NiceDream
We do a lot of group therapy here too in a way lol
I am on a sofa though, not an arm chair
Oh my yes! 
Gransnet forums
Estrangement
Over The Pond
(171 Posts)Recently, I spent time reading forums and online spaces created by adult children who have chosen to estrange themselves from one or both parents. These communities are significantly different from estranged parent support groups, both in tone and in the way stories are told.
One of the most striking things is how often these adult children describe their estrangement as the result of longstanding emotional pain. Many reference experiences they interpret as emotional neglect, control, boundary violations, or outright abuse—ranging from overt behavior to more subtle, persistent patterns. Some speak of childhood environments that looked normal from the outside but felt unsafe or invalidating internally.
There are recurring themes in how these individuals describe their parents’ responses when they tried to address past issues:
- Denial or downplaying of events
- Shifting blame onto the child, a spouse, or a therapist
- Pathologizing the child (e.g., calling them mentally ill, brainwashed, unstable)
- Viewing estrangement as a sudden or irrational decision rather than the outcome of a long process
- Expressing shock that a child could “cut off” a parent, while overlooking the years of attempts at communication that may have preceded it
Interestingly, these are many of the same patterns discussed in estranged parent forums—but from the opposite perspective. Where parents often speak of being blindsided or betrayed, the adult children describe a breaking point after years of unresolved hurt.
There’s clearly a major disconnect in how both sides interpret the same relationships and events. But reading these spaces side by side highlights how entrenched and mirrored the narratives can be.
This isn’t a comment on who’s right or wrong in any individual case, but more an observation: both groups describe the other in remarkably similar terms. Yet the framing is completely different depending on whose story you’re hearing.
It raises complex questions about memory, emotional perception, intergenerational dynamics, and the nature of family itself. It also shows how easily communication can break down when pain isn’t acknowledged or addressed directly, or when one party insists on their version being the only valid one.
Whether one agrees with the estranged adult children's interpretations or not, their accounts are nuanced and often come from a place of deep reflection. They’re worth reading for anyone trying to understand the broader landscape of estrangement.
Smileless2012
Where have I disagreed with nearly everything User thinks about psychology L1ort?
You beat me to it. I went back to look through the whole thread. Can't find where you did either. We all seemed to agree, though, that psychology gets twisted to suit the person. Sometimes, in a huge knot!
L1ort138562
^Smileless^, you said "Pyschology has an important role in the hands of those who are trained but in the hands of amateurs can cause a lot of damage."
Yet you disagree with nearly everything User thinks about psychology, even though User said they're "an expert in the field [of psychology]".
How do you square that circle? Do you think User is lying about being an expert?
Ok, I looked and looked. Nowhere does she "disagree" with anything User said. You are reaching pretty far there sport. But that's seems to be most your posts, reaching for the sky when you should just stay put on the ground, where reality resides.
Look, I don't know what your issue is, and maybe you got a raw deal from your parents. Or they did from you. Either way, you are projecting it so far here it's going into the next dimension.
And to tell the truth, it's pretty mean and insulting to people here who are hurting. If you are hurting, I am sorry. But two wrongs do not make it right.
Remember we are mothers, we can respond as mothers with compassion to bad parenting.
A couple of people have done that for me and it meant a great deal.
So why bring it up on this thread L1ort?
I don't doubt I've disagreed with User, in fact we disagree all the time but I've never implied or said that she's lied about being an expert so I've no idea what you're on about.
Ah. Well that's assuming psychology is an exact science. But it isn't.
L1ort138562
Starfire57
Ah. Well that's assuming psychology is an exact science. But it isn't.
So what you're saying is that Smileless might know better, even though she's not expertly trained in the field like User is
Since therapists do differ, who's to say, really? Is a trained person really supposed to have all the answers, especially with something like psychcology, which is about patterns in behavior, but do all patterns of behavior really have the same inner motivation?
Do you think a trained person also has the ability to look into someone's soul and determine what motivation, if any, each individual may have, what intent, what purpose?
I heard a statement once, that people will lie to get their way. Such judgement (I'm not condoning lying btw). Well, doesn't that all depend on what their way is? What is their way means something good for them and their loved ones or friends?
Shall we decide trained people have god like power to now take known patterns and definitivly decide who is of evil intent and who is of good intent?
Of course not, that would be insane. Nobody can read minds.
And to try and turn around blame to a hurting person is simply cruel if not completely dismissive of their feelings....yes, even if they are self serving.
All of us are self serving to a point, nobody is purely self sacrificing.
That's not a crime, it's not a disoder. It's simply human nature.
We all have needs. We all want love (and to give it).
We all have pain.
I always liked a line from the movie, which somehow makes me think of psychology and psychiatry..
In "A Princess Bride", when Westley tells the princess "Life is pain, your highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Oh, how true.
Llort, unfortunately you consider yourself an expert in analyising people and their situations. People you know nothing about and who don't know you from Adam. If I wanted to be physio analysed I would go to a professional..
Allsorts
Llort, unfortunately you consider yourself an expert in analyising people and their situations. People you know nothing about and who don't know you from Adam. If I wanted to be physio analysed I would go to a professional..
I second that!
What is the point of your posts L1ort when they don't relate to this thread?
Starfire is correct, psychology is not an exact science because it's an umbrella term that encompasses several diverse approaches. There are 7 main schools of thought; structuralism, functionalism, behaviourism, psychoanalysis (the area I studied as part of my degree), humanism, cognitivism and biopsychology.
Not all psychologists agree with one another's approaches but that doesn't mean they question another's expertise or don't believe they are experts in their chosen field.
Smileless2012
What is the point of your posts L1ort when they don't relate to this thread?
Starfire is correct, psychology is not an exact science because it's an umbrella term that encompasses several diverse approaches. There are 7 main schools of thought; structuralism, functionalism, behaviourism, psychoanalysis (the area I studied as part of my degree), humanism, cognitivism and biopsychology.
Not all psychologists agree with one another's approaches but that doesn't mean they question another's expertise or don't believe they are experts in their chosen field.
That is interesting! I was unaware of all the different paths
Yes...why does Llort bring up other thread arguments. Is not relevant at all.
It seems that you're not the only one Starfire 
.
mum2three
I think social media has a lot to answer for. Self-pity is encouraged and I think people actually look for reasons to feel sorry for themselves, and blame their parents for anything that has gone wrong in their lives.
I have to agree, Mum. Our son and daughter-in-law went no contact about 6 months ago. With no explanation. My first reaction was "who's idea was this?" All my life I've been taught that communication is the key to healthy relationships; who ever thought that zero communication is the way to deal with issues?
Then, after doing some research, I discovered that this is a whole thing - there is a whole social media network encouraging adult children to go this route. They even advise the child NOT to give reasons. I didn't think my son would have come up with this on his own.
And of course, we are not perfect and recognize we have made mistakes. We would be happy to admit and apologize, but right now I have no way to make contact.
In these social media networks, I have noticed certain buzzwords. Like "trauma'. Trauma used to have a meaning, like you were in a war or a terrible accident or witnessed something truly awful. Now apparently it means anytime you didn't like something.
Another is "gaslighting". Apparently, if you say something and I disagree with you, then I am automatically gaslighting you. Then there is "abuse'. We all recognize physical and sexual abuse, and there is no excuse for that. Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is hard to define. It seems that anything I say to you that you don't like may be classified as emotional abuse.
Don't get me wrong; I know there are many cases where estrangement is justified. For the rest, I think that if parents and child would just sit down and communicate openly and honestly, much of this pain could be avoided.
Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now.
Leo58
mum2three
I think social media has a lot to answer for. Self-pity is encouraged and I think people actually look for reasons to feel sorry for themselves, and blame their parents for anything that has gone wrong in their lives.
I have to agree, Mum. Our son and daughter-in-law went no contact about 6 months ago. With no explanation. My first reaction was "who's idea was this?" All my life I've been taught that communication is the key to healthy relationships; who ever thought that zero communication is the way to deal with issues?
Then, after doing some research, I discovered that this is a whole thing - there is a whole social media network encouraging adult children to go this route. They even advise the child NOT to give reasons. I didn't think my son would have come up with this on his own.
And of course, we are not perfect and recognize we have made mistakes. We would be happy to admit and apologize, but right now I have no way to make contact.
In these social media networks, I have noticed certain buzzwords. Like "trauma'. Trauma used to have a meaning, like you were in a war or a terrible accident or witnessed something truly awful. Now apparently it means anytime you didn't like something.
Another is "gaslighting". Apparently, if you say something and I disagree with you, then I am automatically gaslighting you. Then there is "abuse'. We all recognize physical and sexual abuse, and there is no excuse for that. Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is hard to define. It seems that anything I say to you that you don't like may be classified as emotional abuse.
Don't get me wrong; I know there are many cases where estrangement is justified. For the rest, I think that if parents and child would just sit down and communicate openly and honestly, much of this pain could be avoided.
Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now.
No, stay on that soapbox. Because it is based on so much truth, it's scary.
I do agree, it's social media, society, etc that is driving this. And to what end?
Well, I imagine young people who are selfish would rather devot all their time to themselves, not their family, so there's that and why not just dump family when it's "approved" and recommended by "experts"?
So, why would experts care? They don't. But, therapy, blogs, books, social media sites on the subject....... all of these are huge money makers.
Money is at the core of just about everything these days.
It's become a selfish and greedy world.
I second what you and Leo58say Starfire57
Great post Leo which sums up what's happening perfectly 
.
One of my children is a clinical psychologist working with adults with mental health issues. She would never, ever presume to judge or be definitive in the way the OP is. Enough said.
Anyone noticed Llort is Troll spelt backwards. Enough said .
Oh thanks - I must be losing the plot because I hadn’t actually noticed. I am glad in a way because at least it isn’t some earnest dick pontificating.
Yes Whiff a troll with a few names answering themselves yet people respond. I just don't get it.
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »