harassing him and that worked.

Please ignore those undermining you on this forum. They have ulterior motives.

User138562

I am in the US so this may or may not apply to you. When my husband's parents wouldn't stop sending things we sent a Cease and Desist, which is a letter that warns then that we will pursue legal action if they continue harassing him and that worked.

Please ignore those undermining you on this forum. They have ulterior motives.

Cease and desist letter is excellent idea

I can't imagine being in your shoes ! You obviously have your reasons for being so angry. If you can let go please do . I wish you peace of mind. 💐

Smileless2012

IMO there's no comparison between an ex friend or partner and an EP but I agree that the OP shouldn't have to worry about being sent cards and gifts she doesn't want to receive.

Why?

But is their pain valid!!!!!!!! Of course it is, you might as well ask Is my pain valid

Even the most misguided of parents can feel deep deep sadness on being estranged from one of their children, especially as so often they are unable to see why you are estranged.

I have no experience of estrangement, but if I was, I cannot imagine ever being able to completely turn my back on my child.

I’m estranged from my daughter for over 10 years. It’s hard to believe. Long story.
I used to send cards and gifts but gave up after five years. She did acknowledge them but didn’t want any contact. It’s been hard because I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.
You must have strong reasons why you don’t want them in your life. Send a letter and ask them to stop and if they don’t then go to the police.
Sorry you’re having to live like this.
I wish my daughter was in my life but she isn’t and I’ve accepted that. I do see her two beautiful daughters.

I’m sad for you that you didn’t get the parents you deserve. Send back the gifts/cards with “no longer at this address” so they think you’ve moved.
I think you need professional help with this, have you ever had any? A therapist should be able to help you come to a place of acceptance. You can only control yourself, not them.
And don’t feel guilty about wishing them dead but maybe in the future you won’t have such strong feelings.

My GD is estranged from her mother.
Parents divorced, regular contact but just cordial with father.
Her M knows very well why she is estranged, but to friends and neighbours she “ has no idea what she has done”
She sends cards and money for birthdays and Christmas which my GD spends!!
To the OP, just stop making an issue about the gifts, do what you want with them, use, give away, just don’t react or acknowledge.
Being totally ignored is the worst/ frustrating thing.

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I have been in the same situation, with the added stress of unwanted phone calls and family interference.
Slowly it tapered off; I blocked the phone numbers of all who were involved, then completely estranged from everyone.
The mail continued for a few years, my final reaction to it was - nothing.
I didn't mention it to anyone except my husband, I certainly did not contact my mother or her husband.
I just threw anything that came from them in the bin.
I know the dread you feel, I felt it for years.
The only suggestion I have- cut off their supply; no reaction, no mention to anyone of their actions and throw everything away, don't even bring it inside your home.
These people rely on a response to feed their drama, no matter the source, and word about you is fuel.

People here are coming from a place opposite ours, which is reflected in their responses.
I wish you peace, it has cost me my entire family except my own children and taken many years, but it's worth it.

Poss, you are coming from a different place to most of us on here but I can see your situation . I had good parents, had our wobbles but I could never dis respect or hurt them because I loved them. To be a child that's been abused, I can't imagine, your safe place not safe, love not there. I am pleased to hear of anyone moving on and making a fresh start. I read of children almost weekly abused or killed by parents and each one I read about its as if its the first. Glad you have a lovely family of your own now.

That's all that can be done really, just work on making the response to it a nothing. Know it is coming, be emotionally prepared, have a plan for how it will be handled and execute it. Don't read and don't respond.

I know how it feels to be a mother, it's hard enough for me to accept that mine didn't love me. It must be tough for others to understand. I have always found it easier with people who have been forced to estrange and the opposite, people who have had truly warm and loving relationships... They are generally horrified. Lots of families aren't perfect but the good outweighs the bad by whatever margin and they just can't understand what it feels like to grow up knowing you weren't loved and there isn't enough time to share the evidence needed to make them understand.

Being estranged is such a difficult situation when it isn't what you really wanted or chose for yourself and you spend a great deal of time tying to fix an abusive person. When you could see their pain that likely made them who they are. Ultimately though, it's not our responsibility. We can only control how we react and take away ourselves as the outlet for their pain. No amount of hurting us would ever fix them, it simply enables them to function in other areas of their lives.

People aren't prozak, children aren't here to heal their parents either by being someone to lean on or an emotional punch bag. No matter how long we would carry any kind of stigma with anyone for walking away it will always hurt less than being abused just to keep relationships with those who don't want to see the truth, not really.

Just ignore all gifts and cards, and bin them. Sorted. 😉

What a horrendous situation . Clearly you have valid reasons for disowning your parents. However the fact you are so distressed about all the unwanted cards/gifts is in a way rewarding their behaviour. Yes , ditch unwanted gifts immediately they arrive and endeavour to not dwell on them - Ditch and forget , imagine you are simply bining kitchen rubbish. Disassociate yourself immediately. Your parents are not going to stop so what is the point of damaging your mental and emotional health over this!? I can't begin to imagine how distressing this must be. Look after yourself, that is your priority 💐💐.

'I'm Contacting My Estranged Child for Me, Not Her'

Estranged parents often declare that they're not trying to contact their estranged children for the children's good, but for the parents' own good. Sometimes they have to keep trying to keep their own hope alive; sometimes they feel that ceasing contact would be letting their children "win."

"Obviously I never did anything right for her so now I am going to do what is right for me. We are the mothers and the grandmothers and how dare they think they can call the shots on that. They can want us out of their lives and consider us dead to them or whatever....but we do not have to do the same!"

Parents can be eloquent in expressing their hunger for a relationship with their children, their need for validation as good parents, and their frustration with their children's restrictions. What they aren't eloquent about—what they're openly dismissive of—is their children's reaction to unwanted contact. This particular theme crops up when a parent has given up all semblance of caring about their children's perspective and wants a relationship solely for what it will do for the parent.

Down the Rabbit Hole

They obviously live in hope that by keeping the channel of communications open they may be able to reconcile. They need to understand, however, that reconciliation is not on the cards and they need to accept they should stop keep sending to you as this is a form of harassment. Have you thought about getting a solicitor’s letter sent or if you can afford it take out a court injunction?

What a sad situation. Only you and your parents know the reason for the ‘estrangement’ in the first place.
But I am sad that this is happening.

I think I kept it going by always sending thank yous for gifts and things, and letters at the same time. I just couldn't receive a gift and not say thank you. Eventually I stopped responding and let them send it into a black hole. I put the responsibility on my husband to send any thank yous though, as they were his parents. It took a while but, when the response from me stopped, they eventually found no reward in it so stopped themselves.

I agree that continuing to send gifts/cards is really
not a good idea,
My mother never did, had she have done, they would have gone straight into the bin.
I can only speak for myself, but I wasn’t messing around when I said, that was it, for ever, nothing would ever change my mind.

It could well be as you say Avalon the hope of keeping a channel of communication open which is why the OP's parents and other EP's continue to send cards and gifts but for their and their EAC's sake it needs to stop when the recipient has made it abundantly clear that this is not something that's wanted.

That makes sense chocolatepeanuts. Acknowledging receipt would almost certainly have encouraged them to continue sending them.

Your parents send cards and gifts because they still love you and think about you. Have you tried acknowledging that fact? Like “I know you love and care about me, but the cards are not going to make me change my mind about no contact “

Eventually, indifference will set in, it goes on so long you concentrate on the good you do have. I now know I did nothing to warrant such treatment but wonder what must have been fabricated to justify such cruelty.
Just bin the gifts doesn't take a minute, why are you making so much out if it? Who needs the drama.

Do what my son did to me send everything back unopened the day after his birthday and my grandsons plus the new baby presents and cards He did put in a short letter but may not apply to you but it hurt me so much I have never sent anything since August 2020. It says I don't not want your vindicate and manipulative behaviour anywhere near me or my family ever again . Zero contact.

I did nothing to deserve to be treated this way . He sent me an email in May that year 4 days after seeing him on my birthday . It ended with I don't like you but love you . Give me a few months . I did and that's what I got back. Plus the presents for my new grandson where crushed there where finger marks in the paper.

But you must do what is right for you .

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