Struggling with daughter’s health anxiety and the distance it’s creating

I think that when people go through “big emotional transitions” they quite often distance themselves from those who love them the most, whether it is becoming a mother themselves, a bereavement, severe illness or some other coming to terms with a life they don’t know how to manage.

It’s hard to explain but the care and love and worry that the person who loves you will bring to the situation is just one more thing that you can’t deal with because you love them too and can’t, at that time, handle their care and love and worry, as well trying to handle your own.

I have experienced this myself when my husband died and had to make space from the person who most wanted to shower me with love and care, her need was to make things right for me but I knew she couldn’t and that her failure would distress her and I couldn’t cope with her distress.

I don’t want to make this about me but to maybe give you an insight into how your daughter might be feeling at the moment.
That she is seeking the calm that distance can sometimes provide. I’m sure as she regains her equilibrium you will be closer than ever because she will know she can trust you. The one person who will put her needs first even at cost to themselves.

* Just supporting your daughter shouldn't create a need for boundaries. But I suspect somehow, in our imperfect parenting world, the therapist pointed out something and aimed it right at you.*

A good therapist would not ‘ point something out’, and certainly wouldn’t ‘aim it’ at anyone, as they would be aware that they are only hearing one side of the story.

I think the best thing you can do is meet her where she is. By that I mean support her in whatever her desires are at the moment. You will hear many panning therapy, often from those who’ve never had it. But the truth is that centering your wants and needs to be kept in the loop about anything she is currently distancing about may only further her distance and for a much longer period of time than even she may have envisioned.

It’s always tempting to lean into advice that validates your wants, your feelings, despite what the other party feels and wants. But that isn’t a recipe for reconciliation or healing. It’s a recipe for furthering a rift or creating one.

Your post doesn’t read like your daughter cut you off. It reads like your daughter is on a journey of her own self-discovery and processing. Support her in whatever way you can, without pressuring her to prioritize your desire to return to old normal between you two.

Keep in mind that what she wants in terms of relationship between you two matters, and just because it’s not what you want doesn’t make her wrong or a villain. Sometimes our children want a different relationship than the one we want. Even when it hurts, that doesn’t make them wrong. Creating a villain of her therapist in your mind will create a more distance. The most loving thing you can do is give her the space she needs

Luckygirl13 is right when she says setting boundaries is all the rage now. I have seen my friend in exactly the same situation as the OP and it breaks her heart which is so unfair. I think it’s a control thing. As a mother of a daughter I have been blamed for a lot of things in the past including poking my nose into something - which I didn’t even know about! Girls are tricky and I hope this will pass which I expect it will. I can certainly understand how hurtful it is. It seems these days as if adult children hold all the cards and are heavily influenced by friends and by things they read online.

Jerk not perk.

Setting boundaries is all the rage now. It usually ends in pain for those who are trying to be loving and to help.
Clearly there are toxic parents from whom it is wise to distance oneself. But the strategy is maybe becoming a bit of a knee perk reaction in therapy.
All you can do is make sure she knows how much you love her ... gently and consistently.
I am sending you a handhold. This must be so hard for you.

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply. It really does help to feel heard. I agree with everything you said (Starfire and Babs), and it means a lot to know that someone else can see how painful this is.

I keep trying to make sense of it all, but I can’t help feeling that this kind of total distancing… this communication death penalty… just doesn’t feel fair. The heartbreak of it is overwhelming at times.

Your words have given me a little comfort today, and I’m very grateful for that.

I agree with Starfire. And also is never advisable for a vulnerable young mother with mental health problems to be in touch with anyone other than her GP and any mental health services the GP recommends if your daughter is struggling with severe health anxiety - am wondering if this is OCD - which could have become worse after the birth, and obviously there is the risk of PND. A therapist is not clinically trained, many are not accredited and none are subject to the kind of checks other professionals have to regularly be held accountable to. There are good therapists but even a good therapist imho should not be involved with a new mum with such severe anxieties.
Would recommend you stay in touch but don’t over egg the pudding, ask how you can help but don’t insist, perhaps send some healthy ready meals, a Godsend to a new parent. And just repeat how much you love her and your new grandchild.
Be patient but vigilant and am sure that in time she will overcome how she is feeling right now.
Wishing you all the very best.
🙏🏾🌹

So sorry to hear this. But it may be, as I have seen for myself, that whether it's a therapist, or a close friend, whoever decides to attempt to help by analyzing your daughter, that the blame for it will end up on your shoulders.

It seems to always be this outcome; when an adult has a severe issue and seeks help/understanding, somehow either the present relationship with mom or the childhood upbringing end up being the "cause".

If you are the "cause", then the solution ends up being to put up walls, limit exposure, set "boundaries" as they call it but that is a twisted way to have a boundary, by punishing the very person who loves and understands you the most.

I mean, boundaries I believe , in the beginning, were supposed to be used in instances where someone is actually doing something harmful to you; but it seems these days it's just because. ...because you said something, or inadvertently did something, or were just simply around when things were going bad.

Just supporting your daughter shouldn't create a need for boundaries. But I suspect somehow, in our imperfect parenting world, the therapist pointed out something and aimed it right at you.

This is the flaw in therapy. When family members are part of the discussions, that family member should also be present to show their part from their perspective. I think that individual therapy may be good if it sticks to the individual but when they drag family into it as possible causes or triggers, it's really not the whole picture and I think therapists should sometimes insist on bringing in the family member for a few sessions to get the whole picture.

The flaw is, they never get the whole picture and then the assumptions begin. Once that happens, you are guilty without a trial or jury.

It say more about the nature of the therapy to me than about healing of divisions.

I would advise giving your daughter time here. She is a mother with a new baby and needs support from those around her.

That you needed a photo suggests you are not nearby...