Son has signed out

BlessedArt

I’m pretty sure it was more helpful for him to see why his actions lead to the distance than the advice from others that downplays it as something that just “happens”. His son obviously didn’t view it as something to be flippant about, and NRD clearly wants to be on better terms with his son. Not hard to see that reinforcing the idea that “it happens” won’t help him improve his relationship with his son.

And is it helpful for him to see a little gang, who have appeared for years, to denigrate one poster by speaking about her estrangement?
I highly doubt that.
Its actually most unpleasant.

Unserious.
Is that even a word??

I think while you're picking on me, at least you're leaving others alone, so you carry on.

Strange, thats exactly how i feel about your "unserious" jab.

Ah, i thought it was a discussion, not an argument.
Its ok, i shall take my unserious self off to other threads.
You argue amongst yourselves.

I appreciate that. I was genuinely trying to understand other people’s points of views. The inability (or perhaps refusal) to engage with the topic was bewildering. I should’ve known at the feigned inability to reread a previous comment.

bakestrategic, there are many Posters who actively or inactively join this Thread.
Who they chose to respond to is not yours to command or demand.

So bakestrategic you ask a question requiring a yes or no answer and in response the first word you see is 'no' and you say the answer wasn't clear!!!

Oh dear User, if you insist on dragging my personal estrangement history into a discussion that isn't about me you wouldn't look so foolish if it was accurate.

There were no stringent conditions regarding our ES's house. A mutually agreed and accepted legal contract was drawn up between all concerned, including my brother because this was an investment and was never a gift.

Everything is well documented here on GN, so it's a waste of time fabricating my history trying to make me look bad. When you do, it simply backfires.

Seeing how vivid your imagination appears to be, I'm sure you wouldn't have any problem accepting the role of coercive control in our case. Not that imagination is ever required when what you've been told is fact.

^Please quit^; thank you Norah but I'm not holding my breath and if after many years of experiencing unpleasant and personal 'attacks' here on GN anyone thinks I will find them anything more than tiresome, they're very much mistaken.

As you've said Delila User has given her own unique interpretation regarding NRD's apologies as she does with any poster whose a parent fearing, facing or living with estrangement.

I wonder if, just occasionally, the people constantly arguing could think about all the others who ‘lurk’ on the forum looking for help and support, who are put off or are too scared to join in because of the way every single estrangement thread ends up…. Lovely for you, if that’s what floats your boat, but what about everyone else??

I think the unavoidable answer to a lot of what is being discussed is that, we choose our behaviour but we do not get to choose if it will be tolerated.

A lot of very good advice about how certain behaviours can be received is still good advice.

It depends on the person reading. Would they change what many would class as intolerable behaviour to save a relationship?

I don't think it can be defended, it's a simple choice to make. As adults we should all have the self control we would want our children to have when it comes to shouting and swearing at someone.

Maremia

bakestrategic, there are many Posters who actively or inactively join this Thread.
Who they chose to respond to is not yours to command or demand.

I was specifically referring to MissAdventure engaging with me in bad faith. Which is her right. No commands or demands have been made by me.

For myself, I think no one is perfect and we all make mistakes of course we do. It's that old idea of showing you are sorry by not repeating it.

I am conversely to what people accuse each other of, coming into these discussions with the idea that no-one is bad, not the parent and not the child. Just 2 people that may be helped by an outside perspective with a strong sense of right and wrong.

Could someone explain to me why NRD is being accused of habitually shouting and swearing at his son.
He said that following his son's surprising and unwarranted actions he lost it and said a few expletives "which is NOT common" . I take that to mean it is very unusual for him to swear at his son - and in this case it happened because he was so shocked by his son's behaviour.
Let's not forgotten that his son had been quite happy to live with NRD for a long time while it was to the son's financial advantage (which apparently counts for nothing now).

Judgemental and overtly critical comments will put people off from posting stillawipp.

I would think that seeing posts of that nature being challenged rather than being off putting would give others some comfort knowing that there are some who will respond kindly. It isn't so much what we say, but how we say it that matters.

Every estrangement thread doesn't go the way this one has but unfortunately many do.

Others trying to make me look bad by incorrectly posting about our estrangement isn't lovely for me and certainly doesn't float my boat, but after 13 years of it it doesn't bother me either. It does though deter others from posting as I know from pm's I've received over the years, and too many who think they've found somewhere 'safe' to talk about their own situation have been driven away because of how they've been responded too and/or seen how others are treated.

I agree InRainbows that a lot of very good advice about how certain behaviours can be received is good advice but not if it's delivered by insulting the one the advice is being given too.

Yes, I agree Smileless2012, I have also had PMs from those who are put off from posting because of the constant challenges and arguments & I myself gave up at one time as it just seemed pointless. I just feel so bad for the people who want help and advice and are too nervous to get involved.

I'll look forward to an explanation too eddie.

Well I've never been messaged by anyone put off by unnecessarily unpleasant and judgemental posts being challenged stillawipp.

I feel bad for anyone old or new who wants help and advice, but is too nervous to post for the first time or has been at best disillusioned by some of the responses they've received and doesn't come back.

But if we leave the replies to those who are relentlessly negative, insulting and judgemental, people will have to be very brave indeed to post sensitive and personal information on this forum.

Smileless2012

Well I've never been messaged by anyone put off by unnecessarily unpleasant and judgemental posts being challenged stillawipp.

I feel bad for anyone old or new who wants help and advice, but is too nervous to post for the first time or has been at best disillusioned by some of the responses they've received and doesn't come back.

Smileless2012 - ah, OK, well I have certainly received those messages

I agree Delila which is why IMO negative, judgemental and insulting posts should be challenged and is why I do so.

If they go unchallenged it looks as if everyone contributing to that particular discussion agrees with them.

Would this be an issue for the Mods?

The negative and controversial replies are usually enough in themselves for people to see them for what they are - goading for goading’s sake. In my humble opinion, they are just best ignored rather than being given oxygen and being allowed to derail the whole thread. Or maybe just dismissed with a one line ‘ obviously I disagree but I’m not going to argue’ type comment. Wouldn’t that make the whole forum more palatable for everyone? They can hardly argue with themselves if everyone else refuses to oblige!

That might work.

Smileless2012

I agree Delila which is why IMO negative, judgemental and insulting posts should be challenged and is why I do so.

If they go unchallenged it looks as if everyone contributing to that particular discussion agrees with them.

Actually I think the opposite may be true - if they are completely ignored it is clear that they are not even being dignified with a response because they are so far off the mark !

I disagree stillawipp. Personally, I always appreciate someone challenging a poster who posts something negative, judgemental and/or insulting too or about me.

IMO Maremia unless something is particularly nasty it shouldn't be reported because it's left for all to see, it says a lot more about the person who made it than the person it's aimed at.