Son wishes us an isolated, lonely old age

I suggest that what must have been going on in the intervening 4 months Allira, was the continuation of a difficult relationship with his parents who struggle to see him.

This is written by a grown man with his own house not a house BlueBelle, an apartment paid for by the parents he now wishes will have an isolated and lonely old age.

I posted earlier what a sad world it is when a parent can't give advice to their AC and was accused of twisting the words of another but that's how your post comes across to me. What's wrong with giving your on advice especially when he tells you he's thinking of doing something. As I've already posted, if I tell someone I'm thinking about doing something it's because I'm looking for some feedback/advice/support.

I haven't seen anyone say they would have expected Gooi's son to thank her for her advice, it's his appalling message that's the subject of this thread.

The OP's son did raise her ethnicity Retroladywriting. "He told us in the summer, via whatsapp that he was thinking of dating a woman from Asia".

Gooi also told us in her OP they've been struggling to see him all year so before the dating whatsapp message, and that the relationship is difficult because they're never good enough and always in the wrong.

Clearly this is a difficult and volatile relationship, and has been for some time.

Something else must have been going on in the intervening time.

It's all very odd.

"Thinking about dating a woman from Asia", if that's what he actually said, seems a strange way of putting his thoughts to you. Sounds to me as if he's been on a dating website and that he thinks her ethnicity might be an issue. If that's the case, then maybe you were right to suggest he exercises caution.
However, if he didn't raise her ethnicity, then why has it arisen?
Either way, what he said to you was appalling, especially as it seems to have come four months later out of the blue. What was contact like in those intervening four months?

The mystery to me is why he waited four months to reply ADHD people are usually pretty immediate

Let’s forget the racism for a minute (in this case)

So here we go a new scenario taking out anything about race the son tells his mum via WhatsApp that he may have a new girlfriend and the mum sends a message back ‘well you do realise girls can cheat on you, or they might take all your money and you ll be spending all your hard earned cash on her, then she might walk Are you using protection some girls get pregnant on purpose to snare a man’
This is not written to a 14 year old but a grown man with his own house!!
Absolutely doesn’t give him the right to write abusive messages ( 4MONTHS LATER) but really you can’t genuinely expect a guy especially one with ADHD ( not know for measured thinking when pushed) to say ‘thanks mum I m glad you gave me that piece of advice I needed to hear that’

Recognising racism doesn't make me uncomfortable. What makes me uncomfortable are accusations of racism when there isn't any.

Oh yes the usual trope about looking for racism. As I said I never encounter these issues as a white woman unless I am with my non white husband.

Why do you think the IP mentions what she said four months ago unless she thinks it is linked. Yes uncomfortable thoughts but credit to OP as she clearly sees the link and acknowledges it.

Maybe people need to ask themselves why they are so reluctant to recognise racism. I guess it makes them uncomfortable.

theworriedwell

Smileless2012

How do you know she wouldn't have given the same advice if the women was white and from another country theworriedwell?

You don't do you.

She went to the bother of typing out the information of what she said, she specified the woman is Asian and she obviously thinks there is a connection or why bother saying it? Why talk about her background and why she's in the country. Having given that information she didn't say she's said the same with white potential girlfriends.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck the chances are it's a duck.

and if someone is looking for racism they will always find it.

She ementions that this lady is Asian because that is what she is. We have no reason, except the above, not to believe that if this lady was Roumanian or Russian or Portuguese, she would have mentioned that.

You should also read my last paragraph. There is a lot in the media about romance scams. Either about the people who have fallen for them and about the huge scam colonies in Thailand/Myanmar run by Chinese gangsters.

Obviously someone as intelligent as you and as well educated will fully understand all the details of these schemes and be au fait, with how they work so you will appreciate these would not affect someone from those countries in this country, but regrettably not everyone is as wise and perspicacious as you and may be worried that he might be scammed by someone already in this country

No she's been told that is probably how her son has interpreted it as she is linking the two things. She says she isn't racist, she quite probably isn't consciously but to immediately jump to questioning her background and why she's in the country does indicate a very prejudiced view.

I haven't heard of any dating scams about young Asian women. Either way I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.

Thankfully I've never said anything like that to any of my four adult children and value the relationships enough to think before I speak

As I said earlier all the OP can do now is to wait and see if he accepts her apology.

Smileless2012

How do you know she wouldn't have given the same advice if the women was white and from another country theworriedwell?

You don't do you.

She went to the bother of typing out the information of what she said, she specified the woman is Asian and she obviously thinks there is a connection or why bother saying it? Why talk about her background and why she's in the country. Having given that information she didn't say she's said the same with white potential girlfriends.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck the chances are it's a duck.

It's ridiculous M0nica. A new poster, understandably hurt by the horrible message she's received from her son, being accused of being racist.

She hasn't been back, and I can't say I blame her.

theworriedwell

Smileless2012

No idea petra but he did, so I see no reason why Gooi should be criticised for saying so in her OP and for accusations that she's racist.

If you don't want people thinking you're racist don't say something about an Asian woman you wouldn't say about a white woman.

As you are repeating what you said on page 2 of this thread. I will repat the response I made then as well

Not remotely racist or offensive. her son was thinking of dating someone from a very different culture. That would apply regardless of the ethnicity or country of origin Of the potential partner.

It is also disingenuous to pretend not to know about the romance scams that seem to be endemic and almost always involve people from countries outside Europe

How do you know she wouldn't have given the same advice if the women was white and from another country theworriedwell?

You don't do you.

Smileless2012

No idea petra but he did, so I see no reason why Gooi should be criticised for saying so in her OP and for accusations that she's racist.

If you don't want people thinking you're racist don't say something about an Asian woman you wouldn't say about a white woman.

Littleannie

On Mother's Day a few years ago my son sent me a text which read " Why don't you die Mother. The sooner you are dead the better as nobody will miss you". So I know how you feel Gooi2026. Change your will and ignore him, it's his loss. Enjoy your life.

That is just so sad to read.

No idea petra but he did, so I see no reason why Gooi should be criticised for saying so in her OP and for accusations that she's racist.

Smileless2012

If I tell someone I'm thinking about doing something it's because I want some feedback.

And why did he have to point out that the woman was Asian.
Why not just say I’ve met a woman 🤷‍♀️

As I’ve said before and no one’s come back about it

I did 🙂

BlueBelle

I m not even going for the racist idea but the fact that the mother chose to give an adult man advice about dating…
Seriously !!!!
As I’ve said before and no one’s come back about it
Why would he wait four whole months before he sent a nasty text IF it was in connection to the given advice about this possible ‘foreign’ girlfriend

Indeed.

Adult men do not need unasked dating advice.

Mum was wrong noting background and 'foreign born' IMO.

As I posted earlier BlueBelle if I tell someone I'm thinking about doing something, it's because I'm looking for some feedback or advice or an opinion.

The OP has told us the message came months later so I see no reason to think otherwise.

If he’d have said mum I m thinking of dating an Asian girl what do you think
That sentence in itself just sounds odd to me.
Did he mean he'd met a girl from Asia (it's a large Continent) and was thinking of asking her out? She might well have said No anyway.
Or was he on a dating site where men can link up with women from other countries?

Best to say you would look forward to meeting her but too late now.

Oh course it is a nasty thing to say Smileless I m certainly not arguing with you I m not at all sure racism does comes in to it but I think interference does however well meant if he asked for her advice that’s fine , if not it was probably unwanted

But I ll say it again I bet a pound to a penny his reaction would NOT come 4 months later

What you see as a lecture, I see as advice BlueBelle. Focusing on whether or not the OP was being racist IMO, detracts from the cruel message sent by her son which for me isn't explained by assuming he believed her response was racist.

It's a horrible thing to wish on anyone.

Smileless2012

What is the world coming too when it's wrong for a parent to give advice to their adult child .

I didn’t say it was wrong Smileless but very unusual to give an adult son advice about dating that he HADNT asked for
I think you ve twisted my post a bit there

Of course if I m asked for advice its good to give what I believe or think however now as an old gal it’s more likely me asking advice off my grown up kids 🤣

If he’d have said mum I m thinking of dating an Asian girl what do you think ? But he didn’t did he ? he got a bit of a lecture about the posters concerns and negatives to look out for and obviously took it to heart Doesn’t excuse his nasty post to her but maybe explains it