Morning dear friends.
I had a terrible shock yesterday. A message from my dear cousin, the one who my brother got to 'phone me to tell me mum had died, saying she was in touch with him and with it being 'the time of year' he'd asked her to pass on his 'phone number and email address because he wanted to get in touch!!!
My initial response was not knowing whether to throw up or weep, immediately followed by a resounding 'no' in my gut.
I decided to start a thread on the AIBU forum; am I being unreasonable to not want any contact. Writing a brief history of events which you will all be familiar with was in itself cathartic, and I wanted to get a wider response which I'm grateful to have received.
I was initially worried that I would feel guilty. He's probably in trouble financially and is looking for help, but over the years we've tried to give him support both emotionally and financially which has never done either of us any good.
Our email address and Mr. S.'s mobile number have never changed so if he'd wanted to make contact, he could have done so without once again, involving my poor cousin but of course this puts the onus on me.
His email address is the same too and the 'phone number is the one for the landline my mum had, so I know that anyway.
When I came on here to tell you, what literally jumped off the screen was your post Allsorts my mother always said if people show you what they are like, believe them.
I know this of course, I think we all do but reading it in your post this morning was for me, affirmation that I have made the right decision so you've helped me dear friend, without even realising it.
The real purpose of this post though is to share something which for me is really important.
I never expected to hear from him again, just as I never expect to hear from our ES. I've always believed that if my brother did try to make contact, it would not be something I would want but there was something else I mistakenly believed.
I believed my refusal would come from anger and bitterness but it doesn't. I simply don't have it in me. I have neither the strength or the courage or the desire to open this door.
It's as if within me there are various canisters of energy and strength and the particular one I would need for this is empty. Having worked so hard and so diligently to rebuild our lives because of ES and for me, following the circumstances and death of my mum, there is nothing left to work with or give.
Bizarrely, this shock has given me some peace and comfort because I've never wanted to be so bitter and angry that I could never have contemplated re connecting with my brother or our ES.
This has shown me that although those emotions are there, they're even less than secondary to my need to be safe, my need for us to be safe and protected from those whose capacity to hurt us was so great, that they can never be trusted again so must be kept at bay.
x
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