Smiles when Mr W died even though we knew from the start he wouldn't live 5 years. I didn't know how I could face the next 30 years without him . Having the children home for 2 years while helped in some ways but in others I would have preferred to be alone . I went to bereavement group once a week while they lived with me .I didn't want to go and only did it for them . The people where nice but no help at all . I was 45 the nearest to my age was a 68 year-old man and they never had children. The woman where all in late 70-80's . And the woman leader was married and did a 12 week course . Luckily the children only asked me if I had a good time and never if it helped . As I don't lie I would have told them no . Only person who helped me was me and the promises I kept to Mr W and still do .
Some on the bereavement threads where widowed in their 30's and some had children die through illness , accident or by their own hand . How they cope I never know and would never presume to know how they feel as I don't know that grief .
I was always prepared to die first and knew the children would have to stop their dad drinking . I am glad my dad died before mom because my brother and me knew he would have been dead within 6 months without her he would have pined away . My best friends mom died beginning of the year and her dad died months later she said he gave up .
Because Mr W was determined to live life as normal only the 4 of us knew he was dieing everyday . As in his words he didn't want to be treated as a dead man walking. We treated eachother the same as ever even when he was terminal . Which meant we still argued and acted the same as always kids where the same . I don't know and never asked how they coped as it was private. And Mr W and I decided how the children would be brought up before they where born and that was how I was. The day our daughter came home from school she 8 and didn't tell us in detail about her day we knew she had grown up. After that her bedroom was her private place and it was up to her to keep it tidy and clean once a week and I only changed the bed and put clean clothes on her bed for her to put away. Once our son was 8 he was treated the same .
The past is gone but it does change us . I live for the now and future. My life goes forwards never backwards. That's why when I decide where to go on holiday I will never go anywhere where I have to change trains in Birmingham. I will never go back to the black country or anywhere in the west midlands. That existence has gone . It's not bad memories that I don't want to go back but I am happy here that was my past it's gone . I am even losing my black country accent and my brother who had a very thick black country accent is toning it down .
My brother and sister in law are going to see their grandson tomorrow. I say they are nannie and grandad but my daughter says because my sister in law is stepmom she can't be nannie . Because she is blood I have came to realise since I started going out with Mr W blood doesn't count . It's love and caring that make a family. My brother's children love my sister in law very much and she has always treated them better than their own mom .
We make our own families. Can't remember the old saying about blood being stronger. As we on here know it doesn't mean a thing when your own children turn on you .
Who we choose to be in our lives I have found is important to me . Yes I am lucky to have my daughter and family but I am not dependant on them I have made my own life . A life I will not give up . I lived 61 years putting others first . Now nearly 68 I live for myself and put myself first . Funny enough when I moved here both my children say about time.
Some may thing that is selfish but I have been a carer since I was 11. Having jaundice and finding out I should have died made me determined to live my life to the full moving gave me back my life and gave me a home again . I found me again plus finding out the 2 things I was born with changed my world.
Smiles you and Mr S did the right thing moving I know you dread if he dies first as no doubt he does you . But you are in a home you chose not like your old house which I know you loved but it was to escape seeing your son and grandson.
All those that have moved it's wasn't easy but from what you write it was the right thing to do for you . Babs and Mr B estranged daughter doesn't know nor will know they have moved and knows nothing about her dads health . Like my son knows nothing about my health nor will he ever know when I die as there is no need for him to know.
Smiles glad Mr S did well in his golf tournament. And glad you have friend from church over for a meal and enjoy eachothers company .
Allsorts reading that diary must have been upsetting but put things into perspective. But that has past . Live for the now and future. I know what you are going through at the moment but that's between us. We found moms diaries after she died going back 20 years . All she put in them was birthdays and anniversary and what the weather was like that day. They went into the recycling.
Babs and Mr B have some hurdles to overcome with his health but life will be easier for them in their bungalow.
A ramble so you can see I am back to me again 🤣🤣🤣🤣.
Take care everyone . 💝
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